Should they have just kept it a secret?

Question

Okay so life is so horrible for adoptees, right? You feel like you don't fit in with your adoptive family? Like they treat you different because you are a consolation prize that they took as a last resort? What if no one had ever told you? What if you went through life believing they were your biological parents? What then? Who would you blame for your attachment issues then? For your feelings of anger? Or do you think maybe - just maybe that if you never knew life would be great? You would be a happily adjusted adult thatfunctions without trying to place blame for the normal curve balls that life throws everyone even adoptees?

Answer 1

i was 22 when i found out that "my dad" was not my biological father. he always treated my brother and sister different than me (i'm the oldest). he married mom when i was like 9 mon. and adopted me (i'm a b*****d child) but anyway, mom wouldn't ever tell me. i found out at the doctor's office after they left my file in the room with me and i saw my certificate of health with my name with mom's maiden name. i was aggravated for a while but it was done and over with. i'd still like to know about my real blood on that side. you never know about cancer and stuff like that. try not to place blame. all you're going to do is run yourself ragged. let it be and move forward.

Answer 2

I would have been completely confused if they had kept it a secret.  There were pretty clear indications very early that I wasn't biologically related.  My personality, my interests, my looks, all indicate that I'm not biologically related to my adoptive parents.  They treated me pretty well.  I've had a good life.  But that doesn't mean I fit with my adoptive family.  I love them.  They love me.  But that doesn't change the confusion created by the adoption.

I'm glad you haven't experienced this at all.  I think it's great that some people come out unscathed.  Do you think it means I didn't?  I'm sorry you don't value my experiences or perspective as real.

Answer 3

No.

Who would believe they should lie to a child?

I guess you.

So sad.

Answer 4

First off attachment disorders are not an adoption issue alone. Many people with attachment disorders are raised in their biological families. Attachment disorders come from a lack of bonding with primary caregivers. The reason many adoptees suffer from them is that their primary caregiver has changed early in life, often numerous times.

Now as for the rest of your questions. I have known many adoptees who were not told of their adoptions. Some of whom only found out they were adopted when their parents passed away and they had to take on the task of sorting out legal documents in the household. Many ( but not all ) of them have told stories of never feeling like they fit in. Knowing deep inside that they were "different" from others. Not all adoptees have issues of any kind, many are very well adjusted. As well not very many adoptees are blaming their adoptive parents for their feelings of anger and distrust. More often they are blaming an inferior system.

Your last sentence is shameful. Would you blame an abused child for his or her anger issues? Would you blame a rape victim for her lack of trust in men? Would you blame a  person with Fetal Alcohol Effects for their learning disabilities? You come across as blaming adoptees for their own issues. Anyone with problems can easily lay blame and anyone without these problems can as well. What I see most adoptees struggling with is the ability to understand why and how they have come to be who they are. Trying to deal with it, understand it and overcome it. Whatever "it" may be.

Just because one person's adopted life was sheer bliss doesn't mean everyone's was. It works the other way as well.

Answer 5

For you to minimize adoptee pain is really so cruel.  

Would you mock someone who lost their family in a car accident?  

What about telling a widow to just get a new husband, now that hers has died, because according to you, people are interchangable.

You have adopted kids, right?  Read a book, Stacie!

I bet if you adopted a parrot you'd know more about it than the internal life of your child.

The Primal Wound Nnacy Verrier

Journey of the Adopted Self Betty Jean Lifton

If you really LOVE your kids, you'd research a little more instead of making fun of adoptee's losses.

Answer 6

No that wouldn't work - they tried that already

Answer 7

Are you serious???

99% know they are adopted without anyone telling them.

The other 1% are blind adoptees.

Or did you grow up in a house without mirrors?

Answer 8

I don't believe my life is horrible. I was raised by two wonderful people. But i still deal with attachment issues. I fear rejection to the exterme. my adoptive parents when i was little had to re-assure me that they loved me and wouldn't abandon me. I was angry with my birth mother for giving me up. I'm slowly trying to work out these issues. Especially, now since i want to met someone and get married. I think all adoptees deal with their adoption experince in different ways. Some good some bad. It just opinions people have.

Answer 9

I think you are trying to make a point, but I'm not quite sure what it is.  If you are saying that just because you were adopted and you have life problems, that isn't necessarily the cause, then you are right.  The people I know who were adopted are very happy with their families and don't feel the things that you have described.  One of them has decided not to seek out her biological parents simply because she is very happy with her adopted family and doesn't need to know.  The guy I know who was adopted was found by his biological mother, and they have a nice relationship, but he considers his adopted family to be his "real" family.  Neither of these people blame their problems on being adopted.

Answer 10

None of us gets to chose our parents, so I understand were you're coming from. However, I think you are baiting adult adoptees here to go on the attack. I'll just sit back and observe.

Answer 11

No.  And I'm pretty sure I would have figured it out.  I don't look or smell anything like anyone in my adoptive family.

I have many issues I would have had no matter who raised me.  This doesn't nullify the fact that adoption took my identity and that certain issues arose from that.  Both these sets of issues are mine to deal with, and one of the ways I deal with adoptive issues is to advocate for change in adoption.

My adoptive parents NEVER treated me as anything less than their own daughter, which I am.  Had they been fertile, they'd have given birth to their own children.  But they never made me feel like a consolation prize, although other people sometimes did.

Answer 12

studies show that children who were adopted and did not know still faced the same emotional issues and feelings as children who were adopted and knew.  I dont think keeping it a secret helps anybody. I personally knew right from the start and for some time i did have feelings of anger about it but was given some councelling on the issue and now i am fine with it.  Professionally, (i am an RSW) as well i have seen kids benifit from councelling in regards to Adoption, as it is a loss (and a gain)  and it should be grieved and dealt with as such.

Answer 13

Oh, Criminy!  This is a favorite concept of frightened adoptive parents.  So many of them want to believe that it is only the knowledge of being adopted that creates problems with adoptees.  What a ridiculous notion.

First off, it is common for Late Discover Adoptees to say "A lot of things make sense to me now,"  because they knew on some other level - just not a conscious level.

For crying out loud, the adoptee was THERE when s/he was separated from his/her mother.  

People want to believe that the child is none-the-wiser when they pull the mother switcheroo.  But research has proven that such memories are recorded forever - not in the conventional explicit memory, but in the somatic - body/emotional - implicit memory that resides in a different part of the brain.

It is common knowledge that many early traumas appear on the surface to be "forgotten," but are indeed never forgotten.  Read about the traumas of infant sexual and physical abuse.  The adult may not "remember," but his/her body/subconscious does, in fact, remember.  

Early traumas are buried as a natural human response (a function of the brain) to protect the mind from events that are too overwhelming to process at such a young age.

In a way, people who are told early that they were adopted have a tremendous advantage in that they are able to more easily decipher the source of their early trauma and therefore deal with it (albeit too often internally).  

Many many others are not so fortunate, and may never get the help they need to deal with early traumas.

Answer 14

Who said life was horrible for all adoptees?  That's a very generalized statement.  

I have two people in my family who were adopted - one adopted into our extended family 50+ years ago, one adopted out 50+ years ago...both were very happy in their adopted families, and found their birth families as a way of answering the questions they had about where they came from.  They both knew they were adopted from very, very early on in life.

Answer 15

I'm not sure where you get the premise that "life is so horrible for adoptees". The closest personal experience I have to adoption is that my son was born after I married my ex-husband, not his father. I ALWAYS made sure my son knew that he has a biological father who had never met him but knew of his existence. I also made sure my son knew that I loved him with all of my heart and was glad that he was in my life. My son has problems, mostly with the fact that his biological dad STILL claims he isn't my son's father, DNA test notwithstanding. However, his life isn't horrible, and he says he's happier knowing. Perhaps you should rethink your premise and look for a little more balance.

Answer 16

OK first of all not everyone is on here saying poor me I was adopted and so on. There are alot of people on here that are adoted and all they are is  making a point that adoption is a great thing. it will bless someone who cant have kids. Not ever adopted adult on here is angry or ticked off at the workd because there BIO mom gave them to a loving family. I was adopted and wouldnt change anything in the world for my parents. I wa an older child. I got adopted at the age of 13 so, if anyone who has a right to be anggry is the ones who were older like 7-15. But they arent, They are happy they have foudn a mom and dad.

Answer 17

not knowing that i was adopted would still not change the fact that i don't fit in at all with my family. my attachment issues come from the fact that my brother and i were not treated equally, so i learned to take care of myself and myself only. if i didn't know i was adopted, my life would probably be the same.