Should my son repeat Kindergarten?

Question

My son was 4 when he started (5 on 12/27). I was a little worried about him at first, but he seemed to enjoy it so I felt like the decision to start him was correct. By mid-year I started to notice that he didn't seem to be "getting it". I contacted his teacher, he started extra help and based on his recent assessment scores as compared to his early ones, he's starting to catch up, although still a little behind most of his class. Now the problem. My ex and his wife didn't want to start him this year, but as the custodial parent I made the choice to. I found out that he had gone to my son's school & discussed with his teacher & the principal about leaving him back. I was furious to find out that this had been done behind my back as I have always included my son's father in every decision to be made. I insisted on a second meeting, where, while both the teacher and principal agreed he was behind a lot of his class, that he wasn't outside of what would be considered normal.

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Answer 1

I think it would be helpful in the long run if you let him repeat the grade.  Despite the studies you refer to, in my humble opinion I think:

1.  He is so young that there wont be a social stigma to holding him back, none of the kids will remember as they grow up.

2. Do you really want him to struggle his whole academic life?

Remember, this is about what is best for YOUR CHILD.  I would think what is best, is not to see him struggle to keep up.

Answer 2

Hello,

I am an elementary school teacher and have dealt with retentions in my own classroom. I don't teach kindergarten, but have taught both primary and intermediate grades.

First of all, I'm sorry for everything you're dealing with-what a frustrating situation. It's hard when you want to be on the same page and do the best thing for your son, but issues are in the way.

In my own experience, IF  a child needs to be retained, kindergarten is the time to do it. I'm not saying that this is the case for your son, but at a young age there is much less of a stigma. As for negative repercussions-it might be a loss in some self-esteem, and he might not need the extra time to mature.

However, if he does need it, and would benefit from being held back...maybe he would benefit. Sometimes kids need a little more time to grow and develop, and being older/the top of the class can be a boost of self-esteem, for many years to come. Also being put ahead while young might not be as big of a difference in early years, but it can definitely be felt ,in those awkward middle school ones.

I'm not advocating for either side, just wanting to give a fresh perspective. I would listen to your son's teacher-she's with him more than anyone else in his educational setting, and the the principal. Also listen to your son-does he have good friends at school? Is he adjusted socially? Where are his academic hangups? What does HE want?

I wish you the best of luck with your decisions!

Answer 3

WOW. I CAN'T believe that he was allowed to start school so young! Pre-K I could see but that's way too early for kindergarten! My state (ND) and most others I know of, don't allow kids to start until they ARE 5 with the cut-off point being just a few days to a week after school has begun.

If you thought he was academically ready, that's one thing. But have you considered whether or not your child was SOCIALLY ready to enter school so young? I would definitely hold him back at this point, especially since he did have issues and was behind the rest of his class. That should have been a major red flag for you right there. I have known MANY kids to repeat a grade, and there is no shameful feelings. I actually asked my daughter if kids in her class tease the ones that get held back and she said NO and seemed offended I would ask such a thing! My english professor held his son back and never regretted it for one minute. He was smart enough for school, but he felt his son wasn't ready. If there's any part of you that thinks he would benefit from an extra year of kindergarten, by all means hold him back.

And really, your ex has all the right in the world to talk to the school about HIS son. If he was the step-dad I wouldn't take that position. But he is a parent and has the right to inquire about his son's education.

It sounds as though you've already made up your mind on what YOU want to do, so I'm not sure about the post~~maybe to vent?

EDIT~~well, it's nice to see that you have calmed down over night. I'm not saying that you should let your ex decide your child's future 100%, but he definitely deserves the right to discuss options with teachers too. You said he was "a lot behind" which is my main reason for thinking he should repeat kindergarten. This is the perfect time to do it~~he would be with a new group of kids so there wouldn't be teasing.

Let's say you let him go to 1st grade~~there is a crazy amount of homework in 1st grade these days! My daughter just completed first grade. She went through kindergarten with NO issues and was ahead of her class. 1st grade, half way through seemed to throw her for a whirl. There was a lot of math and spelling homework to do in addition to reading every day. She faltered to the lower end of the A spectrum for a quarter, but brought her grades back up after that. First grade is just a lot more difficult than kindergarten which you need to consider.

As for links, I don't get my info from any links. It's all from common sense, experience and from kids who have been held back and their parents I know that have held them back.

I understand your point of not wanting to hold him back too though. My husband's cousin held her daughter back in 2nd grade last year. I'm not sure why as it wasn't due to grades, but her mom wanted to so she did. Apparently while the girl was so mad about it to start with, she also did way better the second time through so maybe it was a social thing. OH~that english professor I mentioned earlier? It worked great for his son to be held back. My daughter was due to start kindergarten and he kept telling me I should hold her back too which infuriated me. Just because it's right for one doesn't mean it's right for all. And there's one mom I know that starts her kids when they're 6 instead of 5~~not sure what kind of advantage she thinks that gives them.

At any rate, I wasn't trying to come down on you, I'm sorry if I came across that way. I just believe both parents should have a say in their child's education (when possible). I also firmly believe as parents we need to do what's best for our children~~if that means you hold your son back, ok and if it means he goes on to first grade this fall, that's great too! As long as his best interest is in mind.

On that note, I'm off my soap-box, but will edit again if I see more notes to me.

~Crazymama~

Answer 4

Unfortunately, I don't think that anyone on here can answer your question.     I think that this is one you're really gonna have to wrestle with (which is what you're doing) and ultimately decide what is best and stick with your decision.     Don't let anyone second guess your opinion.    It's really hard to know what is best for your child, but you are the primary caregiver and will know best what his abilities are and whether you are able and willing to help him succeed in his education.      

At least your son's dad is interested in seein him excel.      Let your frustration with his actions go.   It won't do you any good to dwell on it and will only cloud your judgment.   (BTW, I'd be irritated too).  

I think that he was a little young to have started school.    Where I live, the child must be 5 before July in order to start school.    Most teachers that I know agree that it's better for boys, especially, to start later than earlier since boys tend to develop slower emotionally.    

If you choose for your child to repeat kindergarten, it wouldn't be as hard on him than if he were forced to repeat a 3rd or 4th grade.     At this age, the majority of the kids wouldn't notice.  

However, if I were you, I would have a long talk with the principal and the kindergarten teacher to find out what areas he was struggling with.    I would then work with him all summer long so that he has mastered the skills.    A lot of kids lose so much over the summer break from school.    If you were then comfortable with the progress, he could start 1st grade when time.      Buy some flash cards and some workbooks for your son to work with daily over the summer.    There's also a website, abcya.com that's full of fun activities for grades K-6.      My 6 year old loves it.  

Good luck.    I know it's not easy.

Answer 5

My opinion is that if he is already a little bit behind, what happens later? As school gets harder for him, he will get farther behind.

Weigh all of the information without considering where it came from--your ex and his wife.

You have to make the best decision for your child.

Answer 6

ok what is best for the kid  ?  that should be the main deal here not your ex and his wife. sounds like too me u are still in love with your ex.

Answer 7

holding him back could cause emotional stress when he realizes he repeated a grade when he is older. I would say when he is in first grade tutor him more.

Answer 8

okay I have read all your edits and going by them you already have made up your mind. So why ask?

Answer 9

Well, I do believe that every child is different and is ready for school at certain times.  I love our schools here because the kindergarten program is a two year progam designed to meet the needs of kids who benefit would benefit from that extra year.  It's not required.  Some of the kids go on to first grade after the first year.

But kindergarten is really the foundation or the base for learning and I think, if it were my son, I would want him to feel confidant with the kindergarten material before going to the next grade.  If you feel confidant that he knows everything he needs to know and the teacher agrees I don't see why you would need to hold him back.

Answer 10

have you considered a summer school program? maybe you could try something like that and then reevaluate him after the summer. Plus with the vacation period he might forget what he learned the previous year so some extra help just might be ur answer.

I just went on the Sylvan Learning Center website and they seem to have some great programs. http://tutoring.sylvanlearning.com/tutor...

Answer 11

You seem very strongly opposed to leaving him back, so I don't really see that you should do it. However I would think if you ever need to do it Kindergarten is the time. I have a friend who did this with great results, but it was recommended by the teacher.  If they think he'll be okay with extra work you should do that. You may also need to do extra work with him in 1st grade, 2nd, etc.

Answer 12

no don't kee your son back i know these triplets one got held back and know ones in kndg. and other two in 1st but people will probally mke fun of them believe me i hear people do that know a days!!

Answer 13

If there is any question at all have him repeat it. At this age it would only be a positive thing. If you let him continue and he falls behind it will be a lot harder for him to be held back later.

I had a September birthday so I was sent at the age of 4 and was simply not ready for school. My parents sent me ahead to first grade but held me back to repeat it. I can't tell you what a difference that year made. I went from hating school to loving it. I went from feeling like the dumbest kid in class to being one of the smartest.  It did alot for my self esteem.

This might sound crazy but I sometimes wander how my life would of been different if my parents hadn't decided to hold me back. Would I have continued to hate school and become a high school drop out instead of a college graduate?

I have a daughter who was born on Aug. 30th, according to my state rules I can send her to kindergarten at the age of 4 as long as she turns 5 before Aug. 31st but I am definitely holding her back.  I

Answer 14

Wow.If you had been in Illinois he would not have been allowed to start.You have to be 5 by sometime in September and even than parents are keeping their kids back until 6.I would probably keep him back in kindergarten another year.If he's behind alot of his class it's not going to hurt him but give him extra time to learn all the things he needs to know.You don't want him to start feeling pressure from not keeping up with everyone else.

I kept my 11 year old back in 2nd grade and never regretted it one day.

Answer 15

Well you should hold him back a year because boys aren't as mature as girls, and that is what my brothers did and they are like the head of the class now.

Answer 16

if the principle and teacher thought he wasn't outside of what would be considered normal then he should be ok to start grade 1 in the fall.  to get him caught up  to the rest of his classmates you could help him with those subjects that need working on during the summer.  if you feel by the end of summer that he has not caught up enough then you can make that final decision when the time comes.

Answer 17

I too have a daughter who started  school early.Its not fair that your son shld. suffer and go thru kinder all over again.It's like wasting 1 year of his  life. He'll be teased and it will be on his record the rest of his life. even if his grades are not that good, as long as he passes. It's just kinder, not college. Children shld have fun and play at this age. don't let him repeat kinder.

Answer 18

My younger cousin repeated kindergarten and it was great for him, he had more confidence, more friends ,and now he is the oldest and tallest in his class. Make the decision based on your sons personality. Express to your ex that you have included him on all the decisions and it was disrespectful of him to proceed without you - you and he are the parents of the child.

Answer 19

You need to get over your furious state.  You two don't live together.  Get over it.  I think you are pushing, but it is between you, his father and the teacher.

My sister also started younger than everybody else, but she never had kindergarten.  She was AHEAD of all the kids older than her as I taught her to read before she went to school.  As a result, the earlier entry wasn't an issue.  Boys tend to mature just a little slower and forcing him to struggle early on isn't doing him a favor.

Answer 20

First off, repeating kindergarten is the best time to do it because the new class coming in doesn't know anyone and so it's less stigmatizing.  It's also easier to retain boys than girls because it's harder on girls when they hit puberty ahead of their peers.  Boys mature less quickly and it could be hard on your son in five years when he's the smallest one.  You'll have to consider his personality in making the decision.  If you decide to go ahead, but then need to retain at some point in the future (first or second grade) it'll be a lot harder emotionally and socially on your son.  I usually handle retentions by telling the kids that they just need extra time to practice and they'll have a chance to have a new teacher and see what new things they can learn.

That said, discuss with your ex. and his wife how inappropriate it is for them to talk to the school without you and how you need to be able to openly discuss your son and both be present so you're hearing the same things from the school.  

If neither the teacher or principal think retention is a good possibility, then just spend the summer working with your child.  Ask your ex to respect their professional opinions and agree to help your child progress academically over the summer.  Ask the teacher/principal if they think there's a possiblity of a learning disability.  (If yes, get a diagnosis and go straight to specialized help.)  If not, then buy a "Summer Bridge" workbook to work on with your child or seek out a Score or Kumon tutoring center.  I'd also recommend going to the library at least once a week - check out special story times or reading incentive programs.  Read aloud to your child each night, but allow your child to pick books he likes - even if you think they're too easy.  You're trying to work on increasing enjoyment of books.  If your child makes more than 5 mistakes reading a couple of sentences on the page, it's too difficult a book to read independently and you should either read it together or direct your child to an easier book.