Should we try therapy or get a divorce?

Question

We have been married for 5 years, together 15 years, no kids...

we are in a very stressful situation, my husband has been unemployed for 10 months and has started a MBA (high debts and non-stop studying) and I will start a part-time job and I am a full-time student....

so a lot of stress, no money and no social life either in the city where we live...

We are disappointed in each other;

Me because he started smoking again after 15 years not doing it at all, he gambles and goes out every chance he gets all night long

He is disappointed in me because I don´t get along with most of his friends and because I don´t want to move back to his city (where his friends live)

I am very depressed and want to take antidepressants (I took them during 9 years and stopped taking them 1 year ago) and he is against me taking them (I suspect because then our sexlife would disappear again) now we have s*x, but we don´t make love, if you know what I mean...basically we are both very stressed and disappointed...thank you for taking the time for reading this..

Answer 1

Once you said moking and gambling, it weaqs over for me...they are addictions which he refuses to acknowledge and cure. That Alone is a divorce.

He is no one to be near anymore. In addition, speak to a lawyer about writing in the papers you are not possible for his debts anymore. Also, cancel all joint credit cards and take one in your name only. This is very serious. This is not salvagable to me based on the fact he is stubboirn, mentqally ill, and  he has such attitudes and behaviors wich render him   unworkable....and I amaa guy.

Answer 2

It's ok if you recognize that you made a mistake.  Sharing a house with someone who "goes out every chance he gets all night long" is not a marriage.  He broke those vows a long time ago.  I can't tell you what to do because you know the full story.  However, if my health was at risk because of another person, I would not stay.

Answer 3

Sounds like a typical marriage, except for having s*x. What's the problem?

Answer 4

I am sorry you are in a bad and painful spot.  That decision is NEVER easy.  In my humble opinion counseling sometimes makes the hurt worse not better.  But that would be for you to decide.  But to be on antidepressants for more than half your relationship.  Well sometimes you can love a person but they are just not good for you.  No matter how much counseling you seek.  I would find your strength and courage and make a move that is right for YOU, no one else..

  I wish you Strength, Courage and ALL the Happiness...

Answer 5

you can try therapy but there's not a guarantee it will work. I wish you luck though. Some people hit bad spots in their life and do not know how to pick back up. If ya'll are both broke and so forth why are you in school right now? wouldn't the thing be to get jobs, get on your feet, catch up, fix your relationship and then go to school when things are better. Sounds like a plan to me. Ya'll have to give in at some point if you plan on staying together. Men are not the only ones who have to work. You are or will be working part time is great, although I'm not sure how that will pay the bills. wish you luck.

Answer 6

You should try therapy. When you get married to someone divorce should never been an option unless you didn't know the person you married like a Britney Spears Vegas wedding chapel when drunk. Otherwise, stay married and to therapy. Your husband has been unemployed and is trying to reach his career goals while you are not supporting him or being there for him when he really needs you most.

I have done a lot in helping my husband reach his goals...he just completed his masters degree last year and yes, I didn't like all the time I had to help him study. We have a child which meant I did over time and was lonely at times missing him. Now my husband is entering another program that requires several months of non-stop studying and costs a lot of money...debt. I will soon have to be supportive again and it causes me stress and I miss him. But hard work pays off in the long run. Hang in there!

Answer 7

Not a divorce.  It actually sounds like you are doing ok, as you are getting to know each other, dealing with life problems, and still having s*x.  Everyone has problems.  It's a good sign you are here to discuss it.

I am 40 and a non-smoker and in the past month I smoked 4 packs because I'm going nuts over my wife who doesn't want to have s*x and won't talk about it.  She's never liked s*x in 12 years of marriage.  I'm horny and going crazy.  So you see, everybody has problems.  Oh, and I should mention, I drink beer by the gallon, probably at least 2 cases a month, maybe more, and I've done that for 20 years.  That's about 15,000 cans of beer.

Sorry about your hubby being out of work for so long.  Just hang in there and something will work out, he will find a job.  And the two of you will have a stronger bond because you lived through it together.

My only suggestion is, don't be afraid to live independent lives... live each day as best you can by yourself, going to school, going to your part time job.  Try not to worry about hubby or get to over-involved in what he has to do.

You'll make it.

Answer 8

It sounds like you are heading in different directions. Depression is something that needs to be managed.If one medication was hindering you from wanting s*x, try another one. He sounds like he is very selfish and only thinks of his needs.You need to think about your needs !

Answer 9

Counseling of course. Divorce is for quitters.

Answer 10

Do you both still love each other- enough to want to make your marriage work?

There is no problem in a marriage that is too big that cannot be overcome if both mates are united in working through it.  Sometimes a mediator can be a great help.

To a guy, being unemployed is very discouraging and can be a real blow to self-esteem.  Men are wired to be providers.  They are task oriented.   That is how they get affirmation and validation.  But more importantly your husband is being pro-active.  He’s working towards an MBA and he’s working very hard to improve himself.  There is nothing to be disappointed in that.  

You are a full-time student.  That is no easy task.  You’re also going to take on a part-time job.  There is nothing for him to be disappointed in that.

Carrying a large debt load can be very stressful in any marriage.  He’s looking for a quick fix by gambling.   Gambling is a no win situation.  It is a huge mistake.   The gambling has to stop, TODAY, not sometime!  Just make sure your part-time income isn’t going to be used to subsidize his gambling habit.

The smoking is his way of de-stressing.    I don’t condone it but I understand why he has turned to it.   Only he, can quit.  It is also adding to his debt.

If you can avoid staying off the anti-depressants do it.  If they will help you think more clearly then go on them.  But this is just one more indicator that tells me you need counseling intervention.

You have hit the nail on the head.  You are both under a great deal of stress.  And you are disappointed in each other because you believe each is contributing to the  other’s stress- to a point you’re right.  

Some good counseling will help you both see things from a better perspective.  You will learn skills that will significantly help you to deal with these struggles.  Almost everyone could use some good counseling when they hit a wall in their lives.  

Divorce is not going to make your problems go away.  If anything things will get worse.  Both of you need to make some compromises and be willing to move a little closer on your issues.    But you need to have someone walk along side you, help you both hear what the other is saying, and provide the skills that will help you to manage your issues.  You will start looking at things as a team instead of point fingers at each other.  Your husband is not the problem.  And you are not the problem.  But you both need to be on the same page when it comes to conflict resolution.

Moving may not be a good idea right now because moving is near the top of the list when it comes to adding more stress to our lives.  But down the road it may become necessary.  Regardless, the decision has to be unanimous.   Good luck.

Answer 11

Divorce.Counsling never works,you will just spend a lot of money then get divorced anyway in about a year, 2 years tops.

Answer 12

If love is still there I say work it out, get therapy if that fails then you guys can get a divorce.

Answer 13

Remember your vows: "In good times and bad." Sounds like therapy would be your best option for now. It sounds like you both have your own individual problems to work out before you can start working on trying to fix the marriage. You are both unhappy. Even is counseling cannot save your marriage, it may help you to better understand yourselves. If divorce is inevitable, at least you know you gave it your best shot.

Answer 14

Remember your marriage vows.

That answers your question!

Answer 15

Go to counseling.....don't give up just yet....and if the counseling doesn't work....then you may want to consider divorce....sounds like you both are in a never ending cycle....due alot to financial matters....

Answer 16

It sounds like you two have drifted apart. Maybe you should seek a counselor before you make any decisions and see if you can get back on the antidepressants.

Ask yourself if you are happy? Ask him if he is happy and see where you two expect yourselves in the future. Sometimes this is when you both figure out that it isn't working or maybe it is worth fighting for.  Stress, lack of income, loneliness and disapointment can break any relationship down. Are you willing to be in this for more unhappy years wasted or do you want to start living a happy life of your own.

Maybe you two should seperate and deal with what is on your plates at the moment and once you have finished school, see if it will work. You may find out that their is someone else that suits you better and can be more supportive to you.