Should I upgrade to a Mountain Bike?

Question

"Bejabbers my Ar*e!" I spluttered as my knackers took a resounding pounding as I rode across the cobbles on my trusty Penny-Farthing.

I was in the Town Centre you see, had to buy some Grapes for a gentleman Chap is laid up with a terrible case of Haemorrhoids.

Thoughtful 'aint I just?

Also, I noticed a lot of people tend to point and smirk. Naturally as I whip out my Horse Whip to administer due punishments, I more often than not lose my balance shouting just choice words as "Zounds!" or "Yonks!"

Is it time for me to invest in one of these "Self Propelled Mountain Cycles" I keep hearing about?

I need a bit of excercise, can't rely on the Driver all of the time, what?

Answer 1

no, a penny-farthing

Answer 2

god, learn to talk

Answer 3

By George I think you hit the ten penny nail on the head ole chap!

A mountain bike would be a choice and proper purchase, provided you have mountains to ride on.

Answer 4

Are you a man or a mouse? (eek!).

Mountain velocipedes are the preserve of merchant bankers and soccer players.  Real gentlemen ride Penny-Farthings on solid rubber tyres.  Any maladies resulting from this are character building and good for the soul.

As for smirking peasants, simply blast them to smithereens with your trusty blunderbuss, followed by a swift 50 kV from your TASER.

Answer 5

Nonsense, all that you need is a good quality pair of cycle trousers, tailored by a reputable shop.  Thus fortified, you should then be able to tackle any situation life throws at you.  Why, I have even seen Penny Farthings and even unicycles used with great aplomb in that great bastion of mountain bikers, the trail quest.

No, do not waver from your resolve, for it is this steadfast commitment to Britishness that has made our island great.  So mount your trust metal steed, wearing your protective top hat and tweed cycle trousers and proclaim the arrival of a new outdoor sport that would test the manhood of the most extreme X games entrant, Downhill Penny Farthing racing.

Luck

Answer 6

I think a Man of your calibre and temperament should invest in a Palanquin, or a Sedan Chair. You should be able to get a couple of Bone Idle Door Monkeys to carry you around, forthe price of a few Purple cans.

When they wear out, just hop out and look under the pile of cardboard nearest the cashpoint, and "recruit" some more with your old Horsewhip.

Much more in keeping with a proper Gentleman, than a Mountainus Bi-sexual or whatever it was that turned your eye in the first place.