Should they join old age home for good?

Question

I know a couple who had no children of their own.They adopted a small girl of 18 months and took care of her till she was 21. Then got her married to a well to do family.

Now the girl has come to know about the adoption and has also come to know about her natural born father and mother. Her natural born parents are now staying in her house. She is not at all caring for the adopted parents. Not even answering the telephone calls.

Both the adopted parents are old now. Adopt .Father is heart patient with no much income and adopt.mother diabetic with severe complications. They are only two in the house.Some times even difficult to cook their own food.

What should they do now? Plead the girl for help whom they took care for years together? or join some oldage home or destitute home? please tell.

Answer 1

They need to do whatever is necessary to take care of themselves financially by using the financial assets and property they already have.

It sounds like they never told her about the adoption and that she just found out recently that she was adopted.  That tends to anger a person.  

She doesn't owe them anything more than a biological child would.  Being adopted doesn't make a person indebted to anyone.

Answer 2

My aunt was adopted for just this reason.  To take care of a couple in their old age.  To me it's sick...  (not trying to be mean but this one hits way to close to home for me!)

To me the old couple need to do whatever they need to do to take care of themselves.

Answer 3

It is a said events,but for survival we have to overcome in such situation,since both the parent(adopted) in old age also need medical help in such circumstances they may join old age home where the medical facility also available.

God bless them.

Answer 4

There are many elderly people who have no contact whatsoever with their children, adopted or otherwise.  It is a sad, unfortunate situation.  

Legally, there's nothing to be done.  Ethically I think it is appalling how we treat our senior citizens.  I would suggest that this couple contact a medical social worker for assistance and perhaps consider an assisted living facility or in-home assistance.

Answer 5

No matter if your children were born to you or adopted, you can't force them to care for you in your old age. It sounds like both of them have medical issues, so they might want to consider going to a home where nurses can be there to care for them. :( It is a sad story, but not everyone chooses to care for their parents

Answer 6

They should enquire as to the feasibility of reverse mortgages.  Alternative would be to sell their home and move into an apartment or townhouse or even senior housing (where they can  choose to make their own food or it is provided) and use the cash to finance their healthcare.   Whatever her angst, it is their job to manage themselves.  They should seriously consider who else they would like to manage their affairs should they be unable to do so, since clearly she isn't going to be involved, at least at this time.  You'd be amazed how many biological children never care for their parents in their twilight years.  Heck, I have siblings that won't lift a finger to help my folks.  My brother calls my parents maybe once a year.

Answer 7

As a parent of both adopted and birthed children, I don't expect any of my children to take care of me ever.  We have money set aside for that and when that runs out we'll probably be in a nursing home.  You can't force an adult to do anything.  You can't raise children and expect them to owe you something or to be grateful.  If she wants to take care of her first family that is her choice and there is nothing anyone can do about it.  It sounds like the adoptive parents kept her adoption a secret and didn't tell her until adulthood.  Secrets and lies are not good parenting skills, I'd be mad too if i found out i was living a lie.

Give her time and maybe she'll come around.  I don't really know what to say.  She is not obligated to care for her adoptive parents in anyway just because they raised her.

Answer 8

There is a Law passed by the govt of India that it is the chiidren's duty to look after their parents---no matter  whether they are born to them or legally adopted. Dereliction of duty to ones parents is a punishable offence under the Indian Penal code. Punishment varies from money to jail term.

The parents should sue the daughter and get her to finance their medical need and provide for a help nurse for them. or finance a high standard geriatric care centre as the one in Chennai.

Answer 9

Hi Padman,

There's probably more to the story than what is being told here.  Based upon what you have written, here are my thoughts:

- If they adopted as an insurance policy of care for themselves in their old age, then they adopted for the wrong reasons.  Even natural families should not have children for that reason.  No child "owes" a parent nursing care.  I hope you are not implying that adoptees owe their parents MORE than what natural born children would.  That does not sound like good planning on their part to not have thought ahead for their old age such as saving money or arranging for nursing care insurance.

- They "married her to a well-to-do family?"  Does that mean an arranged marriage?  In any case, the daughter is now an adult.  She is free to associate with whomever she pleases.  It's really irrelevant who is staying in her home.  She obviously has a better relationship with one set of parents over the other.  Guilt is not going to work & should not be used.

You ask what should they do?  That depends on their physical and mental condition.  They may need to arrange for someone to either come to their home to take care of their needs, or they should arrange to move so they can live someplace where their needs can be taken care of for them.  They should not beg & plead with the daughter to take care of them.  She has her own family now & if she wanted to be with the adoptive parents, she would be.  Most people do not wish to be a burden on their children anyways.  They should accept that she has her reasons and let her be.  Maybe you could go over there once in a while and do things for them.  Sorry, but there's really not any other advice in this situation.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Edit to add:  Ugh, I've also heard of people adopting teenagers to babysit their other, younger children for free.  The purpose of adopting ANY child should be to take care of that CHILD'S needs and nobody else's.

Answer 10

Well, it's really not the child's responsibility to care for their parents.  She doesn't owe anyone anything.  As an adoptive parent, I'd feel heartbroken if the child I raised to adulthood stopped speaking to me, though.

Answer 11

That's really a bad thing to happen to anyone

imagine caring for a child till she gets married and then she

takes care of someone who gave her up when she was a baby.......

they should not plead her or anything.....

they took care of her when she needed help

if she has any gratitude she should take care of them now....