Should a 7 year old boy be told his Father is in prison for life?

Question

He knows he is in prison, but he does not know for life. He has never met him and wants to go see him. So far we have not let him have any contact, he was incarcerated when the child was a baby. I did not give him the birthday card "Dad" sent. I want to do the right thing for the child but he is getting older and asking more questions. Sometimes he cries for him. My husband and I disagree on whether he should have anything to do with him or not? The child has severe anger issues, emotional problems, outbursts and talks about wanting to die. He has been diagnosed with ADHD on top of it all. His Mother has him 1-2 nights a week, we have him the rest. He is a confused boy. How should we deal with his questions about his Father????

Answer 1

The first thing I think you need to do is have him see a children's couselor for his behaviour and anger issues.  You probably already are, but I thought I should mention that just in case.

He also probably is a little confused because he doesn't live with his mom or dad and that is hard at this age - other kids in school live with mom and dad and they talk about them all the time in class - what they did this weekend, fathers and mothers day, etc.  I'm sure he feels different and that frustrates him.

I worked in an elementary school in an area where there were a lot of "less traditional home" - single moms, single dads, grandparents acting as parents, etc.  There was a little boy there who's father was in prison and he said that in class a lot - he was 6, so not much different.  It was hard, the teacher didn't really know what to say in those instances.  She would ask what people did with their parents over the weekend and he would say his dad was in prison.  She would ask questions about home - like who has brothers, who has sisters, who's grandparents live with them or close by, etc.   He always said his dad was in prison - no matter what the question about home was.  He was seeing the school psychologist, by the way.  Then one day he didn't say that anymore - he just stopped talking about it all the time and he stopped obsessing on it.  I found out from the school psych that he started going to visit his dad, based on her reccomendation.  His whole demeanor changed.

Now this might not happen for every kid, but it certainly helped him - maybe it just stopped being such a mystery as to what is prison really like, what is my dad really like, etc.  I don't know.  But it helped.  

Also, you don't have to say he's in prison for life right now - just say he's not going to be able to get out and come visit you or live with you.  He won't be home ever again.  That is a little easier to understand.  Does he need to know why right now?  does he need to know that his little life already kind of sucks?  NO, he needs to know that he's got 2 great caretakers that really want the best for him, that his mom does the best she can and loves him, and that his dad cares about him....  

If you do decide to take him to see him, I would suggest you visit him first alone and explain what the boy expects and what you expect....

And explain the conditions under which he will be able to see dad - he has to go through the security and metal detector and can he touch him or not, etc....

Good luck -  you have a hard case there and I hope the best for you.

Answer 2

tell him the truth if you dont then he will prouble wont get anybetter but if you tell him he might get better

Answer 3

FIRST OF ALL NEVER LIE TO A CHILD. YES HE SHOULD KNOW HIS FATHER IS IN FOR LIVE AND WHAT HE DID TO GET THERE. I THINK IT SHOULD BE THE CHILDS CHOICE IF HE WANTS TO SEE HIS FATHER. AND THAT COULD BE WHY HE IS SO ANGRY! PUT YOURSELF IN HIS SHOES WHAT IF IT WAS U? THINK ABOUT IT. GOOD LUCK

Answer 4

The most likely reason he is troubled is because he knows something is wrong.

I think you should tell him everything, and give him the card his Dad sent him, but i think you should take things slowly. One thing at a time. It could be very hard for him to deal with if you tell him everything at once.

Also, is  he seeing a psychologist or therapist? If he keeps saying things like he wants to die, it might be adviseable, however, children sometimes say these sort of things for attention. Why would he seek more attention?? Because he wants to see his dad, and he wants attention from his dad. :)

hope this helps!:)

Answer 5

i can answer this question for personal experience. first of all ...who are you? why isn't this child with the mother? can't blame dad for everything...maybe he is having emotional problems because of separation from mom.

when my daughter was 2, her father killed someone in a bar and was sent to prison. she knew he was in prison, but didn't know why. when she started school, a lot of her class mates had parents who used to hang out with her father, and the kids talked. she came home one day and was saying how the kids at school were making fun of her because her father was in prison...she actually said.."oh well, it's not like he killed somebody".

i had to tell her then and there. i tried to shield her, but i think i did more harm than good. i told her he killed someone in a bar fight and left out as many details as i could. i used to let her write her dad, and gave her all the letters he sent her. his mother used to go down every few months to see her son in prison, and i used to let her take my daughter and i even let my older daughter go ( not his biological child) to see him as they had a bond.  after doing his time, he finally got out. he no longer keeps in contact with her, but at least my conscience is clear...i let her know her dad.

Answer 6

don't lie to him and don't keep cards and letters from him, and don't tell him y he is in prison let his other parents tell him when they r ready just tell him he did something wrong and he has to be there for the rest of his life.  I believe that u r going thur what i went thur raising other ppls kids, the out bursts and acting out is because mom's there part time u can't miss what u don't have in a sense so i think hes using his dad as an escape for his mom that is there part time.  it's gotta be hard to see mom 1 day a week, knowing dad is some where out of reach and being raised by somebody else.  i know i live it everyday with my kids that i raised.  best of luck and your special by being their for this child.

Answer 7

I think you should take it slow, the best way to answer his question is with the truth

here is a website I came across about "Telling the chidren" from The Incarcerated Fathers Library

http://www.fcnetwork.org/library/p9Telli...

http://www3.sympatico.ca/cfcn/telling.pd...

Answer 8

You need to be honest. He will find out , You might as well tell him the Truth , if you dont tell him , someone else will. He's gonna end up in therapy on way or another.

Good Luck .

Answer 9

Yes be honest.

Answer 10

i am afraid the only thing to do in this circumstance is keep the boy alive, and under no circumstances euthanize him.

Answer 11

This is so sad and none of it is the boy's fault.Does the boy know why his father is in prison? Why does he stay with you and not his mother? His dad sending him a card should nave been given to him. Let him keep in touch with his dad by going to visit, sending letters and receiving cards and letters. This might help him more than you know to get over his anger. Yes, tell the child that his dad will most likely never come home. At all times tell him the truth, never make anything up. This little boy needs a lot of help, he also needs your love and support. Do not regret tomorrow what you did not do today. Best of luck.

Answer 12

Be honest. He will find out eventually, and he will just be more upset that you hid the truth from him. Use terms he can understand, but he honest about what is going on.

Answer 13

yes, tell him that.  give him the card dad sent, let him see his dad, and let him talk to him.  he is confused because he feels like something isn't right.

Answer 14

You did not state if you Custodial Duty of the child, are you his legal Guardian?

The answers depend exactly on this one issue......

and the answers vary from State to State, Juridiction to Jurisdiction.....

Contact your local Govt'. County or Town Health Department,

find out what services are available through them, to get this young Boy,   AND   his Mother counseling.

You might even check with different Church Organizations, to see if they will assist with this counseling.

Counseling is the only issue right now, and needs to be the main focus.

All of the issues, including the separated father will be addressed

I mediate...as for the answers about the Father, tell him is is presently in prison. Only give him information he asks for, and make the answers concise and direct. DO NOT sugar-coat, or answer with any slant to the truth. Be honest.

If he asks when he will be home, or able to see him, just explain you are working to get those answers, but you do not have one yet. And be working to get the issues rresolved.

He is upset....there is no telling what he has benn told about the father, by the mother, or you, or your husband. And if any negativity has ever been expressed about the Father...he will resent, and start to hate.

Become PRO-active.... NOW, not tomorrow, or next month. Get on the phone and get the assistance that is needed for this boy now, and for his mother.

Answer 15

It's best to be honest at the offset to avoid problems in the future

Answer 16

ur jus makin it worse by witholding info take him 2 see his dad let his dad tell himbecause if u dont he might not want anyting to do with you in the future

Answer 17

Yes, I think you should tell him.  You should also have given him the card that the dad sent.  No matter what, this is the child's biological father and he'll never have another one.  My suggestion is to contact the Prison's social services and speak with a counselor there. They are experienced in these matters and could best advise you.

Answer 18

i was 5 when my father was incarcerated (for 12 years, but since his was a plea bargain for a 24 year sentence, instead of life and he got off on good time, my guess is the offense is similar) and my sisters were 3 and 1.  my mother NEVER kept his letters or cards from us.  she let us go visit him (in our grandmother's care) more often than the courts said (one day every month for 8 hours, we usually went two days during a weekend period).

if i were your son and knew you were keeping me from the man who helped bring me into this world, my ROOTS, i would be acting out and having anger issues too.

from the child's point of view, you have done wrong by denying him and his father a relationship.  what happens when he turns 18 and can go visit him at will and finds out that his dad sent him things that you kept from him?  the trust-bond between you two will be severed, maybe even irreparably.  do you want it on YOUR conscience that it was YOU who caused that?  

let him see his father.  let him decide for himself if this man is someone your son wants in his life.  (and 7 is NOT too young to learn an discern whether a person is worthy of a child's time.  my nephew made that decision about his bio dad at the age of 5 after living with him for a couple of months, as did his 9 year old sister.)  my guess is your son is more intuitive than most people give children credit for.

ps- my relationship with my dad is fairly decent.  we have our own issues and boundaries, but we were able to set those (well, i was able to set mine, as did each of my sisters) boundaries because we had a relationship for so many years.  and he's been out for ten years now.

Answer 19

Whatever it costs, including a second mortage on the house, even a third mortage, or a personal loan against your furniture, you precious grandson needs to be seen by a professional therapist, who can then advise you the best course of action.

Btw, being on death row is a little more significant than being "in prison for life," don't you think?

Answer 20

i feel at this point you could tell him about his father. he is old enough to ask and if he isnt living with his mother and knows you are not his biological parents, he may be very confused. i would prepare him by taking him to a therapist first and then slowly introducing the "father" too much at once will send him into an emotional roller coaster that he could never recover from. children likke him, i mean with his "special needs", have to be prepared for life altering changes no matter how small they may seem to you or me. he should be well prepared for what could happen during a visit and make sure the "father" wants him to come first. if the "father" doesnt want to see him and he goes and gets rejected, that could cause harm that he may not recover from. i dont really believe in "therapists" but i do think in this situation, he needs someone he can trust to talk to about his issuse. it may also help with the behavior problems. remember it may take some time until he is prepared to meet his "father" and you should be prepared for some hard times to come. good luck.

Answer 21

You should be very honest with him. tell him that his father is in jail and try to answer any questions he might have.  He should know that you never waviered from the truth.

He SHOULD be allowed to have any and all letters. He should never HAVE ANY doubt that he is loved by his bio father. That could really *uck with him if he thinks he is not loved!

You need to sit down and speak with a psyc. and learn how to answer these issues. Ask his doctor for a referral for a rep.. You need to learn the propert way to address your feelings. In my case, (6yr girl biologic father Active drug addict, Step dad is aw some) we answer most questions that we feel are age appro. anything more we tell her that when she is older we will address those questions then. We have a binder full of all past police reports etc that she can read if she chooses when we feel she is old enough. My best answer for those questions that she is to young to know the truth is "I know that you could understand the truth about your father, BUT out of respect for your age and innocence, it is not something that you need to know at this time. I promise you that when you get older, we will sit down and i will answer any questions you might have. I have that binder there full of information/reports. All that you need to know it that your father loves you dearly."

Our phsy. gave me that phrase to use...and i swear...it has worked great!! At this time all that she needs to know is that her bio loves her and just cannot be around. She also attends al-anon meetings with me and really put things together by herself. prior to US learning how to answer her questions...we had totally behavioral problems! Anger, distrust, and constant fights! Now, she really is fine with what ever contact she has with him. Mostly just occasional phone calls. She has grown so much and is so happy. Bottom line is...what ever past her father had with me...and his addiction...it is not the person she knows. She only knows him as a happy, disneyland dad. And that image is great! I am so happy that she has that instead of a question of love or truth.

Answer 22

Tell him the truth. Kids can handle the truth better than later on finding out their childhood was a lie. I have a cousin. She is 11. Her dad was not in the picture when she was born. Her mother married some one else. The family got her to call him dad - when they divorced she was 5 then they said he's not your dad - he moved out of state and by law could not see her. She did not understand why she couldn't see the man she had known as dad when her brother and sister went to see him. When she was 8 my grandmother ( who is raising her told her the truth her real dad was in prison ). She was happier to know the truth. She is more adjusted to life and has accepted life. They have taken her to see him and she understands he made mistakes and must be in jail. I come from a mess of a family but I have seen what problems come from lying to your kids. Don't hide cards - he will grow up to resent YOU not his dad. It's hard I know but it may help with his anger if he understands more of what is going on. You may need to hold specific details until he is older.

Answer 23

I think it is time to tell him, although children don't always want or need all of the details.  Start by telling him that there are consequences for our behavior, and give him examples of what happens when we break simple rules.  Then, let him know that his father loves him but made some wrong choices, leading to him going to prison.  Let the child know that he may visit his father periodically, and don't keep him from his dad, or he may rebel.  Let him have the truth, or you will risk losing the child's trust.  Give him the birthday card, and let him know that even though his dad is away, he also has other family that loves him and will always be there for him.