Should We consider Trying to Conceive?

Question

Me and My girlfriend Have been "seeing each other" since February. Not very long i know. We Had our first date in April of 2006. We have known each other all this time, and talked frequently. She now lives with me, and we share a joint checking account our checks go into the same account to pay each others bills with. We love each other immensely. I ask her everyday if she will marry me and she says yes. I would love to marry her tomorrow and elope, but she wants a big to do wedding. Something memorable, which of course I understand. If it were up to me we'd be married today. We are soul mates. We both want children so badly. She's 2 years older than me and she wants to have kids by 30. Well that's approaching quickly. We are both very responsible independent people. Who love each others company and value family. We both come from bitter divorced families and know what it does to children. We lost our virginity to each other. I don't believe it's lust. It's real.. very real.. for both of us. Are we crazy for wanting a baby and not being married? Do you think it sounds crazy? Please keep in mind. We want to and will get married, just not yet. We are practically married right now.

please refrain from replying with rude remarks. All posts will be greatly appreciated. THANKS!

Answer 1

Just wait till you are married! I know marriage is expenisive and takes a lot of planning, but so do children. Show some self control and get the marriage ball rolling and then have kids.

If it is really meant to be, it will happen.

Answer 2

its not crazy but just because you love someone doesnt mean ur ready to have a baby.me & my bf have been living together for 4 yrs and not married so i know how u feel but the first thing you should worry about when having a babe is HOW are u going to afford it.

for the first 6 wks she will have to keep the baby until its old enough to go to daycare. so it will be only your income for about two months at least. then $400-$600 a month just for daycare not counting formula wipes and diapers for everyday. its really expensive and that will put stress on ur relationship. u may think ur so perfect for each other u will never yell or argue at each other but you just dont know until that stress is there.  

Answer 3

if both of you wants kids start tonight

Answer 4

I'm not saying you have to be married to raise children, but if you both are willing and If you've asked her to marry you and she's said yes, then why wouldn't you wait until you're married?  I know people that have planned the wedding of their dreams in 4 months!  I bet she doesn't want to be pregnant walking down that aisle, so put a ring on her finger, get married and then plan the rest of your lives together....

Answer 5

1:  if it is important to you, practically married is not married

#2 No, it is not crazy to want to marry and have a family but it sounds like the both of you have different priorities.  Have you actually discussed parenting styles?  Please realize that this baby will be a baby for only a few years then both of you will be responsible for this human until it is 18.  

Answer 6

I was where you are, but I waited until I got married & I'm happy I did. One day that baby will do the math & I don't want to leave a doubt in his mind that his birth had anything to do with our marriage decision.

I don't look down on anyone who decides to have a child out of wedlock but I know it was nice to be able to drink at my wedding (not pregnant) and not have to worry about a sitter for any of the planning(weddings are tough) or honeymoon  

Answer 7

No, you are not crazy.  If you really feel like this is the person you will spend the rest of your life with and that you could raise children with her, then go for it.  Many people have children on purpose outside of wedlock.  But remember that a big wedding will be much harder to pull off after a little one is in the picture.  And you may not want your child to count back your wedding anniversary and see that they came before the wedding.  It is about your values and beliefs, and no one can tell you what is right for you.

Answer 8

i think you should wait the only reason is, is that she wants a big wedding that cost money lots of it an kids cost money if you have a baby now she wont get that wedding of her dreams cause the money goes right to the kids an she might not want that right now cause women an wedding dresses are a big deal so she might want to look her best but if she has a kid now she might hate the way she looks so i think give it time cause money will be hard to come by if u have a kid now or you can just talk to her urself it sounds like you have a good relationship

Answer 9

Why not pick a date and start planning the wedding?  You can get a big wedding planned in a few months.  Then, once all that excitement is done, you can settle down and start the family.

It will be a LOT harder to have the big wedding of your girlfriend's dreams if you have a baby to take care of.  Its a fairy big time committment with all the planning.  Big weddings are expensive when you are trying to pay for all of the baby's things, too.

Answer 10

If you both come from divorced families, don't you think you should be married first?

If you can't afford a wedding, do you really think you can afford a baby.

Remember too, babies make things very hard on a relationship.

You are not married right now.  You are in the honeymoon period of playing house.

Don't have a baby yet.  Ger more stable first.  

Answer 11

A lot of things have changed over the years it's now acceptable to have childeren and not be married. From the sounds of it you two love eachother very much, I say if you too are ready to have kids you should let the fact that you're not married get in the way. You'll get married eventually, people have different prioirties do what you want as long as you can support the baby you'll be fine. Good luck :)

Answer 12

Do your self a favor . Make sure you are set . Money wise. You have no idea how much extra it coasts to have a child . The food and diapers alone are a crazy amount of money. Then child care if your girlfriend/wife doesn't want to work or can't. Its a huge leap. If she wants a memorable wedding. Just do a destination wedding. We had ours. And it was nothing but a pain in the *** to have all the family and friends come from all over and be pissy. The Movies make the wedding seam so special .. Yes I had a beautiful wedding. But the money in the bank is so much nicer. I love having my 5 month old son.

you never know how long its going to take to make a child . But do it when you are sure you got it together. Don't jump into something you will be sorry.  

Answer 13

If you guys think you are ready to start a family then by all means do. You can always get married and have the wedding later on.

Answer 14

Are you mentally prepared for a baby?

What about your financial situations? My mom used to always  say 'love is great, but it doesn't pay the bills.'

Answer 15

I would just like to start by saying that my fiancee and I are due to have a baby this November. I was pregnant before he proposed to me. WE too thought that marriage is nothing more that a piece of paper and a name change for me. We both know that we love each other deeply. We were together a little over a year when we decided to go ahead and have a child. I think it all depends on who you are. There are some people who firmly believe that kids before marriage is wrong, while others dont. If you love each other and you are both certain that is what you want, then all power to you !!...

Answer 16

...Tasha your momma is wise, nice quote...

Well, its called love just be careful.

Use logic and not just emotions, a word of advice joint bank accounts are never a good thing. Get married first (or at least wait awhile), sure being married is a piece of paper. But,  if you don't have funds for a wedding now, how do you expect to take care of a child? We all want things, but sometimes we're not ready for it (its called being an adult). Age is nothing but a number, get you're together, save some cash.

But whatever some people like learning the hard way. Think about it.

Answer 17

I would suggest getting married first, but its totally your decision.

Answer 18

well she says she'll marry you so get her a ring and marry her! if you want her so bad you can wait for her to plan a big wedding and then have children and you two will be so happy and quickly have a child i'm sure

and remember you'll have to explain to your child why you've only been married seven years and he's ten (for example) or why you're not married....so i would wait until after marriage

Answer 19

BY ALL MEANS, DO!!

Answer 20

Something is up man!  If she and you truley wanted to get married you would.  Everyone wants a big wedding!  Less then 10% of us accually have the money to do so.  There is something else she or you is not telling us.

Answer 21

In my opinion, you do not need to be be married to love each other, live together or have children. Marriage is just a piece of paper, a legal document. It really should have nothing to do with your love or desire to have a baby. If that is what you really want and timing is an issue then go for it, and create the perfect wedding when you can if you still need it. You could create your own ceremony that is memorable with all your friends and family, that doesn't require a piece of paper. To the soul love is all that matters.

Answer 22

Frankly, whether people wait to have children until after they've married, or if they have children out of wedlock, well, it depends on the person. If that makes sense. lol

If having children out of wedlock is something you want to do, something you are ready and willing to do, then that is your decision. Go right ahead. If you are unsure and have major doubts about doing so, maybe you should wait until you are married. To me, you seem ready to have children with your girlfriend/fiance, so there's really nothing stopping you.

Answer 23

I already know that my answer is not going to be popular.  But I'll post it nonetheless.

You guys are doing everything backwards.  People used to fall in love first, then get married, then have s*x, and then have children.  It is a little bit silly to expect people to come to a big wedding celebration, with her in a white dress and the whole nine yards, when you two have already set up a household together.  It's kind of a joke.  Convince her to just get married by a Justice of the Peace, or have a small inexpensive gathering with your loved ones.  The point should be that you are making vows to each other, and that the people you love would be there to witness it.  She can get a beautiful dress, you could wear a tux.  Wouldn't that be memorable enough, without spending $10,000?

The statistics say that living together first actually diminishes the chances that you two will stay together, even if you get married eventually.  That's because people who live together don't have the same level of commitment that people who get married first have.  This isn't a personal attack, it's just the facts.

Make your commitment to each other formal first.  That is a more stable environment for starting a family.  I don't understand what's stopping you from getting married sooner rather than later, if you both love each other so much.  

Answer 24

Why not?  People have children in unmarried households all the time.  Just keep in mind that this is a life sentence having a child.  If your love to this woman fall apart, there's no turning back once there's a child involved.  

Although it feels like a lot, you haven't even been together long enough to have had a baby.  Six months may seem like a lot, but you really are still in the honeymoon period of your relationship.  It's only been six months.  I don't think I was burping in front of my husband yet by six months!  lol

Answer 25

i think that sounds like a brill idea,

theres no law against having children when ur not married!!

x

Answer 26

That is such a personal issue that I can't understand your soliciting opinions from strangers on a website.  That said, wait til you get married to have a child.  There are so many children born out of wedlock these days.  Sounds old-fashioned, but get married before you have kids.  Besides morality, there's also insurance coverage and other financial issues to consider.

Answer 27

Well in my personal opinion, I think you should wait until you're married(unless that's just going to be TOO far away and you're both going to be geezers by then) because there might be some complications down the way that might eventually cause for a divorce.  I think it would be safer for your children if you waited until you were married, since you do seem to be concerned and you've had experience with divorced parents.

Answer 28

I just think that you should wait until you're married.  to me having a child before marriage give opportunity for one of you to leave if it gets rough without having to do a lot of paper work compared to if you're married.  I think you should wait a least a year into your relationship if you do want to have one before marriage.