Should we adopt, we've already agreed not to about 7 years ago?

Question

because for medical reason I can't have children and we discussed it then and for other reasons too we decided against it. Two weeks ago, I told my husband I don't want to work anymore (financially, it'd be tight, but we can do it). Three days later, he said if he got a promotion making up the difference between our two salaries, I could quit on one condition.....that we adopt and I become a stay-at-home Mom. I'm 40 years old, we decided 7 years ago not to do this, my life path has been set and planned. Do you think this was wrong for my husband to do this? I feel like I'm being blackmailed or something.

Answer 1

It sounds like you changed "the plan" first, not him, by announcing that you don't want to work anymore.  It seems only fair to me that as long as you're changing something, you also allow him to propose a change to a plan that was made almost a decade ago.  Seven years is a LONG time!  Haven't you grown and changed since then?  Well, it seems like your husband has too, and it seems like this is a good time to step back and look at where you both are in your lives and reevaluate where you are going.  If he wants to be a father, and you are going to be staying at home, then I can see why he'd want to repropose parenthood at this point.  Otherwise, it seems unfair for you to announce that you're not working anymore because you dont' want to.  There are lots of people in the world who would LOVE to use that as an excuse to walk away from their job, but it's just not possible.  As you said, things will be tight financially for both of you from now on.  Perhaps your husband feels a bit blackmailed, too, by you announcing that he'll be financially pulling your weight from now on and having less disposable income for both of you?  If you're not spending your days contributing to your life together financially, what will you be doing with your spare time?  Will all of that turn into "me time"?  Perhaps your husband feels that if you no longer want to contribute money to the relationship, you can contribute your time to help raise a child for both of you.  Of course, both of you will need to be fully informed and in agreement about whether you want a child before you proceed... but maybe you both should have also been fully informed and in agreement before you quit your job and drastically altered the financial future for both of you.

Answer 2

You should not adopt unless you truly want to with all of your heart. Adoption and parenthood is a rough situation and has tons of good and bad points. Its not something you just jump into nor is it ever easy. I think your husband is wrong for doing this to you because there is such an amount of love and comitment that comes with a child that you cant not force anyone into this.

Answer 3

I think he is wrong if you guys have already sit down and made a deciding years ago on it. Maybe the subject needs to be put back out there to discuss because it seems to me as if your husband has had a change of heart. If he is going to work and let you stay home wouldn't you want somebody to spend your time with while he is at work.

Answer 4

If you really don't want kids then you shouldn't have kids. Adoption should be something that two people go into equally excited about. If you don't want to be a stay at home mom he shouldn't be trying to force you to be one. It may be hard for him because he had his heart set on having a family, so he really wants to adopt. Still, it's about more than adopting--he's not the one to tell you when you can or can't quit your job. Unless you absolutely NEEDED the two incomes, you go ahead and quit if you want to, no sense in being unhappy with what you're doing. Obviously the two of you want two very different things. A compromise is needed. How would you feel about fostering children? The two of you need to sit down and talk your feelings out.

Answer 5

Maybe he feels that if you are gonna not be working then you should be rasiing a family.  Why is your reasoning behind deciding you dont wanna work?  I know LOTS of ppl who just 'dont' wanna work anymore.. but  you have no kids so taking care of the bills should not be just your husbands responsability!  He prolly sees it as a way to have children.. i think its rather selfish for you to just wanna quit with no reason for it and make him work to make ends meat. How'd you like it if he came to you and said "i dont feel like working anymore.. i'm gonna quit and you can take care of everything from now on?'

Answer 6

Inexcusable.  Blackmail.  That's a giant decision that shouldn't be changed on a whim.

Answer 7

Your husband is soooooooooooooooooo wrong!!!  If you are not adopting because you, too, want a child, then that child will pay the price in the long run. Is that fair to the child, knowing that he/she was only adopted so you could quit your job? Shame on your husband!!!!!!!

Answer 8

No child should have a less than an enthusiastic parent!  Especially when there are PLENTY of those to go around in adoption!  Pass!  It would not be fair to the child.

Then consider marriage counseling with the money you'll save.

Answer 9

are you asking if you should adopt a baby in exchange for your husband agreeing to let you quit your job? Does that sund as though it's right to you? I don't really think it makes sense to have (or adopt) a baby just because you don't want to work anymore. Why does your husband think the two are related? And why do you think it would be okay to have a baby just so your husband won't be in disagreement with you about quitting your job?

Answer 10

I do believe it's wrong for him to put it like that, but at the same time it sounds like he is trying to get it across that he does want kids after all. I would highly consider it, having a kid will change your life and you in so many ways, it will create more of a family for you guys. Just one opinion, I love kids so I am a little bias! My husband and I are pregnant now, and starting the adoption process in 6 months on another baby. I would suggest really thinking about it, and sit down and talk to your husband, find out why he wants kids, and figure out why you don't? If your quitting your job anyway, you may want to have kids now. Maybe this is the direction your path is taking you!

Good luck to you both!!!

Toni Lynne  :)

Answer 11

You honestly shouldn't even consider adoption unless both of you truly want to adopt a child, not as a condition of quiting your job. It would not be fair to the child.

Answer 12

~~*~~ If your life plan has been set  and in motion, then why the sudden change in employment? Was this part of your plan?  If it's set then how does this fit in? This maybe what's going though his mind. Your husband is probably thinking that if you're going to start being home while he is the only one working, there should be a good reason for it. It seems like you're changing the plan as you go and he is just being informed as you make up your mind. Adopting a child is a huge deal. If you don't want to be a mommy, that way, then don't do it. Tell your husband that you don't think it would be fair to a child to bring them into a situation like yours. It's honest and it's straight forward. Best wishes!