Should I tell my son his natural mother's name?

Question

Prelude: I've been reading and responding to questions here. I think I know what most people's answer is going to be. In fact, I'm pretty sure I know what I'm going to do already. I'm asking because I think there is wisdom gained by reading various perspectives.

Background: By mistake of the adoption agency they sent us some paperwork with the name of our son's natural mother on it during the adoption process. The mother specifically requested for the adoption to be fully closed and did not want to know anything about her son and vice versa. I already plan to be honest with him about his birth situation, but this is information I was not supposed to know.

Question: Should I tell him that I know her name if he asks me even though she did not want to be known?

Answer 1

Tough situation!

On the one hand you want to stick to your agreement with her, but on the other hand, your son will want to know. Maybe you can tell him after his 18th birthday.  

It's a tough call. So many thoughts and feelings to both sides.

Answer 2

Yes.

Answer 3

If you are going for open and honest, then I think you should tell your son how you got the information and what his birthmother's wishes were. Allow him to make the decision about what to do with it. It's not fair to withold the info regardless of how you got it. Time can change the way a person feels. She may want to hear from him now(especially if she was young and has now had time to mature and understand the implications of her decision).

*Obviously, this needs to be done at the appropriate age.

Answer 4

Being honest is very important. I would tell him if he should ask. I would include in that same conversation with him the request of his mother. The mother could have said this thinking it would be less painful for her and your son. If your Son still decides that he wants to look her up; make sure he is aware that she may reject him. I really hope she would not, but if he knows you are looking out for his best interest and you are there being supportive this may bring him much needed peace with in himself. Good Luck.

Answer 5

Unfortunatly this happens sometimes but in a lot of cases (i dont know the details of yours) the mother will eventually get curious herself!!  When he is ready or old enough and you tell him about him being adopted...if he asks then you should tell him her name b/c you do know and you dont want to lie....however explain to him that it was a closed adoption and neither party wanted to know!  Reguardless he is your son and alway will be reguarless if he finds his birth mother.

Answer 6

He has a right to know . WHEN HE IS READY.

(old enough to understand)

Tell him the truth. Because If you dont he might feel you betrayed him and cant be trusted. Ask him does he want to know and explain to him what his mother want

Answer 7

when he's 16.

Answer 8

The wishes expressed by your son's natural mother could change over the years so I do not see any harm in you telling him in the future as he does have a right to know and she might regret not knowing him.At the same time just make it known to him what his natural mother's wishes at the time of his birth and let him know that,even though she might have changed her mind,not to be too upset if she hasn't.

Answer 9

You should tell him when he`s a little older and mature.Your son has the right to know who`s his real mom is.I don`t think you should tell him if you actually know her and she is a terrible person..not saying that she is.

Answer 10

I think once he's 18 and asks, you should tell him.  She probably will have changed her mind by then.  Who knows?  Maybe he'll never ask.  Good luck!

Answer 11

If he asks tell the truth. He deserves to know his mothers name.

NO she does not have the right to privacy. She has the right to tell him face to face or over the phone that she does not want a relationship with him but she does not have the right to expect him to obide by something she set up to suite her. Many first mothers have been known to change their mind about contact over the years any way.

Answer 12

tell him the hole story about u getting the papers and ask wat he thinks his feelings be4 hers in a way i hope this helps

Answer 13

If she didn't want her identity known, I'm sure she had a good reason. She gave you the "gift" of this child - give her the gift of her privacy. Tell your son the truth - which is that his birth mother did not want to be identified.

Answer 14

Absolutely.  Its his right. Children first and 9 out of 10 times mothers change their minds/or it wasn't what they truly wanted  in the 1st place.

Edit: Like I said most mothers either change their mind or never truly wanted it closed. I have never met 1 mother who had placed her child reject her child when they came looking. Almost all are waiting.   You risk a bigger chance of your son rejecting you, if you withhold the info. I've seen that happen, one too many times, when they searched behind their a-parents backs. There are many adoptee's that are told it was a closed adoption when in fact it was open. Those are the worst cases.

Answer 15

yuo should because he has 2 no either way.

Answer 16

most definitely ted! I grew up knowing my natural mother's name and it really helped me conceptualize things. the whole concept of natural mom or birthmom (as was the term I grew up with), is so abstract, but to attach a name to it helps tremendously! The more you talk openly about your son's adoption the better off he'll be.

And while the mother might have initially chosen closed adoption with not wanting to know anything about her/your son, there is always room for her to change her mind. Many people choose the closed route in an attempt to pretend the birth never happened (because of the pain). Who knows what might happen in the next X amount of years between when your son learns her name and if he ever chooses to do anything about it. If your son ever tries to find her and she doesn't want to be found at that time, she can decide to not have contact then, you know, like most of us adults do when we just don't want someone around. (I hope this doesn't happen, though!)

Answer 17

I think you should be perfectly honest with him when he asks.  You should also have a frank discussion about the fact that his birth mother did not want contact.  There are a lot of reasons for this, none of which reflect on him.  Life is hard enough without adding lies to the equation.  If your son would find out later that you knew and didn't tell him, it would hurt worse than having the truth up front.

Answer 18

Wow.  I hate to say this, but you need to watch out for your child's well-being.  I'd tell him the truth...  using age-appropriate language.  Let him know of his natural mother's wishes to stay private because she thinks its in his/her best interest.  Best wishes.

Answer 19

Yes.  Adoption is not the witness protection program

Answer 20

Nope. The agency screwed up you shouldn't perpetuate it.

I'm sorry for all who disagree with me.  The birth mother has a right to want her identity kept private and no one knows what that reason may be.

The child should know he was adopted and the mother wanted a private adoption. Period.  Going against the birth mother's wishes is wrong.  Especially when she gave you the gift of a beautiful child!

Answer 21

You definitely should tell him her name.  I think you need to hold onto that information until he is old enough to deal with the fact that he may be rejected by her.  Hopefully, she has changed her mind and will be open to meeting her son.

Answer 22

Yes you tell him.  I am assuming that he knows, or will grow up knowing of his adoption and what you are referring to is telling him the name of his natural mother. If so then YES you should tell him, when he is ready to hear it.  It does not do to make a big deal out of it....like you are telling  him some great dark secret from the past.  I'd simply drop it into coversation....when he is the right age or when he asks something about her you can say, 'Oh yes, you know I believe her name was .....' and give her first name only at this stage.  Let him get used to that.  Later you can tell him her surname too....but you must say that you found out by accident but that you made a note of it because you thought it would be important to him to know.

I found out everything I could about my daughter's history.  I bugged everybody for information and I now know tons about my daughter's birth family...tons of things that I should not have been told...but it is amazing what people will tell you unwittingly. I even managed to get photos! Whenever I found something out I wrote it down in a note book immediately.  

I believe children who have more information about their past are more settled in life and able to cope better.  If they have some kind of idea about why they were adopted and who their first parents were it helps them to work out who they are and where they fit into the world.  I honestly feel huge frustration for peope who just don't know.  I love my daughter to tiny bits and would do anything to help her...

Personally, whilst I would want to respect any birth parents right to anonymity, I don't think they have the right to deprive a child that they brought into the world of the knowledge of their biological roots.  Sure they can opt out of a relationship if that is their choice, but the child still needs information.

Answer 23

I would wait until he was 18 and then let him decide whether he wants to seek her out or not.  

<<What do you make of his natural mother's wishes? Does she not deserve to have her rights respected?>>

Circumstances change over the years.  Sending an intermediary may be more appropriate than direct contact once he is an adult.

Answer 24

Yes, I do think that you should tell him if he asks.  Just knowing her name does not mean that he will do anything that would violate her confidentiality with the information.  It is just something that he should know.

Answer 25

He has a right to know his birth mother's name. If he doesn't know that he is adopted then i suggest telling him. It only gets worse if you tell him later.

Answer 26

We are facing the same thing.  We know the bmom wanted a closed adoption.  And, as much as we want to respect her wishes, our children come first.  We have the information, and will show it when we feel the time is right.  Just taking a guess, I would think at, or around the age of 18.  But, maturity comes at various ages and times in a person's life.  So, we will just wait to determine what age, at a later date.

It's also possible that the bparents changed their mind throughout the years and could be more than willing to form a relationship some day.

Answer 27

I absolutely think you should tell him if he asks. If he is old enough to ask he is old enough to know that she specifically wanted a closed adoption. There could be many reasons for this -- maybe she was ill -- maybe she was in a bad situation -- maybe she felt bad and wanted to go on with her life and not worry that someone might come looking for her one day.

So...if he can be relied upon to respect her right to a closed adoption for what she must feel are important reasons then I think he can at least know her name and if he thinks about her can pray or send good thoughts on the breeze to Tina Anderson (whatever her name is) -- a real person.

Answer 28

Yes you should because its the right thing to do. Its there fault not you'res or the childs so its there problem. He might need to find her one day for a medical reason ect. and will need that information! Plus you wouldn't want someone lying to you just tell him the name but explain the situation.

Answer 29

put yourself in your son's place and then answer your own ?

Answer 30

Hmmm I don’t see any harm in telling him. The truth is he may one day ask if you know his birthmothers name and you do so you should be honest.  ÃƒÂ¢Ã‚€ÂœTommy your birthmothers name is Sarah Helen Parker. However Sarah did not want us to know this and we found out solely by fault of the adoption agency that accidentally sent paperwork with her name on it.”

If you say you don’t know and he ever finds out that you lied to him he could be quite upset and even feel betrayed. You might also notify the agency of this so that they can be more carefully next time.