Should you change the name of a three year old?

Question

My foster daughter's adoption will be finalized this year. Should we change her name? do you think she should have input in the decision? We planned on giving her a new first name and keeping her original name as the middle. Your thought?

Answer 1

I was a foster child. My parents adopted me at the age of three. They didn't change my name, neither first or middle.  I am grateful that the two things I can call my own, that have never changed are my first & middle names. They are MINE.  

Even when I didn't like my first name because for a while growing up, no one else had it.  Even when I thought about changing it for a couple of years when I was 20. (I'm so glad I didn't)  Even though I didn't know who I was named after or why my first mom picked that name for me.  

It's MY name.  It has always been my name.  I've been married, divorced, remarried.  My last name has changed. But my first & middle names have been mine since I came into this world.  

I love my parents for this great kindness! I'm not sure they ever considered changing it.  But I am grateful to them for allowing me my name.  

I have a granddaughter, now 4.  At 3, she most certainly knew her name. She was learning to write it!

How do you tell a child, "You're not Emma anymore, now your Annie".  And keep reminding her, "Your name is Annie, honey.  Did you forget your name?"   Children try hard to please their parents, especially kids who've been through foster care.  

Like Julie J said, she's already lost everything, don't take her name away, too.  Our name is a part of who we are. It's part of a person's identity.

Answer 2

I don't think you should change her name. Its something that she is use to.  There obviously has been a lot of confusion in her life before she came to you wonderful people...by changing her name it will only make the confusion worse. Congrats and Good Luck...I wish you the best.

Answer 3

lol good luck.. my 3 year old wont even let me call him cookie or prince.. he says "NO I AM CALEB" lol

anyways i think a name is there identy but changing it when there that young is better then when there 5+

Answer 4

it depends what her name is now and whether it goes with your last name. If it does then I'd keep it and use a name you like for her middle name - after all she has learnt it by now. If it doesn't go well with your last name then use her current name as her middle name and then use a new first name!

Hope I helped xx

Answer 5

I don't think it would be fair to change her name.  Instead of changing her name, I would maybe give her a nickname that you can use.  Since she is 3, she has lived with her name for all of her life.  She is going through a big change with the adoption, even if she has been with you for a long time.  I wouldn't add another change on top of that by giving her a new name.  Also, some day she might feel upset that you changed her original name.  

I am a foster parent and our foster children are going to be adopted, although it is up in the air whether we will be able to adopt them or they will go somewhere else.  The oldest one is nine and she really does not want her last name changed.  Although she doesn't even have a realtionship with her father, she feels this last name is part of her identity.  Imagine how much more difficult it would be to give up a first name.....

Answer 6

It is completely unfair and rather selfish to changer her name. She is three years old and she knows her name. Stick with it.

Answer 7

I think she should keep her original name. Could be a little confusing for a 3 year old to start going by another name.

Answer 8

I don't think you should.  Her name is probably one of the only links she'll have to her past and her bioligical roots.  Maybe you could give her that name as a middle name.  I don't know if I had a name given to me at birth.  My parents had to rename me, but if I did have a birth name, I would have liked them to keep it.

Answer 9

No. When the child gets older, she can change it if she likes. I don't like my husbands name, so I gave him a nickname.

Answer 10

Why not keep her name as her first name - to signify that it is her original name, and give her a new name as her middle name. Definitely with some input from her... As she is already so old, it seems a bit unfair to change her name - after all, it is a part of who she is.. As she gets older, she can then decide which name she wants people to use.

Answer 11

I have two adopted girls now and I am adopting two more from Ethiopian.  I have changed (or will) all of their names.  I did this beacuse I see the giving of a name as a gift.  I thought and reseached and found the perfect name with teh perfect menaing for each of my children.  It is part of their adoption story.

I kept all of their birthanmes as their middle names.  When they are adults, or even my four year old from Ethiopia, will get to choose which name she wants to go by.

I say, that if you want to do or feel the need to do it.  Than go for it!

Answer 12

Just my opinion, you shouldn't change her first name.  My daughter is almost three and is VERY familiar with her own name at this age.  She knows her name and I think it would be extremely confusing to expect her to answer to something new.  The changes the child is going to experience will be enough of an adjustment, let her hold onto something that she knows.

Answer 13

she already knows her name..why change it..just because you prefer something else..it's not fair

Answer 14

I think if that is what you want to do, go for it. She is young enough to relearn her name and probably wont remember the change. If anything she can always take on her middle name if she doesnt like the new one. Thats what my mom did, She took on her middle name, I didnt even know her first name till I was in kindergarten lol.

Answer 15

OMG - that would mean it's about you - and not about her.

Please do not change her name.

Sure - add another middle name - and she will have your last name - but please reconsider.

Her name is part of her.

Sorry - I can't believe that people think it's OK to do this.

Do you not even think about the child's rights here????

Astounded.

Sorry to come off cranky - but I'm really tired of the level of education (or lack thereof) on adoptee 'issues' sometimes.

Adoptees come already with life history behind them.

Please don't make it your mission to erase all of that.

Rejoice in it - embrace it - accept it - let your child be proud of it (if they wish to be).

Adoption is about the child - not about the adults involved.

Adoptees have two families - don't make the adoptee choose sides - they want to love and know all.

Answer 16

I think becuz she is three and has been going by that name for a while now giving her a first name you picked and keeping and calling her by her middle name would be best for her. as she get older and understands more she can choose what name she wants to go by. I think her having a name you loving picked out is beautiful. :)

Answer 17

I think it's GREAT that you have adopted a child, but I think with having been called "her name" for the 3 years of her life it would probably be confusing. maybe you should ask her most kids would LOVE changing their name. but if she isnt sure make the name you wanted to give her a middle name or like "Amber-Nicole" something like that! GOOD LUCK

Answer 18

unless its some really horrid name like Cleonabelle or Bertha, or some other traditionally unpopular name.. Id just leave it..

Answer 19

I'm assuming you are legally adopting your daughter because you love her as she is, so it would make sense to keep her name as it is. Being fostered/adopted is something that she may become very curious about as she gets older, throwing a name change into the mix may confuse her unnecessarily. Put her feelings first as she's not really old enough to have input into the decision. She may say whatever she thinks you want to hear for fear of not pleasing you if you include her in the decision. The fear of abandonment (having being placed in foster care in the first place this could be a genuine fear) will over ride her own desires anyway.

Answer 20

Well it is up to you no matter what but might I ask where the idea came for this. If you are wanting to call her a name you have always wanted to call a child of your own then might I suggest waiting to use that name on an infant of either your own or adopted as changing a child's name who already knows and learnt it would be a challenge. It is a nice idea but I think it should be just that as it might be a little traumatic and confusing to her. But what ever you decide will be just fine as it will be your decision that you have thought long and hard about. Good luck and god bless.   :)

Answer 21

No.  She already has a name and will remember it.

Answer 22

i think thats a wonderful idea.its really up to u but i think its good that you keepin her first name in her name

Answer 23

You should only change her middle name because she is probably already confused she doesn't need more confusion!

Answer 24

At 3 she knows her name & I think that is truly unfair  to change the name she has grown up with.

Answer 25

I guess that it is really a personal choice.  We adopted our foster daughter at age 4.  We have loved and parented her since she was 13 months old.  When she first came to us, I did not care for her name at all, but over the years, I have come to love it and would not change it for anything.  That is who she is and I want her to have that identity--it is hers, not mine to take away.  That is just my opinion.  I am sure whatever you do will be best for your child.  God bless!

Answer 26

Hi Mama,

My recomendation is to not change her name.  That is hers, and everything else she has ever had has been taken from her.  A name is part of a person's identity.

Although she is too young to understand now, almost every adult adoptee I know whose adoptive parents changed their name, would have preferred keeping their own name, particularly the ones who knew their name.  

You do bring up giving her some input.  If anyone, adopted or not, wants to change their name later, they have the option of doing so as an adult.  You should be clear with yourself if you really want to change her name for her, or if it might be something you are considering doing for your own reasons.  Only you can answer that.

Speaking as a former foster child, my thoughts now are I would have rather kept my own name.  Even if there had been a discussion about it then, (which there was not) I don't think I would have fully understood.

My vote is to not change her name.  Thank you for asking.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 27

we changed my sisters name when she was like 4, she ddnt really seem to care. she responded pretty well to the new name, and now probably doesnt even remember the old one.. i guess ur good.

Answer 28

Maybe you should change your first name instead?

(ETA: Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? So why is it any less ridiculous to change a child's name than it is to change your own...)

Answer 29

Our children were nearly 6 and 2 when the adoption petition was ready to sign.

I originally didn't care for either one of their names and wanted to change them--but, as time went on their names grew on me.

When it came time we Kept their First names and changed their middle names.

My daughter (oldest) had wanted to change her name but thought that meant she could call herself what she wanted including silly names... I told her the names I would Pick if I had a choice... during that conversation we agreed that her First name was one of the few things that her birth mother had given to and that one of the names I liked fit perfect as a middle name....

It has become an Important thing to her and now five years later I have heard her tell others, My birth mom gave me a special first name and my mom gave me a special name too.

My son on the other hand was only 2 when finalized and now at 6 years old is dealing with understanding adoption and learning about it. His reaction at 6 has been a little concerning as he has decided on his own to reject his first name and use his middle--we are not sure why but it could be too long or that too many people react with the Bull Frog song when they here Jeremiah?