Should I tell my wife I cheated?

Question

I have been abroad (in Europe) on business for 2 months and thus have not seen my wife of 5 years during this time - although our relationship is still great and we talk on the phone for an hour every day.

Last night, though, at an event, I ended up meeting this beautiful woman and we really hit it off. One thing led to another and she ended up sleeping over. We didn't have full blown s*x, but we made out very intensely and she performed oral s*x on me.

Now I feel really bad. The big question is, should I tell my wife?

My best friend, whom I asked about this earlier today, told me that the general rule of thumb is that if you only do it once, learned your lesson, and don't intend to do it again, you should not tell you wife, because it will cause much more chaos in your marriage than it's worth. I think I have learned my lesson and am very sorry.

So I would abide by that advice, except:

(1) I really value full honesty in a relationship and don't know how I will personally deal with having such a secret

(2) Because we had oral s*x, there's a chance I could have acquired some sort of STD. I would obviously feel terrible if I gave something to my wife - and if something does show up in a few months, I will have to explain somehow how I got it! (Although I could say it must be from before we got married, since I really have never ever been tested for STDs).

Any advice about the best way to handle this? Am I freaking out over something that's not such a big deal? Or am I a terrible person?

Thanks...!

Answer 1

get an STD check. and ask yourself a few questions

1. would you lie to her to keep her happy?

2. would she cheat on you if she had the chance

if you tell her your marriage will never ever be the same again. you will hurt her badly but then living a lie is also bad. you will have ot make the choice becuase you know your marraige better than anybody on yahoo.

Answer 2

get tested for std's and tell her the truth because she's gona find out, they always do but it'll turn out better if she heard it from you and not someone else

Answer 3

I would advise you to tell her. It'll be hard and it'll cause a lot of chaos, but it's better to just say it and get it over with. The other option is that you keep it inside of you until it literally rots you from the inside.

When a person has been unfaithful, the two most beneficial things are to either tell their significant other or leave. Keeping that kind of secret can be more stress than it's worth.  

Answer 4

You know what they say ignorance is bliss.

If she can definately not find out by other means do not tell her.

Why ruin her life because you're a prick.

I love my husband and if he cheated on me it would ruin my life. I do not want my life ruined and I presume your wife wouldn't either.

Answer 5

First question; does you & your wife have kids?  If so she will know you are lying about the STD thing.  Do you want to be honest?

You were wrong!  You are not an honest person.  You do not deserve your wife.  let her go so she can happy with a real man.

YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON, NOW TELL HER.

Answer 6

if you love your wife, you are freaking out over something that is a big deal.  you have to  get tested for STD before you go home.

i heard the only reason people want to confess to having an affair is to relive themselves from feeling guilty. Once you tell your wife what you have done, you are now throwing this in her lap to deal with.

what you did was very selfish.  telling her what you did is selfish.  it's all about you.  

It's really a shame you did what you did.  I think you should keep this quiet and live with the guilt.  this way, you will keep the pain where it belongs,  with you.

Answer 7

Your friend is absolutely right.

Really have a good look at where you went wrong. Why were you really drawn to this woman you just met and why on earth did you as far as even oral s*x with someone you fear contracting STD from ?  Many questions you need to ask yourself so that you know that you really learn your lessons as supposed to 'I won't do it again because it is such a headache to deal with the consequences' or 'I feel bad so I have to tell her' !  That's not the real lesson.

If you have those answers in your head and in your heart.  When you tell your wife, you will be able to be honest, show that you really learn your lessons and therefore won't do it again.

Do I sound like I am contradicting myself !?

I will explain:  By NOT telling your wife, you are cheating!  Cheating isn't just about having full blown s*x with someone else.  That is just one of the 'symptom'. Cheating is underhanded actions & thoughts.  Cheating is not honouring your marriage nor the lady you have chosen to be your wife.  Cheating is dishonesty.  You know this deep inside, that is why you have the urge to tell your wife.

Get yourself STD tested before you go home.  These tests dont take long.  Pay for it privately if need be but do it promptly.  It will put you out of your misery also.

I would only tell her face to face.  Tell her the most important thing first - that you really misssed her during this time away and found it quite hard to cope.  Show he you missed her and tell he in many ways. Then, once you are connected back together properly ( I mean a few hours rather than days & weeks)  Tell her that You 'have learnt an important lesson' while away.  You had a brief weak moment and had allowed things to go further than you intended.  (This is where your learnt lessons come in).  NEVER go into full details of what and how you did it. Concentrate on telling what you learnt.  Tell her that you were so paranoid and regret your misjudgements so much you had yourself tested (I doubt you can get STD from just receiving an oral s*x in this scenario) and it is all cleared.  Tell her that although you had wanted to tell her straight away you thought it would be better if you tell her face to face - i.e. face up to her with your mistakes.

Tell her from your heart.  Concentrate on telling her that you have learnt form it and how sorry you are that you may have hurt her.  Tell her what you think the solution may be in terms of dealing with your weaker moments if you are away from her.

If you deal with it honestly and without drama nor defending yourself nor comdemning yourself.  I am certain that she would be able to see it and forgive you.  Allow her to have moments of feeling hurt.

I am sure it would work out ok.

Please don't ever say words like 'It was only oral s*x'  or 'it was only just the once'.  Don't say 'she was very attractive/beautiful' - that would be a lame and hurtful excuses. These sentences are killers of relationship.  It would be insulting and belittling your committment to each other.  Trust me don't ever use those words.

It takes a brave man to do this and own up to his mistakes and deal with the consequences.  It takes maturity and a lot of courage to tell your wife the lessons you learnt.  it can really help your relationship grow.  

'Confession' in this case would be selfish - it is like going home to mum and say 'sorry' and assume that that owuld be the end of it and you should be forgiven. 'Secrecy' is like a naughty child.

I am certain that if you do right, responsibly and with maturity.  Everything will work out well.  She will love you for it and her wounds won't be so big and it will heal very quickly into stronger relationship.

Answer 8

You should tell her. You should be honest and forthcoming about everything that happened. Why? Because that thing called "women's intuition" isn't a myth. She will know that something is different. She may not be able to pinpoint what, but she will know. In fact, you will give it away.

When any individual who has a conscious does something that causes them to feel guilty, they give off clues. These show up in their mannerisms, actions, words, and moods. Women are very tuned in to these things, far moreso than men. And, if you and your wife are close, she will be able to figure out that something happened right away.

Are you worried about destroying your marriage now? Why weren't you concerned with your marriage before you hopped in bed with a stranger? Why do people act before considering the consequences? What was it, inside of you, that made you believe that being with another woman in any way would be acceptable? These are things you need to think about.

Your marriage will never be the same even if you don't tell your wife. You will know what you've done and this mistake will always be lingering in the back of your mind. You'll carry it like a 200 pound weight inside of your chest and the load will become harder to bare with every year that passes.

I hope you have the personal integrity and enough respect for your wife to come clean.

Answer 9

I would tell her but that's up to you. You need to be accountable for your actions. And, telling her yet another lie about having STD is just another way you are lying to yourself. I think you need counseling with your wife to try to get over this or at least have her forgive you. Just think if you don't tell her then you will be living a lie. You should get tested before you go home and treated if you do have something. I don't think you are a terrible person I just think you have your priorities messed up.  

Answer 10

Don't tell her and NEVER do it again.

Definitely get yourself checked immediately for any STD's.

The next time this happens and let us hope it doesn't,

have the little w**e perform it on you with a condom.

I would then begin to evaluate what is wrong in your marriage that you allowed this to happen.

because you know darn well as soon as you made out you should have had the instinct enough to snap out of it and tell this little hussy to go home because things were getting heated and you were a married man!

As far as you freaking out?

You should be.

It IS a big deal but it doesn't mean your a terrible person.

Just stupid. ha ha

Answer 11

do you want to be a man and take responsibility for what you've done or do you want to regret your whole life.you make the choice

Answer 12

I value honesty as well, so, if it was me, I would definitely tell. There's no way to do it easily, and you'll have to take the repercussions that come with it.  Showing remorse, owning responsibility, being willing to do whatever is reasonable to repair the relationship, or being willing to accept that it's over, that's all part of it.  It's either that route, or it's your conscience weighing on you.  It's your life, only you can make that decision.

Answer 13

From experience I would come clean. I cheated on my husband, we had been away from each other 2 years and I made a huge mistake.I couldn't keep it a secret, it was gonna kill me. I came clean and it took him a while but he gave me a second chance. That was 5 years ago and we couldn't be happier. Get tested for an STD and then come clean. That way you can show to her that you really do want to make things right.  Its gonna be hard to tell her, but if she gives you a second chance and you guys can get past this you'll be stronger for it.

To the person that said he was a terrible person. People make mistakes. I'm sure you've made a mistake, mabye not cheating but still made a mistake.

Everyone deserves a second chance.

Good luck. I hope you have learned your lesson and she can give you another second chance.  

Answer 14

That was very horrible of you! I guess things will be better if you don't tell your wife, depends if you handle the guilt! But seeing as you are a cheater I think it would be fair if you let her divorce you because you don't deserve her!

harriet

Answer 15

The only thing I can say is what if she did this to you?  Would you want her to come clean with you?

Answer 16

You're not a terrible person. You made a poor decision. This event could definitely disturb trust issues in your marriage and honesty is important. Tell her exactly what you stated above...Not you think but you believe you have learned your lesson and are very sorry. What if the tables were turned?? Would you want your wife to tell you?

Answer 17

as a woman i wud advice u not to tell her because it wud break her heart and u said that u learned your leason,so no need to  tell her,but u have to go to get tested for std's.

btw,have u had s*x with your wife since then,because if u didnt and if u do have an std u can get treatment before u go home.(but, then again not all std's can be treated)

Answer 18

if i was your wife I would be torn by wanting to know but also not wanting to know.... If it was just once and you learned your lesson like your friend said then no don't tell her It would just break her heart

Don't do it again.  If you feel the need to cheat anymore then file for a divorce and let your wife walk away with everything

Answer 19

You should tell her not only because its the right thing to do but face it EVERYTHING comes to light sooner oe later, and yes you might think "it was half way across the country". but it always goes that somebody that knows somebody tells somebody that they saw with that girl. Sooner or later, either youll crack, or shell find out somehow. And its a lot better for her to find out by you now then to here it from you or someone else later. if you tell her later shell be like "omg this whole time youve been lieng to me" which is way worse than just telling her now. if someone else tell her itll be "omg i cant believe you never told me", plus the additional embarrassement that everyone knew b4 her. Point is YES, EVERYTHING and i mean EVERYTHING comes to light sooner or later.

Answer 20

Yes, you are certainly correct. You are indeed a terrible person and you should be ashamed.

If you don't come clean she may find out latter and that would be even worse!

Answer 21

Dude! You already screwed up by telling your best friend.  I would have taken that one with me to the grave.  Loose lips sink ships.  Hopefully youur buddy won't spill the beans.  Good luck.

Answer 22

Dude...You just dug yourself a big hole. Never tell anyone anything,  even your best friend, until you've made your decision to tell or not tell the wife.  You'll tell her, that's your personality.  Thing look downhill from here.  She never trust you, she never trust you on a business trip and she'll give your best friend a bj just to spite you.  Dude...life sucks for you. Next relationship, keep your p----- in your pants.  

Answer 23

No don't tell her.  You are doing it to make yourself feel better, and that's selfish.  It will only make her feel bad.

You are not a terrible person, people make mistakes.  The fact that you feel guilty shows that you are decent and won't do this again....right?

Get yourself checked for STD's, right away.  You're right it would be awful if you gave your wife something.

Answer 24

This is a really difficult situation. If you say that you value total honesty in a relationship, then tell her. You need to be prepared for the consequences. You may be facing a divorce. Telling her is the only true way to clear your guilt.