Should adoptive parents get to decide who can and can not adopt?

Question

Today and adoptive parent said this to someone who is looking to adopt a child:

"Apparently, people like you are the kind of people who are afraid to go against the popular vote and to get thumbs down. You seek acceptance... which is in my opinion a characteristic of a weak individual who, in my opinion, should not be adopting a child."

Obviously the two people have different opinions on adoption.

But should having a difference give one person the right to make such a serious judgment on another human being?

Answer 1

All I have to say is that it's a good thing I know the difference between "seeking approval" and trying to learn.  If I came on here with the intention of seeking approval, I would have run away screaming by now.  Hmmm...I'm still here.  Odd.

Oh, and the thumbs down thing...anyone want to go count and see how many I've gotten in the last week?  The only time I've ever been bothered by TD's was when I thought it was a sexist thing against men, and I was wrong.

I don't just want to be a mom.  I want to be a GOOD mom.  Big difference.

Sorry, I still haven't answered your question (so much for "the only thing I have to say is"...lol).  No, adoptive parents shouldn't decide who adopts.  Unfortunately, adoptive parents are usually the people who work at the adoption agencies, aren't they?  I think ADOPTEES should get to decide who adopts!  What a different world we would live in then, eh?

ETA:  Laurie, h**l YES, adoptees should have that choice!!!  I had the option to disown my parents, why the h**l shouldn't adoptees? (That's so funny...I didn't know they didn't censor the word "h**l"...LMAO.)

ETA:  K, I was thinking about this on my long drive to work.  After reading your response to this q, I am quite disturbed.  I am NOT being sarcastic here.  It is not possible to know what someone is thinking, unless you are that person.  The fact that you think you know what another person is thinking could be a sign of a serious mental illness, like Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It would be beneficial to you to get a psychological evaluation.

I have worked in the mental health field long enough that I should have recognized that something was wrong here, other than a simple difference of opinion, and I sincerely apologize for not catching this sooner.  I do plan to leave you blocked because I don't see how it could benefit you to allow myself to be a target of your illness, but I will not be making any more personally attacking comments toward you.

I wish you well.

Answer 2

I think that collecting the input from other adoptive parents is valuable for PAP's however, I think that there is a wide range of attitudes about parenting in general and that we would see differences in attitudes no matter what Parenting Attitude or topic we put out here to discuss.

There isn't just one opinion about anything...  and with any group there are a diverse number of different opinions...  I personally admire those willing to investigate and consider the different attitudes of the group they plan to join....

I don't feel it is my right to make judgements about other parents.... While I might sit back and scratch my head when I read, hear or see differences....  I have my own feelings and should be able to express them--but, I don't believe that just because someone has a different attitude they are wrong...just wrong to what I believe.

Now--when I see something I think will HARM a child--I speak out--or when I see a situation that cannot be changed because it is in the past and nothing can be done to repair it I speak out in hope that anyone stuck with an attitude caused by something that can't be undone will try to move forward.

I also have to confess that the attitude we have Before we actually have children--and are living with the reality of day to day life is less valuable to me. As my feelings and attitudes before I was an adoptive mother are much different now that I am.... But, that was true for me before I was ever a mother in any way--I had Ideas about what I believed was right or wrong and learned very quickly that what I thought before my feet were in those shoes was dramatically different then what I thought after walking in them for a time.

I know that the advice and ideas I had 6 years ago have changed a great amount now that I am parenting adopted children and I see that with two siblings their feelings, needs and attitudes about their own adoptions are 100% different from each other's.... so as I go on in my life as a mom my position is to treat each of my children the way they need to have me treat them..... But, this isn't even really only about my adopted children...as my bios are both different people too so they need different things from me as well....

I think that life is a growing experience that each of us are permitted to re-evaluate our feelings and attitudes as we move on in our lives....

I know that when I started out my attitude was that people wanting to adopt should look first at the children in foster care...now that I have parented siblings from foster care I now find myself more concerned that PAP's really be ready for the true reality and I spot feelings in some that concern me--possibly those same feelings I had then found out were mistaken attitudes.... Today, I am far more concerned with helping PAP's consider more then just their desire to parent and willingness to help children from foster care as I have learned parenting Hurt children is much more difficult then I believed it would be having raised two healthy unhurt children made me believe it would be....

I often watch PAP's who are waiting for a match from Foster care and SEE things that tell me why that wait may be soooooo long..... since, I have come to understand that the people making the decisions can see the same problems with an attitude or situation that I can see.... But, this is a place I don't always feel I should jump in and point out... I have watched many many families finally give up on the wait and not know why thier case was left or took so long... I wish the system would be more blunt with some PAP's and let them know why they are not being matched.... but, I am not sure my pointing this out would help them.... best I can really do is be supportive and hope that the child placed is placed in a safe loving family.....

Answer 3

There are a lot of "weak individuals" who have adopted children.  There are also a lot of "weak individuals" who have given birth to children, and are still parenting them.  This is not necessarily a criteria on which to judge a fit parent.

No parent is perfect.  Some of us are energetic, and some are lazy.  Some are permissive, and some are strict.   Some are consistent, some not.  The only child ever born who was raised by someone perfect was Jesus!

If children had a right to be raised by "perfect" parents, no one would ever give birth, let alone adopt!   So, who should be adopting and/or having children?  People who love kids, who can care for them and protect them and provide for them.

Answer 4

oh h**l, i misunderstood!

i think the person in question is just threatened by the person with all the reasonable questions.

Answer 5

And AP or PAPS aren't judged here?

Now we are splitting hairs as to who is the better PAP?

Oh yeah, it's only the ones who agree with a certain narrow agenda, right?

Answer 6

i'm not really sure what your asking because my daughter is adopted but before i adopted her she was my foster child i've had her since birth and even though i've had her since birth i only adopted her a few months ago. she's only 2.5 but it was a long process to adopt her. it's the states choice who can and can not adopt a child you have to qualify first. some people are negative about things they really shouldn't be negative about wanting to give a child a home and wanting to love a child is never wrong. i wouldn't take what this person said to heart because they are just negative

Answer 7

no

Answer 8

The so-called 'weak' person is actually strong and brave to go against the tide.  I wish we could clone her.

The person lashing out is finding out, slowly but surely, that her act of heroism might have a downside.  That is very scary indeed.  IMO, she is the one who should not have been allowed to adopt.  I'm guessing she did little or NO research into adoption, other than how to procure a child, and write some checks.

If I had to give one of my own kids up, it'd be to the laid-back hippie lady who is a born nurturer, and not fearful of new ideas.

ETA: To the poster (Alicia  and Adoption is A-OK) who uses a heavy woman as her avatar:  that is not your picture, and I would never make fun of someone for their weight, as you do.  I find your 'jokes' offensive and cruel.

Answer 9

quite honestly, half the people on here shouldn't be parents.  and i chinge to see how many will deal with their children when they (the children) become real, and not the cute "gerber baby" of their fantasies.  

rarely do i read about how many will benefit the children they want so badly to adopt, yet often hear about people's infertility, entitlement, how much money they spent and "need" for a child.

regarding the quotes: this person and his/her statement did not really warrant 5 points.

Answer 10

What the h**l?

Actually. I think that Gaia gets it more than the average person. WAY more. Infact, I think she's stepping "outside the box" far more than any pap I've ever met. She QUESTIONS everything which is why she's come to the conclusions she has.

I say ROCK ON with your bad self Gaia.

To answer your question Issy - no it doesn't give her the right and I've noticed some online "tension" between the two. I do agree that was serious judgement.

Answer 11

why not?  I've seen people on her question one's mental stability for wanting a child / family so how is this different?

Like it or not, everyone is judging someone at all times.  Sunny dismisses my opinion because of my weight (i'm okay with it and deal with it but she can't?); others dismiss my opinion because I don't agree with them -- fact is, I'm being judged; but their opinions don't matter because they're not making the choices in my life.

and think about it -- a person must be a strong willed individual to be a parent.  Kids have great negotiating skills :)

sunny (aka know-it-all) My name is not Alicia, it is carnie.  and unless we've met face to face, who are you to tell me who I am?  I do think adoption is ok and just because i'm fine with it, doesn't mean my opinion should be dismissed as you like to whine about.

Answer 12

No, but everyone on this board feels they have the right to judge everyone else.

I'm an adoption social worker, and I have had to decide who I approve to adopt a child.  It is a serious job, the people are more than welcome to find another social worker who will approve them, but it won't be my name.

Reasons why I've either flat out denied or led the people to the decision that adoption was not for them:

1. People who ask how much money they will get (I do foster care adoptions so people get money every month until they are 18)

2. People with unrealistic expectations (little orphan Annie is going to move in and be an angel because she will be so happy to have a home at last).

3. Savior Complex...I'm going to save this child.

4. Infertile couples who have not yet dealt with their loss and don't seem ready to move on to adoption.

As a rule, no one has a right to judge anyone on this board who is honestly sharing feelings and thoughts and looking to learn and share....regardless of their adoption horror story, or their Polly Anna perfect adopted life...but most people do it.

Answer 13

No, of course not.  This is especially true on a forum like this where people only know bits and pieces about others with no real life context.

It's one thing if a person were to state something like, "I want to adopt but I will never tell the children they are adopted and I'll pretend to agree to an open adoption simply to get a child faster."  That is a person who's PLAN on how to handle adoption if very unethical.  Someone with an unethical plan shouldn't adopt, as it's not fair to the child, among other issues.

However, the situation of which you are speaking contains nothing like this.  This is NOT a case where it makes any sense to make such a judgment.  Besides, the person being judged is actually someone who is open to hearing -- a LOT.  Adopted people really do appreciate someone who's willing to hear us form all sides.  Around here, that's a sign of strength -- the willingness to hear.

ETA: Gaia, you made me of something my husband said over the weekend.  He's not adopted/an AP/a first parent.  He's just an all around good guy, though.  He asked me if adopted children, at some point, get to have any say in whether they wish to continue their adoption.  Considering that AP's can nullify an adoption, he couldn't understand why the child can't choose to do the same by going to court.  He was dead-pan serious, too, when he asked.  He had no idea, when he asked, that adoption "disruption" was an option for aparents.  When I told him about it, it only furthered his feeling that the child should have a say.

Answer 14

In this specific case that has more to do with the back and forth bickering here than someone actually making the decision on who should or should not adopt. Judgments fly back and forth all the time. I have quite a few different opinions than some of the PAPs/APs I know. While I do feel a need to "educate" - I don't make

IRL, as a PAP, I DO think there are people who should not adopt. I have quite a few different opinions than some of the PAPs/APs I know. While I do feel a need to "educate" - and I probably am getting more vocal as I go on - I don't make that judgment call unless it's extreme. I mentioned in another answer that I reported a couple to their agency - they were being dishonest, the husband was only "going through with it" to satisfy the wife, they had failed their first homestudy so they moved, learned what to say and passed their second homestudy. I could not stand back and do nothing, so I contacted their agency. Their approval was subsequently rescinded based upon fraud.

I'm not normally someone who would "meddle" - but when it comes to situations like this - the thought of that child growing up with a father who never wanted them on top of their adoption - I just couldn't sit back.  Same reason I have called CPS regarding a woman who leaves her kids outside, with no supervision, while she goes to work. We, the adults, have a responsibility to step in and try to help ALL kids if we're placed in that position.

Answer 15

I think birthparents should decide who adopts their baby.

Answer 16

Isabel,

Thanks for the question.  i find Gaia to be an amazing person and she is going to be a wonderful mother.  i'm not liking the personal attacks but if i had to pick a side Gaia hands down.  AWESOME, COMPASSIONATE, AND LOVING thats how i describe GAIA.

DD-b-day can't stay for the drama.  But know i support you with all my heart Gaia.