Should we foster my best friends daughter?

Question

My best friends 13yr old daughter is pretty much a troubled run-away. She ADORES ME and wants to come live with me as her and her mother have massive issues.

I have 8, 6 & 3 yr old girls of my own.

I think she would be fine, and it wouldnt be forever, but what are your opinions?

Answer 1

Sounds like a tough spot to be in.  I applaud your desire to help!

Personally, I have zero faith in the government's ability to raise a child.  Thus I'm for you!  It won't be easy, for sure.  But I wish you and everyone involved the very best of luck.

Answer 2

Although it's great that you want to help your friend and her daughter, do not take her in.  You are enabling her defiant behavior.  As you will soon find out, all 13 yr olds think they know everything about everything.  She has not yet learned how to compromise.  If you take her in, she will never learn how to compromise with her parents.  Let her become a ward of the state.....she may learn something about life and that you can't always get what you want.  She will quickly learn that at 13 she needs to be supervised and guided.  She will also learn that when things don't go her way she can't just run away and find someone else to fix her problems.

Maybe if you explain some reality to her so that she knows that she is not going to get her way, she will be more willing to try at home.  A little professional counseling may help.

Answer 3

Put Yourself In Her Position Or Better Still Answer The Question As If It Was One Of Your Daughters That Needed Help. I Think You Know The Answer Darl And If You Can Help, Don't You Think You Should?

God Bless And Guide You To The Right Answer Darl.

Answer 4

foster her pleas.way not?

Answer 5

I would take her in but first sit her down and give her the rules that she will have to follow. If she dont want to follow the rules the deal is off.

Answer 6

If you want too and am able too, then do it. Im sure your friend would rather her be with you, where she can see her, rather then in foster care. Just make sure your mate helps out with money :)

Best of luck

Answer 7

Don't get involved.  Her running away to someone else's home will not solve their problems.  Family counseling may help them, but not living with someone else.  Do not do it.

Answer 8

You have to look at what her "massive issues" and troubles are.  Is she involved with drugs, gangs or a bad crowd.  How will these troubles affect your current home and will they put your current children or you in danger?

Also if this girls is troubled and she needs stability and unconditional love (NOT to be mistaken with NO DISCIPLINE). So you have to be willing to take her in with all her troubles, willing to discipline her when she tests you but still put up with her issues and let her know she is safe and has a place to stay not matter what she throws at you.

The teenager needs to know prior to moving in she is not coming on vacation and will not be treated like a guest. That she is part of the family, that there will be rules, there will be consequences for breaking those rules,  there will be chores and the fact you have other small children who may need your attention at times - your world will not revolve around her - she be a part of your family not the center of it.   Let her know up front what will be expected of her  - attending school, doing homework, chores, cleaning up after herself and helping around the house, sharing things with your daughters.   That way she does not come in expecting a free for all and get resentful of the rules.

Answer 9

That is a really sticky situation. You need to look at everything before you bring this child into your home. Will this troubled run away rubb off her negative attitiude on your younger children. And while she likes you now, will this all change when you change from the mothers friend to the authority poisition. Why is if the police are involved that they cant just force the girl to go home with her mother? Now im not for any second saying you are even thinking anything wrong with toying with the idea of taking her in. i think it is a very honorable and selfless thing. And if you are up for the challenge you could very well be the person to change this girls life around and put her on the right track. It will be extrememly difficult. I do agree that by taking her in you could be sending mixed signals about her getting her way. Is her real mother really that bad that she cant live with her? What is to stop her from changing her mind and turning on you this way?  I think overal this is a decision you need to make on your own. Goodluck, im sure what ever you choose will be right for you and your family as well as the girl.

Answer 10

We are going through much the same thing here, I have two sides for you to think about (or at least this is how it is happening to us.) 1. When our friends daughter started becoming trouble, she was 12, she ran away, started sleeping with older men, and her parents did not care or step up to help her out. We took her for a summer and she was a total uproar to our house. She was horrible to our two little children. Caused huge fights and stressed the whole family out. When fall came her mother wanted her back, because she said she needed the welfare check and taxes. We argued for a while and decided to let her go back. During that summer she did actually calm down, we moved away from her friends, and got her on the correct medicines as she was diagnoised with bipolar disease. For the next four years she visited on weekends twice a month and stayed two weeks every summer. But her parents don't want to sign her over to us, and we are not sure we want her to be a permanent stress in our children's lives. Which brings me to point 2. she is now 16 has been in and out of the detention center 4 times, is listed on probation until she is 18, and has a one year old son. While she spent 90 days in the center we kept her son as her mother doesn't want the responsibility. If we had forced the issue when she was 12 these things may not have happened.

So my advice to you is to think about this greatly. On one hand she will be a big adjustment to your family and take away alot of attention and love from your own children. On the other hand you may be her only hope for the future. We made our choice not to and now are in the process of finding out how to make that one year olds life better as his mother and father are both in state custody at this time. Our problem with that is that no one wants to volentarily let us keep him, because they lose the money that they get for having him. Sad really that he is just a check to all of them.

Contact me if you would like to talk more about this.

Answer 11

I would take her in. But don't give her any special treatment. Give her a day or 2 to collect her thoughts and get settled in, but then treat her just as you would your own with rules, disciplin, and chores. I understand you wanting her to get a taste of real life, but I would hate to see something happen to her and then you not be able to forgive yourself down the line. AS long as your best friend wants this.