Should lemon laws continue to be permitted in adoption?

Question

When a child doesn't meet the exact criteria of the a-parent should they be permitted to just return them and get put back on the wait list for another one.

I can't imagine this happening but it does happen quite often especially for children with even minor medical problems.

Isn't adoption about helping a child in need or has that changed.

What are a-parents thinking when they ship a child back like a faulty car?

Answer 1

My child came to me with an eating disorder, failure to thrive, and reactive attatchment disorder. He would pee and p**p on our things, he would intentionally break anything he thought I liked or loved, he would scream for between 2 to 6 hours a day at the top of his lungs my name, he could not touch me without hurting me on purpose, he hurt my cats, he lied, he stole, he had to control everything around him, he wouldn't sleep, he would hurt himself and he would triangulate the adults in his life.

Never once did I think about giving my new son back. My social worker even asked me, 7 months in, "Do you still want him?"

I told her I could not and would not EVER give up on him.

And I haven't and never will.

Now, two years later, he is thriving. He still has symptoms of rads but at least he believes that I will never let go of him and that I love him.

There needs to be more education and better screening of aps. Thank God my social worker was upfront about the hardships for both adoptive parents and adoptees. At least then I could make a real informed desision before my son daughter entered my life.

Answer 2

I've never heard of this happening.  I have, however, heard about disrupted adoptions.  Those only tend to happen in very extreme cases like when there's sever Reactive Attachment Disorder or other behavioral disorder that puts the adoptive family or adopted child at risk of harm.

We adopted two girls from overseas.  We knew before we adopted them that they had issues (medical, past abuse, etc.) and that it wouldn't be easy to parent them.  We haven't looked back.  When we finalized the adoption we took a vow to the judge that we were there parents in every sense of the word & we were to be committed to them for the rest of their lives.

Answer 3

Funny I don't recall being able to opt out of parenting my daughter when I discovered she has a sensory disorder and possible autism... How odd that only APs would think only they deserve a "perfect" child.

When life throws you lemons make lemonade. When life throws you a child with a disability learn to embrace who they are. The end.

Answer 4

I was one of those lemons, and yes they should be able to. I wouldn't have wanted someone raising me that didn't want me as I was. These people should not be allowed to adopt in the future though.

Answer 5

It shouldn't be okay for ANY PARENT, adoptive of not!!!!!

But for some reason adoptive parents are expected to be super human and able to "handle" a child that in some cases dozens of others have tried, including the natural parents, BUT FAILED!

If you think about it these children ended up in the system somehow.

I personally have never considered "returning" my son who had had a million dollars in health care (thank God for good insurance), is sick al of the time. Who knows what his future holds? But I'll be there!!! FOREVER!!! Not because I feel obligated, but because I WANT to be. He's my son for God sake.

ETA-parents do have a chance to "opt out" just look at foster care, it's not all abuse and neglect, sometimes people (yes even naturally parents) want perfection. Look at all the group homes where some people spend their entire life, because a retarded child isn't what they "Signed up for".

My husband helped out in his aunts group home where he cared for 6 disabled men. The stories of what their lives are like would bring anyone to tears.Some of them went straight from foster care to adult facility care.

It's wrong for ANYONE to think they deserve perfection. It's ridiculous to expect someone else to be perfect when I'm far from it.

Answer 6

That's sick.  If they can't be a good parent for that child, I think they should not get another chance.  We don't get to chose the children we give birth to, why should it be an exchange program for adoption?

Answer 7

When my son was born (I adopted), his birth mother was refusing to get prenatal care.  At the hospital, when he was born, I found out why.  She did allow me to take her blood pressure, listen for the baby's heartbeat, and take her blood sugar (the only things I knew how to help with and that she'd allow), but wouldn't go to the doctor.

She had done a dose of meth the day he was born and he tested positive.  I believe that on a few other occaisions that she had, but not as much as a lot of addicts.  Before he was born, I had made the decision to love him as if I were pregnant with him myself, and no matter the outcome, I loved him.  Not once did I bat an eye about adopting him because of the meth (I did want to bat her, but that's another Oprah show).  If he'd been born with any problems, I still loved him, and would have no matter what.  We had a rough beginning, but at 9 months, he's ahead of schedule, and a wonderful, healthy, joyous addition in my life!!!!!!!!!!!!  

I can't imagine what these people are thinking!  I do know that some have no idea what they are getting into, and that's why the educational courses are so important.  I have worked with a lot of special needs children in the past, so I'm familiar with most circumstances, but someone who goes into it in a naive fashion is in for a big shock!  

It isn't just the AP's though.  These kids ended up in foster care for adoption because of their first parents.  100 times more kids are lost by natural parents than adoptive parents.  AP's sometimes get very little documentation to review before trying to tackle a situation with a child that sometimes, the children are so emotionally ruined, that they just don't come out of it.  It's a shame, and I want to personally strangle several first parents I know who put their kids through a million types of h-e-double hockey sticks!  Most AP's who fail at this type of adoption don't take the kids back like a faulty car, they do it because they know that they just can't help that child have a normal life.  Many of the kids who get returned end up institutionalized because of their original abuse.  It's a sad, but true fact.  Minor medical problems to some might be considered major to others.  We'll never know unless we turn into some of those people what really goes on.

Answer 8

I don't think the problem is with disruption, to be honest.  I think people need to be a lot more blunt with PAP's, explain things to them in detail, from the POV of the adoptee, and explain that if they can't handle it, they need to just NOT ADOPT in the first friggin place!  Those "lemon laws" probably do just as much to keep kids from abusive, entitled, selfish AP's, as they do to harm those same kids and make them feel unwanted.

People just need to learn about adoption...the REALITY of it.  That would make a whole lot of people change their minds about what a wonderful thing it is, keep a whole lot more people from congratulating themselves for thinking they're doing such a fine thing by "taking in an unwanted orphan", and keep the rest from dumping the kids back into the system.

Just my two cents.

ETA:  Lara is correct, there are LOTS of kids in foster care who have not experienced abuse or neglect.  We have seen bulletins for kids who's first parents are developmentally disabled and chose not to parent; children who were removed at birth due to parental homelessness, mental illness, and/or drug abuse, kids with disabilities, etc.  Some children were abandoned at birth, and the first parents are unknown.  The vast majority do seem to be older kids who were removed due to abuse and/or neglect, but there are still too many kids who were given up due to parents not feeling "able" to parent.

Answer 9

What "lemon law" are you referring to?  Parents have the legal ability to relinguish their rights to their child, whether biological or adopted.  

As far as the issue you seem to be talking about, which is adoptive parents unrealistic expectations about the mental and physical health of their child, I agree that it is a problem and there needs to be a process that can better educate parents and better determine a pap's fitness to deal with an adopted child's possible needs.  I don't think the solution is to have no legal way for adoptive parents to relinguish rights.  There are situations where that is in the best interest of the child.  I feel sick and angry at adoptive parents and at the system when I see it done casually (and I have) and I feel heartbroken for all involved when it really is a situation that requires a dissolusion (which is rare, but I have seen it).

Answer 10

They may not be equipped  to handle it. Mentally or emotionally  and that is not what is best for the child

Now if they just want a "perfect" child that is selfish and they need to rethink the process

We are adopting from foster care and they give you a five page list with three columns of things you will and won't accept.  Everything from race, age , s*x, diseases, disorders, disabilities. When they think they find a match they most by law disclose all they know about this child and unlike private adoption there are preplacement visits that start with a day and build up to  over night and finally a weekend or a week. You decide if the child is "a good fit for your home" There words not mine.

Yest it is about the child but if you are a parent with a two story home why would you take a child in a w/c. If you are adopting and you have one income why take a child with chronic illness that will break your bank.   Yes you have no choice if it were a bio child but many parent go bankrupt and get depressed and GOD knows what else with a bio child that is sick.  Why if you know you can't handel it put yourself through it on purpose.

We are willingly to take children with mild to moderate learning disablites because my wife  has traing  in that.  But we are not taking kids with physical handicaps because we do not have handicap accesable home and can't afford it

Answer 11

What if a biological child turned out not to meet the parents expectations?  What would they do?  OF COURSE it is not right that an adoptive parent could arbitrarily "give back" a child.  A child is not a commodity, like a car, or a refrigerator.

Answer 12

it's a shame .. children aren't "made to order" they are precious gifts.  I've actually heard of someone giving their child back 6 years later because they were "finally" able to concieve their "own" child.  Ugh, makes me sick!

Answer 13

Sometimes, a child comes with more needs than the adoptive parents could have anticipated and are in no position to address.  Sometimes, disruptions must happen when an adoptive parent is forced accept that the other children in a home are endangered because of one child in the home.  I can only imagine the pain that an adoptive parent must face when finding out that one child sexually molested a younger child in the home.  That pain is compounded when the child's full history, diagnoses and needs were never disclosed.  That happens.

However, you are right.  There are other disruptions that happen for pretty poor reasons: the child has an undisclosed (or unknown) minor medical issue (which is often treatable), or an international adoptee is found (due to bone scans) to be older than originally believed, if the actual birthdate is unknown.  

I think this has more to do with unrealistic expectations on the part of the adoptive parent than anything else. Like the savior situation, that a child is rescued (from an orphange or from foster care) and that child should be ever-so grateful to be in better circumstances.  

I would rather see these people screened out before adopting.  I think that people who have such unrealistic and unfair expectations of children have no business adopting in the first place.

Answer 14

If someone wants to change their mind about parenting, because the child doesn't meet their expectations, then YES, they should be able to change their mind.  I would much rather have that child 'returned' and found a different home, one that would welcome and love the child unconditionally, than have the child stay in a home where they are not wanted.

And, NO, they should not be allowed to adopt again.