Should we or shouldnt we?

Question

My husband and I have adopted a child almost 8 mts ago, her biological siblings are in foster care and the CPS has contacted us to see if we would be interested in doing fostercare for them. Of course we feel it is our duty to do this for our daughter and for these children that have noone else willing to care for them. The problem we are having now is my stepson who has lived with us for the last 8 years is now saying he wants to live with his mom due to the new circumstances. My husband and i discussed all of the scenerios with his sons before we made the commitment to take in my daughters siblings, and they were both agreeable.. We both feel like this is somethign we need to do for our daughter and for the fact that god had blessed us tremendously with her and how could we explain to her when she is old enough to understand that we would not help her siblings. This may be temporary , or it may be long term, but either way are we wrong? Should we just let our son go live with his mom and then if he changes his mind and wants to come back let him?

Answer 1

I wonder if your stepson's wanting to move out is his way of testing to find out how much he matters now.  He may be feeling overwhelmed, outnumbered, and lonely. His brother is about to graduate and there's going to be a whole other family living there now.  How has his relationship been with his new sister? I'm thinking she's pretty young since you talk about "when she's old enough to understand".  He might be feeling the way a lot of teens do when their fathers/mothers start a new family with their stepparents. If it's something like that, letting him go might make him feel like you are choosing his new sister over him or that you just don't care for him that much.

I know you said you already sat and discussed this with the boys.  Can you sit with the fourteen year old again and ask him what his concerns are and if there's a way for them to be addressed short of moving out?  Tell him how very important he is to both you and his father and that you are willing to work with him on making the situation acceptable to each of you.  

Answer 2

I think you should, yes.  BUT, not out of obligation or a feeling that you owe it to your daughter.  The other kids' feelings are as important as hers, and it would suck to feel like a charity case, you know?  (I'm not saying you would purposely treat them like they're charity cases, I'm saying it would feel that way, as a kid, knowing that someone only took them in because they felt they *should*.)  [ETA:  The power differential zendall mentioned is a good point, kind of along the same lines.  You want all the kids to feel equal, and if you don't really, truly *want* to care for your daughter's siblings, it will set up a situation where the foster kids have a debt of gratitude hanging over their heads, but no other children in the house have that same debt.]

I think your stepson should be allowed to decide where he wants to live whether new kids are coming into the house or not.  JMO.

Answer 3

I had custody of my cousins children for some time, it was a huge adjustment.  There were many times when things didnt go my sons way that he wanted to go live with grandma, however that was not an option. I told him that this is where he lived and this is where he'd stay, he couldnt leave just cause he didnt like something. i realize your situation is a bit different.  Depending on how long he has lived with you, i would not give him the option of going back and forth. In life we dont always get to chose what we want, if he had a job he wouldnt just get to quit cause they hire someone he doesnt like. Make him stick it out to at least try it. then discuss it after a month

Answer 4

you said your stepson has lived with you for 8 years, but you didnt say how old he is, or how old the other siblings are. Depending on your stepsons age, he may grow to enjoy the extra children around. Personally, I too feel you should take in the extra children. Siblings are important to each other and they need each others love.  

Answer 5

Under no circumstances, should your son dictate whether you take the children or not. My concern, is that you have adopted one sibling and the others will be foster children. I was in a similar situation where my sister was adopted and I was taken in. The situation is really too uneven and did not lead to good sibling relationships. Unless this is going to be temporary, you think that the kids will be quickly adopted by another couple, or you plan to adopt them someday, please reconsider.  

Answer 6

How old are the siblings of your adopted daughter?

This is not an easy thing as so many people seem to think.  We have adopted twin brothers through the System, and we know of many other families who have done the same.

You DO need to consider the children in your home.  This is a tremendous upheaval, and one which affects their lives emotionally and physically.  Children in the foster system are there because of serious things like physical/emotional/sexual abuse.  We have knows of children who act out sexually because they were molested.  Sad as this is, you must consider the safety of the children currently in your care.

Unfortunately, caseworkers and the System aren't always forthcoming about the "special needs" of the children they are trying to place.  Sometimes they are just desperate to get the child placed, and don't really consider if it's a "good fit" for everyone.

I urge you to have the siblings come for overnight/weekend visits for several months and see how they function in your family.  And listen to the feedback from your older children.  They might have something very worthwhile to say.

Answer 7

Try and talk to your son, tell him why it is important for your adoptive daughter to have her biological siblings around because being separated from siblings is extremely difficult. It's really hard. I'm weighing up the issues and even though your son is unhappy about it he will eventually get used to it and as long as you make sure he still gets the attention he deserves he should be fine. The concequences of not fostering them outweigh your son's discomfort with it, even though it is genuine. You just have to find a way to make it easier for him. Just make sure you don't concentrate so much on them that you begin to ignore him, this might be what he is worried about. He also might feel a bit intimidated with suddenly getting two more siblings. So hopefully these issues will resolve themselves in time.

I used to threaten to run away and so on when I was little because my parents kicked my foster brother out because he was difficult to test them to see if they would still keep me if I misbehaved (which they did and confused me even more). What you need to to is communicate. My parents apart from asking my opinion about kicking him out (and i said "but I want a brother" and burst into tears) they didn't listen to me or care and I felt unvalued. tell him you hear what he is saying and during the whole process tell him EVERYTHING, say you are getting these children because you WANT them and you still love him as much as before.

It may be bringing up other emotions to do with his own fostering, ask him if he is thinking about anything and tell you if there's anything he wants to know or anything you can do to help.

Answer 8

I think your son is acting out just like any child would even if you had another biological child.  He is used to being the center of attention and he got some of that taken away when you adopted your daughter. Now you are talking about bringing in more children.  He feels like all of his attention and time with you and your husband will disappear completely.  I think you and your husband need to sit down and really talk to him and maybe set up some special dates with him so he still feels special.  

Answer 9

I agree with Jesus Girl that you absolutely do need to consider the needs of the children in your home now.  They need to come first.  This is so much more complicated than taking in children who need a home.  It sounds great, and wonderful but it is REALLY hard. It is hard to meet everyone's needs.  It is easy to resent the "new" kids for the disruption in the household. It is hard not knowing how long they will be with you.  It is not the same as adopting. You have to answer to the state, you have to arrange visits, counseling, etc...Believe me having kids in your custody is not the same thing as adopting.  Waiting and hoping for someone to finish their program is tough, because for the most part it comes with disappointment.  It is a rollercoaster ride.

I have two in my custody now who are family members. I love them dearly but it has been the hardest thing imaginable to love them, and meet the needs of my own kids.  The thing is that these kids have come with needs far beyond our imagination and most of our energy right now goes to meeting their needs.  Honestly, this has impacted our kids greatly. Your son is telling you he is concerned that their may not be enough time for HIM, he is right.  There is always enough love but time? No.

I'm not saying don't do it. I'm just saying that it is not as easy as one might think.  I'm also saying listen to your son.  His needs matter too. If you do decide to take in the kids, he should have the option to go to his mom's.  Understand that taking in new kids will impact your own greatly.   It is a wonderful thing if you choose to do this, but go into it with open eyes.  I wish someone had told me a little bit of what we would face.  I wish I had been more prepared.  Please feel free to e-mail me.  Good luck.