Should there be two separate adoption sites here on YA?

Question

Should YA segregate the adoptees from the AP's and PAP's, as was suggested by one member in an earlier question?

Are adoptees less important to the adoption discussion? Is our experience not as valid, or do our opinions not matter as much?

I'm trying to understand why someone would say such a hurtful and mean-spirited thing. And trying to find out if this is a universal feeling, or limited to one or a few members.

Thanks in advance for your input.

Answer 1

no and for the person who said that. it was very mean -spirted to say. but i think their are people on here just to say mean things. so i'm just ignoring them now.

Answer 2

Then where would I go?

Answer 3

I haven't read the original post that you are talking about (yet), but I am comfortable assuming the comment was made to protect the AP's & PAP's, not to exclude anyone.

This is the Adoption section, not the Adoptee section.  Anyone involved in adoption at all should feel comfortable posting here.  I don't think that's the case as it is now, because of the nasty treatment by the adoptees that has now been mentioned 100's of times.  Most of us have made an unneccesary comment or two, but not on a regular basis like several of the adoptees do.  Each and every person that's been involved in adoption has the right to say, "WE are adoption."

JMHO.

Answer 4

Geeez they don't even want to share bathrooms or drinking fountains with us anymore? Just push the ones w/ any opposition now huh?

Next they'll start sealing our records and pretending like the adoptions never happened thinking that'll change things.

Answer 5

there should be one for people who are like political adoption people and one for people who seem a little more normal or something

Answer 6

No, Lillie, but I do think that there are some very angry anti-adoption (not talking pro-reform, I include myself in that group) who take any and every chance to berate those who would like to adopt, or if they dare to desire to adopt outside of foster care.

Perhaps instead of sending us (as I am an adoptee) to a separate site, people could respect the questions being posed and refrain from attacking people who are seeking information on adoption. Not everyone (not even every adoptee) thinks all infant adoptions are evil. Not everyone (not even every adoptee) thinks that International Adoption is evil.

Equally, I refrain from posting on every angry adoption-related question how much I am happy to be adopted, because that isn't respectful of those in pain. It should be a two-way street.

Answer 7

It is not about being less important. Since the comment was mine I know that. But every now and then I would like to ask a question and not be attacked. That was my point. Adoption is not perfect. But by making me feel bad because I am trying to adopt children, that I might add, are already in the system and have been relinquished by their parents. Doesn't help adoption reform. Heather made me realize the other day that I should be doing more to help. Her question was politely stated, not accusing. And it made me realize that I could do more. Maybe attacking me makes you feel better. But the way it was stated was not mean nor spiteful. And I apologize if it was taken that way.

PS I have always been interested in what adoptees have to say. Which is why I liked this forum. However if you have noticed on this site AP are treated like baby stealers who should get dogs instead of helping children. Oh and the dog comment was told to me directly.

Opedial- that is what I was trying to say. But apparently screwed up. Thank you.

Answer 8

That WAS mean spirited.  It seems they want to ignore adoptees - like they have nothing to do with adoption, eh?

Actually adoptees were asking yahoo for their own section, particularly for search help.  But it never materialized

No, pesky Adoptees  have no place in adoption unless you say what people want to hear :(

Answer 9

no, we have to learn to work together to make a difference.

Answer 10

Anyone wanting to adopt, or anyone who has adopted, should want to know what adoptees, ALL adoptees, have to say about adoption.  We are adoption.  We are supposed to be why adoption exists, to care for our needs.  (I don't deny that people adopt because they want children, and I don't think wanting children is bad.  But adoption exists to care for children, first and foremost.)

I'm not here to vent.  I'm not here to make APs and PAPs feel bad.  I'm here to talk about adoption.  If they created two separate boards, I'd just have to be on both.  I don't know how you could talk about adoption without talking to adoptees.

Answer 11

I have mixed feelings on this.  I have enjoyed connecting with many of the adult adoptees here and have learned a lot from people like Amy, Gershom, & Spanky that hopefully will help me to be a better mom to my son.

However, I do get frustrated when the same people continually attack each other over & over again here just because their opinions differ.  So in some respects, I guess I could see how having two groups might appear to be beneficial.  But the truth is that if people really want to keep up that behavior, they will just go into the other sections, so what would it really accomplish?

Answer 12

No, of course not.  If AP's and PAP's are looking for information about adoption, certainly adoptees can provide that!  Adoption is more than just a process of paperwork, homestudies and fees.  It is  a lifetime of relationships formed by the adoption, along with the issues that are inherent with it, including the societal and legal issues.

Certainly, anyone who is adopting or has adopted may be interested in information straight from those who are the reason adoption exists.

Answer 13

No....

I believe that the PAP's should be reading the AP's questions and paying attention to the things we have learned and our insights..

I come here specifically for input from adopted people as part of my job as a mother is to be open minded to all of the points that may effect my children....

The input of the feelings adopted people add is vital for parents and potential parents to hear....  

I have my own website specifically and only for Adoptive Parents if I were not interested in helping PAP's and hearing from Adopted People I would just go post on my Parent Site and Ignore the other opportunities I have to learn and grow....

Answer 14

QUOTE by Furfur

I don't think that's the case as it is now, because of the nasty treatment by the adoptees that has now been mentioned 100's of times. Most of us have made an unneccesary comment or two, but not on a regular basis like several of the adoptees do.

Unquote by Furfur

HOW RUDE and Condescending that is, I wont be as gracious as Lillie and give you the benefit.

I am 100% sure you meant it exactly like that.

Adoptees are arked up and respond how they do because of the disdain that PAPS and APS treat adoptees and Adoption with, The entire site from paps and aps point of you smacks with entitlement.

You are 99% of the time coming from a place of *gain* we , the adoptee are 100% of the time coming from a place of *loss* the only people who need to feel entitled is the adoptee who was after all a baby, a infant, a child who had NO choice in the decision of where she / he would be removed to.

Answering the Question is no I dont think that there should be two sites. It is already too much *us* and *them* I think that if adoptees were treated with respect and that they actually know what they are talking about and not just dismissed as ingrates an *angry adoptees* all the time, maybe just maybe they might respond in a more positive frame of thought !

Answer 15

Adopted Jane:  HIGH FIVE!!!!

No, I don't think there should be separate sites.  I think AP's and PAP's need to listen up and understand that our kids have more in common with you than not.  If people weren't so busy denying that your feelings exist, maybe they'd become better listeners/parents.

Answer 16

I'm here to learn more about adoptees and how adoption effects them. I think adoptees offer the best insight on how I should help my future child feel loved and understand what is happening. I plan on adopting an older child so they will very confused and scared.

Answer 17

Yes, I have thought that before, but there is no way to really enforce it.  I love hearing about good and bad, but lately it is getting ugly, and I'm getting tired of it . . .

Answer 18

Good heaven No!  Thats the problem with our Utah legislature, the triad is not equally represented.

Answer 19

It wasn't said in a mean spirited context.  As an AP, I am here to learn, not have my integrity attacked.  WHile I know some adoptees have been through h---; it is wrong to be so scathing with someone you do not know.  Treat us respectfully and we will take your message to heart.  Treat us disresepectfully and your opinion will be cast aside by many

.  Maybe a site specifically for questions and a site for rants would be helpful to both parties.  AP's WANT to hear the negative, we want to be prepared for what is to come in our child's future.  But we want to be educated respectfully.

Answer 20

I see this issue as being similar to other types of segregation, whether by race, gender, etc.  Segregation may seem like a good idea on the surface, just having people of similar viewpoints and experiences get together and those of differing ones go somewhere else...makes everyone happier, right?  But the problem with separating people is that then there is no challenge, no growth.  No opportunity to learn from one another.  

Some people have said that adoptees need a separate place to vent.  Well, we do have those places already, and do go there to discuss adoption...so why do we come here?  I know that I do because it's a challenge.  It challenges me to think harder, to formulate deeper insights into how adoption has affected  me.  If I were only to go to a forum where everyone agreed with me and patted me on the back every time I said something, I would learn nothing about myself, nor about other viewpoints.

The same goes for those who would like to see us leave.  If we didn't come in here and say, "Hey, that offends us", or "This is the way we adoptees feel about adoption", others wouldn't learn anything from our perspective...they would just go blithely forward in ignorance of what adoption means from our perspective.

Segregation may superficially make things easier, smoother....it feels nicer because there's no confrontation or hurt feelings.  But the truth is, it never really benefits people in the long run.  Life is about learning, communicating, growing.  Take away the diversity and the controversy you take away the impetus for exploration and growth.

Answer 21

That makes no sense. There shouldn't be separate adoption categories here, but I think we can all do without the rudeness & attitudes. I'm guessing that's why this was brought up because an AP or PAP felt like they couldn't ask or answer questions without being ridiculed or attacked. I admit, there is a lot of ridicule & attacking here, but it wouldn't help any of us to be separated.

Answer 22

I haven't been to YA in awhile but I had to comment on this, I can see that almost everyone has their own views about either being a Birthmother or Adoptive parent and even the Adoptee. During the whole process of adoption the adoptee really doesn't have a say in anything and if a place like this gives them a voice then hear them and learn from them. As for Adoptive parents they are scared and looking for someone to help with those fears so help them and for the Birthmothers they are in need of support and understanding for their decision. So if knowing these basic things about each group and being respectful and helpful and learning from each other I don't see a need for segregration. If everyone steps back and listen you will all see that even though your opinions are quit different you may learn something from someone you didn't know and it would be helpful to you or someone else you come across on YA.

I have respect for the birthmothers that loved enough to bring that child to this world and the adoptive parents for nurturing and loving that child and for the child that changes the world...

Answer 23

Interesting comment and question.  For this forum I come to learn information and share information about my experiences of adoption.  I think though at a different type of site it might be nice for adoptees to have a venue of support where they don't have to read things like "aren't you glad you are aborted" and PAP who can share excitement over becoming a family without scorn.

So for YA, integration is key for shared learning, but for support without constant bickering about differences of opionion which dilutes both adoptees pain and adoptive parents excitement.  So I guess yes and no.