Should i tell my parents?

Question

I recently got engaged to my girlfriend of 5 ½ years. The problem I face is that my folks will be against us getting married. Because my girlfriend has had no father (she is an illegitimate child) and her mother never got married to the father or even at all. So basically my fiancée has had no "stable" father figure. And my parents are pretty conservative in these terms. Because to them, a person who is has not had a stable "family life" they would not be able to keep their own family, since they had no “view of a true family life” So basically I have been trying to evade telling them that she basically has no father. My oldest brother had advised me that maybe I should not mention it at all and get my fiancée and her mother to agree to a lie about her father. But, the thing is I know my father would be able to see through this lie. What do you think I should do?

Answer 1

I consider myself very conservative. First of all, DO NOT LIE. Now that I got that out of the way, You are the one marrying her, not your parents. Stop stressing over something that is not your problem. If  your parents have issues with her not having a father, that is their problem. Let them work it out on their own. If you bring it up to them, it just shows them that they still have a hold on you. However, if you just let time pass and let them bring it up, this is how I would handle it. Tell them very politely, "Mother, Father, it doesn't matter to me about her not having a father, because I'm not marring him. I love her very much and I am going to marry her. I would like your blessings, but I love her and if need be, I will marry her without your blessings." I think you'll be surprised at the results. They will either tell you something like, "as long as your happy, we are happy", or they will gain a respect for you for standing up to them in a very decent manner. Especially your father. Hope this helps, Jeff

Answer 2

My parents don't like my fiancee because of his past.....if you love her and they love you they should respect that this is your decision.  In time they will accept her, I was afraid my parents would not except mine but slowly they are.  If your parents love you they will not make you choose.  BUT YOU CAN NOT LIE!!  That will make things worse believe me I did it.  She can't help where she came from she can only control where she goes and who she becomes.  I am sure since she did not have a father figure the will be all the more careful that her children will have one.  Have faith in your parents and then give them time.

Answer 3

It sounds like your parents instilled some good values in you, and that is great. Like mine, it also sounds like they may have gone a little overboard at times.

I remember leaving home at 19 and partying my *** off... just cause I finally had nobody looking over my shoulder for once... then things started getting out of hand, but I couldn't talk to them about it, so I lied and said everything was great. Then I got pregnant. To a guy who I barely knew... I was on the reound from a 4 year relationship that went down the tubes, and one thing led to another...

So there I was, at 22, telling my parents I broke up with one guy, found another, oh, and I was pregnant... they thought I was a virgin so imagine their surprise.

I'm 30 now, and guess what I have learned? I tell them. I tell them everything. Yah, I leave some details out here and there that they dont need to know, but what they value more than anything is honesty. I am not going to say that they always agree with what I do... they don't.

But they respect me for being enough of a woman to stand up and tell them that I made a choice, and I intend to be responsible for my decision.

So... to answer your question. On your special day, there shouldn't be secrets you are worried about creeping out... there shouldn't be lies...

It should be a day to celebrate you being a man, and standing before god and your family to take vows to stand up for and be there for the woman you love. Why not start early and stand up for her here? She must have shown some stability over the past 5 years. Say that to your parents. Show them what kind of a man they raised.

Answer 4

you cant LIE about a father... thats insensitive on your part. think about it. would you bring some dude in and introduce him as YOUR father? yea, didn't think so..

Answer 5

You need to tell them soon,

they will be dissapointed if you dont.

and you cant just not tell them that your getting married.

Answer 6

Okay let me tell you something straight up. I am married for 3 yrs now and have two kids. This does not ride on your parents, after all it is you who will spend the rest of your life with your girlfriend. If you love the girl there is no reason not to marry her, thats what i did and you know what our parents got over it, you cannot let your parent rule your life. You are an adult you have to make the decisions that best suit you and make you happy. But i do understand your concern lol

Answer 7

if you love her then do not allow anyone including your parent's to make her feel less then good enough for anyone. .you start out a marriage based on lie's a untruths. then your pretty much doomed for it not to last.You take that girl by the hand walk into your parent's house introduce her and let them know she is what make's your future seem possible.why should she have to pa fr something she had no control over. and let me tell you if i had to face hardship and problem;s that come with marriage i would want her standing by my side. she's a survivor she will fight tooth and nail by your side with you. she know's what family mean's she know's what to do she won't crumble under stress or pressure. the worst mistake you could ever make is letting her get away.boy man-up and show her your there for her. she is abetter person because of what life has thrown at her since birth. can you say the same? lose her and your a fool  

Answer 8

youre parents arent wrong....however, that is not a reason to NOT tell the truth, they are going to find out eventually, do you wanna start building your marriage on a lie, or on truth?  

the truth is, she does not come from a stable family background.  This is one of the very few, but very good pieces of advice my father gave to me...and it was...

you know what her background is...when problems arise, you are ALWAYS going to need to be the understanding one, realizing what her background was.

for example...my wifes mother is the most dillusional and black hearted person in the world...who just a few weeks ago told my wife that she was worthless, that she should have had her son, and never even had her.  wow...nice mom...this lady beat my wife up, threw things at her, and constantly told **** to the father who was an alcoholic who beat women....where do you think that was going?

anyways, YES, there are going to be problems during time together, I am together 20 years with my wife now, and I still notice things..just when you think youve worked it all out, something happens, like you have kids, and then you see a whole new set of things that emerge from an unstable family history.  its a lifelong work, and you have to be ready for it

I say tell your dad 1st.  TELL him, dont ask.  If this is the one dude, you are telling your father man to man what you are doing, and he will either give you his blessing, or he wont...at that point, its on him.  Never make it where the black mark is going to fall upon you.  If you tell him, you will be up front and told the truth.  your father should respect you.  

ps....if you have been together with her for 5.5 years, I doubt this will be a shocker to your mom n dad.  

Dont Evade..be a man, talk to your old man and just get that part behind you.  Good Luck

Answer 9

So my first question to you is how old are the two of you? I', sure that your girlfriend doesn't like that she doesn't have a father figure in her life, that shouldn't take away the chance to be happy with someone who loves her. I grew up without a father and was happily married with two children. (i'm now 26 and a widow) If your parents care about you and see that you're happy with each otherr then it should give you no reason to hide between lies.  

Answer 10

Your fiancee do have a father. He may not been in her life, but she does have a father. Consider, maybe it was better not to have her mother and father together. It could of been an abusive relationship. When a family has a mother and father it doesn't mean that the children has been raise properly. You should tell your parents.

It is also an insult to her mother. I am sure her mother has done a great job in raising her. If you really love your fiancee, you should tell them. You shouldn't hide it like it is dirty secret. You are starting your own family. If your parents are so concern, then your dad should be a 'father figure' to your future wife.What is important is that you be a good father to your future kids and a good husband and their grand parents are expected to shower their grand kids with love.

When you are married the importance will be with your new family. Your wife becomes your family now. If your parents makes a fuss about it, you just tell your dad to be a role model to your wife. God bles.