Should there be limitations to an open adoption?

Question

I have an open adoption with the couple and they are so sweet, but it is sometimes so hard to see if i am crossing the line. I dont want to step on their toes or try to make them feel like they arent good parents. I miss her so much sometimes and i just want to hear about her but dont want them to get annoyed and stop talking to me. I have heard so many stories of open adoptions being closed by the couples, my heart would break if that happened. Why does that usually happen?

Answer 1

I do think there should be limits to open adoption.  I think the new family does need time to bond, and set limits for their child.  They have to do what is best for the child, including ensuring visits with the other mother, but I do think they get to choose how much contact that shoudl be.  A better idea is to have it in writing, to help you make sure you are getting all you can adn can hold them to promises.  Without promises though all you have is a general concept, which of course leads to boundaries being broken on both sides.

Answer 2

Would you believe me if I told you that they are having many of the same feelings?

I spent the first few years of our son's life  feeling like I was walking on eggshells around his mom.  I thought she was constantly judging my parenting, and that I was consistently falling short.

She wasn't, of course.  But that is how I felt.

You didn't say how old your daughter is, but if she is under one, no matter how hard it is, try and give them some space to become a family, and to feel comfortable in their entitlement. (I know some people here think that is a bad word, but it is a true one.  The need time and space to feel that she is their child, as well as yours!)

Our son's mom gave us a year of pictures and letters, and only a few in person visits, until we decided that it just wasn't enough , and helped her to move to our town, so that they could have closer contact.

He's ten now, and getting more independent, and is trying to push himself away from all of us.  It's nice to know he has another adult in his life to fall back on, if he has a problem he's not comfortable telling us about.  

She's the unconditional love in his life.. she doesn't have to dole out punishments, be disappointed in poor grades, or listen to teachers bi^&ing about "living up to potential"... and I'm a little jealous of that closeness they have.  

On the other hand, she isn't there for every little triumph, every little heartbreak, and I think she sometimes regrets that.

When we first were discussing an open adoption with her, we told her that the only way we would close the door was if she engaged in activities that would endanger our son.

We didn't anticipate the pressure that would be brought to bear on us from the most unlikely quarters to close the adoption.  

Our DOCTOR told us that she should have no contact with the child, our parents were adamant that she was not part of our family, our adoption agency was surprised and alarmed that we allowed her unsupervised visitation....

We persevered, but I can understand parents who crumble in their resolve under such pressure.  Especially if they weren't anticipating an open adoption to begin with.

The secret to maintaining a good open relationship is communication.  Be open with your daughters parents about your feelings, and ask them to be open with you about theirs.  If there are lines.. and there are, in any relationship,  ask them to let you know if you cross them.  You have the right to set limits too, you know... and to let them know if something about your relationship with them is making you uncomfortable.

Feel free to contact me through e-mail, and I'll put you in contact with our son's mom.  She knows what you are going through.

Answer 3

Hi Madison,

No. No limitations.  If it were me, i would consider you family.  Just work on keeping the lines of communication open, like with any relationship.  I would actually tell the adoptive parents what you just said here.  Best of luck to you:)

ETA:  I absolutely agree with everything Mommy2squeeze has said.

Answer 4

You should tell the adoptive parents exactly what you said here--you would be more comfortable with some guidelines on what they want so you are both on the same page.  It makes everything so much easier if you both know what is expected of you.

Answer 5

Hi Madison.

I think you sound very attentive and devoted to your child, while being respectful of her adoptive family.  I would recommend speaking to her adoptive family, explain how you love being a part of your daughter's life, but don't want to overstep boundaries.  Open, honest communication about what you and what the adoptive family are comfortable is important.  Be honest and say what you're feeling.  I think your heart and your head are in the right place here.

All of the information out there states that successful open adoptions are very healthy and beneficial for the adoptee.  The key to keeping an open adoption ongoing is communication, in my opinion.

Good luck!

ETA: I'm a nurse. I could have told you that doctors don't know everything! =)

Answer 6

I agree with mom5 and mommy2. Communication is the key. Ask them if you are over stepping. talk to them about how you feel. It is just as new to them as it is to you.

AS FOR THE DOCTOR: it just proves my point DOCTORS don't know everything!!!!!!!!!!

I hope you have a close and wonderful relationship with your daughter AND her parents fro many years to come.

Answer 7

I feel any limitations on open adoption (or the stipulations of an open adoption) are completely up to the BPs and APs.  Each adoption situation is unique.  I can't tell by your question if your adoption is finalized or not, if it is not finalized make sure you have discussions with the APs about what each of your expectations will be.  Get your plan in writing.  If it is finalized I would still have a conversation about what you want out of the situation (if you have nothing in writing) hopefully you all can reach an agreement.  I don't know why in some open adoptions adoptive couples have turned it into a closed adoption.  I don't condone those actions and don't understand them either.  I wish you only the best with your situation.

ETA I don't know if they are reliable or not either. I hope  they are but I often try to believe the best of most people.  I think you should broach a conversation about getting some terms in writing (it does not have to be detailed but at least how often you want pix, letters, do you want to contact by email, phone, in person) and preface the conversation with what you said here "I just want to hear about her and...don't want them to get annoyed with me"  I think honesty is always best and I am sure there alot of feelings that are raw and deep on both sides so open communication about each of your expectations early on can only help smooth the situation.

Answer 8

Any open adoption imo needs to have rules and boundaries. It really depends on how open the adoption is some are very very open but even those again need boundaries for both sides. I would talk to your child’s parents and figure out some that you all can live by. These don’t have to be set in stone they can always be changed later on.

Answer 9

You sound like a nice, respectful person.  If I had adopted your child, I would definitely keep the adoption open.   It sounds to me as though you want the best for your daughter, and that you understand the appropriate boundaries that will help avoid confusion as your child gets older.