Should a child know they are adopted from the begining?

Question

My son was adopted by my parents at the age of 15 months. He had already started to call me mom. I was under the impression he would always know Im mom and they are his grandparents. But, just as soon as they got him they changed it up and they were his mom and dad and I was just me. Now my son has horrible issues and he is only 8 years old. One day we are going to have to tell him the truth and Im very afraid of how he will react. Should we have told him from the start who I was and who they were?

Answer 1

Wow - what a sad situation.  Unfortunately, it sounds like it's too late to "tell him from the beginning."  The answer though...is YES, I believe adopted children should know from the beginning.  Think about it this way - when you hide something, why do you hide it?  Usually people hide things because they are ASHAMED of it.  The last thing you ever want is an adopted child to feel ashamed or like it's something he/she needs to HIDE.  I believe the adoptive parents should be honest and tell the child from the beginning so there's no confusion.  Your parents did wrong in this case.  It would've been better if you had let your parents care for the child but you did not terminate your legal rights.  NOw, THEY are the parents like it or not and you not longer have the legal right to have a say in how he is raised.  That's a lesson in accepting the consequences of one's decisions and hopefully learning.

Answer 2

I think the boy should know the truth, and in an ideal world, should have been introduced to it at an early age (at a level of detail that is age-appropriate, filling in as he gets older).

However, your parents are now the boy's parents, and I think it's reasonable for them to be called Mom and Dad by the boy (although I'm sure that is very difficult for you).  Knowing that you are his birth mother doesn't mean that he should be obliged to continue to call you Mom, just like in a non-family adoption, you wouldn't expect the child to call his adoptive parents something other than Mom and Dad.

It would help the discussion to know if, at the time of the adoption, you planned to be (or were led to believe by your parents that you would still be) an active part of your son's life - that is, the adoption was more of a legal / financial arrangement for the well-being of the child.  Or was the intention all along that your parents take over the parenting relationship?

I've got a family member in the same situation (child adopted by grandparents).  The child calls her adoptive parents/grandparents "Mom and Pop" and calls her birthmother "Jane".

Answer 3

I agree with you....your son should have been told the truth from the beginning.  It is very wrong to cover up things like this, because it affects children adversely when they learn the truth, and then they have trouble trusting those who lied to them.

But that having been said, it is your parents who must share the truth with him now, because they are legally his mother and father, even if you gave birth to him.  You should get the advice of a therapist as to how the news should be broken to him.

Answer 4

I think you should have but thats just my opinion. Its probly be wise to tell him now before he hits puberty. Or wait until after puberty. Puberty is tough and itd be even harder finding out then that your parents are not your biological parents. If you tell him now, he might be able to let it sink in and he might accept it before he hits puberty. If you tell him after he may be older and more mature and able to accept it better but he also may wonder why he was lied to for so long.

Answer 5

The same kind of thing happened to my family!My brother was adopted and my parents never told him or me  ! One day he wanted to see his birth certificate so he could join cadets my parents refused to give it to him but he kept on asking so they had to show him!! He was devastated to learn the truth !! Now if he would have known from the beginning it won't have been a big deal !! He will fine out no doubt about it !! My relationship with him changed that day and was never the same !! He felt he wasn't part of our family and that he had been lied to all these years!!

Answer 6

Talk to your parents, get some advice from a therapist on how to do it, then do it together. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will become and the greater the shock will be to your little boy.  I'm sorry you were in a situation where you felt this was your best option. You are clearly a caring person and regardless of the circumstances surrounding your son's adoption, it's obvious that you have his best interests at heart. Good luck to you.

Answer 7

You should ALWAYS tell a child from the beginning. And for your parents to do that was outright wrong and immoral. This little boy will have so many mental problems when he finds out...not to mention it just might p**s him off to know that his real family did this. It is different when it is a completely different family than his own flesh and blood. I hope you can work this out before he gets too confused and mad.

Answer 8

Being a child that was adopted and knew her biological parents and my sisters and brothers, I think that it was very wise and sweet thing my Mommy and Daddy did for me.

I learned of the health issues and of a whole new family for me.

Mine was a pretty open adoption, and Im so very happy that I knew my birth parents and my brothers and sisters.

All my parents have passed on, and I was able to spend the last moments with all of them when they went on ahead of me.

I am truly blessed having known my birth parents..... I was lucky, Mommy and Daddy wanted me to know where I came from and I had 2 sets of parents.  

So I think it depends on if you can handle the fact of sharing your child, which the child is yours!!! with someone that gave life to that child.  I guess it would also depend on the background circumstances of why the child was adopted or given for adoption.  But, I am grateful I knew ALL my Parents!!

Good luck and God bless

Answer 9

Speaking as an adopted child, I would have to say I think honesty is best. I think that secrets lead a child to believe that there is something to be ashamed of, and puts a "stigma" on adoption. My situation was a closed adoption so it is different, but I never remember not knowing the truth. It was something my parents talked about very openly and honestly, and i think it has shaped my positive attitude about adoption, and made me ok with it. I think when secrets are kept, resentment builds in the child and they wonder why their parents didn't trust them enough to tell them the truth. I've seen a lot of these situations turn out badly. I hope everything turns out ok for all of you!

Answer 10

yes you should be,before is too late,i know he will understand you even he is young,im adopted too when i was 7 and i know everything and im happy and proud to be adopted!

Answer 11

Yes of course I do think children should be told as soon as possible. My parents told me at a very young age around 2 years if not younger; obviously I didn’t understand it till I was older. If your parents adopted your son why would you think you’d remain being his “mom” ?

Even though he is now 8 you can still tell him I would get some sort of storybook on adoption do Amazon search read it to him and then tell him. Better to tell him now then wait till he is a teenager or older.

Answer 12

It is not too late. with the advice of a therapist- tell your bio-son that you waited to tell him until he was old enough to understand what it meant and that you love him more than life itself and that the adoption has nothing to do with how much you love and cherish him.

My brother was given up by my mother before I was ever born. When he was 16 years old he hired an investigator and looked us up. So my mom had to explain to us the whole story when I was 12 and my sister was 10.  We all met him and his family and we have stayed very close and his mom (who adopted him) is just as much a second mom to me than my mom (his bio mom, he calls her by her name) is to him.

He may be surprised about it (I was when I found out my mom's secret) but it wasn't that big of a deal and my mom just told us the truth and it worked itself out.

Answer 13

You can never go wrong by being truthful. He needs to be told so he knows who he is.

Answer 14

one of my best friends was told he was adopted when he was 11 years old! he said that was the most confusing thing he had ever been through and that he wished they would have been honest with him from the begining. he had trust issues with his adoptive parents because he thought if they kept that from him what else could they be keeping? watching my friend go through that was very heart breaking for me.

Answer 15

That is generally a family choice. Some people do and others don't. I would talk with your parents to see if they agree with telling him now or waiting until he is older. At this point in time I think waiting would be best, he did not grow up with knowing it and he is 8 now. I don't think that is old enough to understand fully.

Answer 16

well it's there call I guess. But I always am very honest with my kids. Brutally honest acutally...

Answer 17

hindsight is always 20/20 and no matter what u had done u would question it. I gave up my oldest son to my Uncle and Aunt. We actually sat down and discuused the roles we wanted everyone to play in his life.  He just turned nine and knows he has 2 moms. He knows how much he is loved and that although i love him with all my heart when he was born i couldnt give him what he needed. He and I just had the whole why? discussion a few weeks ago and all those points came up again. When all of u can agree to tell him, make sure that he knows why. all of u will have to work at not pointing fingers, which is hard as h**l but, reminding him of your love for him and the fact that his family is still his family.  Good Luck.

Answer 18

You ARE and always will be his birth mother.  Your parents, assumed the role of Forever Parents at a time that you, more than likely, could not raise your son.

I believe adoption should be a part of every adopted child's vocabulary early on.  The details of his/her story however, should remain private, only to you, your family, and close circle of friends, afterall, this is the "child's story", not any one else's.

At 8, your son probably has questions already that maybe he has not asked.  I believe that now is the time, to educate him, "if" your parents are on board.  Better now, than when he is a teenager, as emotionally, it may be harder on everyone then.

Good Luck

Answer 19

I guess it is time for you and your parents to have a heart-to-heart...  It sounds like your son might already have an inkling that something is going on, not being in the situation it is hard to tell you what the right thing to do is.  I think sooner rather than later would be the best choice, but make sure that you and your parents are united in the decision and are prepared to answer some sticky questions at some point.

Good luck.

Answer 20

I would've told him from the start.  it would've prevented awkward moments. tell him as soon as you can

Answer 21

you should not be so ashamed of a craetion  of god. you should tell him before he gets older and you all have an acccident.

Answer 22

I would have told him. No offense or anything. I can tell you that I have always known that I was adopted... it's kind of hard to not know these things when I'm asian and my parent's are caucasian. If you raise your child the right way and stuff which I'm sure you do and all they won't really care... I have some issues that I'm still trying to sort out about my adoption but I'm happy where I am and I love my parents.

In my opinion they are my REAL parents. Help your son come to terms after he settles down. Cause all this stuff could be emotionally traumatizing at such a young age. Let him know that you love him more than anything. Since everything is all mixed up in your case just love him from all the different angles possible and let him know that you are his family first and foremost.

Good luck. :)

Answer 23

In your situation I would have left it as you mom and them grandparents or nana & pop or whatever. You did have contact with him over the eight years right? They should have left it because its going to confuse him. Now in other situations like I have a 4 year old adopted sister that was 2 months old when we adopted her and my mom is mom and dad is dad. Were just now thinking when the best time will be to tell her that she is adopted. Hopefully he will understand but dont be suprised if he is upset for a while.

Answer 24

they did adopt him so its up to them but being they are his grandparents they would rather he called them grandma and grandpa. I do believ that some day you should talk to your folks about when to tell them who his reall mom is.

Answer 25

Being an adoptee, I can tell you that honesty is the best policy.  However, it's a little late for that now.  To be honest, your parents should have just remained Grandma and Grandpa - plenty of grandparents raise their Grandchildren without having to be called mom and dad.  That 's just way too confusing and selfish if you ask me while their taking him in was anything but.  I honestly think that you should start addressing the issue now - if he's 8 and already has problems it's time to seek some counseling for him so that it doesn't cause any more trouble in his life.  Not to say that he'll become a social deviant, but he will have issues and then there is the issue of trust - whom will he be able to trust after all that's been said (or not said)?  

I beg you, if you aren't already getting him some help please do so and address every and any concern he has.  I would also address this adoption issue as soon as the counselor says that it is the best time.  Best of luck to you both and if you need someone to talk to, feel free to email me.

Answer 26

Yes, the sooner the better, let him have time to adapt to the new truth

dun wait until one day that everybody around him knew but he didnt

he'll be shocked