Should only people who can stay home with their children full time (minus school) adopt?

Question

Babysitter, nanny, daycare? (All the same.)

Answer 1

Some people have no other choice but to place their children in care.

My a-mum HAD to - as my a-father died before my 1st b'day - and she had to return to full time work for the following 16 years.

My personal experience - I hated it - I found it extremely hard going - I had major separation anxiety - I had major rejection & self esteem issues - all which started from my relinquishment - but were then compounded by being passed around in different care situations.

My new mother should have been my main care giver - but instead - I was passed around to many.

No - my a-mum couldn't help the situation - that's what life handed us - but when prospective adoptive parents adopt - knowing that they will then place their adoptee in full-time care with others - I find that very sad - and I feel greatly for the adoptee.

Personally - I think that adoptees need all the attention that they can get - and the best attention they can get is from the parents that have decided to adopt them.

They started life with less than ideal circumstances - they would benefit greatly from having parents that are front and centre in their lives.

My personal experience - hence my personal opinion.

Just putting it out there for people to be aware.

No - it may not affect other adoptees the same way - but it affected me - and I know I am not alone.

Answer 2

no, every ones situations are different. And what would be the difference in school  or work, you'd still be away from the child. I am personally a stay at home adoptive mom, but that is our choice. If an adoptive parent chooses to work, that is their personal choice. just like a bio parent.,,,,,,I would like to give Isabell a star.   I totally agree with her answer.

Answer 3

No...if you have the desire and resources to adopt...you should.  As long as you can provide a loving and stable home.  You need to make sure you have time to deal with emotional issues alot of adoptees have.  Single parents are just as strong as two parents together.  My husband and I would adopt in a second if we had the money to do it.

Answer 4

I would give anything to stay home with my daughter, her father took away that dream when he left us to father more children with his new woman.

Should people not adopt unless they can stay home? I would have to say they shouldn't. While my daughter does enjoy daycare and is learning there I feel I am more in tune with her needs and would be more able to teach her in a way geared towards her learning style, she is "special". There are plenty of ways to ensure a child is given adequate social interaction with their peers without having them in childcare all day so I don't buy that one either, I have a ton of friends who claim that is their reason for using a daycare.  All in all I think that adoption has enough extra hurdles for a family to overcome, why add so much time away from their new mom and dad into the mix?

Answer 5

ABSOLUTELY NOT!  I could get sued, fired and lose my license for denying someone based on whether or not they were going to be SAHM (or Ds) and rightfully so.

They do have to show me a solid daycare plan (not set in stone, but show that they are considering options that are suitable)

I think you should be prepared to take time off to help with the bonding process, just as if you gave birth.  If you adopt an older child, you may need more time for the bonding process.

It concerns me when people appear to think their lives won't change at all and I address that, work changes when you have a child.

I am lucky enough to work from home...in today's economy not everyone will be able to and not everyone will choose to if they could...doesn't make them bad parents.

Now in an infant adoption where it is voluntary, I think the birth mom should be able to state her preference and have input.

Answer 6

People who have the love in their hearts for a child and who can provide that child with a wonderful life should adopt.

Answer 7

No, that's ridiculous.

Answer 8

This is one of those questions that ends up in a fight so often...  My answer has always been the same---I don't pay other people to do my job.... I might hire someone to clean my floors---but, not CARE for my children.... A music teacher Yep....but, not a substitute mom....

It was hard when I was a young mom and financially struggled--but, even then my kids didn't spend their whole day with other people..... I would NOT have adopted children had I not been in a position to stay home and be a mother.....

Answer 9

No.  That makes no sense.  Each couple makes a choice whether they will be both working or one stay at home parent or not.  In Canada you get 35 weeks parental leave on EI (55% of your wage or top up 100% if you are gov) and my husband will be taking that.  After that it depends on finances and child development needs.

Seriously, thumbs down on this?  Um our kids will be 4,5, & 6, so if we decide to work it will allow flexibility for the kids and we can structure it so they are in daycare only a few hours per day while we come home from work.  Shocked by the thumbs down, that people think this is all or nothing.

Answer 10

i try not to judge others on this.  but personally i'd love to be the one home full time with our child.  it's just not how it happened to work out at this moment.   but schedules can be changed and hours lowered in places.  so i work days and hubby works nights.  our child is in an in home daycare for only 4 hours a day 3 days a week. and sometimes only 2 days a week.  before she was a toddler that time was much less and spent with grandparents when our work schedules overlapped.  

she loves going to daycare with the other kids there.  there's only 3 other kids there.  at her age i find it to be an important socialization time for her.  she runs in the door smiling every day yelling for one of the kids and the older kids yelling and happy she's there.  i have not once left her there crying or once had her tell me no when i say it's time to go. and she's at an age where she tells me no a lot, lol.  

but sometimes things happen.  especially unforeseen medical issues that come with bills that need to be paid.   neither hubby or i could have foreseen these issues that had to be taken care of.  and i personally find a few hours a day a few days a week playing with her friends to be better than not having a home at all.   these unforeseen bills need to be paid the same way our mortage and utilities need to be.  

i wish these medical instances didn't happen and i hope once i'm able to stay home full time that i don't judge someone for taking care of their family the only way they see possible.  and if they'd like to pay off my medical bills i'd be happy to stay home full time right now.

i feel like the 8-12 hrs a week she spends playing and enjoying kids her age and learning to share and take turns is as important as all the time she spends at home with daddy and mommy.

Answer 11

I can't say what I think someone SHOULD do and what works for others, but for us I know that having my husband home has been awesome!!!

There are endless learning possibilities when you're not tied to a work schedule. If they want to get up and go to the aquarium or the arboretum they just get in the truck and go.  We enjoy Church Sundays, Wednesdays and other events and both of my kids have made good friends there and get tons of elective social interaction. It's not forced, but rather their choice, who they want to associate with.

5 years ago I probably wouldn't have realized the value of a stay at home parent. It's been priceless for us.

Answer 12

No this is silly IMO. Someone who wants to have a family via adoption may also want to have a career as well.  Some couples today can just not afford to have one person in the home working full time.  Now if someone can stay home with the kids that’s great, but that is not reality for a lot of people.

I see nothing wrong with daycare in fact I think kids so go to some sort of day care to interact with other children. You don’t have to have kid in it all day, it could be 1 or 2 days a week. When my younger cousin turned 3 he started going to day care twice a week, only for the mornings.

Answer 13

I think there needs to be a balance here.  In today's day and age, a "normal" American family needs two working parents to function.  So expecting one parent to be a full time stay-at-home mom/dad isn't very realistic for every family.

That said, when you have children (biologial or adoptive) adjustments need to be made.  The child doesn't enter your life on a Saturday and you go back to work on a Monday, same as before.  Having children changes every aspect of your life, your career is no different.  

Ideally, when a 2 working full time parent household either adopts or has a biological child, one parent should cut back on the hours.  Children need their parents.  But by the same token, I don't think a few hours a week at daycare does harm.  There are some benefits, like social skills, that are learned in a daycare setting.  

BTW, I don't see why adoption is singled out here.  I've seen response that "daycare is bad" or "children need a parent, not a nanny".  These statements would apply to bio children or adoptive children.

Answer 14

I believe that parents should be with their children, adopted or not. A child needs his/her parent, not a full time nanny. These are my beliefs.

No, I don't think that if people are looking into adoption they should both be working full time and push their new adopted child off onto a nanny or daycare. I think that adds to the separation issues that can be in effect for some adoptees.

I know it did for me.

I advocate against it if at all possible.

I do want to say that some of my friends who had kids young, had to have daycare, it was the ONLY way for them to make it. I understand its not always possible to keep a child out of daycare, but I don't think planning on daycare is something AP's should do when adopting.

Some agencies require the AP ( one of them ) to be home with the child for a certain period after adoption, even up to a year or more.

Sweden pays for both parents to stay home for an entire year after the birth of a child.

Answer 15

No.  While I wish that I could stay home with my child, the reality is that I cannot.  My son has a medical disorder and both my husband and I must work to pay for medical expenses not covered by insurance as well as other programs that we feel he needs.  Does that mean we should not have adopted?  I do not believe so.

I will admit, however, that when we brought our son home, I felt it was important to bond with him.  I reduced my work schedule so that my husband was home with our son in the morning and I was home in the afternoon/evening.  This allowed for our son to bond with just us rather than a sitter while he was young.  It was the best scenario for us and our family.

We felt that for our son putting him in daycare at the age of 18 months would help with his development especially since there was/is a concern with his medical disorder that he may have developmental delays.  It was one of the best things we have done for him.  I do not regret the choice to do that.

Just my opinion.

Answer 16

My amom stayed home with us.  I was glad to have her there when we got home.

It's easy to say that anyone can be born into a home where...(fill in the blank.)  But, with adoption, there is an attempt to make sure that some of the less desirable attributes that could fill that blank don't occur.  

That said, I agree with Samone.  If it's possible for the child to have a parent at home, I think it's best.  One of the main reasons unmarried girls have been prompted to relinquish their babies has been that the child should have a two-parent family.  

Obviously, people die young and couples divorce, but this cannot be pre-determined.

Answer 17

Adopted or not, I'm very strong in my opinon that one parent should stay home to watch the kids. There will come a time when the child is in school to have a career. It's not when you have a baby or preschooler.

With the cost of daycare, the additional income brought in by the secondary parent is more or less useless. The time is much better spent with the child.

I love being with my children & count myself fortunate to do so. I didn't have my children to have someone else raise them in daycare. I don't want to hear from someone else that my child took her first steps, or said her first word. I want to be there to see it & experience it for myself.

There are really very few parents that can't afford to have one parent home. I've even seen many couples work things so that they work opposing shifts & one of the parents is always there for the child.

ETA:Your right, there are some situations were it's simply not possible, ie, single parents, but ideally, there should always be a parent home to stay with the children. A perfect example is a young mother who needs to finish her education in order to make a life for herself & her child.

Answer 18

I am a stay at home mom.....but I also kept my hospital employment and work only every other weekend.

I enjoy being home....we decided because of dd 's medical issues to school at home until she is healthier. I enjoy every minute of being with her. I marvel at watching her excitement when she learns something new.

I think having a parent at home is good for the children. France allows payments to mother's so they can stay home. I acknowledge being a stay at home mom may not be what some parents want.....however I think EVERY parent should have the right too....yes the RIGHT.

Answer 19

Should only people who can stay home with their children full time (regardless) give birth?

Answer 20

The agency I used actually requires at least 1 parent to be at home with the newborn for at least 6 months.  It is for bonding reasons.

Answer 21

There are differences between adopted and bio kids. There are specific attachment and trust issues for adoptees that make them more likely to be sensitive to feeling abandoned. Adoptive parents have to be aware of this and act accordingly.

Why would people spend $30-50,000 on a baby only to leave him or her in full time care right away so they can go back to full time work? When it isn't an accident, when you have spent years TTC and then filling out adoption paperwork, going on with your schedule as if nothing has changed makes no sense. At that point, it does seem to be more about wanting to acquire a certain lifestyle.

If you want to be a parent, that requires actually spending time with a child. Having a Hallmark photo of your family on your desk at work is not the same thing as parenting.

Answer 22

I think ideally a parent should stay home with the kids (bio OR adopted), but that's not always possible.  As long as the kids are safely taken care of and the parents spend quality time with them as often as they can,.then parents can work if they have to

Regarding your question:  Why should it be different for adoptive parents than biological parents?

Answer 23

I try not to judge other people for their choices.  Really, its none of my business iif someone wants to adopt a child and have someone else care for them for most of their waking hours.  it doesn't make sense to me but I try not to judge.

Personally, I didn't have my kids so they could be raised by someone else.

I decided long ago that if I couldn't stay home with my children, I wouldn't have any.

Shocking, I know, but true.

If I adopted a child down the road, I would make sure I would be able to stay home with them at least until they are school age.  I think children need that kind of stability and really, what's the point of having children if you are not going to be around them?

I'm not saying my choices are right for everyone, but they are right for me.

Answer 24

So children can stay in foster care rather than a good home just because the Mom works? That doesnt seem too good.

I think you have your own agenda - Moms should stay home with the kids- well, its not your world and some Mom's are actually better Mom's when they work. You can do what you want - why not allow everyone else to do the same?

Answer 25

Not a fan of daycare in general.  But really opposed to institutional care for little adoptees.  

A child in daycare for 9-10 hours a day x 5 days a week minus the child sleeping = more time with daycare providers than the parent (s).

Answer 26

i wouldn't have kids if i was going to put them in daycare.

i found a way to work from home, for myself, and i make a great living.

when i have kids, i will be here, although i will work a lot less than i do now.