Should my fiance have spent more on my ring?

Question

I gave him my grandma's ring to reset- a beautiful perfect diamond, and told him he did not have to use it (I sort of wanted him to buy me my own, but did not want to ask him to). I thought if he used her diamond, he should do more with the setting. When we went to a custom jeweler, I REALLY liked this one ring, and it was really different. He travels a lot with his job, for months at a time, so he had my grandma's ring for six months. I came to visit him and he took me to a jeweler in a strip mall near his hotel and showed me some Ritani rings- really classic and beautiful, and said those are the ones he wants me to choose from. I liked them, and it was hard for me to make a decision, and I really should have spoken up- because I really wanted something different like from the custom jewler and I thought since I gave him the diamond he could afford it. I really liked this one and I didn't get it. He ended up choosing the ring- and using my grandma's diamond on it. I am not materialistic, but now I am starting to think that I am because it bothers me that he got me just a solitaire with a thin band (and I told him I did not like the thin bands) and I just feel that he did not really listen to me. It is not about the money, it is the fact that this is the ring I am going to wear the REST of my life, and I wanted him to put a lot of thought and sacrifice a little for it. I also know that you are supposed to spend 2 months salary on your ring. His friend spent 10,000 on his fiance's ring, and my boyfriend only spent a tiny bit on a solitaire band- and he makes almost $7,000 a month- so I know he can afford a lot more! OK, I know I sound like a complete spoiled b*tch. I am really not! I just started to wonder why he was saying that he had to save for it, and really he spent as much as he did on his friend's bachelor party to Vegas on my ring! It just makes me feel like I am not worth much to him. Am I crazy! What is wrong with me? Why I am having these materialistic thoughts about the ring? I just feel like when you ask someone to marry them, you are sacrificing a litle and saving up for it. It is beautiful, but not really what I had in mind, and I just feel like he got what he wanted and not what I wanted. How can I stop these thoughts? I can't talk to him about it! It is awful to think that way??

Answer 1

I can see it a little bit from your point of view.  At least some of it.  In your mind, I think him not spending as much on the ring, means that he doesn't value the relationship as much.

And maybe you should have spoken up.  I told my fiance that I emphatically want white gold.  When had been dating for a short time, he got me a ring that was yellow gold and I let him know that I had a preference for white gold (of course I still kept the ring and wear it lovingly!).  So he knew for my ring that I wanted white gold.  You won't get what you would really like if you don't tell him.

You wanted him to sacrifice for it?  Why? do you want him paying for a ring for months when you all could use that money for a house or something else for your future?  My advice is to not worry what other people are spending for your ring.

He can probably take your ring back and exchange it for another.  Some jewelers do that.  Tell him what you like.  Be open with your feelings and he may find it a little selfish that you want him to spend more but that's who he's marrying.  Everybody is a little selfish sometimes.

Answer 2

it's not the price that matters. do you like it? if yes then who cares the cost. No one follows the whole "2 month salary" rule anymore.In fact, I told my bf if he spent more than $500 I'd take it back.  We can use the money for the wedding, or the honeymoon, or a downpayment on a house.  So many things in life more important than a ring.

Good luck and please enjoy your engagement, don’t let this take you down. It’s such a great time in your life

Answer 3

I think that because you gave him your grandmother's ring to reset, he assumed that is what you really wanted and didn't want to get you something different.  If you didn't really want him to use it, you shouldn't have given it to him.  About the setting, he is a guy and it sounds to me like he just took the easy way out and bought you a solitaire (not a lot of imagination there).  The 2 months salary thing I find ridiculous, because it really should be how much he can afford and how long he is willing to save, other expenses he might have, etc.  Are you guys paying for your own wedding?  Maybe he feels that the bulk of his money should go toward celebrating the beginning of your new life together, instead of a ring?

I don't think you should bring it up with him now, it'll most likely just make him feel insecure.  Instead, when you start shopping for wedding rings, be sneaky and pick out bands with diamons on them and then comment repeatedly on how they don't go with the current setting on your engagement ring.  By then, it will have been a while since he proposed, and he probably won't mind if you reset your ring and change the band it is in.  That way, everybody wins!

Good luck and congratulations on your wedding! =)

Answer 4

well here is the thing and peopel can bring on the thumbs down for all I care.  There was a time when engagements were a surprise and the ring choice was 100% up to the man and the woman loved the ring for what it represented, not the size of the diamond or the cost of the ring.  Now I'm only 23 years old and been married since I was 19, but when I got engaged, the ring was 100% up to him.  If I had got to choose the ring, I wouldnt have picked something different, but I wouldnt trade the ring for the world because its what HE wanted me to have and he picked it out and thought about it and got what he hoped I would like so I love him, and the ring 100000 times more because of that.  Also, people get the idea they will wear this ring the rest of their lives when chances are, you wont.  I don't wear mine anymore as it irritates my finger with that and the wedding band on.  My friends all put on weight and theirs don't fit anymore.  Also, if you cant talk to him about this, there is a bigger problem then the ring.  Marriage is all about communication...good and bad and if you cant communicate with him about this then good luck in the future.  Maybe the reason you feel you can't talk about it is because you are ashamed for even feeling this way about it.

Answer 5

It sounds to me like you didn't express your likes and dislikes, so you gave him free rein to choose what he thought best.  You said several times in your post about wanting him to do this or that and not speaking up, so what did you expect?

I'm sorry, but you do sound a bit spoiled by complaining on line to strangers about the price of your ring.  There is no "rule" that says you HAVE to spend 2 months salary on a ring.  He did what he could based on the information (or lack of) you provided him.  He loves you enough to want to spend the rest of his life with you, and you're saying you don't feel like you're worth much to him.  I sincerely hope this is not the way you intend to start out your marriage.

I think that you're just feeling regret for not voicing your opinion.  Now you don't want to hurt his feelings.  I think this is more about a lack of communication than about the price of a ring.  You say it's a beautiful ring.  Focus on what it means (you're engaged and going to share your life with this man) than on the price tag.

Answer 6

You should have spoken up before, yes. But there is nothing you can do about it now. I don't think you sound materialistic or spoiled. I think you had your heart set on something but felt pressured to get what he wanted. He told you to choose from his selection of rings, not your selection of rings. That sounds to me that he is being a little stingy. He should have went out of his way to get what you want considering he didn't have to purchase the diamond! Seriously, he could've afforded it and more. My husband saved, saved, and saved to get my ring and he chose from the selected few I picked out. Now, if you don't feel comfortable talking to him about it, you can always wait until your 5th or 10th wedding anniversary and tell him for the occasion you are going to pick a new setting. If he gets upset, tell him the truth and tell him how you accepted what he chose before and didn't insist on it being your way but that now you're going to choose yourself. You can always put a stone in the old setting and keep it if it means a lot to him. It should've been what you wanted from the get go, why he decided to choose setting himself without giving you the freedom of just picking one out yourself is beyond me. But some guys just don't know, I guess.

Answer 7

Be happy with what you have! As you stay married (if you do so) then he can always "upgrade" your ring. I'm perfectly happy with my diamond but I know that an upgrade will be in the future as well ;).....Best wishes to you and your fiancee and just relax about the ring. It's not all that matters! Be thankful that you have someone who's willing to love you and be with you for a lifetime, some women in the World don't find that! I'm thankful I've found it and I'm satisfied with my ring as well.

Answer 8

My fiance makes about the same and spent between $11,000 and $15,000 on my ring.  There is a slight chance that he thought you really wanted your grandmother's ring for sentimental value so he used it.  You shouldn't have given it to him if you wanted something new, especially when he makes enough to afford something new.

I know it's hard and awkward to talk about what you really want, and if my fiance hadn't been so insistent for me to tell him what I really liked and to pick out a ring I really wanted, I would have probably ended up with something I hated, because I was embarrassed to say how I really felt.  He really listened to what I had to say though, and I adore my ring.

The fact that he didn't listen when you actually DID speak up is what worries me.  He should have been listening to every little thing you said (especially when you said so little) and he went directly against what you said.  

So, what should you do now?  That is so tough.  On one hand, it looks tacky and rude to bring it up.  You never know, the jewler could have talked him into that band, but he directly went AGAINST what you said, and you're stuck with that ring forever.

I would probably say something, even though it will be hard.  After all, he should care most about making you happy.  If you don't think he really puts you first or cares about you or listens to you, that's kind of a big deal and you could give him back the ring period and tell him that you want him to keep it until you work on your communication problem.  It will be a shock and hurtful now, but think how shocking and hurtful a divorce is.

Answer 9

Well, the first thing you are wrong about is that it is a rule to spend two months salary - it's not. The value of your ring doesn't equal how he values you - though if it did, he must value you a lot because a family heirloom is priceless. Also, buying a ring is not about "sacrifice", sometimes a lot of savings is involved, but calling it a sacrifice is a little much.

If you feel that strongly about it then say something but be prepared that you most likely will come off as shallow and hurt his feelings.

Answer 10

If you can't talk with him about it, it's time to start rethinking your relationship. However, why don't you talk with him about it? If you didn't speak up when you were in the ring shop, how was he supposed to know you wanted the ring from the custom jeweller's instead? You really shouldn't be upset at him when you didn't communicate what you wanted in the first place. If you're going to be upset about it forever, you need to speak up now. Obviously, it would be best if you just weren't upset, but we can't always help these things.

Answer 11

You are right, you sound very much like a spoiled brat.  Personally my least favorite cut is marquis.  I love princess.  I told my husband this (fiance at the time).  But, when he picked my ring out what cut was it?  Marquis.  That was the last thing on my mind though.  I was just so happy we were getting engaged that, that was all that mattered.  He did put a lot of time an effort into picking out the ring.  Although, it wasn't the one I would have chose, it was the one that jumped out at him.  He thought it would be perfect for me and it was.  It was perfect because he picked it out.  He seen "the way it would look on me and just knew it was perfect."

I honestly think you are putting too much emphasis on the engagement ring.  No, the ring you will be wearing for the rest of your life, the one that has ALL the meaning behind it is your wedding ring.  The ring you use to say your vows to each other.  Yes, I know a lot of women wear their engagement ring all the time with their band.  That is fine.  But to me, the band is the symbol, not the engagement ring.

I get you don't want to feel this way and I agree you shouldn't.  THe ring should have lots of meaning to you.  It was a part of your grandmothers.  Oh, how I wish I could have added something as special as that to it.  I think you are one lucky girl.  Maybe he thinks his money should go to "more important" things.  Like preparing to have a family to support.  You have to give him some credit.

EDIT:  To Pretty Bright: obviously you and I are reading two different questions, or I totally misunderstood Penny, but I do NOT see where in her question she said she TOLD him exactly what she wanted.  I hear that she told him he didn't have to use her grandmothers ring (but I will go with him on this one I would think why would she give me this ring if she really didn't want me to use it.).  And that he gave her the options of what rings he like and that she was unable to decide on one she like.  At no point does Penny say she came out and TOLD him what she wanted.  I am not trying to be rude, but obviously (in my opinion) it was a lack of communciation on HER part, not his.  No man (or woman, for that matter) is a mind reader.  You can't get mad at him for not knowing exactly what she wanted.  Again, these are my opinions.  All the answers are on this question.  Ones personal opinion.  Everyone has one and just because they don't agree with you doesn't mean they are wrong.  It is I can't understand why Penny is mad if she didn't tell him exactly what she wanted.  Even then, unless she is paying for it, she really can't complain (I mean she can, but to me she has no ground.)  I will agree with the other poster that her problem is more with the money he spent than the lack of communication.  Yeah, it probably would hurt my feelings to know he spent more money on his friends bachelor party than my ring.  I would be lying if I said anything different than that, but again it is HIS money (for now.)

I am glad you think it is silly that I would think she didn't make it obvious that she was in love with that ring.  Considering how many times she states how she didn't voice her opinion.  But,  I was actually basing that on my own personal experience/opinion (again which is what everyone, including you is doing.)  Do you know how many times I seen a ring when we were shopping and said oh I like that.  I was never overly excited about anything.  I personally never really spoke up.  I did mention to him once about my favorite cuts and my least favorite cut of diamonds.  So yeah I guess if I had based whether or not I was going to get married on whether or not he bought my "dream ring" I would be single and miserable.  I love my husband with all my heart.  The engagement ring means nothing.  (Sure I love the memories it brings back and that he was so thoughtful.)  My wedding ring is the one I wear though.  It is the one that carries the symbol of our vows together, that it is never ending.  Given I am pregnant at the moment and too swollen to wear both, I, of course chose to wear the one that means the most to me.  Love me/hate me, it is my opinion.

Answer 12

i understand what you say - ive always said its not about the money as long as you like it... but its not even what you wanted??? tough one - to say something or not - if he is anything like my bf then he will take it the wrong way... but do you really want to lie everytime someone asks you whether your ring is beautiful or if its everything you ever wanted? im not saying he should have spent more, because its not about that. im saying that he should have put more thought into it...

Answer 13

I don't know what to tell yo, hun. My boyfriend and I aren't even engaged yet and he's already told me he will never buy a big engagement ring, not because of the money, but because he just doesn't like big rings. I have a few that are a little big and he's not really a fan of them. He's a very "simple" as he calls himself kind of guy. No frills, no big to do, that kinda thing. At the same time I've already told him, I'd like a 3/4-1ct. diamond, but in a very simple setting.    

Answer 14

A lot of people are going to say you are spoiled, you are crazy, and just be happy he gave you a ring and it is not about the ring, it is about the fact that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

I agree with you.

It is important that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and it is important that he proposed.  But to the girl, the ring is also important.  You have to wear it for the next 30+ years!  That is a long time to have a piece of jewelry that you look at every day that you don’t like.  I don’t blame you for not wanting a solitaire, I didn’t either.  To me, there is just nothing to it.

My fiancée and I went ring shopping together.  I told him this is what I want and thank god he listened.  I wouldn’t have been happy if he gave me something else.  You probably should have been more vocal from the beginning, but now you have the opportunity to be more vocal.

Sit him down; tell him how much you love him and how excited you are to spend the rest of your life with him.  Tell him it is not his fault that you should have said something, but you are a little upset about the ring he chose.  Carefully explain your reasons and ask him if maybe you could get it reset to a different setting from a jeweler (maybe the custom jeweler).  I would still keep the diamond.  It is your grandmothers’ diamond and it has special meaning, but reset it with other diamonds.  Look at see if the International Gem and Jewelry Show is coming to a town near you.  They have a lot of custom jewelry makers and everything there is wholesale.  That is where we are getting our bands.

Hope this helps and good luck!

Answer 15

no way I can read all that, but you need to get the underlying values right.  a ring is just a ring, and a wedding is just a big party that often ends in divorce.  please focus on the important stuff: the nature of the relationship and your future together.  this is not about spending a lot of money on a pretty piece of jewelry to impress everyone.  stop comparing and buying into the consumer culture and you'll be fine.  if you can't do this, you need to ask yourself what you're all about.

Answer 16

If you wanted a different ring, then you should've went out and bought it and proposed to him.

I realize that jewelry is something that either appeals to you, or it doesn't but what matters is the bond between you two, the ring doesn't say "I love you"... HE does.

I originally told my boyfriend that if the ring wasn't at least a carat, he wouldn't seem very committed.  Then I tried on a gorgeous 1/4 carat ring that would save him over $1,000 if he decides to get it.  I told him the jist of what I want (VERY basic & traditional) but he's going to make the final decision since it is his money and his committment.

Answer 17

You have so many sentences in your story that point to a severe lack of communications skills between you two:  "I didn't want to ask him to" - "I really should have spoken up" - "he did not really listen to me" - "I can't talk to him about it" etc.

Your problem is not with your ring - it's that you can't talk to each other openly and honestly!  If you are going to get married this needs to be fixed ASAP.  Sit down with him and tell him how you feel, and do it often, and not just about your ring.  I would bet there are a LOT of things that you don't communicate about for whatever reason.  Now that you're engaged you should be getting down to real with each other and no more pussyfooting around.

Answer 18

I don't think that you sound materialistic! He shouldve listened to you a little better.  You have to wear this ring for the rest of your life so you have to LOVE it.  I have had two different wedding sets and eventhough I loved my original set, my taste changed so my husband had a new one made for me.  Try to take that into consideration.  I would just try talking to him about possibly doing something else so that you are happy with your new wedding set.  

Besides, everyone wants the bride to be happy afterall!

Good Luck!

Answer 19

I understand your point. No it is not about the money and it is not about you being materialistic. It is about HIM understanding you, knowing what you want, what makes you happy and about him putting effort and thought into it. You want to feel special and right now you don't. Marriage is a big thing to a woman and a man should know how to treat a woman right if he wants to make her his and spend his life with her. You feel as if he hadn't put much thought into the engagement ring and you don't like the ring he gave you because it doesn't make you feel special to him. Or maybe, you don't feel like you are Worth it to him for him to spend more on your ring. You feel guilty if you talk to him about it because you're afraid he might think of you as a materialistic girlfriend. I think you just need to approach the subject in the right way. While you're with him, ask him, How much are you worth to him, and if you are worth as much as he said you are, why didn't he spend more time and effort on getting you a ring you like. Listen to what your fiance have to say, then reply by saying, "I don't feel like I mean much to you because of the ring you gave me, not because of how much the ring cost or anything, but because it's not a ring that I want and it does not make me feel special or show how much I mean to you." I'm sure he would understand. If he thinks poorly of you for saying that, then I'm not sure he is the right guy for you to spend a life time with.  

Answer 20

I think maybe you are more mad at yourself for choosing a ring you actually don't like.  It seems you had plenty of opportunity to state what you like and choose what you like.  Why is it you got something different?  Maybe this is just about your need to start speaking up for yourself.  I wouldn't worry about the money side of it.  Money doesn't equal how much we love, and I can tell you know that.  

Answer 21

i think i understand where you are coming from. You are worried that if he is being selfish this time what makes you think he wont be selfish with you in the future.(ie.spending more on his bachelor party in vegas than your engagment ring) Since he makes good money and money is not an obstacle you wanted him to show his sincerity and sacrifice in something else..perhaps in attention to detail.

I think the best thing to do is talk with him..try not to let the conversation get out of hand or turn into an argument.

But tell him that its not really what you wanted. See how he reacts.

I think that you need to see how he handles your feelings and if he is willing to do whatever to make you happy. Im not talking materialistically speaking either...rather..if he is interested in how you feel and what you want instead of what he thinks is best.

Communication is key here and its not easy to bring these kind of things up. thats why so many marriages fail. Think about what you want to say and how u feel and then bring this up to him.

Noitall: obviously you dont know it all...the underlying issue here isnt a ring. Its the fact her fiance isnt listening to her wants. This can become a habit and ruin a marriage!

EDIT:

Boofane: She did write : 'When we went to a custom jeweler, I REALLY liked this one ring, and it was really different.'

She said "WE" .They went together. So im assuming that when she saw the ring she wanted, she didnt keep it to herself. Im pretty much betting she told him...ooh i like this one! It would be silly to assume they went ring shopping, she saw one she liked and kept it to herself. :P

EDIT:

Bafoon: im glad you are basing this on your "own personal experience/opinion " but this isn't about you and neither was my response since i wasnt writing to you or anything concerning you. its nice that your engagement ring means nothing to you ...but i didnt ask nor do i care..and as a side note i do not love nor hate you you are just a stranger with fat fingers.

Answer 22

I don't understand the whole part about picking out your own engagement ring... what for? To be flashy & show off?  It doesn't really matter what kind of engagement ring he gives you... it's supposed to mean something more, it's supposed to be a promise that he will be faithful and that he wants to spend his life with you - it's a symbol... not a material object you want to show off with your gal friends and compare how expensive was one than the other...

In my opinion, an engagement ring is really a symbol - a promise from the man who loves you... and it should be a surprise cus it'll be the greatest moment of your life when he proposes and gives you his promise... For those girls who pick out their own engagement ring, the surprise is gone... it becomes an anticipation and you're left wondering when your man will propose...

I love how my man proposed... I never expected it... and even if he just gave me a small ring, it would mean a lot to me because it is his promise that's important...  

Although, my man has good tastes getting me a Tiffany Novo 3/4 carat platinum ring... I still wouldn't mind at all if he gave me a small solitaire ring...

So don't think so much about it... make up and get a really nice wedding band instead... or a European honeymoon... or that house you've always wanted... there's more to it than an expensive engagement ring...

Answer 23

Think about what this says about your whole relationship.

You for some reason aren't able to express what you truly want.

He doesn't listen even when you do.

You feel he's not giving you enough.

He doesn't realize he needs to give you more.

This isn't about a ring, it's about your relationship. Time for pre-wedding therapy or you're going to end up divorced.

I know it sounds harsh and very unromantic in the wedding section, but these are things to think about before you commit to someone for the rest of your life.

Answer 24

your not awful. being that you provided the most expensive part of the ring you should have gotten what you wanted. but the thing with guys is you have to be very up front and saying things several times before they (usually) remember. so if you the type that one mentioned you didn't like thin bands once, he may not have caught it, or maybe you didn't express that you loved the first ring well enough... either way you now have a ring you don't like. you need to tell him its not your style. explain you love the "hard work" he put into it, but its not something you could see yourself wearing FOREVER. then if you get to go with him to exchange it....pick what you really want! I'm telling you if you don't speak up you will always be unhappy. better to say something while its still new!