Should my friend tell her son that the father who abandoned him was given death penalty from diff. country?

Question

When she divorced, her ex husband left to another country and basically abandoned his child. The child had no contact with him what so ever, the father never called or anything. It has been over 17 years since he last seen his father. Now the son is 19yrs. The mother found out from a friend that her ex husband had been arrested for drug trafficking in another country and has rec'd the death penalty. She and her husband (the one that has raised him since he was 5yrs) decided not to tell their son that his biologically father will die from the death penalty. However, everyone from the mother side is upset b/c they think that the son should at least meet his father for the first time and last time. However, the mother and stepfather believe that it will not accomplish anything except cause pain to the son b/c they think it will be unfair that he meets his real dad, then the real dad dies. It's not like they would be able to create a bond or relationship. What is ur opinion? The parents do plan on telling the boy that his father has passed away from the death sentence only after he has been executed. They will say they didn't know anything until after the execution.

Answer 1

Even tho the son is a legal adult, 19 is not very old. There isn't a whole lot of life experience at 19. (I had my first son at 19 and looking back I realize what a bone head I actually was!) Anyway, the parents are still responsible for doing what they feel is best for the son - if the stepfather took responsibility for this guy for all these years, he IS the father. Plain and simple. They know their son best and I'm sure they have agonized over their decision. I would probably tell my son beforehand - at least let him know what I found out - but I wouldn't even bring up the idea of going to see the bio "father". From his own choices he is not a positive influence on the son - he abandoned his son, moved to another country, never saw his son for the majority of his life, and is now facing the ultimate consequences for his drug trafficking choices. What could this guy bring to the son's life but heartache and misery?

This kid has done just fine with the loving parents he's had - and without this guy in his life. His parents are making the decision they feel is best - and at some point in his life, the son will realize how much better off he was having a real man raise him...and I sincerely hope he expresses his gratitude to his stepfather. The bio dad clearly did him a favor by leaving so long ago - even if it doesn't feel like it to the son sometimes.

Good luck to them - I hope it all works out for the best!

Answer 2

I think that he should at least be told about his bio father.  He may choose  to do nothing at all, but at least he will have the chance before it is too late.  If he were younger, then I would consider keeping it quiet, but he is of age and should be mature enough to be told. No matter what the decision, I wouldn't lie to him.  

Answer 3

I wouldn't tell him unless he asks about his dad.  Has he ever wondered about his dad?  Or is he happy to accept his stepfather as his dad?

It really does depend on whether the son has ever expressed interest in knowing his dad I think.

Just my opinion - it's not something I have ever had to face, and I wish them the best of luck.  This is a tough one.

Answer 4

In all honesty they shouldn't lie to him about it, but I do understand why they want to.

Its a really hard subject and its for his parents to decide in the end, they are doing what they think is right, which is what we all do even if others think it's wrong.

They could ask him before his father is killed, but it doesn't seem like they want to.

Answer 5

At 19 years old, he is a MAN.

Tell him EVERYTHING.  Every little detail.  He has the right to know, and the right to choose for himself whether or not to go visit his father before his death.  In fact, he should be encouraged to visit his father, if indeed his father would like to see him.  His father's absence or criminal background really has nothing to do with this decision.  The past is the past.  What has happened happened.  That past cannot be changed, but choices now can affect the future.  The facts are:  he has a father that he has never met and looked in the eyes.  He is an adult and a man and has a right to know every little detail.  And this is reality; a fact of life.  If I had a chance to meet my birth father (I am adopted) I would want to, no matter what his history or background is, and no matter how old I am.  10 or 20 or 30 years old, age does not matter.  I would want to meet him.  I still have not been able to meet my birth parents and I'm not in my 30s.  I have not been able to track them down nor do I know how to track them down.  Imagine if I find out that I had a chance to meet them, but nobody told me that they were going to die, and they told me after they were dead.  I'd be very pissed off!  *Very*  They are my parent, I CHOOSE whether or not to meet them.

Look at the positive side of things... his father seems to have done the right thing by leaving and not contacting him... because perhaps he has deep issues that he did not want to pass onto his children, so he left and never came back.  Maybe he has seen others go through divorce battles over children, and just could not bring himself to inflict the same on his children.  Who knows.  Maybe he's just a horrible guy... it doesn't matter.

Look at it another way.  I had a friend who was dying of cancer (and her cancer treatment -- which really finished her off).  I spend as much time as I could with her until she passed away.  I would never ever want to give up that time I had with her.  If his father was dying of cancer instead of a execution, would that make a difference?

Answer 6

the question is best left to the mother & child.

Answer 7

I believe that your friend should sit her son down and explain to him that his biological father has received the death sentence in another country and why. Then she should give him the opportunity to decide whether or not he wants to meet him, due to the death penalty no he will not be able to form a lasting bond with him but he needs to be given the choice on whether he wants to meet him. If she tells him after the fact and tells him that they didn't know about the death penalty and someone lets it slip then he may never forgive them for not giving him the chance to meet him and the opportunity to say good bye.

Answer 8

The son needs to be told now, what has happened. He's a man, not a little boy, & should be able to make his own decisions, where his real father is concerned. The son needs to know what his dad did & if he wishes to see his dad, then his mom & step dad should oblige him & let him see his dad. There are just some times in life when parents have to put the son's well being first. I guarantee you, that if the son is not afforded the time to be able to see his dad of that's what he wishes, then he will be an angry man for years & will resent both his mother & step father, for not letting him make his own choice where his dad is concerned. Maybe his seeing his dad will bring closure in his life. I agree with your friend's family, the son should be told, then the family should all be there for him.

Answer 9

I personally don't think they should allow him to see him. Although he does need to be told what is going on. It is the idea of meeting him and not being able to create a bond or relationship that will hurt this boy.  I met my mother for the first time when I was 16. Less than a year later, she was brutally murdered. After that, for a while I felt like it was my fault because if I would have got to know her, I could have saved her. I know this boy has different circumstances, but I still would not allow him to meet his biological father. I believe just meeting him will cause the boy a lot of unneeded emotional issues.

Answer 10

you should tell them when there old enough to understand

Answer 11

I think the son should be allowed to see his Biological Father, but given the choice. If he doesn't want to, then he doesn't have to, a photo and conversation with his mom might work just as well. 19 years old is old enough to understand the situation, but only to a point. He is still a kid in some ways and it might hurt him. Also no matter how old you are, its still a tough call. It should be explained that he won't end up like his Biological Dad. I also think that the father should be allowed to see his son before he dies. They both might have some questions or emotions that need to be sorted out.

That's my opinion anyways.

Answer 12

This is a tough situation

If I was your friend I would tell the son that his father has received the death sentence and allow him to make the choice to see him or not.

I would let him know that his father is a bad man, who made alot of bad decisions and probably will not want to see his son.

If the son really wants to meet his father he should be given the option. You said the son is 19 years old, 19 is old enough to understand what he is getting himself into.

Lying would just make the situation worse because your friend would probably feel guilty about it after and the son may figure out that he was lied to and be upset with his mother for lying

Answer 13

19 yrs is old enough to deal with this issue. Tell him and let him decide whether he wants to meet his biological male parent ( i didn't say father because that man was not his father, the one who raised him from 5 yrs old is his FATHER) Do not make a huge deal of it, do not force him to make a decision right away. Just tell him

straight out what happened, and tell him you are there to talk about any questions he has and to help him with whatever actions he wants to take now.

I just want to re-iterate that the man on death penalty is not the boys FATHER! he just happens to be related bioligically as a parent, but he in no way acted like a father! so using the words "your 'father' is on death row" or "you should go visit your father", is utterly rediculous. It implies that this boy owes that man something as a son, and he really really does not! If he decides to see him thats ok, but calling him the boys father may put a certain amount of expectation on the whole incident and make the boy feel pressured into seeing a guy he OBVIOUSLY can live without because he has thus far. If it was me I would refer to him as the ex-husband or bioligical parent.

The boys REAL DAD is the one who REALLY raised him, the step-father!

Answer 14

Tell him the truth, now.  

He is an adult and can make decisions for himself.  Every deception from the parent can destroy the familial bond.

It is strange that I read this question now as tonight I was talking to a friend whose father had been sentenced to death but never executed.  He just recently died in prison and my friend is experiencing much emotional turmoil in response as she had stopped writing to him many years ago.  She was also shocked to learn that no family had claimed the body as she believed that he remained close to her 1/2 siblings.  The prison had no knowledge of how to contact her or any of the decedent's children because nobody had contacted him in those many years.

Answer 15

I think the kid should at least know and have a chance to decide whether or not he wants to meet him before it's too late...I have seen grown men with a void in their lives because they never got to meet their real father.  It will give him some closure so he can be at peace with it if that's what he chooses to do....plus, if he finds out that they kept it from him when he might have had a chance to meet him, he would probably be pretty angry and hold a grudge against both parents..

Answer 16

Lies have a way of coming back to bite people. People never appreciate being lied to about their origins and parents. If the son is 19 he's old enough to make his choices about these things and he should decide. Maybe he has issues about his bio-dad and needs some closure.