Should potential adoptive parents be in the delivery room?

Question

Very often, I read birth stories of adoptive parents being in the delivery room; and some adoptive parents even being disappointed when they are not allowed. Understanding that the adoptive parents are excited about the impending adoption, I do think that there is a degree of autonomy due to the birth mother, that's often marginalized. I've heard of aparents taking pictures and video of the birth, having the husband cut the cord, or even asking other family members to come in.

So what do you all think? Should they or shouldn't they?

Answer 1

Birth mother should choice...

If i was giving my baby away, I would want at him for an hour or so. Not having to be pressured into letting the people who are going to be taking him away to hold him... But that's just me.

Answer 2

I think that if the birth mother wants to share all that with them, then its ok. I mean they can't be there against her will, so  I dont' see it as an issue.

Answer 3

No.  The idea turns my stomach.

Pre-birth matches should be banned - it is inherently coercive.  No pre-birth matches = no strangers pawing a poor confused baby when he/she is coping with transitioning to life outside of mommie.

Answer 4

I agree that it is up to the birth mother.  When my son was born the birth mother invited us into the delivery room.  We stood in the corner and tried not to get in anyone's way.  After the delivery, the birth mother and birth grandmother teased us that we looked like a couple of deer in the headlights.

Answer 5

I think that's got to be up to the birth mother. It's what SHE is comfortable with that matters, not what anybody else wants.

When our friend wanted my wife and I to adopt her child she asked us to be in the delivery room with her, and she asked me to cut the cord, but I told her that I felt really weird about it. That's just not something I was comfortable with.

Oh, and I don't like the idea of having a camera in there either.

Answer 6

I was lucky enough to be able to be there when my son was born.

It created in me a life long vocation, not just to be a parent, but to eventually become a doula.

My son's mom had NO other support, her parents didn't want to be there, and her friends mostly evaporated when she became pregnant.

I was Intensely conscious that I was there to support HER, to help her have the best experience in the hospital possible, and that this baby she was giving birth to was HER son, until she decided otherwise.

I was asked to cut the cord.  It was a very profound and symbolic experience.

I didn't hold the baby until the next day.

It's a good thing I was there, as the hospital staff was insensitive and bordering on criminally rude until I got there, and pointed out to them that this baby was HER baby until she decided otherwise, and that if she was going to place him, she needed time to get to know him first!

My son's mom didn't want my husband in the room, in fact was adamant about no male staff at all, and that was fine.   I took pictures.... HUNDREDS of pictures, so both of us have something to look back on, and my son... OUR son...has pictures of his birth, and of his Mamma pregnant just like many other kids...  but there wouldn't have been a camera there, if his mom hadn't brought one...even I am not so insensitive as to take photos of a naked stranger in the most vulnerable position a woman can be in!

As for grapesgum who said:

"No pre-birth matches = no strangers pawing a poor confused baby when he/she is coping with transitioning to life outside of mommie."

ALL babies get this, as hospital staff whisk them away to be weighed and cleaned and stuck fill of holes.  Many moms have to fight to hold their babies for more than a few seconds after birth, whether they are being adopted or not.

Making a pre-birth match in our family's case, worked to my son's advantage, and his mother's advantage too.  Being able to develop a relationship with her before the baby was part of the picture allowed us to develop the measure of trust we needed to become as open in our adoption relationship as we are.

"A Heartbeat and a Snip"

copyright 1998, C.C.Haas

Just a heartbeat and a snip ago,

The two of you were one.

You cannot know how much I love

You and your precious son.

You made your mind up long ago

You could not raise your boy

Somehow , thorough your pain you found

A way to give us joy.

And when you placed him in my arms

Tears running down your face

You told me I should love him,

Implied I'd take your place

I'll love him, and I'll raise him,

But your place is all your own.

Our son will have two mothers

Who will love him till he's grown.

Answer 7

I think it should all be discussed prior to the delivery with all parties and go from there. I think it is fine either way if all parties agree.

Answer 8

It was the decision of my daughters birth mom to allow me in the delivery room with her and her mother. I was also offered to cut the cord.  I am truly grateful for that experience but I would have also honored her request if she had not wanted me there. I never thought of taking pictures.

Heather H---You need to understand that some/probably many birth mothers are perfectly capable of making their own decisions without being told what to do or coerced.

Heather H--The "mother of the child" is someone that you will never know.  It's me and my family that has the relationship with her, not you. She is not a weak person. Her decision, whatever the outcome, was always supported by me and her family. Maybe your bmom didn't have that kind of support but my daughter's bmom did. Some bmoms deserve much more credit than you are willing to give or understand.

P.S. I might add that I was there only for the birth. Our birth mom had a lot of alone time with her baby and her family without me in the room. I did not "hang out".

Answer 9

I absolutely, positively, 100% do not think the adoptive parents should be allowed in the delivery room. PERIOD.

I don' t care what the biological mom thinks she wants at the time. They shouldn't be there. Almost all of the moms I know who THOUGHT they wanted the adoptive parents there, regretted having them there, later.

I've been thinking about how to address this, though, since I am not comfortable with legally taking away a woman's right to have who she wants with her in the delivery room. It could be a slippery slope if it were literally outlawed. I think instead I'd like to see hospitals take a firm stand against this and make their own policies against it. And at the very least, the mom should be given all the information on the downside to having the aparents there--increased pressure to relinquish (even if the aparents don't mean to put pressure on and don't consciously do it, their very presence there is pressuring), being exposed in such an intimate state, losing important intimate bonding time with her baby, and FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, how about the fact that the BABY would probably prefer to not have a whole bunch of strangers in the room?

Answer 10

I think that if the first mother wants the prospective adoptive parents in the room then it's fine.  If she doesn't, then they should respect her wishes.

My dear friend (who is a physician) and her husband were asked by their daughter's first mother to attend the birth.  They were thrilled.  Then she changed her mind and, while they were sad, they understood and respected her wishes.  When she went into labor she changed her mind again and they were allowed in the room.  If she had thrown them out in the middle - they would have understood that too.

Answer 11

We adopted twice.  We were in the delivery room twice.  Both times it was the birthmother's decision and each time, we were the primary support people for the birthmother before, during and after the births.

I'm glad she gave us that experience.  But, we never *expected* it from her.

Answer 12

Its really not about "should they or shouldn't they".Its more about how the birth mom feels about people being in her room.She may not feel so comfortable with strangers besides her doctor,gawking at her v****a waiting for their potential baby to come out.Actually any woman can request that noone but medical professionals be in her room(even the birth father)while she is in labor.

I think that adoptive parents should be in the room but they should be sensitive to the fact that the mother is in active labor

Answer 13

Personally I disagree with Adopters being present during the birth. This is quite possibly the only time the Natural Mother will have to be alone with her child. Every Mother deserves to do "Motherly" things after a birth, regardless of who will ultimately raise the child. This time can also assist the N-Mom in coming to terms with the fact that she has actually had a BABY. Coercion tactics all too often make light of the fact that the end result of pregnancy is a child. Nursing, counting fingers and toes, cuddling and the likes can be very healing and provide an N-Mom with memories to carry and cherish of her child. The adopters will have the rest of the child's life to do these things, an N-Mom may only have a short while.

Answer 14

I think the decision should ultimately be made by the birth mother. There are several factors to consider.

I understand the adoptive parents wanting to witness the birth of their child. They have the right to want that, but they must consider the feelings and comfort of the birth mother.

The birth mother has already made a huge decision to give her baby up for adoption. If the adoption is closed, this is the only moment she has to spend with her birth child. Some women may want this time to say good-bye without an audience.

In addition to emotions, the birth mother may not be comfortable with possible strangers seeing her in such an intimate way. She may be extremely uncomfortable and want to be alone, or with her own family.

So, to answer, adoptive parents should only be in there if it fits the wishes of the birth mother.

Answer 15

It's all up to the birth mother first, and then to the adoptive couple.  I am an adoptive mother and felt no strong desire at all to be in the delivery room.  That is a very intimated, difficult time as it is and having so many people there would just escalate the difficulty that is already present, especially in an adoption situation.  

I feel that birth mothers are entitled to privacy and that they also should be able to have some special time alone with the baby before the adoptive parents show up (probably a little over-zealous).  Birth mothers only get a very short amount of time with their babies before they place them for adoption and I feel they shouldn't have a lot of interruptions during that time.   It is a special time for them to bond with the baby and say their goodbye.  I think it's good closure for them, too.  

I don't think I bonded with my adopted daughter any less because I wasn't there for the delivery.  I think it was all around better for everyone waiting until her 48 hours was up before we showed up at the hospital with our camera and video camera :o)

Answer 16

I think that is a call that should be totally left up to the birth mother, but if I was adopting I would want to be in the room and I would be understanding if she wouldnt want my husband in the room.  But if your giving the child up for adoption and you want the adoptive parents to feel a strong connection to the child, being in the delivery room would be ideal! The adoptive parents seeing the child the second he/she comes into the world is beautiful.

Answer 17

This decision should be left completely up to the expectant mother. I totally understand why someone in this position would not want the adoptive parents to be in the delivery room, and if so, that needs to be respected. The same goes with video, pictures, and inviting relatives into the room, this is up to her, and I'm sure the hospital staff would not allow any of this to go on against her wishes.

However, if she does decide that SHE wants them in the room then I don't think it's up to anyone else to tell her she can't or shouldn't. As others have stated, at this point she is a mother, and not a "birth/ first mother", so why should she have any less rights to decide who is in the delivery room then any other woman giving birth, even if that choice is to have potential adoptive parents in the room?

Answer 18

No, they shouldn't be.  At this point they are still *potential* adoptive parents, while the woman giving birth is now fully understanding her new title of mother.  If the potential adoptive parents are in the birthing room, it is coercive to the decision still needing to be made, which is to parent or place the baby for adoption.  The potential adoptive parents have a lifetime to bond with their children.  A birthparent only has a few days at the most.  The potential adoptive parents should not be there.

editing to answer the addition question posed.

Many birthmothers feel differently looking back because of the self-coersion that we tend to do to make sure we place our children for adoption.  As soon as potential adoptive parents are matched with us, we tend to think of the baby as their baby instead of our own baby.  Part of that coersion continues on by making sure that the potential adoptive parents don't have more heartbreak by missing out on the birth because they couldn't birth their own.  We really take on trying to resolve all the things that the potential adoptive parents couldn't do for themselves in association with doing this amazingly generous act of giving them our children, that it is so easy to lose sight of remembering to take time for ourselves.

In my own experience I did invite the potential adoptive parents to witness the birth of our child.  My son only stayed on my belly for a few moments and then handed over to his adoptive parents to take in that awake alert period just after birth.  Once he was in the nursery, he stopped breathing and was resuscitated, and consequently had to stay in the nursery under monitoring.  I never got to see my child again before I signed the relinquishment papers, nor was I told what happened until the next day when I asked how he was doing.

Answer 19

I am the mother of an adopted son....we did not go into the delivery room with our birthmom...I feel this is very private.  I also believe that IF there is a potential for changing her mind, it is here.... and having "strangers" oohing and ahiing over "their" newborn...is callous, although NOT meant to be.

So....NO.

Answer 20

No!  by it's very nature that is coercive.

Many countries won't allow it but I know the USA cares only about what the paying customer wants

Cam, the mother of the child may change her 'birth plan' once she comes face to face with her baby.  Potential adoptive parents in the delivery room may influence her final decision because she may feel she somehow 'owes' them her child or compare herself unfavorably with them.

But I guess this is probably what the paps want to happen - minimize a change of heart and ensure she goes through with the adoption.  It's a very private and intimate time for mother and baby and it's not right for paps to be there

Answer 21

i think the decision should be up to the birth mother. it is her body after all. she might not want a bunch of people around. not only that, but i know that she has made the decision to give her child up for adoption, but the birth might be that final "alone time" with the child that she carried for 10 months. the birth might be a special to her as the rest of the child's life is to the adoptive parents.