Should we continue with the adoption after we discovered we were pregnant?

Question

About a year ago me and my husband decided we wanted to adopt an older child between 3-9. We even were to several foster homes. But after i learned I was pregant we decided to put the search on hold for a few years. I gave birth a few months ago but the other day our agency says they found out about a 7 year old girl who was just put up. I knew the girl thyey were talking about but at the time when we wanted her the mother still had custody.Now the agency wants us to have her and since she had mild autism it will be had to place her with anyone else. what should we do? it will be diffcult raising her plus twins. or should we just pass and wait a few year like we planned

Answer 1

My first thought was if you are hesitant, than I would say do not adopt.  However, looking back at my situation before we adopted, I can honestly say that we were hesitant too.  Now I would not change my life for anything.  My son is my world.  

The truth is that you need to decide what is best for your family and for this child.  What if you would have adopted the child and then found out you were pregnant?  Would you have terminated the pregnancy?  

This is a tough question but one that truly is a personal decision for you and your family.  Good luck to you and your new family.

Answer 2

This isn't about what's good for you, it's all about what's good for the child.

First, I have read that you are not supposed to adopt children out of birth order, and she is older.

She needs a lot more attention than you can possibly give her.  This child needs to be with parents who can give her all the attention she needs--you are not those parents.

Answer 3

If you believe that you could give that girl a happy home and a happy life, a real family... do it. I believe that these children deserve the chance to live a happy life, and not many people have the possibility to do it. Adoption is a beautiful thing and you are a beautiful person. Good luck, whatever you decide and god bless.

Answer 4

wait, theres always later

Answer 5

If you wanted to adopt as a way to replace the baby you thought you couldn't make on your own, then no.  That's a huge job for a child to fulfill your needs.  However, if you think it would be in this girls' best interests for you to be her family, then yes, adopt her.  It's about  her needs, not yours.  (Or, if it is about your needs, then the answer is no - now and in the future.)

Answer 6

If your hesitating my answer would be NO dont do it. No one would blame you, I bet your feeling bad and feel almost obliged to take this on BUT if you do its forever,, if your unsure now it is likely it wont work out then this little girl will be older and stand even less of a chance of finding somewhere.

You have your children,, if the time isnt right just now,, let it pass and wait until your ready instead of when your asked,, then it is far more likely to work out.

This little girl is 7, im sure she will find somewhere permanent in no time, if in an emergency situation, and if you think you could cope maybe offer her a temporary home whist another placement is found

Answer 7

It's totally up to you.. ... if you wanted her before and thought you would love her unconditionally before - then whats changed? if you are hesitant then i would say no... you need to make sure that you will love the child just AS MUCH as your twins... Good luck and blessings!!! (don't think im getting down on you at all.... i think even the thought of adopting makes you a great family but i worry about the child being adopted.. ) blessings

Answer 8

Sounds like a tough decision for you, i think its totally up to you and your husband and if you think you are able to handle it. The little girl might end up in care for a few years and you may end up getting her eventually anyway? BUT at the end of the day dont feel obliged to having her as im sure the agency would understand now you have young children yourself to take care of- do they know you have had babys since? Maybe they wouldnt have asked you if they knew. I hope you get an answer soon. Good Luck x

Answer 9

I agree with Jennifer L.  You really really need to examine your support system and resourses: personal, financial, social, etc.  Adopting an older child takes an enormous amount of energy, time, and attention.  So does parenting twin babies.  I know I wouldn't be able to handle it!  You do need to consider the issues with adopting out of birthorder and the older child's issues and their effect on your family.  Only you can really know if your family is right for this child.  I think there are some families who truly could handle this situation, but probably not many.

Answer 10

for me and my husband there would be no question. We'd be asking where we could meet and when to either come and get her or when we could expect her.  It would be crazy and nuts until you get into a routine at home, but seeing how she is 7 it would be alot easier than if she were a baby still herself. She'll be in school during the day so you'd need to come up with a weekends routine and after school routines for now. When summer comes along and she's out of school it will be tricky transitioning but it can be done. Besides, it would be one more person to love and love you back!

Since the agency knows about your new little one's I wouldn't worry about other kids in the house type thing. They would know if she had issues that would prohibit her from safely mixing in with other kids or they wouldn't have called you about her.

Answer 11

Only continue if this is what you want in your hearts.  If it is not, then do both your family and the child a favor by declining.

You cannot feel guilty about this.  It is similar in thinking when a parent chooses to give up their child to be adopted.  It is for the hopes of giving the child a better life than what they could not give.

So if you cannot at this time emotionally, physically, spiritually, OR mentally invest the time for a special needs child, then you serve the child best by stepping aside at this time.  I would not consider it a selfish act, but one out of a combination of practicality and love.

Kim's saying:  You cannot give to others what you can not give to yourself.  Basically, if you don't have it to spare, then don't spare it if it places an undue burden or hardship.

Much prayers and love for you and your family during this time of decision making.

EDIT ADD:  I just re-read yoru question.  "but at the time when we WANTED her.  The fact you were aware of her situation and you still wanted her speaks volumes.  This may be a "sign posts" of sorts meaning the time is now for you to seize the moment.  If you still WANT her, I see no reason not to go ahead and accept her.  

So if this is for the purpose of adoption as opposed to foster care then it may be a consideration.  I agree it will be a major adjustment period in your schedule and family, but the long-term, life-long rewards could be unequivocably measured.

Answer 12

That's a very tough question and nobody can tell you what you should do.

My best advice is take an honest look at your family, your support and the logistics of adopting a special needs child at this point.  Only you can answer if your family is able to meet this child's needs at this point in time.

I may get some "thumbs down" for this, but you owe it to your babies to make absolutely certain that any other child you bring into your home will not be a danger to them.  This is whether you adopt now or later.  The vast majority of foster children are perfectly safe with younger children.  But there are also some children whose personal history and experiences that would require a home with either no other children or older children.

Good luck.

Answer 13

though it may be hard. i think that it would be a blessing to have a little girl in your household. you can't just leave that little girl w/o a family. she needs you and i think you need her. she would more than likely be a positive addition to your growing family.

Answer 14

Hi Mom Loves

It is best if you hold off. Your main obligation is to your babies you now have.

While it is not an absolute rule, in general it seems that the most effective adoptive parents for special needs children are the parents who have already raised kids to an older age, even to adulthood.

There is a family out there for the child you mentioned, but it is not you - not yet anyway.

Answer 15

First of all do what is best to your family, if you think you can handle another child go for it but there are many foster and adoptive parents who are awesome also. You have to make sure for yawls sake that you can handle having 2 kids before you add on to the family. It would be awesome for you to go on and adopt the child but think about her also!!! Will you have time for new baby's and her? I think do both of you a favor and wait. I know it is hard because that child needs a home too... but if you can not give your all right now pass!

Answer 16

Simply the fact that you are not sure about adopting the child is reason enough to not do it.

My advise would be to wait until you are sure of wanting to take on an adopted child.  

I am the parent of an adopted son, and it was the best decision that I have ever made, but the key here is that I decided, without any reservations when we were given the opportunity to adopt.

Don't feel pressured, and don't worry about what people may think.  Be sure when you do decide to adopt a child.  Maybe now is just not the right time for you.  There will be other opportunities, I promise.