Should we separate even if we have kids?

Question

My husband and I have been married for over 3 years. We have 2 children under the age of 5. We've not had s*x in 5 months because I am just not attracted to him. We are going to counseling and he has been trying, I just don't think I want to try anymore. I will always love him but we have just been co-parenting and co-existing for many months now. We don't ague. We were told to go on dates but there is this uncomfortable silence. I am just wondering if we are better as friends. I would hate to split up my family but I don't love him like he deserves to be. 6 months ago he went through rehab for painkillers and it was really hard for both of us. Some things I found out just made me think differently of him. I feel like a horrible person because I don't want to save our marriage and he says that he does. He has told me before that he didn't care if he was miserable with me but as long as he could be with the kids he didn't care.

I am very confused and scared. I know that if we separate he would have to find a cheap apartment and we would both struggle financially. I would never keep the kids from him and worked out a 60/40 calender for custody.

Answer 1

You mentioned that your husband had a chemical dependency problem it might interest you to know that once you go through this type of stress you tend to lose your desire for your husband as a lover. You have just seen the ugliest side of him and had to go through the pain of being in a chemically addicted relationship. It would be very normal to feel this way, like he had his chance and now you want yours.

Is it possible that you are still angry about what you went through? Is it possible that you have not yet forgiven him? It is it possible that you are just tired of giving to someone that you felt didn't give to you. Whatever he has told you about his using behaviors obviously shocked and disgusted you and part of you may have thought, "I'm in love with someone who could do this?!" If that's the case you have to be really honest with yourself and a counselor and seek professional help.

It's not wrong for you to feel these things, you just need to be very clear about your choices and make the best one for you and and your family. God Bless.

Answer 2

I think you should get advice from people around you and think this over well. Once you make a mistake on this type of things, it is really hard to fix it and you might end up regretting what you did.

P.S. Sometimes kids are everything for parents. Even if parents don't love each other, they stay together for kids. Having a split family might cause psychological problems for kids, especially young ones.  

Answer 3

I've been through my parents' divorce and discussed it often with my mother, who has since studied divorce as part of her education to becoming a family and marriage therapist.

I've formed my opinion of divorce out of my experience and these discussions, and I am confident that children cannot be happy when their parents aren't happy.  Perhaps the biggest challenge you may face is guilt- for no reason should you feel that a divorce would be selfish, or that you ought to stick it out for the kids.  You know your children, and they know you.  When your marriage isn't happy, you and your husband aren't happy, and your children can tell.  Often it's what's unsaid, what's expressed by uncomfortable silences or by someone pretending not to be upset that can hurt your children the most.

Divorce is different now that you're a parent, and it's not just about you or your husband any more, or your feelings or his.  It's about your responsibility to be the best parent you can be to your children.  See a counselor privately, and have them help you assess the situation.  But without knowing you or your family, the best advice I can give you is this:

This problem is larger and more important than you or your feelings, even though it is very much about those same things.  You need to be the best parent to your children that you can be, and to do that you need to start by finding your own happiness.  But it's not just your happiness- it's a happiness you'll share with your children.  If you and your husband's relationship lacks happiness or love, then that's the kind of relationship you're modeling for your children, and they'll see it no matter how well you disguise your feelings (which isn't healthy for you, anyway).  They need to see NOW and for the next 20, 30, 40 years of their life what it means to have a loving, healthy relationship, and you are shaping that picture every day.

Be courageous for yourself and for your kids, whatever your do.

Answer 4

I don't think you have looked into his eyes for awhile. I mean really look. Look at his face too. Look at how he is with the kids. See how he is with you. I would suggest just watching for awhile longer. You have really valid reason to create something new. Be 100% responsible for how your marriage is going to go. These are the cards you were dealt, now play full out.  

Answer 5

Sit down and discuss this maybe you can work out a living arrangement that works. Get a split level share expenses two heads are better than one Tell him he deserves a better deal than what you have given him and so do you and you both share two beautiful children .

Answer 6

I think you should consider the level of love and commitment you have toward one another.  Living in the same house together only for the sake of the kids is not a great idea.  You have to remember that they will grow up learning about family dynamics from you both, and I don't think you would want them to learn that being married means having a loveless miserable relationship, do you?

Maybe you both should try counseling and really see if the romance and love is still there.  It's worth the shot.  

If it doesn't work out you can always be friends and be good parents.  Although you might have to struggle financially, always remember that the most important thing for your kids will be to see you both happy and to get the love they need from both of you.

Answer 7

Don't rush any big decision. I think you're bored and tired, but there's still hope. Give yourself a break, then try again.

Answer 8

Just listen to your heart what do u want,men are not everything  

Answer 9

the problem is in you. try to think what made your husband 'unattracted' to you now. if there is something. speak up! sometimes, COMMUNICATION is the problem between husband and wife. try to resolve things, for the kids. of course, you dont want to have a BROKEN FAMILY. it would HURT your kids. unless you want it that way. dont get the WRONG IDEA of thinking that

"IT HAPPENS TO MOST FAMILIES STUFF!" dont do it just because in your culture,it is okay for families to break up if they dont feel liking each other anymore. you'll be raising THE SAME attitude of children in the future! Talk. thats what you guys need. you should be happy about your husband despite of what you think, he still wants a family. in you...

Answer 10

What made you changed the attitude towards him?

Answer 11

you have to go with your heart. no one knows your situation better than you. if you are just bored and need something but you do not know what. then stay. but like i said do not let anyone tell you what to do. make the decision and stick with it. good or bad. what ever you decide ,it will be hard but you will make it. make sure you have a degree or schooling before you go out alone with the kids. good luck!

Answer 12

I was married for almost 5 years and had two children with my ex husband then we divorced. I felt the same way you did.  He was addicted to pain killers as well.  THis is a tough question.  I think it depends on how important family is to you.  When I got my divorce, I was not thinking about keeping my children involved with their dad, cause at the time, he was thinking about taking a pill or two.  And after I found out about the pills, there were other things I found out about that I had no clue about during the relationship.  I was gone,,,,no turning back, I didn't even consider any financial issues or anything, I walked out and never looked back.....   The thing is... now I'm a little older, I have had another child by someone else, and I'm getting ready to get married again.  I hate to swap my first two girls with their dad.  I hate that I can't be there to make sure they are ok all the time.  He gets them VERY rarely, which is okay with me.  At this point in My life, I would consider what is in the best interest for my kids, not what is in the best interest for myself.   I don't know your situation, but you're more than welcome to email me if you need to vent.