Should we share with my wife's children that their new twin sisters are by donor egg?

Question

My wife's children know we are having twin girls. They are very excited. They are 9 and 12.

What they don't know is that their twin sisters were egg donated, so they will not be blood-related.

Thus far, we have withheld this information from the kids because we feel the babies deserve to know before anyone else that they are not biologically related to their mother.

However, we don't intend on telling the babies until they are a little older and able to completely understand all the implications without having possibly abandonment issues associated with biological mothers and adoption.

Should we share this information with my stepkids or should we tell them after we tell the babies themselves?

Answer 1

It's a tough issue you are dealing with.  I agree with other posters that your step daughters do not need to be told anything as of yet. I was wondering though if you had considered just telling the older girl first. She is almost a teenager and within a few years she will be old enough to view a situation this complexity with more maturity than the younger children would have. I agree that if you tell the older kids first you risk the chance of them telling their younger siblings before you can. You might want to talk with your kids and surreptitiously try and find out if they suspect there was anything about their new siblings conception that was less than ordinary.  Kids are very perceptive and they probably already know more than you think. If they think something wasn't "normal" they may pass this thought along to your other kids without them actually knowing what it was. That to me would be worse than them spelling the truthful beans. If they have no idea at all that this happened, then it may be best to wait and tell them all at once. It's a big decision and good luck with it.

Answer 2

I think it's a problematic issue, but in my humble opinion, you should tell the kids.  Whilst it's noble to want to tell the babies first, the fact is that it's going to be years before they can understand the concept - by which time, if you tell the existing kids then, they may well feel you;ve been 'lying' to them all that time.

One thing you might like to try is searching for children's books that cover these sorts of topics - I have friends who were in a similar situation, who had books that they read to their kids from day one, so that 'the truth was out'.  

However you do it, I feel that honesty and openness are the best options: kids aren't stupid.  They know when something is being kept from them.  Just lead by example and teach the 9 and 12 year olds that their new sisters will be their 'sisters' in all other senses of the word.

Answer 3

I think the conversation can wait for now.  There really isn't a reason to explain the whole process to them yet but when they are a little older i would tell them.  I agree though that the twins should find out first otherwise they will find out from the sisters which can turn out bad