Should foster children call their foster parents Mom or Dad?

Question

My son and daughter in law are going to foster-adopt, and they're wondering if a child should call them mom or dad while they're not sure if they'll adopt them or not.

Answer 1

yes, because they will be the only parents figures.

Answer 2

They're not the mom and dad.  So why would they call them that?

Are they going to call you 'grandma'?

Truth is very important.

Answer 3

they should let the children make that decision for themselves have them tell the children that they can call them by there first name Mr. or Mrs last name or they can call the mom or dad what ever they want. foster kids usual come from bad situations and it's great to let them no they have a friend/parent that will always be there for them even when there birth parents are not well enough to be there, a friend that they can trust and that will protect them ! God Bless ! and good luck to you and your son and daughter in law there doing a really wonderful thing that should be reconized !

Answer 4

Interesting question!

I think that if the child is old enough, he should decide what he wants to call the foster parents.

My son was in foster care from the age 6 days to 2-1/2 years. His foster parents planned to adopt him but because of some medical problems in their own family, they ended up stopping the adoption process and just fostered him until new adoptive parents were found. Those parents were my (now ex-) husband and me. I am not sure what my son called his foster parents (possibly nothing -- he had very little expressive language when we first met him), but as soon as we began visiting him, his foster parents started calling us 'mommy' and 'daddy.' It made the transition from their home to ours easier on our son and we are forever grateful to them for their kindness. I can't imagine how traumatic it was for them to let go of this beautiful little boy that they had loved and raised to the age of two, but they put their pain aside and did what they thought would be best for him. Amazing.

Answer 5

they might not feel comfortable calling them "mom" or "dad" right away... i think it depends if theyre comfortable enough..

Answer 6

I think it would be healthy for the children to use "mom" and "dad". If they're old enough to remember their parents (assuming they knew them) I suppose it depends on what the child feels comfortable (it should not be forced).

Answer 7

It should really be up to the child.  If and when they feel comfortable to do so than they will.  Most of these kids have had a lifetime of dissapointment and let down so it should be understandable if they're not immediately eager to say those things.

Answer 8

they should leave it up to the kid..every one is different..my adopted parents had foster kids in and out of the house the entire time i was growing up and some called them mom and dad and some didnt..it was a personal thing on the kids part

Answer 9

its whatever makes the child feel comfortable. i was adopted by my aunt and uncle and they raised me from age 7 and im 21 now , i called them mom and dad cuz i felt in my heart that they deserved it.

Answer 10

No, I don't think so.  After an adoption is finalized, the decision could be made then.  In the meantime, I think it would be unfair to ask or expect a child to call possibly temporary caretakers mom or dad.  The kids may have already lived with several other temp families and (no matter what your son and DIL's intentions are) know that they will only be there for a short while.  It could make the situation more uncomfortable for the child/children.  If the closeness develops, and an adoption follows, then the transition could be made with ease to Mom and Dad.  

I had a 7 year old little girl live with my family for a year.  We knew it was only temporary from the beginning, so my situation was different from the one you're describing.  She called me and my husband by our first names with Ms. and Mr. to begin with but I told her she didn't have to use the titles and she was happy.  She told other people I was her mom though.  She claimed my 2 little girls as sisters sometimes, and cousins other times.  I never asked her to refer to any of us as anything because I wanted her to do what she felt comfortable with.  She was starting in a new school and didn't really want people to know her family's past or why she was living with other people, so it was easier to say I was her mom than explain when people asked.  She even called me Mom on occasion, but I never said anything about it.  

I would never have felt comfortable asking her to call me mom unless I were to go through the process to make her my daughter legally.  Like I said, it was different because it was understood that she wouldn't be with us forever, but I think in your family's position, it could possibly give the child false hope to suggest it to them.  If they ask if they can, I would let them, because like this little girl, she was mature enough to know the other kids in school would want to know too much information.  It's really something that has to come from the child though.  

Good luck with the fostering and adoption!

Answer 11

My parents used to be foster parents and they didn't insist the kids call them Mom and Dad.  What they did say was they were the Mom and Dad "of this home" and as such  let them know they could if they wanted to call them Mom and Dad.    Usually it ended up being Mama Elsie and Daddy Ron.   That worked for them.

Answer 12

I personally think it's up to the child. If they don't feel they can connect that way with their foster parents (probably because they've had so many) then I wouldn't force them. However, if they'd like to, I wouldn't discourage it. If the child feels comfortable, that's wonderful. If not, it's no harm. I would let the child know in the start, that they can call them "mom and dad" or by their real names, just whatever they feel most comfortable with. It may change too, the longer they are with them, or the closer they get. It all depends...

Answer 13

I think it all depends on the situation and relationship between the kids and parents. It might be nice if the foster kids are the only kids that they have, but if they have biological kids, i do not think it would be a good idea, as it would most likely result in the biological kids resenting the foster kids.

Answer 14

completely up to the child living with them. If they do not feel comfortable to do that, they shouldnt expect it to happen! Let the child get close to them first, and as soon as they feel good where they are they might call them mom and dad

Answer 15

While we were fostering, we gave the child options, older Children called us by our first names, and younger chldren called us "mama Jenn and papa josh"  Not mommy and daddy.  We gave this option as some chlildren wanted that feeling and some wanted the feeling they were at like a camp and wanted to call us by our names.  

Whatever works for the child worked for us.

Answer 16

If they want to, sure.  I was in a foster home for a while as a kid, when mom got sick, and I called my foster mother mama.  She didn't tell me to I wanted to, it made it feel more like home, like I belonged, you know?

If it's their choice of course it's ok.  Just don't force them to do it.

Answer 17

I was a foster 'mom' when I was divorced. My foster kids always called me 'mom.'  Your son and daughter-in-law shouldn't consider foster-adopt if they aren't sure about adopting the children. It's too devastating to the child. They should really do some volunteer work first to know what to expect. Being a foster parent is hard work and you are dealing with the psychological future of fragile children.

Answer 18

no if the kids are going to be there only for a short while. yes if they are certain they will adopt. but who knows? even if they are not called mom and dad, if they get attached, they may decide to adopt.. so yeah. for now, i think calling them by their names is a better idea.

Answer 19

I think that the best course of action is to have the kids call them something that incorporates mom and dad as well as first names.  We have had a number of foster kids in the past and most, if comfortable, called me "Mama Heather" and my husband "Dadda Billy" or "Billy dad" It may seem awkward at first but if adopted they can easily drop the name part and if not when they want to speak about you with bio parents, new foster parents etc. the kids have a name for them and don't end up calling them "my other mom" or "the mom i used to have" or something like that.

Answer 20

They can but they probably won't consider them mom and dad cuz they usually don't end up staying a long time.  I think its wrong unless the person is supporting them for life.

Answer 21

if they were adopted when they were little yea but if they got adopted when they were like 12 and up then prob. not

Answer 22

leave it up to the children, if they want to sure if not then thats ok to.

Answer 23

Why not relax and see if the child decided to on it's own.

Answer 24

My husband was adopted at age 5 and went through several foster homes. He explained to me that after a while, he learned not to get too attached and not to call these people his mother and father. It is always up to the couple of whether or not they want to be called mom and dad-if the child is comfortable with it, great. If not, that's fine too. If they are not even sure that they will adopt i wouldn't suggest having a child call them that until the process is final and the child is legally theirs.

Answer 25

Lots of good options here. For normal foster situations, the majority of the children's goals are to return to their biological families. In those cases the foster families need to support that goal whole heartedly with the child's best interest always in mind. Foster-adopt situations mean that there is more of a chance that the parental rights are (or have been) terminated. As several people have said, whatever the child is comfortable with is best. Offering options is great. One thing is to make sure none of the options is what they call their biological parents.