Should we.......?

Question

Should we?

My wife has a little boy (he's not mine) and I have taken care of him and raised him since we started dating (we are now married). He calls me dad and I treat him like he is my own and if anyone asks me, I just say he is mine. She has brought up the idea of changing his last name to mine since our baby will have my last name (She is 3 days overdue, should have baby soon). I would love for him to have my last name since I have taken care of him, but do you think it is a good idea?? His real father is not around, the father left her when he was 7 weeks old.

Answer 1

That sounds like a good idea to me. If both of you are happy about it and you have talked about it, then go for it. I have 2 friends whose father were never around and ended up being adopted by there moms new husband. They both love there dads like its there bio dad, and never consider the other guy as there dad at all. One of them grew up knowing that her dad wasnt her bio dad, and the other one didnt find out untill she was about 14, and it was hard at first for her b/c it was such a big shock, but once the shock wore off she wouldnt have wanted it any other way. So seeing how both the girls knew about it, and took it, my only suggestion would be to have him grow up knowing that you are his of course his daddy and always will be, but that you arent his bio dad, to avoid the shock later in life. Good Luck!

Answer 2

just be awarwe that all ties to his bfather are done for.  if he grows up and somehow becomes close to that guy, and has any thing that could come up for him legally (such as making a choice to pull his fathers plug or not) no one will grant him a say.

i used that as an example bc my neighbor just watched her bfather suffer for 4 months and she had no right to decide anything bc her mother had signed those rights away.

Answer 3

why not? Its important to give th child some stability, and blood doesnt make the connection, love does. Go for it.

Good luck

Answer 4

One of my closest friends was in almost the exact same situation, except she was the child, not the parent. She is very happy to have the same last name as her dad and it has been a wonderful expierience, one which she does not regret at all. i think you definately should!

Answer 5

not a bad idea but she might need the bio fathers permission to do this. You could always adopt him but she'd still need his permission. If he can't be found there is a way where they run his name in the paper a few times to locate him.

Answer 6

How old is the little boy? Does his father have any contact at all? Is he still in the area? Is he a danger to the child?  Has the mother ever reached out to the biological father to see if he wants to visit his son or was it a bad breakup and she wants nothing to do with him.  If the child is young and circumstances beyond his control have prevented him from seeing his bio father, things might change when he is older.  He might want to have a relationship with him.

I agree with those who say that it should be up to the son.  If he is too young to make that decision then wait.  It is his biological father, his past, and even though he may see you as his dad because you raised him, it would be wrong of you to assume what he wants.  Just wanting everyone to have the same last name is not a good reason.

Answer 7

Sounds like he IS your son in everything but name, so make it official. Talk to a lawyer though. If the birth father can be located, he'll have to sign papers. If he is not, then they need to post an ad in a paper (pick a really small one in your state) for a few weeks then it is over and you can change his name.

Answer 8

How old is your step-son?  If he's old enough to ask about it, then ask him what he wants.  

I have a little boy who is 4.  His father hasn't been truly IN the picture since he was 8 months, and has been completely out of the picture since he was two.  (In the intervening years, he saw him maybe 8 times, probably for a combined total of less than 3 hours).  However, my son carries his father's last name.  When my ex first left I still had some hopes that we would re-unite and couldn't bear to change my son's name away from his.  This will became even stronger when I had to let my son be seperated from his sister - at least they shared something, a name!  Does your step-son have any siblings and/or grandparents?  This is something to consider.  

However, almost since my ex left, my parents have been bagering me to change my sons last name to ours.  (I never chaned my name when I was with my ex - so I've always had my maiden name.)  We live in a small town, and people KNOW my parents, they know my family, and they feel like my son will get better treatment if he's easily associateable with our family.  On the other hand, they also truly HATE my ex.  I can't hate my ex, not truly, because I really see him as psychologically ill...  and it's hard to hate someone for being nuts.  I'm afraid that their main reason for wanting to change my son's name is to try to obliterate any sign of the other side of his family from him.  

Yet, they do bring up some good points.  My son gets to see his sister regularly (which I didn't expect when I first had to allow the kids to be seperated) and he knows his paternal grandparents - so it's not like changing his name will be erasing his family.  While it is a legal process, my ex NEVER responds to court documents, and so it would probably go through without a hitch as long as we "waited out" running the legal notices in the paper and such.  Also, being easily identified as "one of us" will be good for him in school.  It will make him noticed, so he won't be overlooked in school, little league, or other extra-curricular activities.  It will also make it easier on teachers and coaches in the future to not have to be wondering about "what to call me"....  and, of course, our last name is MUCH easier to spell and pronounce than his.    

I was almost beginning to waiver, and thought that perhaps my son WOULD be more comfortable with my last name.  I decided to ask HIM...  he's only 4, so I wasn't sure he would really care one way or the other or have a preference.  Well, he DOES!  He definitely wants his name to stay the way it is.  He knows nothing about his father, and doesn't even know the name comes from him, but he doens't want anyone messing around with his name.  We've asked him multiple times, in multiple different ways, on multiple different days.  His answer has never waivered - he wants the name the way it is.  

However, there may come a time when I marry again in the future (who kows) and I'll offer a name change to my son again at that point in time.  I also be open if he ever comes and tells me he WANTS to change his name - but I've decided not to do it to him now, and not against his will.  

This has been long, but I thought maybe my story would help you with yours.  Basically, my answer is to ask your son IF he is old enough.  If he's truly still a baby and doesn't know his name yet - then you might as well go ahead and change it.  Changing his name isn't the same as adopting him, and if he doesn't like it later, he can always change it back.  Similarly, if he's resistant to the idea of changing his name now - don't push it.  You can always do it later if he wants to.

Answer 9

My cousin remarried and had a daughter with her new husband.  Her daughter from her first marriage refers to her step dad as "dad" (her father passed away,) but she kept her last name.  

Since a name is a big part of a person's identity, I would suggest not doing it unless her son says he wants to do that.  It sounds like he's really not old enough to make a decision like that yet, though.  I don't feel that wanting everyone's name to be the same is not a good enough reason to make a decision like that for someone else.  If in the future her son states that this is something he wants to do, then fine.  Otherwise, the important thing is the close relationship you two share.

Answer 10

if ur love to give his to ur name depend ur love

Answer 11

hi, it depends on the age of the child as we gave our daughters the option as they were 9 and 11 years.

As your child is only small ,you could go ahead AS LONG AS THE TRUE FATHER HAS NO CONTACT. BEST WISHES YOUR DOING A GREAT JOB. SHYANNE.

Answer 12

it seems to me that you are a family and so should have the same surname but your wife will,more than likely,have to get the permission of his biological father to do this......just remember that just because you are biologally a father or mother doesn't necessarily make you a parent and he obviously isn't you are and that is what matters

Answer 13

It's really your decision but I think yes would be a great answer.

Answer 14

Why not?

You love him and plan to be daddy. I think it's a wonderful idea!!!

The only thing to keep in mind is he will forever be considered yours, like his birthfather never existed-- that means if there is ever a case for child support, you'll have to pay it for both kids, not just the one you are genetically related to!

Good luck with your decision.

Answer 15

she may need to get his permission not quite sure how it works, is his name on the birth certificate? pretty sure you need permission if it is.