Should adopted kids be allowed contact with birth parents if rights have been terminated?

Question

Do you think it is healthy for an adopted child (under the age of 10) to have any contact with a birth mother who had her kids taken away for failure to protect? Her boyfriend/the kids birth father said he would kill the children at one point and she chose him over them. The birth father does not want any contact. The birth mother is currently in jail for holding a woman at knife point to rob her to get money for drugs. People have told me that a child should be able to know their birth parents but doesn't this seem unhealthy? I have told the birth mother that I will keep in contact with her and send pictures and updates as long as she does not try to contact the kids. When the kids are 18 then they can make the choice for themselves. She is also mad at me because when the kids asked why she was in jail, I told them the truth. Should I lie to the kids to be careful not to hurt her feelings? I think the kids deserve the truth.

Answer 1

No contact till the kids ALOT older, but a phone call to mom might help if the kids messing mom. But yea, ur in the right.

Answer 2

i think with them being under 10 i wouldn't lie to them by any means about why their mom is in jail, but i don't think i'd give every last detail.  i would probably tell them instead that their mom made some very bad choices in life  that has resulted in her being in jail.  and then explain what jail is like and why you want to make good choices.  i would give more information as they are older and have been in a stable home environement longer.  

for your situation no i don't think there should be contact.  seems mom made her choice.  and a very bad one at that.  she choose dad and drugs, over her children.  and the fact she ended up in jail for threatening someone else's child (adult or not it's someone's child)  to get her fix.  

dad doesn't want contact with the kids, i'd say great.  he sounds dangerous and someone i wouldn't want involved at all.  now if mom decides on making good choices for herself from now on.  and i mean she's going to have to really really prove it.  then i don't see why later on some contact would be ok.  but i would consult a therapist and talk to the children.  see how they would feel about that, since they will be older by then.  and should be able to give you an honest opinion.

in your particular situation i think contact at this point and time doesn't sound to be in the best interest of anyone.  dad's dangerous, mom needs to work on herself, and the kids need stability.  thankfully they seem to have that now.

i think you have a great heart and have the kid's best interest in mind.  and hope you'll be able to follow your instincts and know when or ever contact with their mom should be allowed.

if the kids know you are keeping contact with mom.  maybe if they want when they're older they will appreciate the contact you have maintained.  and hopefully they will respect you for it, wether or not they wish to make contact on their own.  but it doesn't sound like contact right now would help them any.

this is why each situation should be addressed on a case by case issue.  normally i'd say any contact is better than none.  but in this case, i'd say right now none is better than any.

Answer 3

I believe under your circumstances that no contact with the birth mother would be the best answer.  it does seem that the children have no desire to have any type of relationship with her.  If you have legally adopted them, they belong to you.  But I would prepare them when they are old enough to handle to truth behind their relinquishment.

Answer 4

Adoptees have a rough start to life - and with adoptive parents that don't understand their needs - life can be an ungoing struggle.

Many adoptees need knowledge (no lies - no made-up stories) of their first family - and contact - if at all possible.

It helps them with their sense of self identity and self worth.

As a loving mother - you should try your hardest to help them  know their first family - in as safe an environment as possible.

Many adoptees yearn to know their story - and where they belong (genetically) - but can usually understand that they also have 2 families - and unless you're trying to make them into something they're not (ie trying to mold them to be mini-you's - and not allowing them to be who they are - and love them wholly for who they are) then they won't go running off to find their first family.

Love the kids with all of your heart - be open and honest - try and keep self insecurities in check (we all have them - but we have to try not to dump our stuff on our kids) - and they will love you fully with their hearts.

Adoptees - and all children - want to be loved, needed, wanted, shown empathy when we're confused or sad - not thrown away.

It's certainly not unhealthy to see and know bio family. It can be very healing.

By all means - make sure it's always safe - but contact is a good thing.

Your adoptees can be far better off - emotionally - without having to wait so long to find out things they want to know.

ETA: just an add - the kids didn't ask for their parents to stuff up and have their rights terminated - the kids had no say in any of it - why should they be made to suffer on and on and on for the mistakes adults made.

Make it about them - the kids.

Answer 5

I wouldn't put your kids in danger, by any means, but even if your children's birth parents aren't the model of health you might wish, it can be really healing and healthy for kids to have knowledge and an accurate image of their birth family.  Keep what connection open that you feel you can.  Actually, around age 10 is a good age to introduce difficult information in a child's adoption story.  They are old enough to understand that people aren't perfect and that their parents' choices had nothing to do with them, and they can have some time to process things before they hit the adolescent identity crisis.

Answer 6

I would say yes they have the right to see there parents at any age...  

if the parents are that bad then just make it a supervised visit so you know that they are safe and if the father of the kids said that due to her having them and him not wanting kids then that is now solved as legally he does not now so should be safe

the fact that your children have the opportunity to see there birth mother is something that they should take full advantage of it will help them latter in life IMHO and should be a good thing that i would have like to see out where i am

Answer 7

When there are safety issues, no they should not be allowed contact.  Do we tell children the truth, yes, absolutely but to see a parent actively using?  Sorry can't ring true.  

ONe person said:  It's certainly not unhealthy to see and know bio family. It can be very healing.  It can be very unhealthy if the bioparent is manipulative and plays mindgames with the child, which can happen when children are adopted from foster care.  Our children can't have access (court ordered not us ordered) with their parents.  When children are old enough to understand we will tell them and when they are adults they can seek them out.  PROTECTION OF CHILDREN IS NUMBER ONE CONCERN.

Answer 8

If the child wants to have contact with the birth parents than yes, don't push it on them if they are unsure wait until child is about 13 also don't say anything bad about biological parents in front of child. Also before pursuing relationship between biological parents and child have the child see a psychologist, who can be there for child and help child go through extreme emotional feelings. Also pursuing this realtionship child may have anger outburst and becoming really confused (psychologist will also help with this)

Answer 9

Ok i was adopted when i was 11. and i was put into foster care at the age of 7. i dont think its a good idea for them to have any contact with their parents. my real dad raped me and my real mom was a drugy. my real father is in jail. but i did however contact my mother when i was 13 and its very hard. i cried alot saying i want them. i didnt realize all the stuff they did. how bad of parents they really were. i just remembered the good times. i dont think its healthy for them. if you let them be in contact with their biological parents they will just ask questions and stuff. i regret contacting my real parents. im 17 now. and i noticed when i contacted my mom i would rebell a little. started making excuses why i wasnt doing stuff. (my real mom didnt do this etc. ) i was really mean to my adoptive parents saying i dont love you and stuff like that i would compare them to my real parents. i cant have any contact with my parents until i'm 18 and im not going to. i may however talk to my real mother but never my father. i dont know if i helped but i hope i did.

Answer 10

With the whole story, I would not let the kids have contact at this time.  I would still try to keep the lines of communication open between you and the first mom.  Maybe you could use a p.o. box number.  If the kids expressed interest and if the first mother got clean then maybe supervised short visits eventually.  IDK, I'm not experienced in a situation like this.

What i do know is that no matter what she has done the kids will still love her.  There is a bond that is important.  When talking about their first mother, talk about her respectfully.  I applaud you for keeping in contact.  I think in the long run, its better if you keep taking the high road.  Your children will thank you.  

Good Luck.

Answer 11

yes cuz the should atleast get 2 know thier parents

Answer 12

Drugs cause people to act abnormal. If the kid's mom is in jail, she's probably clean & back in her right mind. By the time the kids are 18 the kids will be so curious about their roots that they will seek out their parents no matter how much you sneer about it.

Answer 13

My personal opinion:  If they're old enough to ask, they're old enough for a (truthful) answer.  As long as you're not embellishing, and/or telling them that their mom is bad (or any other judgmental word), then I think it's fine.  Kids should know the TRUTH.  They are entitled to THEIR truth.  This is part of who they are.

Now, as far as in-person contact, that would be up to you and the caseworker (I assume the caseworker is no longer involved if the adoption is final, so what the caseworker came up with before finalization should be followed through).  If the decision was made to keep bmom updated with photos and letters, and no contact, then that's what should happen.

Do not tell the kids their mom is a bad person.  That's for them to decide, but don't lie to them, either.  It is my belief that, as aparents, it is our job to be the keepers of these kids' information, and to give them their information, without any embellishment or subjective comments, when they ask for it.  It is theirs, not ours.  Sounds like you and I are on the same page.

Answer 14

as far as this whole story- i do not think it would be safe for the children to have contact with them..... sure you can tell them the TRUTH, but for children under the age of 10 there are some things that you do not need to discuss.... i would not even worry about it... her rights are tarnished and so are their father's.... keep doing what you are doing and ignore the fact that she is mad you told them the truth about her....

Answer 15

I agree totally with your decision to restrict contact with your kids birth mother.  Kids need stability and safety.  Shame on anyone for suggesting that you should lie to your children about the reasons their mother is in jail.  NEVER lie to kids, ever!!  She has relinquished her right to consider herself their parent.  Giving birth does not make you a mother, love and nurture does that.  She has made it quite clear she is not willing or in a position to nurture these kids, if shes a drug addict then she has already made the choice to use drugs rather than do what she needs to do to care for her children.  You have to protect your children the best way you see fit.  This woman has already hurt your children by rejecting them in favour of s*x and drugs.  Please dont allow her to hurt them again just because some people think that she is entitiled to.

Answer 16

Good for you for telling your children the truth!  I also completely agree with waiting until the kids are 18 for contact.  There is a reason she is not in their lives any longer, I think you are wise to keep it that way.  She doesn't sound like she has the kids best interests at heart nor does she sound capable of creating a healthy relationship with them.

Answer 17

HMM...Two sides to every story...I "wonder"..

Answer 18

deffinatley.!