Should foster parents be called Mum and Dad?

Question

We have begun to foster a gorgeous 8 year old boy and we already have 4 natural children. Although we encouraged him to call my husband and I by our first names, he seems intent on calling us Mum and Dad.

Apparently he has only occasional (biannual) contact with his natural Father and then only on the telephone. The state have decided the Father will not regain his parenting rights at any stage so it looks like we are his family for life.

I think its okay, but is it best for him?

Answer 1

If you take care of him, give him love and comfort, Your HIS MOM AND DAD..I dont care what anyone says. So yes, I think he should.

Answer 2

it kind of sounds like he became comfortable with you very quickly-- I think that it's healthy for him to call you that because it shows that he's still able to attach to you despite what he's been through.  I hope that things work out and he is able to stay with you-- almost nothing is worse than a kid getting bounced around the social services system.

Answer 3

I have a friend whose mom is a foster parent and for younger children it's more natural. They sometimes call there biological parents mom and dad I(usually) but thye also call my friend's parents mom and dad. they don't understand why they cant have two parents.

If youi do adopt him be sure to tell him as much as you know about his family. I am adopted so I know this stuff.

Anyway hope all is well.

Shakira

Answer 4

Yes. Allowing kids to call you mom and dad makes them feel like they have some claim to a family because they have a mom and dad who was meant to be their mom and dad by fate even if its not their parents, its the people who love and care for them which makes yall a mom and dad to this lil boy. He will feel more comfortable and blend into the family easier if hes allowed to call you mom and dad.

Answer 5

If everyone involved is comfortable with it, I don't see how it could hurt him.

Answer 6

it is good that you started them out having them call you by your first name.

its not good to force them to call you two mom and dad if they are not your own children.

but if they begin calling you mom and dad on their own. let them do it. its because they see you as the mother and father figures in their life. its a good thing. i think it would probably hurt their feelings a little bit if you were to tell them not to call you that.

just make sure they know your not their biological parents. but its okay to call you mom and dad.

mom and dad is not always the person that gave birth to the child or brought them up ...its about unconditional love, being there for them and who THEY see as a mom and dad figure.

good luck.

Answer 7

As long as it was his choice and no one encouraged it he probobly just desperatly wants to fit in with the family. I think it's a great idea because even if he doesnt stay with you then chances are you will still stay in his life-my foster parents are still a big part of mine and my kids lives and I ended up going back to my real parents (unfortunatly) Good for you for saving this little boy- you can make a big impact on him in just a short time!!

Answer 8

I have no personal experience with this, but I have a close friend who has a foster kid (one of her 4 kids) who considers my friend to be her mother. My friend assumes (and is fighting through the courts) that this kiddo will be hers throughout her childhood. The kiddo calls my friend and her hubby Mom and Dad, as they are the closest thing she has ever had to a parent. Heck, my friend already has this foster kiddo in her estate and college planning. If you are acting as the Mom and Dad, I see no problem with the child calling you that.

Actually, I do have a bit of experience in this realm, although it is of a different stripe. My mom and dad were married until I was 7. My bio dad dumped us for a 19-year-old. My mother (after a couple of years) married a wonderful man, whom I always considered my father. I never actually called him "Dad," which is somthing I regretted greatly after he died prematurely at 64. It is one of my greatset regrets.

Please allow your foster (and probably permanent) child to call you "Mom" and "Dad." That will ensure that he feels as much a part of you famliy as your other children. It sounds like he really needs a Mum and Dad. lease let him have that.

Answer 9

i grew up in foster care...never called any of them mom or dad but I was abused a lot. But it loks like you guys are awesome and are giving him a loving home...its tough for the kids trust me

Answer 10

if the little boy wants to call you mum and dad then let him. If he feels comfortable with it and finds comfort in doing so, then i cant see how that can be wrong.

Answer 11

I'm not too sure...I think if you know he's your's for good then it's okay but ONLY if that is the situation.  If he's ever taken from you, it'll seem like he's lost his mum and dad all over again.  That's kind of risky.  ???

Answer 12

If he wants to yes. You took him on in order to give him a home right? And to make him feel as though he has a place to call home right? Then don't seclude him and make him call you something other than mom or dad if he wants too. Take it as an honor. he will be fine and he will be happier and feel more secure.

Answer 13

Sure! I think if it's what he wants to call you then he should. It probably makes him feel closer to you guys which is what he most likely needs.

Answer 14

I really believe that children should be empowered to make their own decisions whenever possible (ESPECIALLY foster children - man, they've had enough decisions made for them already!).  I think that as long as you make it really clear to him that what HE wants is most important, and that you will support no matter what he decides (even if he changes his mind later on), then it's just fine.

Answer 15

I think it is fine, i had a foster brother who called my mum by her name and my dad dad, so it's his choice. I think it's great he's bacome attatched to you enough to call you that. It shows he trusts you and knows you are there to meet his needs. The words mum and dad are not the same as mother or father. He wants to regain a reasonably normal life and since he has chosen to call you that I see no harm in it. I would if you were forcing him to call you certain things but you obviously aren't.

Answer 16

If he is happy using those names then let him.  He wouldn't say it if he didn't want to.

Answer 17

If that is what he calls you to fit in with the other kids its okay.  Our foster kids called us mama jenn and papa josh.  Even their foster children's parents called us that!

Answer 18

I think it is a good sign. Maybe make sure it is permanent for the childs sake at this point though. I feel for these kids and all the confusion and instability involved.

Answer 19

if that's what he wants, I don't see why not.. He probably wants to feel like he has parents.. You may be the first people he's had that he feels that way about... Sounds like he wants stability..

if you took out the "he wants to call  us this" out of the equasion I would say it depends on the likelyhood that you will adopt him..

But as it is, sounds like a wonderful child.. I hope you seriously consider adopting him...

ETA: Just saw "Family for life"  YES!! GO YOU!! that's what he needs.. (hugs).. start the adoption ball rolling, OK?? and by all means.. BE his "mum and dad"

Answer 20

I think it ok for foster children calling their foster parrents mum and dad so he can fit in. Also whats good for the child should be good for the parrents.

Answer 21

Of course! You guys must be doing an excellent job,  sothat he feels like calling you mom and dad! An d it llooks like you are going to be his parents. I think it might hurt his feelings, if you correct him.

Answer 22

If he is comfortable then by all means, yes. Calling you guys mom and dad may give him some sense of permanency.