Should adoptive parents ever share their joy of adopting their child- with their child?

Question

(This relates to the "Gotcha Day" question earlier.)

If not, why? Should everyone just sit around in black and mourn the child's losses? How healthy is that? I mean chances are that the so-called "Gotcha Day" is NOT the actual day that the child separated from their natural parents... you know?!

If so, what do you think would be appropriate?

Answer 1

I'll answer your question with a question:

If adoption is so "normalized"... then why do we need to celebrate it?

The Gotcha Day was created so the adoptive parents could celebrate the day when the child was put into their arms - not to celebrate when the biological family was separated.

Let me present a scenario to you: Two toddlers are adopted from Korea. One of them may grow up to mourn the loss of their biological family. The other one may not give two figs towards their Korean heritage and embrace being all-American. Both may end up caring about what they lost. Or perhaps neither will care at all.

So what would you do?

Option A: Take the risk and read blogs that talk about loss, JUST in case your adopted child does end up having "issues" and wants you to say that it is okay to mourn the loss of the bio parents?

Or Option B: "assume" that neither child will ever voice any confusion or problems as she grows up, and never bring it up unless they talk about it first?

Which approach would seem better to you, to prepare yourself?

After all, adopted infants/toddlers/children do eventually grow up and have their own opinions. Would you be more willing to take the risk that they'll never have troubling thoughts about their own adoptions?

PS. Alyssa's Mommy: I didn't thumbs you down. I rarely ever thumbs people down unless they say something that simply isn't true, like "Their dead no good birthparents didnt even want them"... that sort of junk.

ETA 1: [Should everyone just sit around in black and mourn the child's losses?]

Wasn't that a deliberate trigger to point out that it would do no good to just sit back and mourn all day?

That's why I wrote about the loss - because you mentioned it.

Edit the Second: Well... yes, obviously a parent should enjoy the blessing of bringing the adopted child home. It's just that the parent should never forget what it cost the bparent to give up their child, that's all. I'm not trying to imply that an adoptive family should never be happy - just be aware that the adoption is a blessing because someone else's tragedy made it so.

Answer 2

I agree Kristy, how healthy is THAT?

No, we didn't celebrate "Gotcha" day but I'm always surprised at how people can turn a happy event into something to mourn.  

When you get married, do you mourn the loss of the single life or do you you celebrate a new life together?

When your kids are born (or adopted) do you mourn the loss of your "carefree" days or do you celebrate their birth?

When kids start school for the first time do you mourn the loss of the first 5 years or celebrate a new beginning.

When kids grow into a teen, do you mourn the loss of the first 12 years and their childhood or do you celebrate that they are a teenager starting a new era.

When your kids graduate from high school, do you mourn or do you celebrate a new beginning.

When your kids get married, do you mourn the loss of a child or do you celebrate a new addition to your family.

Life is full of losses but it's ful of gains, too.

Where is the fun in life?

Is it in mourning or dwelling on the past?

Is it celebrating the big and little things that happen every day?

Is it looking forward to the future?

Wake up and smell the roses. Life is passing by and it's better to enjoy it rather than just letting it happen to you.  Lots of people overcome some pretty awful stuff because they want to and because they have to in order to survive.

Time is a-wasting.  The rest of your life starts right now.  How will you spend it?  Mourning the losses?  or Celebrating LIFE?

A lot of people on this board will be spending the rest of their lives trying to overcome their beginning.

I'll never understand people who can't see the good stuff happening around them every day but instead choose to focus on the losses.

If you are raising kids, my advice is to make it fun and make lots of fun memories.  Yes, there are going to be sad times and losses, but if you don't balance that with happiness and good times, what is THAT doing to your kids?

What do you want YOUR kids to remember about their childhood?

Answer 3

There is nothing wrong with sharing one's joy of PARENTING with one's child. I think it should be done every day!  

Answer 4

the term "gotcha day" just doesn't sound right. I mean you kinda of demote a child from a human being to a thing.

I understand the wanting to celebrate the day u became a family. in fact my family celebrated a family day were i got presents and got to do whatever i wanted. so in affect we celebrated the day i was adopted, but my parents never insulted me by saying it was "gotcha day".

I hope u understand were i'm coming from,it's that i'm not aganist celebrating it, but please don't insult your child by calling it "gotcha day".

Answer 5

I'm sorry...but the term "Gotcha Day" makes my skin crawl.  I am all for a celebration...but the name just sounds like you snatched a child under your arm and ran off with him.  To me, that is just an unsettling picture.

Answer 6

Kristy,

Yes we should, by celebrating them on their birthdays, Christmas, and every single day of the year. This, in my mind, is akin to a married couple divorcing and the mom getting custody of the children. Would we all suggest that she celebrate her custody battle and ultimate win with a big party every year to share the joy of the divorce and the full custody of the children? No, that would be extremely cruel to the children and the father...and I think it may also cause some resentment towards the custodial/adoptive parent in the future.   The point is: celebrating the day they were permenently cut from their biological family is a bit harsh. I understand it is the day it became official for you, but it is also the day their loss became official for them and for their parents. I simply wouldn't want to celebrate that every year. Frankly, the 'gotcha day' title is so offensive, I couldn't imagine celebrating anything with that name, but the sentiment behind it is a bit much as well. I think you should celebrate normal holidays.

Answer 7

Not all adoptions are sad for the child and not all adoptive children grow up to resent how their life is. The more vocal people just tend to speak out. (Go ahead vocals, thumbs down me!)

My best friend is adopted. All of her siblings are adopted. They are all adults now and have to be one of the happiest and closest families I have ever seen. While my best friend has spoken about her first mother, she is very happy with her adoptive parents and is glad they love her.

I see nothing wrong with adoptive parents sharing their joy with their children.

Answer 8

This is hard for me.  My child is starting his grieving process and it kills me to see how much pain and anger he has.  I could never celebrate that - but we do celebrate everyday - we are alive - we have a house to live in and food on our tables.

Answer 9

We celebrate "gotcha" day on the day of finalization... WITH his other mom.

It's a day to celebrate having the agency and social workers out of our lives at last, and to celebrate that we are a family together.

It's not the day that their family was torn apart.. it's the day that our family became real.

Answer 10

Well if it is a baby it will remember that there was a celebration. If it is a child I would say yes because most children are happy that they have been adopted by a family. I am adopted and I was very young. But when I was around 4 I asked if my mom carried me in her stomach and she told me the truth. The truth should never be hidden. Everyone that is adopted should be told that. When a baby is born and is staying with the parents it is celebrated so why shouldn't an adoption be the same.

Answer 11

Everyone here has some really good answers.

I don't know what else I can add except to say, how about letting your child take the lead?  

If he/she wants to celebrate, seems to like the occasion, understands WHY you are celebrating and is ok with it, then by all means, go for it.

But if your child seems in any way uncomfortable, then don't do it.

Answer 12

Ask yourself--why can't my child's BIRTHDAY be enough for me?

I mean really!

No, you don't have to be doom and gloom all the time, but it's only good for you, it might be good AND sad to him.

I'm at a loss as to why this is so hard for a grown woman to understand.

Answer 13

Oh, absolutely-- though like I said in the other question, I don't like the word "Gotcha," and whether or not I would specifically celebrate finalization depends on the circumstances. I'm just going to speak in general here...

I don't think a child should ever be made to feel that their arrival in the family was a source of pain or guilt. The adoptive family should be unequivocal about loving, wanting, and rejoicing in the child.

That doesn't preclude allowing the child to freely express any feelings of grief or loss the child may feel. Free expression of emotions should be encouraged.

I think it's deeply damaging to any child not to feel that they make their parents happy. No child should be made to feel unwanted, or burdened with the parents' negative feelings about the adoption. I think any parents, adoptive or biological, should make it absolutely clear that their children are a joy and blessing.

Basically, I think parents should show an equal amount of joy about having an adopted child in their life as having a biological child.

ETA: Out of curiosity, people who are giving thumbs down understand that "preclude" isn't the same as "include," right? That it's sort of the opposite? If you honestly disagree with me, that's fine, I'm just afraid my choice of words made things unclear. :-)

Answer 14

Gotcha isn't about the a-child.

Its about the Aps actions.

Why twist it into something it really isn't about....the adoptee's choice.

I know I'll get thumbs down for this but that Gotcha c**p is so "trashy". What humane Ap would even want to use the word Gotcha in reference to Adoption. It sounds like kidnapping..hmmm.

Celebrate the "given" birth date the agency gave you.  

Its sad how many IA children will never know their real birth date.

What I find odd is so many Aps on here that complain about encouraging an IA child to retain their native language (so they can eventually communicate with their nmoms) because it "stigmatizes" them but then turn around "truly stigmatize" them with this insensitive Gotcha c**p.  People pull your heads out of your butts and please stop thinking of yourselves.

ETA: Thats it Kristy continue to ignore what the adoptee's are trying to get in that head of yours.

Answer 15

We will be celebrating his birthday, and hopefully, with his 1st parents also, as long as they are sober, and celebrating his life, not his losses.  All of our jobs is to make his life better.  

As with my son I gave birth to, I tell both my children how lucky I am to be blessed with their lives intertwined with mine, as well as I tell every child in my life, from my adopted son's older brothers and sisters, his 1st parents (even when I don't agree with them or their decisions), my step-children, my friend's kids, my nephew, and kids I babysit.

We will not be celebrating "Gotcha Day", as that's not about his life, but a parent's wish.  I will still be celebrating mother's and father's day in years to come, and hopefully, again, with his 1st parents too, because all 4 of us are his parents, just maybe not the legal or traditional ways.  

It's kind of like the anniversary of me losing my 1st husband when he died.  It's not something you celebrate, but you remember the good times associated with what brought you to that day.  In my own mind, without expressing it unless he does, I'll celebrate the day the adoption became final in my heart, and in my mind, but in case he doesn't feel the same about it, I won't mention it.  

Answer 16

I don't like the term "Gotcha Day."

But if the adoptees want to mark and remember the day they joined their adoptive family, I don't have a problem with it.  

In the other question related to this topic, I mentioned that my children are very insistent that the day be marked on the calendar and look forward to it.  As an adoptive parent, what am I supposed to say?  "No, we can't do this because you had losses and we shouldn't celebrate your losses."  

Like many other issues in adoption, this is one that really just depends on the individuals involved and the circumstances.

I do think, however, that as adoptive parents, we need to remind our children every day how much we love them.

Answer 17

There's a lot of good answers here so I fear I will be repetitive, but I absolutely agree that adoptive parents have every right to celebrate the fact that they are now parenting, this is only human, and frankly I'd look on anyone with great suspician if they were unhappy about their parenthood.

As for "Gotcha Day", I must admit the name itself gives me pause though I believe the thought behind it is genuine: celebration of becoming a family. Gotcha Day is primarily used in IA where they do not have any family and have essentially been on their own in an orphanage. The "Gotcha" was meant to be an endearing term: "I gotcha, you are never to be alone again." So I understand the theory behind it, but I just don't like the title.

We refer to the day we became a family as "Family Day" and yes, we do celebrate it. Baby girl gets to choose what she wants to do that day. This year it was the zoo; last year it was a puppert show. And at the end of the day we light a candle for her first family. Right now, this is something she likes to do, however, as she gets older and perhaps begins to process her losses differently or deeper then we would let her take the lead as to what she does and does not want to do. There may come a time when she does not want to do anything at all, and that would be fine.

We are in the process of adopting our 2nd child from foster care and the same would apply to him.

I also agree that we should experience the joy of parenthood and love up our kids every day of the year!!!!

Answer 18

Well, we did neither in my home.  I'm glad for that.  We didn't make a big thing over the fact that I was adopted, but we were open about it.  We also didn't "sit around and mourn," although the loss was acknowledged.

It's not an either/or or a "one extreme or the other" sort of deal. At least it wasn't in my home.  Honestly, we didn't talk a lot about adoption except in a matter of fact kind of way, unless I wanted to talk more about it.  Fortunately, I was always free to do so, and sometimes I did.  

Answer 19

Great question!

We do neither. Adoption is a fact of life at my house and we consider it a pretty happy one. That doesn't mean that any emotion is jammed down anyone's throat or that we dwell on it but it's a good thing.

But I definitely don't share adoption joy with my son, primarily because I want to be very careful about creating feelings of indebtedness or the need to be the perfect gift we got on the big day.

He's our kid. He happens to be adopted.

We celebrate his birthday, holidays and all of his accomplishments, but not adoption.

We also celebrate the big Korean holidays and he knows that's all about him, since we wouldn't be celebrating them otherwise.