Should adoptive parents be obliged to tell their adopted kids thatb they are?

Question

not their biological child??? I think it´s really wrong to hide this fact, but it still happens...

Answer 1

yes most Definitely but mabey not till they are 6 or 7 ,but don't wait till they are 18 say u can look for your parents when you are 18

Answer 2

I am an adopted child who doesn't even remember a time when I wasn't fully aware that I was adopted. It was normalized to me from a very very young age. It wasn't about my not being wanted, it was about my birth mother loving me enough to know her limitations as a parent and wanting a better life for me.

I cannot imagine growing up believing I was their biological child and having that moment where this big secret was revealed. It would have been so traumatizing. I cannot believe that some people still believe that they are doing what's best by lying to their child. It makes sick to even think about.

Answer 3

i think that adoptive parents should tell their adopted kids that they are, just for the simple fact that its their right...and what if they get sick?  they'll need to trace back family history from the birth parents :]

Answer 4

I think so.

Answer 5

First off yrs. ago I gave a baby up for adoption. My daughter is now 21. The person who raised her never told her she was adopted and now feels resentment towards her for not telling her. She and I now have a wonderful relationship. I feel the child has the right to know and to make there own choice as to look up their bio. parents or not.

Answer 6

There is no legitimate reason to hide this fact.  A friend of mine was adopted and his parents hid it, only to have his rather sadistic sister tell him and convince him that being adopted was something to be ashamed of.  This turned into a fiery situation that was never resolved, not just with the sister but also with his parents.

If the parent tells the child that he/she is adopted, events like this can be completely avoided.

Answer 7

Yes tell them since they are small. So that when they are older they know and it won;t come as a shock. I know it might be ard, but think about it if they find out you lied to them they might hate you. So tell them since they are like 5.

Answer 8

Yes they should because legally in my opinion the adoptive parents aren't the real parents because they didn't give birth to the child and make the child.  They are just substitutes for the real parents.  I also think that it should be against the law to change the child's last name to that of the adoptive parents because the name the child was given at birth by it's biological parents gives it a sense of connection to it's real parents and gives it a sense of uniqueness.  I think that the child should be told as soon as it turns 14 that it is adopted and that the child shouldn't be prevented from seeking out it's biological parents if it wants to find them at 18.  Remember God will call the child by it's biological name not an adoptive one on the day of Judgment.

Answer 9

It is done now, with everything we know about children, on the DAY they are with you!

"I'm so glad we adopted you!"

"Adopting you was the best thing that happened to us!"

"You have your birthmother's beautiful brown eyes."

"You must have gotten your music ability from your birth family."

It is vital to make age appropriate, positive statements in a casual, not heavy, way.  Don't sit a child down and "tell" them their "story".  This is very hurtful because it is so heavy and serious.

If done from day one, by the time children understand all those loving ways you have spoken about adoption, they will know it must be something good -- because you always smile, and always act loving when you speak of it!  Don't overload them with it, but just mention it causally from day one (good practice!), on occasion.  No, they don't understand the words as an infant, but they DO understand the love behind the words --  at any age!

Answer 10

i was 5 or 6 when my parent's told me i was adopted.i think it was the best time to tell me,as it never came as a "shock".if i had been older,it would of really shook me up.

What on earth would my mother have told me about her "pregnancy" with me if i had asked?. it would have started a string of lies,a hole she could only dig deeper.then it would mean my older relatives having to watch what they say,and someone would trip up  somewhere!.kids love to ask about "when i was born".what would the parents say to that? can you imagine a teenager finding out they are adopted.argh!. the emotions would be all over the place.

Isn't it just easier and kinder to tell he truth and get on with our lives?.

Answer 11

I think they should from the beginning.

Usually the parents don't tell the kids for all the wrong reasons. They think it'll scar the kids and a small part of them is for their own sake where they want their own perfect family.

The fact of the matter is that there is nothing wrong with being adopted. If your kid knows from the beginning, it'll all make sense. He or she will be told that their biological parents weren't able to keep them so their adoptive parents loved them instead. When the kid is told later on, it's a shock. They have to assimilate the information into their mind and their entire view of their parents and their lives changes.

Like I didn't know that my dad was married before he married my mum and I found out throught a cousin. It's not the same but family secrets are horrible.

I just think it's better to be open from the beginning. Promote acceptance.

Answer 12

yes, i think the children should be told.  but probably when they are a bit older, like 5 or 6.  that way they will be able to understand a bit more.  the parent's shouldn't hide this from them at all, they should make the child feel proud of it.

Answer 13

i don't think parents should keep that from their kids if they adopted them. The kids have the right to know and then they could see their real parents if they wanted to. If you don't tell them then you are lying to them.

Answer 14

Yes foster parents should be obligated to tell their foster child if they are adopted. That is vital info to people unless the child really doesn't care to know about their biological folks. When the child is a certain age (like being able to understand what that type of situation means) that's when the foster parents should tell them what's up. That way the child can find its parents if they want.

Good question. A lot of people need to know this.

Answer 15

You should be open with this in the begining... hiding it will only hurt the child later especially if they figure this out on their own.  When I was in high school I had a friend who stumbled upon some paperwork when she was 16 and figured out she was adopted.  Lets put it this way she was no way happy with her mother.  She actually got in contact with her father and they became great friends.

Answer 16

As an adoptive parent I agree that it's important for a child to know they were adopted, and not think that adoption is something that should be hidden.

Answer 17

I think they should be told, but its up to the parents when that day comes. some are open from the very beginning, and i think thats definetley the best, rather than waiting until a certain age.

Answer 18

Why does it matter ???  If the child was loved and given all the safety & security as if they were the natural born child why would you do that??  to me I think that it depends on the child ... I was told later on that my dad wasn't my dad and I had a lot of mixed feelings and it really made me insecure and I thought negatively about both my parents ... I would of rather of not known ... because whether or not they gave birth to you they are your parents and that's all that should matter.

Answer 19

It really amazes me in this time and age that people still lie about adoption. I just read over on another forum a man who is 45 and just found out he was adopted due his mother passing away and going though things in her house. Hes extremely confused and distraught,  and since both his parents are deceased really has no one to vent his anger.

Yes adopted parents should tell their adopted children that they are adopted as young as possible would be best. My parents told me at a young age probably 2 so I always knew I was adopted, and its probably a big reason i  never have had any issues about being adopted. Not to tell someone their adopted makes it seem like being adopted is a shamefully thing when its not, nor should anyone be embarrassed that they adopted.

I also don’t think parents should lie if they have to use donor sperm/egg, surrogate, IVF or some other way you go about having kids besides the natural way.

Answer 20

I agree with you--it's wrong to hide the fact that the child is adopted.

Some parents do it because they are insecure and afraid the child will "forget" about them if they ever found their birth parent(s).

The child has a right to know.  I myself was adopted and always knew I was ( can't remember a time when I didn't know).  I never once felt inadequate about it until I was pregnant with my first child and while at the doctor's was asked many questions about my family's health history.  I could answer for my adoptive family but not through genetics.  I did search out my birth mother because of this...I felt that my kids had the right to know what health issues might face them later in life.

Aside from all that...hiding something like this parallels lying in my opinion.  If you want a trusting, loving relationship with your child then information like this shouldn't be hidden from them.

Answer 21

This is so true.  This happens probably more than we think.  

How do I know?  I was adopted and my adoptive family had no intentions of informing me that I was adopted.  I went snooping one day and I found my adoption certificate.  Then they had no choice but to tell me.  I remember as it was yesterday.  I was 8 years old, and I confronted them about it and they had to tell me.  

If they hid the fact from me, I would never know who my family really was, or any sort of medical information (which is the most important).  If there is something seriously wrong medically, then you had better tell that person that they are adopted and you better get checked.

Also, that person when they get older can look for their adoptive family if they choose to or not.  

I have since found my family, and I have a great relationship with my uncle, but not so great with my birth mother.  But this is what I choose to, (plus her lying to me is not a great building relationship with me).  

Every child should be told, and if they accept it good, and if they don't then they can just go on with life as nothing else matters.

Answer 22

Technically, I opt for not telling them. REASON: Because the biological parent(s) relinquished all parental rights so why give them any 'credit' per se'..I think that once the word 'adopted' is uttered there's no turning back the thoughts that more than likely linger "why was I not wanted" syndrome & that alone could have negative behavior & feeling a lack of self worth. Maybe it's 'safe' once they're over 40+ gives little room for any insecurities at that time of their lives. It's a shame for any child to be subjected to a new level of consciousness when their minds are not yet developed  to actually handlle the slightest bit of mental torment. Kids just need to be 'Kids', play, have fun. If the issue already lacks clarity on an adult understanding just think how the kids would feel if an adult feels reluctant to handle it the subject.

Answer 23

As an adoptive parent, we felt it was important to celebrate our son's adoption and not to ever "hide" it from him.  We try to instill an understanding in people that "adoption" is normal and that it should be celebrated just as childbirth is.  That being said, it is a personal choice amongst families as to whether or not they reveal this information.  Each adoption is unique and has unique circumstances surrounding it.  Just as there are some mothers who choose not to tell their children who their "real" father is, some adoptive parents will choose not to reveal adoption to their child.  It is a personal choice.

Answer 24

I agree with you.  It's better to grow up with the fact, rather than finding out years later because that's really traumatic.  Plus as someone else mentioned, it's important to have a true medical history.