Should we end our marriage?

Question

We've been married 5 years and together for total of almost 10. My husband says that he feels we live separate lives and that we don't work towards the same goals and want the same things out of life. I consider myself a free spirit and love to be spontaneous and adventurous in life. I don't have a strong desire one way or another to have kids (he has very strong desire to have kids). My motto is to live my life until that time comes. I think he thinks that since I still go out and have fun that I'm not into having kids. We are involved in the swinger lifestyle and he says that if we want a family we shouldn't be (but people in the lifestyle do have kids). We're more into just meeting friends and having the fun every now and then, not into crazy large orgies or parties like that. He is more low key and I think wants more of the "settle down" type whatever that means. I'm not going to be one of those people who sacrifices their entire life and never has fun anymore (I see this so much with people I know that have kids). He thinks that we will never have a family because it hasn't happened yet (I'm 30 but wanted to wait little longer because I don't feel ready). He says he is tired of feeling hurt and depressed and just doesn't care anymore. We started to go to a doctor because we had tried for a year to get pregnant and it didn't work. We just started that but he keeps questioning why am I going since I don't want kids. I said I don't really care one way or the other if I have kids and if we haven't had success we should go to the doctor to get checked. I don't know what to do to make him happy, I can't be someone I'm not, and I guess at the same time he can't be someone he isn't either. I told him if he is unhappy he is free to go find his happiness but I think he wants to just stay with me and be miserable. We own a home together and have gone to counseling and we had agreed to spend more time together, talk more, try to reconnect with each other. We spent a month doing that and he seems to have given up because he says the past 10 years he has been waiting (not sure what he meant, maybe waiting for me to change?). I wasn't really aware anything was wrong until recently though.

Answer 1

The only question you should be asking yourself is what do you want? not what you think he wants. You may not like the answer you give because you know it will upset him, but you seem to think you have grown apart anyway what happens if you do all the things to please him leaving yourself unhappy and it will get even messier in the long term.  good luck

Answer 2

You are right you are who you are and to change for anyone would be wrong. The same with him so you guys need to see a professional to try and work through these issues that is if you want to be married.  

Answer 3

Wow, you guys never talked about this stuff before you got married?  That's a shame, because you sound like you are two different paths.  Maybe you two should attend some couselling together and see if you can come to a solution.  

Answer 4

My question is why are you on the internet asking total strangers about whether or not you should end your marriage?  I would ask my husband that question.

Answer 5

you guys should have talked about personal stuff before you got married. well, what's done is done. before you decide to end your marriage, you should try to work things out and attend some counselling first. remember, a relationship is compose of two people who love and respect each other. it takes 2 to tango. you also both need to have one direction. communicate. compromise and settle your differences. If you think you already did your best and still you can't work it out, you better be honest and tell him the truth. it's difficult to spend the rest of your life with someone you are no longer happy with. Though you both already made a promise that is sacred. Do you want to keep it and fight for it? or You would rather let go and save what is still left like friendship? Well, it's like right but sad or wrong but happy? At the end of the day, it is still your decision. Your choice.

Answer 6

It sounds like he may have enjoyed your current style of living because it makes you happy and he doesn't want to feel left out. Then gets angry because he still isn't as happy as you are. You both sound like you love all the good times you had together,but have gone in two different directions. If you don't feel ready, your shouldn't be trying.  

Answer 7

Well, it sounds like you dont have strong feelings one way or the other if your husband leaves or not. It almost sounds like you might favor a divorce. If your husband wants to settle down and have kids, but youre not ready, then he does need to leave. If he is that depressed and upset, then what is he waiting for? You need to figure out if staying married is what you want, and what he wants.  

Answer 8

I think you guys should really sit and talk about this situation before you end your marriage. Explain to him  your feelings about the situation and hear his side. I don't believe this is cause for a divorce it seems. You guys love each other and should work it out. Good luck! !  

Answer 9

Life changes as you get older and so does the family.  I see there is no clear cut goals in your marriage.  Also, I think it takes two unique people to be in a relationship like swinging.  I don't see you taking any part of blame for the uneasiness i your marriage.  Your husband wants a family before it is too late and he wants it with you but there are some change in your relationship that has to be done first.

Counseling only works if both partners are will to give in and start working on what is best for the marriage.  Also I see a lot of "I" in your marriage instead of "we" in your marriage.   You need to put your marriage goals in perspective and you both work on them. If not there is no reason for you both to be still marriage.  Your relationship involves two people working towards the same goals not one just going along for the ride.  Good Luck.

Answer 10

In my opinion , I think that his right as far as you both wanting two different things in life. I think that if you really want to continue having the life that you say is fun , than you should be able to. Maybe be his definition of fun is spending time with you and having a family. no one should make you have children if you do not want to because that is a big responsibility for the rest of your life. I do think you both should go your separate ways; because neither of you should have to be unhappy . Let him find a woman who enjoys the real marriage life , and you should find a man who enjoys experimentation like you do.  

Answer 11

this is very typical.. you are starting to realize that you guys don't have to wear your mask anymore and you are different people.. that is not bad.. you have to be different to make it work.. you need to learn each other and accept your differences.. but, you guys need to really talk.. it sounds like there is a lot not being said.. ya'll need to set the past aside and work on the present and prepare for the future.. you cannot change the past..  

Answer 12

You seem happy.  After all, "Life is beautiful."  So, I don't understand why you're asking whether you should end the marriage.  You are responsible for your own happiness, and you are happy.  Your husband is responsible for his happiness, so it falls to him to figure out what will make him happy.  Help him if you can, sure, but it's not your job to MAKE him be happy.

Answer 13

In my judge mental opinion, You both are sick and twisted.

Not too mention irresponsible, selfish, and very shallow.

(swinger lifestyle? just be honest and say you are not committed to each other)

And then accept that and end the relationship.

You don't want a committed relationship with him.

you want the freedom to have s*x with whoever,

You don't want kids, and you don't care .

Sell the home, split the cash and go your separate ways.

You should go move into a nudist camp, and enjoy your free spirited ways.

And allow him to find his miss family home maker.

He will not make this choice because of his naive loyalty to his marriage vows (hypocrite).  

So, you must make the decision and follow through with it, otherwise you will continue to hurt him, and you will continue to be so free spirited and won't have a clue  

he wants a traditional life, you don't .  

neither of you deserve to have children

Answer 14

In my opinion it seems like you guys should get a divorce. From what I read, I feel bad for your husband! I mean he wants kids, usually its the other way around! I mean after being together for 10 years, I don't blame him for wanting to settle down to start a family.

If you can't give him what he wants(kids) then you should let him go, so he can find someone that can give him that. I'm sorry to say it, but he just sounds like such a good husband, and it seems like you just want to have fun all the time, and don't care what he says.  

Answer 15

here is what i think of your posting.  try not to take this personally though:

1.  it doesn't sound to me like you really want to have kids, and you are going through the motions of trying for his sake.  be honest with yourself.  having kids is not something that you go into with the attitude of "i dont care, one way or the other".  that doesn't work.  several of your comments made it sound like you feel that having kids would impede your freedom and your fun.  you need to tell your husband that now, as he deserves to be informed.  unfortunately, you should have had that discussion before you were married.

2.  your husband is absolutely right that you should not be swinging once you have kids.  i am not going to give my commentary about that lifestyle, as you didn't ask about that.  what i will say is that it's a sure fire way to add confusion and dysfunction to a child's mind.  i dont care how on the QT that you try to keep it either.  kids have eyes, ears, and they pick up on things that you don't think that they do.  in my opininion, you can swing or have kids, you can't have both.  just out of curosity, i'm betting that the swinging was your idea, correct?  

3.  it sounds to me like you and your husband are coming from two different places and communication styles.  being a free spirit is fine, but it sounds like your husband is much more conservative than you.  you and he need to do some marriage counseling as soon as possible.  while that is happening, you need to suspend your swinging lifestyle as it is hard enough to work on a marriage without having other people crawling into/out of your bed.  perhaps you and he can come to some sort of common ground again.  

4.  it also sound like you are more the dominant one in the relationshp.  telling your husband that he was free to leave...did you really mean that, cuz if you do, you might want to reconsider your commitment to the marriage.  "free spirit" should not be used in conjunction with marriage.  period.  it's not "easy in, easy out"  that doesn't work.  he is not innocent either.  he should stand up to you and for what he believes, as his "doormat" mentality has caused some of this mess.  

i do wish you and your spouse luck though.  you and he have a lot to work through.