Should i break up with him over an adoption?

Question

Ok, so I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. We have a child together but not married, we haven't had the best relationship. Any who, my whole life I have wanted to adopt at least one child. But just last night I found out that he's completely against adoption (yeah, I know). This is something I've wanted my WHOLE entire life, and now I can't because he doesn't like the idea??!! Do you think this is something to break up over? What would you do?

Answer 1

It depends on what you think would happen to the child you already have.

Answer 2

It's probably something you should have talked about 4 years ago.

And if its something you want more than him...and it doesn't jeopordize the standard of living of your current child....then I guess it is.

Answer 3

you have a child together. think about that. i wanted to adopt too but after talking with my fiance we agreed that we would only do it if we couldn't have our own children and have as many as we wanted. so anyways we want at least 4 if for some reason we can only have 2 then we will adopt 2.

Answer 4

I agree that you need to examine your desire to adopt.  What is your motivation?  You say that you "haven't had the best relationship" with your child's father, and that is the LAST kind of relationship you should bring another child into - especially an adopted child.  Do you want to adopt to "save" your relationship?  If so, that is a really bad idea, and a very bad reason to adopt.  I have seen middle aged couples do this and it has ended in disaster - including the suicide of one of their adopted kids.

You need to resolve your relationship with this man before you start playing with other people's lives.

Answer 5

How could you break up with him over not wanting to adopt a child?  If you can't figure out that what's best for your child comes first, then you're not someone who needs to be adopting children.  How could you possibly justify forcing your child into a single parent home over the distant possibility of another child.  Take care of the one you have!

Answer 6

The fact that you immediately want to break up with him shows there is zero love in the relationship - you are just comfortable with him and want him for stability, and probably for s*x.  So you have a choice to make - are you uncomfortable with him or do you just not like him, or is it just the one decision you do not like?  How does your child feel about both of you?

In the end, if you want to stay with him, tell him its time to stop beating around the bush and get married - and if that is a no-go then its time for you to find someone who WANTS to be with you, someone you might actually be in love with instead.

Answer 7

i am sure there are more issues then that. you just don't give in the towel but the thing that gets me you have never talked about this till now? i mean you should have spoken about all the hopes and dreams you both have and then marry. i mean it would be tied into you all. so i am not sure if you shoudl stay together. i mean if its that  easy to leave maybe it would be best to curl up and move and get on with someone else but you have to remember to learn to know this person well and take care.

Answer 8

Let's think about who the self centered person is in this relationship. Yes, it's you.  Sheesh.. Isn't it enough that you had a child out of wedlock but you want the boyfriend, to whom you clearly didn't mention your lifelong dream to, to jump in or get lost?  PLEASE - don't inflict yourself on some adopted child.  They deserve better than your immaturity.  If you are so determined to adopt, then give your child to him to raise and then work it out yourself.

I'm sure you can tell, you don't have my support.

Answer 9

It's hard for me to put myself in your place, but I have a hard time seeing breaking up with the father of your child because he doesn't want to adopt with you.  Once you have children, your life ceases to be only about you.  What will be best for your child?

I would seek help in making the relationship better first and then worry about more children and how they will get to you.

Answer 10

You are raising a child with someone and you are thinking of breaking up with him because he doesn't want to adopt another child who at the moment is hypothetical anyway?

If you care for him then no you should not break it off.

Children don't like it when their parents break up.  Personaly,  I think you need to focus on the child you have and try to preserve your relationship.

Answer 11

thats a decision only u can make. i think u should respect his wishes same as u expect him to do. if he doesn't want to adopt, thats his choice and his opinion, now what u have to decide is what do u want more, an adoption or a boyfriend?

u have to consider all the other aspects and then make a decision.

Answer 12

You might ask him why he is against adoption. Tell him why you have always wanted to adopt. I also find it odd that this desire never came up in the 4years you have been together even more after you all had a child together.   In the end there are only a few options 1. He changes his mind.  2. You leave him and find a man willing to adopt or 3. Stay with him and not adopt.    You certainly don’t want him to just give in because no child deserves to be raised by someone who truly didn’t want them. Then again if this is something you have always wanted you may come to resent him. There doesn’t seem to be any easy fix.

If you two haven’t had the best relationship as you indicated in your post. Maybe you should end it but not just because of you wanting to adopt. You may have far more issues then just this.

Answer 13

i wouldn't jump to conclusins and break up with him! Talk it over and tell him wut u r telling us

Answer 14

I dunno .. you have to be true to your heart and so does he.

Answer 15

looks like i'm playing the devils advocate....I would totally break up with him!! maybe i'm biased cuz i'm adopted and totally in favor of it (who WOULDN'T be in favor of it is what i'm wondering?) He sounds mean

Answer 16

I have a question for you, did your boyfriend and you plan your first child? If not, did he have an opinion on whether you should keep the baby, adoption, etc? Does he just not want to adopt children or does he not want to have anymore children? Honestly, you're asking this question because you are wanting someone to tell you yes, it is okay to break up with him because of this. And the truth is, it is okay. You can break up with him for any reason you choose. If you've always wanted to adopt, you need to make sure he understands that and give him the option if you don't want to be the one to bring down the Axe! Good luck!

Answer 17

In four years you never mentioned your life long dream? Why be surprised? And unless you are financially wealthy then why aren't you two married... if only for you child and your commitment. Anyone who isn't on your page for such an important decision is not the one to be in your life unless you can rethink your position on adoption.

Answer 18

If this is something that you really feel strongly about and you can see yourself holding this agianst him later on, then yeah break it off.

But if its something that you can get over without feeling regret, then just let it pass....Listen to your heart!

Answer 19

this is something you wanted your hole life now you have to spend the rest of your life in denial for the sake of some one else disobeying how you feel and what you want. you feel that is fair to you? you guys should talk or find other options

Answer 20

Breaking up over opinions and desires are something you need to think about. You've invested 4 years of your life to break up over a disagreement. He may feel like that today and next week the opposite. You just need to talk it out. You two already have a child, just make sure it something you both mutually want.

Answer 21

you already have one kid

u should have waited until you were married to have s*x

that would have kept all this from happenin

but follow your heart

or get married....watever uwant

Answer 22

Your beau is right.

He has no desire to raise someone else's child.  This is not someting you want to talk hin 'into'.

Maybe y'all can foster in the future.

Answer 23

A lot of men are not in favor of adopting.  Biology means a lot to them.  You already have a child together.  Why not focus on that?  He may change his mind down the road, or you might change yours and just have more bio children.  Is he a good father and provider for your child?  Does he treat you with love and respect?  These are the things that truly matter.

Answer 24

Personally I don't find it be a good reason really. Especially since you should really be thinking about the child you already have and not a hypothetical one. But really, be honest with yourself. If your willing to break up over an issue like adopting are you really that happy with him? Maybe you need to think about how you really feel. I have a daughter with my boyfriend and I have always wanted to adopt. He doesn't. Ever. I also always wanted foster children and he doesn't. Ever. So I deal with it. Were partners so that a sacrifice I'm going to have to make because he and my daughter come first. I hope you guys work it out but listen to your heart. If hes not the right man don't stay.

Answer 25

Before you take action, you may wish to consider that your boyfriend's stance may help clarify your goal.  You say that you have wanted to adopt, "your whole life."  Why? You already have a child.  What is it about adoption that excites you?

Is it the notion that you will help rescue a poor unwanted baby?  If so, your intention may be self-serving.  If your intention is otherwise, such as wishing to give back to the community, then perhaps your motive is pure, detached and unloving, but still pure.  No one can answer this question but you.  Before you remove the father of your child from your life, please consider your motivations.  Good luck, and I mean this sincerely.