Should adoptees be tol that their mothers "loved them so much that they gave them away"?

Question

My aparents were told not to say this as it was believed at the time to send the wrong message. There was this fear that adoptees would then equate love with abandonment and think that the only way to treat those they love would be to push them away or leave them.

So I never heard that term before an I find it a little disconcerting to hear that people believe that good mothers show their love by giving their children away.

What do you think?

Is using the phrase "She love you so much that she gave you away" an honest or appropriate answer to a curious adoptee or does it do more harm than good?

Answer 1

I think it is a bad answer.  My reason is that it gives false hope.  Circumstances are different.  By saying "she loved you so much " implies exactly that, love.  Perhaps the birth mother had other reasons.  I would say it is best not to create that false hope because it may make a child think that if they go search for their birth mother she will welcome them with open arms, which is not always the case.  I find it best not to lie for the child and the mother.  If a child goes looking for a birth mother who simply gave them away for other reasons, a meeting could create heartache later on

Answer 2

My aparents never said that to me.  But, I do remember the first time I heard it and thinking to myself that it didn't make much sense.  If they loved me that very much, why didn't they "try harder?"  Why didn't they do what needed to be done in order to keep me?

It took me getting older to get to the point of thinking that it may not have been that simple or it may not have even been in their control.  But, as a young girl I felt pretty resentful that they couldn't have tried harder when I heard this comment.  In my mind, "loved me so much" meant they'd have done whatever it took to be parents to me.

Maybe others had different reactions to it.  I don't know.  I'm just stating what my own thoughts and reactions were when I heard it.  

My aparents, on the other hand, told me the truth as they were told by the agency.  What they were told turned out to be false (as verified by a different social worker years later, and then by my natural father whose story was the same as the second social worker's story)  But, at least they were being honest with me.  They didn't call them "bad" but they just said that they weren't capable of taking care of a child.  That was good enough for a while.  I understood what it meant when somebody wasn't capable.   A few details were added when I got older.

Answer 3

Hi Isabel,

Children's minds work a bit differently than adults'.  They take things far more literally.  When they hear statements like you were given away because you were loved, the types of thoughts that are likely to go through their heads are "Well, my adoptive parents say they love me too, maybe they will give me away too."  They might wonder "How come other children's parents are not giving them away if they are loved?" or they may get the message "Loving people means causing them pain." or "If I love something  or someone, I should give it away."  It teaches an untrue message about love.

The point being if it's not true, don't say it to a child.  It can lead to confusion.  It is far better to say things that are true in age-appropriate ways and not have to revise things later.  I agree that the phrase you asked about should not be used because it can cause more harm, even though it may be well-intended.  Being told that you are loved so much you were sent away does NOT make sense to a child.  In fact, it does not make sense to an adult either.  Honesty is always the best policy.  Thanks for asking.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 4

I am both an adoptee and an adoptive mom- I was given the privilege of meeting both of my children's birth moms. I never have met my birth mom but I can tell it was love that causes all three of these precious women to place us for adoption.  This is my opinion, so please do not give me thumbs down for just my experience.   Both of my kid's birth moms were being "pressured" to abort- they chose to give them life and out of their sacrificial love, they placed their babies in our home.  Instead of sacrificing the children.  Good mothers will , if they can, raise their children, however it is love to be able to carry a child for 9 months and realize that it would be better for the child to be in another home- love is not associated with abandonment FOR ME , or my children. "She loves you much she placed you for adoption" may sound better than "gave you away" however, either way, I would rather here this than, "Your birth mom gave you away because she hated you". Sacrificial loves does the hard thing.

Answer 5

I think it CAN be a good answer but only if the mother KNEW she could not provide a good life for the child and only if its truly meant. My brother is adopted, and we know his birth mother. She sees him at least weekly and she did give him to us because she led a bad life and knew the only way he would EVER be taken care of was to give him to a family that could provide, nurture, and love him. She does love him. That is obvious when you see them together, but she knows that we love him as well and that he has a much better life and more stability than she could ever offer.

Answer 6

I don't know that I'd word it exactly like that, but I'd definitely spin it that direction. I'd let them know that the person who gave them up was not able to provide for them for whatever reasons, and was willing to let them go in the hopes that they would have a better life with someone who wanted them and was in a position to care for them.

Answer 7

I was told this as a child.  Even then, I could see that it was just something that sounded nice.  I disagree with the explanation that was given to your aparents that love will be equated with abandonment by the adoptee.  I simply think there are so many other things that more honestly express bparnets' motivations.

Answer 8

I think it is a poor choice. I know this is what the a-parents of my son said to him, so he was very disconcerted to find out that not only was I bullied by those who should be protecting minors, but that I was prevented deliberately from regaining him with lies (for instance, I did NOT need a lawyer).

Answer 9

Your parents were counceled correctly to not say this.  It can make kids associate love with abandonment.  More realistically, though, it's just platitudes to say something like that.  Adoptees need to know as much about the reality of their own biological familiy's personal situation as possible to come to an understanding of their relinquishment.  Just saying their birth family loved them doesn't cut it.  That's one reason why it is so important for many adoptees to find their birthparents - to ask the all important question, why?

Answer 10

You know, as one who had given a child up for adoption, there are many reasons why people give their children up for adoption.  So, yea, the phrase, she loved you soo much that she gave you up for adoption is valied. What would you want, for your birth mother to have an abortion.  She wasn't thoughtless and wanted to make sure that you had a better life than what your birth mother could of gave you.  So, for you to seem to be upset,  that is really wrong of you, you should be happy, that someone thought of your well being, before you could understand what was going on.

Answer 11

complete strangers have no idea if our mothers loved us or not and have no business making such broad statments about a personal situation they were not involved in.

Answer 12

If it's the truth, then I see no harm in telling it. It is wrong to lie to children about the reasons for them being put into care (but I accept that the truth may need to be made age-apropriate, and expanded as the child grows older and more able to understand reasons for abandoment). If a child is abandoned due to the mother being unable to give her baby a good quality of life, then the child should know this. That their 'tummy mummy' was unable to look after them properly, so they gave them away so they could have a better life with a new mummy and daddy.

Answer 13

I don't think it's a bad answer.  Sometimes it really is the truth.  These mothers could abort their children, but instead, they believe that their child deserves to live, so they give life, but know that they are not responsible enough to raise a baby.  If you ask me, there is nothing wrong with doing this.  It is being mature enough to love a baby enough to give life, but know you wouldn't make the best parent for the child.

I do think that a better answer would be to tell the child that even though his mother loved him, she knew that she wouldn't make a good mother, so she wanted to give him the best possible life by giving him to us (the adoptee family).

Answer 14

Look, I think EVERY parent will tell you they do the best they know how to do with the information they have at the time.  Parents aren't perfect.  They just do what they feel is the most loving thing for their child and that goes for a-parents too.  Do I think it causes pain to tell your child that?  No.  

But yes, ultimately, I think the truth is always better than a sugar-coated lie.  But you have to determine at what age that's appropriate.  I mean, if the child came from an abusive situation where her mother put out lit cigarettes on her....not sure that much truth is necessary to tell say...a 5 year old!

Answer 15

Sounds like an easy answer, but not a good one.  Eventually the child will find out why she was put up for adoption, and it probably won't jive with the story.  This may make them distrust everything that you've told them.

Answer 16

I don't like that explanation either.

We told our daughter from a very young age that she grew in another girl's tummy but when she was born she came to live with us.  We also told her that the other girl was too young to know how to be a mommy because she was just a child herself so that's why she let her live with us.  But we also told her the girl would never forget her and would always love her.

I wanted to avoid the "gave you away" thing or "she didn't want you" (how awful is that??).  I wanted her to grow up knowing without doubting that she was a wonderful person who ANYONE would love to have as daughter.

Answer 17

I was told my mom wanted what was best for me never think she didn;t love you because she did.

I remember answereing (5 years old @ time) But what if she forgot about me?

My amom told me that was impossible. It would be like you giving away Fluffy (cat whom I thought of as my daughter yes I was a very odd child) and forgetting about her.

Nope not gonna happen (i said)

see thats how much your mommy cared about you.

And till this day I thought of mysef one of the luckiest girls on the planet  having 2 mommies and 2 daddies (though I'm not sure of my bdad)

Answer 18

I really don't feel that anyone should make assumptions as to the reason that a mother gives up her child. That phrase may very well be true in some situations but should not be automatically assumed as being correct for every situation. If the reason is unknown I would say it is unknown..

Answer 19

I unsderstand the concept but it really doesn't sound right.  I loved my son.  I also knew I wasn't the best thing for him at that time so I gave him up.  I think the whole phrase puts forth the wrong idea.

Answer 20

Whats better?  To tell the child his own mother didn't want him?  What kind of a head trip might that play in his head when he's older?

Answer 21

I think it is a valid answer, but it needs an addendum.  I'm assuming that when an adoptee asks about their birth parent it's more than a one line conversation.  So you could say something like "your birth mother loved you so much she gave you away so you would have a better life.  I love you so much that I gave you a home and my heart."

Answer 22

You are correct, the truth is always better than a lie.

I have six children, adults now, but adopted from birth.

I never told them that they were "loved...........etc.etc." It is a complete lie, no matter what the circumstances of the woman giving the baby away.  Of course, there are many different reasons for giving the baby up, but I do not believe that one of them was that the woman" loved them so much that they gave them away".   How on earth would that make any sense to an adopted child.   It would completely confuse them.