Should i feel guilty about being pregnant again?

Question

I got pregnant the 1st time when i was 16. I was not ready to be a mom then i placed her up for adoption. Its an open adoption so I get pictures and get to talk to her. I recently found out Im pregnant again and now Im more stable then i was then. Im scared that she will hate me for having a baby when i couldn't keep her. What should i do?

Answer 1

I think you & the adoptive family can work together to encourage her and let her know that it wasn't anything about HER that made you decide on adoption...it was your circumstances...and those are changed now & you're able to parent a child at this point.

She might need some counseling to help her through it, too, but the adoptive family can help her find a good one.

You might need some counseling, too, to help you deal with your feelings of guilt on this.  You have no reason to feel guilty.  You made a very loving plan for your child to be provided for by the adoptive family...for her to be loved by them and raised by them.  You gave her a wonderful gift.  You're giving this new child a gift as well...it's a different gift, but the gift of being raised by you is still a gift. :-)

Go on & have a beautiful, wonderful family free from guilt or remorse!  Know that your daughter is well cared for and loved by her adoptive family and by you!

You sound like a wonderful woman!

Answer 2

What a generous and noble thing to do!  You gave your daughter a better life than you could have done at age 16.  Now she is in a happy, stable home with two parents.  I know it is hard to not feel guilty, but the gift you gave to those parents is easy to justify and explain, because I am sure they appreciate it more than you know.

Answer 3

What you should do is Keep Your Legs closed.

Or get your tubes tied, you can always get them

untied when your stable enough to be a MOM.

Answer 4

As an adoptee, it will be hard for your adopted daughter no matter what.  She may be angry with you whether you have another child or not, so I don't see it as a reason to put your life on hold because of it.

Answer 5

You shouldn't feel any ill feelings towards your decision.  If you didn't love her, you wouldn't have looked out for her by placing her in a position where others that would take better care of her than you can would be able to do so.

It hurts me when I hear adopted children say that they have met their birth parents, and they have children older and younger than they are.  These people ask why they were placed for adoption.  Here is why.

A birth mom has two children already, and gets pregnant with a third.  She realizes that she cannot afford to take care of another child.  To try would reduce the level of care for all three of the children.  She decides to place the third child up for adoption.  Four years later, she has been promoted at work, has found a man that loves her and her two children, and has gotten married.  They have two children together.

I assure you that the birth mom loves all FIVE of her children!  She is only raising four of them, but she is content in the knowledge that there is a family that might not exist if it hadn't have been for her decision.

Answer 6

You know what? You shouldn't feel guilty, you've done the right thing for you and your child first of all. If you wernt equipped to handle your first child, but kept it any way - what would happen?  you may not of had a chance to get yourself together - and you probably have given your daughter a better life by adopting her out.

Now you know your capable of handling this situation - go for it. You sound like your ready, and i dont think your daughter will hate you - especially if you've been upfront and honest with her from the begining. Explain to her that you dont love her less or differently (if that is indeed the case) but cirumstances were very different

Answer 7

OMG - please don't listen to hayleyemcoda - telling an adopted child that they should be happy they weren't an abortion is beyond cruel and irresponsible.

Just talk to her, explain the situation, tell her you love her. There is the chance she will be upset - that's perfectly natural - validate her feelings and be there for her.

Answer 8

Have the new baby, and explain to your daughter, it is going to hurt her but what can you do, the best thing is to show her that you love her.

Answer 9

well if your other daughter  has a problem with it then you need to tell her that it was either adoption or abortion then im sure she will understand goodluckxxx

Answer 10

if you have an open adoption she will have a chance to understand the situation.  She may question it but she may not since she actually knows you and her parents can help explain.  I doubt she will hate you for having another baby but she may want to have a chance to know that baby as well, it is her biological sibling.  There is no reason to feel guilty, if you baby girl has a great home with lots of love and security that is all that matters.  You showed how much you loved her by realizing you couldn't do right by her unless you found her a better home.  Now you can provide a better home and you have enough love in your heart for your daughter you gave to a new home and your new baby.

Answer 11

I cannot say what you should do or how you should feel or she will feel but I can offer you my experience. I was adopted and found out who my birth parents were 2 years ago. I found out I had an older brother, a younger sister, and a younger brother. People always ask if I was mad that I was "given away," especially because of the older sibling, but my answer is absolutely not. Placing me for adoption was the best gift they could have given me. I have had many more experiences and opportunities than my brothers and sisters have had. Though my adoption was closed (which I am glad for) my birth parents are the niece and nephew of very close friends of my parents so they were at least able to know that I was doing well. Like I said, I don't know your situation but thought you might like an opinion from an adoptee with siblings. I would hope that she would understand, as I did. Take care and good luck!!

Answer 12

Why should you feel guilty?  You made a loving choice to make an adoption plan for your first child.  You provided her with the wonderful gift of a stable and loving family at a time in your life that you recognized you were not ready to do that.  Now, you are ready to provide that type of home to a child.  You should not be penalized for doing the responsible thing.

Good luck to you.

Answer 13

Well... mistakes happen. you should just keep in contact. Its the best thing you can do. knowing her mother is a wonderful feeling. It may be hard at first but she'll warm up to it.

Answer 14

she may be mad, but she must understand circumstances change. you were able to bring yourself up and get your life straight, you should be proud of yourself. and just because you got pregnant when you were in a bad spot once doesnt mean you have to spend the rest of your life childless and pining for the daughter you gave a better life to.

if you were in her shoes would you want to find out your birthmother gave you up because her life was a wreck at the time of your birth and years later she has done nothing to improve herself and had learned no lessons because of it?

my birthmother has two sons younger than me. i did have a flash of 'why me' for literally 40 seconds, but she improved herself, got her life straight and became a good mom and person. and you know what? i am proud of her. she was selfless by giving me up, and smart enough to turn herself into something because of the mistakes she made in the past.

good luck and i wish you and your baby all the best

Answer 15

Your first daughter has a set of loving parents. She isn't some poor orphan on the street. She will understand, possibly even be excited that once both girls are 18 they can connect all they want.

You can't feel guilty over this. You did the right thing when you were 16, and you are doing the right thing now. Enjoy your second child and love them both.

Answer 16

That was then, and this is now.  You were younger, less mature, less able to take care of a child.  (Notice I did not say you were not able to take care of HER.)  When we let children know how hard it is to properly raise a child (in general) it takes away some of the personal reaction to being placed for adoption.  It was not about them, it was about you.  You were not able to raise a child then.  You can tell her how you wish you had been ready to be a parent, but that you were not.  That's why you made sure she hadparents who were ready in every way to be parents!  And now, you are ready.

Good luck.  Don't feel guilty. Be proud! You did the best for her, now go do the best for this baby!

Answer 17

I gave my daughter up in 1972. In 1977 I had my son. I found my daughter in 2001 and at that time she met her brother. She was the biggest secret in my life. My son has met her. She asked me why I gave her up and kept him. Hard to answer that question, I was young, no money, no job. Everyone counseled to give up the child, not how to keep her. I wish I had kept her. She found her self in the same situation. Her dad said give up the child, but she refused. I'm glad she did, because I would not want anyone to have to go through giving a child up. Every birthday for 29 years I cried myself to sleep. I am so glad to have found her.

Answer 18

If you are more stable, older and just more well equipped to be a parent now, no, don't feel bad.  At the point of my divorce 2 yrs ago I agreed to having my ex husband take primary custody because he had a better paycheck, the house, my son's things, dogs, etc.....but we share custody almost perfectly 50/50.  At the point of divorce I was having issues with clinical depression, and his dad, while a crappy husband (lol) was a GREAT father.  I still don't regret it, he now has a GREAT stepmom and a stepsister only 3 days younger than him, and a step brother who is only 2 yrs younger, and just as skinny:D

It sucks that I only see him on holidays right now since I'm in DC staying with my parents and he recently moved to Seattle with his dad and the new job, but once I'm out there I will see him again, and it will work out.

You know that you did what you did for your child, not for selfish reasons.  Just try to remember that.  It was hard for me at first when my ex married his new wife, because they do things differently, but I worked through it, because ALL of us love him.

Good Luck!

Answer 19

Life goes on darlin'!  You are doing the best you can by keeping in touch with your first child and you will continue to do so I'm sure.  There may be some hurt feelings but things will smooth out after a while.  I applaud you for giving your daughter up for adoption!!!  It sounds like she has a wonderful family and now you need to focus on making this little one a happy home too.

I will never forget the look on my nephews face when he saw his mom with his new baby brother, jealousy, rage and at the same time love.  They are children and don't understand life very well,  we just need to gently lead them thru the changes that life brings.  It will be fine!

Answer 20

it depends on how old you are, and if you are now married.