Should we tell our son who his biological father is?

Question

Last night we told our 6 year old son that he had a birth father (in addition to his daddy my husband) that helped make him. That is how we explained it to him. We reassured him that daddy loved him and would always be his daddy and nothing could change that. He took it all very well. My husband is in the process of adopting him so we thought that it was time to tell him. But.. he did ask who his birth father was. I didn't know if I should tell him just yet so I told him that daddy and I needed to talk about it and that we wanted him to take this in first.....I just don't know if he should know just yet...

Answer 1

You told your 6 year old son that!  That was your first mistake.  You should've waited until he was a little older and more mature.  I think you should let it drop for now and tell him when you think he can handle it.

Answer 2

Since you have already opened the can you may as well spill the beans. Keep in mind that many childhood memories start at around 5 or 6. Keep a very sympathetic and attentive ear open to his wants and needs.  Watch for unusual or disruptive behavior as these are signs that you are stressing this child out beyond his capabilities to handle.Do only that which is absolutely necessary. I grew up knowing that I was adopted and that when I turned 18 I would meet my birth parents if that is what I and them wanted. It was just the facts. All turned out well, despite the fact that they are morons!

Answer 3

not at the age of 6! i say wait until he is like 8 -9 years of age. but not like 13 or 16.

Answer 4

well sence u told him that ur husband is not the real father so might as well finish the story

Answer 5

right but maybe wrong , is a bit young me thinks but yes tell him

Answer 6

Sure.  Give the guy a first name.  Describe him a little.  Like 'His name is Greg and he's got brown eyes just like you and he's very tall...etc.'  Also, be prepared for the 'why doesn't he like me/why doesn't me want me' question.  It tends to follow.

I guess for me it would depend on what the guy was like.  If he was a psycho rapist/murderer who was never going to change his ways then I'd be reluctant to say too much in case the child wants to meet his biological father.

Edit:

In response to whirliekurlie's answer - I get her point but when kids are little they have a chance of adapting better.  Most adults who find out they were adopted or had different parents to what they thought feel lied to and find it a huge slap in the face.  If you know for most of your life then it really isn't a big deal.

I've heard of some parents handling it like this - they tell their children, right from when they are little babies that they are adopted and most definately still loved by their adopted parents.  I know this case is a little different but pre-teens to early 20's is a very turbulant time in a child's life.  No need to add more stress.

Answer 7

Yes

Hope

Answer 8

I was adopted when i was nine by my dad, && i know who my real dad is. I was also told why he isnt around && what he has done. I love my adopted father more than anyone because he is the one that has been there for me almost my whole life! Nothing is going to change that, && me finding out who my real dad was didnt!! You should tell him or else he is gonna spend forever wondering. Try your best to answer every question he asks as honest as you can because that is what helped me!

Good Luck!!

It's gonna be fine

TRUST ME!

Answer 9

I think the younger you tell him, the more normal it'll be. If you're calm about it, he'll accept it as another fact of life. By the time he's older, he wont have to go through the reunion stuff. I think be honest with him and tell him who his bio dad is.

Answer 10

You should tell him now and get it over with....if he finds out himself he may feel differnet...& its better for you to tell him at a young age then rather let him find out when hes older!

Answer 11

I'm an adoptive mother, and I believe whole heartedly in open adoption.  Your personal situation is a little different.  

I also do a lot of work with an agency that only does open adoptions.  I work with both birth parents and with adopted children.  Every child is different.  Some don't care a thing about knowing the details about their birth parents.  Other kids get so hung up on it that it affects every facet of their lives.  My advice would be to anser his questions matter of factly and let him lead the way.  When his curiosities are answered, he'll likely go on about his daily business as if it never happened.  Don't be surprised if you revist those curiosities at different points in his growing up and even his adult years.

Answer 12

you are messing him up, you are his parents and he need not know about being fathered by another man, since you already spilled the beans wait until he is out of college to tell him who is birth father is and hope he doesn't hate you and his father for all of this

Hey STEPH,

You ask a question "Should we tell our son who his biological father is?"  and then you get all bent out of shape when someone answers you to your disliking even lashing back.  Are you SURE that YOU are ready to be a parent as your behavior here shows me that you are not ready to teach any child how to deal with those who do not agree with them....... Take Care and God Bless

Answer 13

I wouldn't bring it up again. If he has no contact with his bio dad, then there is no reason to give him information about him until he's an adult.

If he keeps asking about the bio dad, tell him that you'll tell him what he needs to know when he's 18, but right now, it's not important.