Shouldn't children "know" their biological mother, and be able to genetically recongnise her?

Question

I posted my last question about my kids coming back from foster care. Everyone has always said that even babies know their mothers through their smell and touch. Why don't my kids know me?

Answer 1

I think your question is probably dependent on the age of the child when separated.  Throwing out the "adoption" part of this question, I'll explain through my own personal experience.

My paternal grandfather died when I was 5 years old.  I remember his face, but nothing else - I cannot remember his smell or his touch or even his voice.  I believe the only reason I remember his face is because of the photos that I've grown up seeing.  

My maternal grandfather died when I was much older.  I remember EVERYTHING about him.  If someone wearing his cologne passes me, I immediately think of my grandfather.  If I walk into a garage and smell grease & oil, I think of my grandfather because he owned an automobile garage where I spent many days watching him work on cars.  I remember his voice being loud and commanding - yet loving and gentle when I had him wrapped around my finger.  

I think the same is probably true about adoptees.  If a child loses touch with a bio parent early on, the "memories" have not formed yet and the child "learns" what he grows up with.  If a child loses touch with a bio parent at a later age, the memories are more secure and tend to be there to remember.  

My son does not recall anything about his bio parents (which in this case is good because of the situation he was removed from).  However, he does remember his bio-grandparents and knows that he lived with them prior to us.  This is because he sees them once a month and talks to them on the phone.  We have kept them active in his life and they are just as much a part of our family as my parents or my husband's parents.  

I hope that makes sense.

Answer 2

well thats tough because if u werent there (not being ur choice or not) but they grow up with out u and they get stuck to that routine... i dont see why they wouldnt want to bond with u just give them time and spend time with them and everything will get cleared up dont just show up in theier lifes out of the bloom and expect them to love u and call u mom u kinda have to give them and show them that u are mom

Answer 3

Kids know their mother when they come out of the womb but there memories are short once they were taken away they started to form bound with the other famly.  YOu are a stranger to them.  It will take time but they will learn who you are

Answer 4

A baby bonds with it`s mother,but has to have constant stimulation,positive nurturing for it to continue, If the baby`s basic needs are not meet, they will bond with whatever gives them comfort, even a blanket.By not giving a child this stimulation,they earn not to trust, become self-abusive, developmentally delayed.I have to wonder, if you, yourself was nurtured,by your past questions. Do you have the nurturing instinct to give to your children?You are going down a hard road You have eighter got to wake up & start the bonding process from scratch or give them back to the ones they are bonded too. Good Luck the reason I have given you this answer is not out of meaness, I am advicing you based on your own questions. They are asked out of concern for yourself-not your childern.

Answer 5

Babies know their mothers smell,only if that's the smell they are familiar with.But,since you were out of their lives for awhile,they see you as a stranger that took them away from Leslie,who loved & cared for them when you were unable to.You may have to seek professional counseling,because if you push the boys to accept you,too quickly,they'll resent you,& not be able to re-bond with you..Take it slow,no matter how upset & anxious you feel.They need time,& then you'll get your loving children back....BOL

Answer 6

young babies know their mothers by smell and before their eyesight is fully developed. i have never heard of a child knowing their mother by touch. once eyesight is developed, babies know people by sight and the sound of their voice. if your children have been in foster care and have been away from you for a long period, they might not know who you are. it happens. knowing who your biological parents are is not something that you are born with. it's not a sense or anything.

Answer 7

I don;t say this to be mean...but i have read your other questions and i find them kinda of disturbing. I think you need to talk to a counselor and get into some parenting classes. You just got your kids back, and i know you probably did everything that was asked of you to get them back. Taking care of a child filled with sacrifices,but it's also filled with many blessings. Please,please recognize this and try to do all that you can to keep your children.

Answer 8

Children know who they are familiar with and who has taken care of them. It is very difficult for them to be taken away from a place where they have grown comfortable. It isn't instinctual with human children... maybe right after birth, but once they have been away from their mother... it takes a little bit of time for them to see you that way again.

Answer 9

babies are born with the ability recognise their mother by smell.

they lose this ability as they get older,

Environmental factors play a big role on the mental development of kids, so its no wonder they don't know you.

as to your other question (see http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;... ), i would say you don't even deserve your kids back.

Answer 10

ok they have limited senses when they are born, as they grow they develop the other senses. you have been separated and they have lost that. if you were separated from a family member would you know them if they showed up?

give yourself and them some time. everything will fall into place. just take it day by day.

Answer 11

well ...i was adopted ...and i can tell you one thing ...as soon as i was born 40 years ago ...i was placed in a foster home ..2 months later i was adopted ....found my bio mom 17 years ago ...had met her 2 years before that ..we spoke and never new she was my bio mother ..only 2 years later after allot of luck did WE find each other ....and i also found my daughter 4 years ago ...shes 22 now ...yes we are both adopted ...funny ending but true ..so no ...i dont think its true ...the touch smell thing is not my truth

Answer 12

Because in order to be a mother, and have your young trust and love you, you need to be a mother and be there for them. Smell isn't want creates a trusting stable home where they feel safe. They aren't baby kittens sniffing for mothers milk, they are humans who are adjusting to lots of change, and pain of not having a normal life, so get off the smell boat, be a mother. What makes a true parent is one who is and has been there

Answer 13

no, i always thought that, but i am adopted and met my biological family, no way, no clue

Answer 14

Why should they?  You had them in foster care.  They are going to bond with who ever has been there and obviously that wasn't you.  It's very sad that you think they owe this to you.  That's how you sound.  They owe you nothing.  Stop having kids too btw.  I saw your question about kids crying.  You should have not gotten your kids back if you're telling any kind of truth.

Answer 15

kids learn to recognize who loves them and takes care of them its a safety issue knowing that whoever is in charge will make sure they are safe and their needs are met changes in their life is a upheaval of change things will get better time heals

Answer 16

Honey first of all ignore diceman, he seems to be an idiot and without any knowledge of you or what you went through has made a judgement based on well nothing!

As for kids knowing your smell, I have to agree with babies it is intstincual at birth. They grew in you and know your voice, the way you move, even your heartbeat, (that why a baby sleeps so well on a mommys breast they can hear your heartbeat and it calms them)

Depending on how long your children were in care it is just going to take time for them to be comfortable with you again. It is very hard on you I know, but remember they have been somewhere else and they are used to that environment and those people (foster parents) who cared for them when you were not able to. I don't know your situation or why your children were in care, but I do know that with time it will get better. I would suggest counseling, preferably with a therapist who is well versed in PTSD. Because what happened to all of you was a trauma and you will need help to learn to deal with it. If you are afraid to call your caseworker, there is likely a "Call for Help" sort of hot line where you are. Also you can call your local hospital and ask if they have a list of therapists or a behavioral health department that does referrals.

You can always visit Origins-USA as well. We are a group that advocates natural family preservation and we do have some listings for resources for mothers and their children.

You can e-mail me at [e-mail]

I hope this was at least a bit helpful to you. We also have other resources that you may find useful. Good luck to you and your children.

Seriously after reading your other questions you need to get into counseling, for your sake and your childrens sake.

Answer 17

First thing to do is breathe deeply.  Every time you feel a frustration coming on - sit down and breathe.  

Second thing to do is to work on forgiving yourself for whatever reason your children were placed in care.

Remember that your children belong with you unless your circumstances are so horrible that it isn't good for them or you to have them with you.

Now - sit down and breathe deep.  It will take time for your children to remember you.  They have been through some rough times - to be removed from their mom is not an easy thing to go through.  

Just as it's not easy for you to go through to have your children removed from you.  

It all takes time.  

Be gentle with your self and with your kids.  

Say only kind things to yourself when you connect with yourself on the inside.

Try and say only kind things to your children.

Establish a routine.  Get up earlier than you want to and go to bed earlier than you want to.  

Prepare 3 meals for the kids and have every body sit down at the table together.  Say a prayer to whoever your higher power is and say thank you for the meal that you are about to share.  

Shut the TV, radio and all games off during meal times.  No exceptions at this one.  

Talk to the kids at meal times.

Eat meals at the table and not in the living room.  Every one has to be sitting.  

Read the kids a story when everyone gets home from work and school.  If every one is home during the day - read at least two stories together.  

Talk to the kids about how much you missed them.  Tell them that you love them and be patient.

Hug each child at least 6 times each day - more if possible - each time you hug them tell them you love them.  

Put the children to bed before 8:00 pm every day.  Do it with hugs and stories.  

Do not hit them.  

Do not leave them alone.

Let them know that you will always be their mother and that you love them.  Mean it and be truthful with them.

Let them know that you won't leave them alone.  

Be patient with them and be patient with yourself.  

And perhaps most importantly - when you look in the mirror - tell yourself that you love yourself, unconditionally - now and forever.  

Pray - even if it is to a God that you don't believe in.  Ask for guidance - it will come to you.  

God doesn't make junk and look - here you are with your kids back in your life.  That must have been a big step along a very diffucult road - to get them back.  

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  You can do this.  

Prayer and patience are the key.

Answer 18

I don't know about that, but the first time I talked to my birth daughter on the phone, I said you have my voice. She really doesn't look a bit like me, but looks like her birth fathers side of the family. Give your kids some time. They will warm up to you. Smile a lot and give lots of love. They have been through a lot with you and foster care.