Should the groom's mom throw a shower for the bride when her mother and wedding party are doing one already?

Question

my brother is getting married in sept.08. he met his fiance in feb.08 and she is about 4 months pregnant now. my mother has been in her presence about 5 times and ive been about 2. my mom talks to on the phone a bit and i've talked to her once on the phone. my mom went to meet her parents, while there my mom asked her mom to mention to the girls in the wedding party that we had a shower on our side of the family on aug.10th for my cousin's wife and to please not have the shower that day. well guess what they planned it for the 10th. now my mom is having a shower for her so our side can attend. please keep in mind my mom is single and her parents are married and she has 3 girls in the wedding (i'm not of the girls). my mom is also paying for the rehearsal dinner. financially i think it's alot on my mom. and the fact there will be a baby coming soon and baby shower gifts to buy. and my brother doesn't seem to think it's alot on my mom financially cause he wants her to throw this shower.

Answer 1

Well sure, your mother can throw a shower as well if she wants, some brides have showers from both sides.  If it is too much for her financially, she doesn't have to though.  And it sounds like your brother is being a little greedy, he shouldn't request that your mother throw a shower, she should do it only if she has the desire and the resources.  If he wants your family to get to know his bride better, there are other things you all could do together besides a shower.

Answer 2

Have mom tell your brother that she will throw a baby shower after the wedding, that having both is just too much financially. You should have a talk with him too, he is a man and they are slow on catching on.

Answer 3

I agree with the bridal/baby shower.

I'm not trying to stir the pot, but I'm quite curious why the original shower was held on a day that your mother specifically asked not to be?

Answer 4

Actually no family members are supposed to throw the bridal shower.  It appears tacky & like you're just asking for presents.  Bridal showers are meant to be thrown by close friends of the family, co-workers, and friends of the bride.  When I got married, I had 3 showers - 1 thrown by my 2 best friends, 1 thrown by my future MIL's friends, and another that was a combination lingerie/bachelorette thrown by my friends.  It's not the duty fo the MIL or the bride's mother to throw the shower.

Answer 5

have mom throw a combined shower .... wedding/baby at one time that way she only has to go through the expense once and honestly if I were a guest I would rather go to 1 shower vs one now and one in a few weeks especially if guests live a little bit a way.

Answer 6

Moms should throw it together

Answer 7

I think that she should or maybe you should. I am not sure of your age, but you could help at the least. My family is throwing me a shower and my future sister in law is throwing me one for that side of the family! I think it is great that my sister in law would do that for me!!

Answer 8

A shower does not have to be a big thing. Can you and some aunts/cousins/grandma help her out by bringing food etc.? There is no reason your shower has to compete with what she perceives the one from her side is doing. The focus should be on the bride getting to know your side of the family. I think your mom is being very gracious under the circumstances.

Yeah -- if your family members or very close friends of your family who are coming could pitch in with food that would be great. Or have it at a time when no one is expecting a meal and just have cake and snacks. Or you can make ribbon sandwiches or maid rites/sloppy joes/charlie boys/loose-meats -- depending on where you are from -- for very little money and they will be yummy and filling. You can get decorations very inexpensively from Dollar General or Dollar Tree and you do not have to go overboard.

It would likely be better for you and your mom to go in together on the nicest thing you can comfortably afford from her registry than going overboard with the party.

You can get the book IF -- a book of questions -- off Amazon and take turns asking questions to get to know one another better or have the longtime friends and the relatives bring cute/memorable stories about your brother to share with her. And in addition to the gift people could bring their favorite simple recipes.

RE: you being upset about not being in the wedding. I hope you can loosen up a little about that. My sister in law (I found out later) was upset at not being in my wedding which was under incredibly similar circumstances (we started going out in January -- I was pregnant in May -- we were engaged in June -- and married at the end of August) and I barely knew her and figured she did not look like the bridesmaid type and would not want to be in the wedding. If I had known she would have been interested I would have considered her.

So...help your mom if you can and rally some relatives to bring food if you can or make it very simple and relaxed and ONLY what you all can afford. Because you are right -- with a baby on the way there will be more expenses later.

I still say you are gracious for having a shower. No one on my husband's side threw a shower for me. My bridesmaid's didn't either. My late mother's best friend did though, perhaps prompted by my aunt who lived 1,500 miles away. :-)

And the rehearsal dinner -- we waited and waited and waited for either of my husband's divorced parents to say anything about it and finally reserved a party room at a local Italian buffet restaurant and my dad paid for it. That was fine. Then my father-in-law asked us if we wanted to have it at such and such a place. We told him we had finally gone ahead and arranged to have it somewhere else.

He asked who was coming and we told him (the bridal party, my dad and out of town relatives and friends, husband's mother, brother and sister). Father-in-law said, "Well I won't know anyone there." We pointed out that all three of his children would be there.  He said, "Well why do her aunts and uncles get to come?"  We said, "Because they are flying in from hundreds or thousands of miles away while all of your family lives within 100 miles,"  He showed up with his sister and brother-in-law -- which was not such a big deal the brother-in-law's lack of hygiene notwithstanding -- but then he went to my dad and made a fuss trying to pay for himself and them.

My husband's mother did jack squat for the wedding and never offered which still puzzles me but...whatever.

So...I think your mother is being very gracious.  I would have been thrilled with really anything on the part of my in-laws before we got married that would have indicated to me they were not hostile to me for "getting pregnant" and involving their son -- which is what I felt like.

Throw a simple shower. Get whatever help you can for your mother. Be happy and gracious. That will be the best gift of all.

Answer 9

It is incorrect for family members (bride's family OR groom's family) to host a shower. It is gracious and charming to throw a party for the purpose of soliciting gifts for some OTHER family, but looks greedy to solicit gifts for your own. And yeah I know I'm going to get hate mail on this and that a lot of people do it anyways -- I'm just telling you what Miss Manners says about it, and adding that I happen to agree with Miss Manners. One isn't "entitled" to a bridal (or baby) shower any more than one is entitled to a Sweet Sixteen or Over the Hill party. If your friends get together and give you a party, that is lovely -- and if they don't, then you don't get the party. Period.

However, there IS a way that mannerly people can facilitate the giving of a shower. If a friend volunteers to host the shower, then there is nothing incorrect about family members "helping" the host by paying for food, invitations, and decor, by providing set-up and clean-up services, and so on. The only thing "zero tolerance" matter is that the guest of honor MUST promptly send our HANDWRITTEN PERSONAL (as opposed to impersonal mass produced with a pre-printed message) thank you notes or letters.

Answer 10

Your mom should not have to. It's traditionally thrown by an aunt or cousin. And she should never feel she has to throw a party she cannot afford. Showers can be thrown on a budget.