Shouldn't he not be scared of commitment after 3 years?

Question

The man proposed and took it back a year after we started going out. It cut me deep, but at least i could understand that he wanted to see what it would be like after we lived together before making that commitment.

We've been living together now for two years and all that time he's been like, ooo one day i'm going to marry you, let's have a baby (i have implanon and having a child has to be planned so i can get it out), let's buy a house together.

But anytime I've said yes, I want to take this to the next level, i truly love you he finds some excuse to not go through with it, generally blaming it on me, "i'm not sure your ready", "i don't think that you'd cope", "you need to start apologizing when you do something wrong" (i always apologize, even when i know its not my fault.

Last night he said he wants to get married in two years time, so i said fine, promise me. and he was like "i promise" and i said, "no, promise so that my family and friends know that you're committed to me" and then he was like, "i have to think about it" and then this afternoon after work when i said, "did you think about it" he said "yes, but i'm really not ready yet." so i said, very nicely, though i was trying not to explode, "what will make you ready" and he said "money and security".

we have money and security by the way. we even have a 20 year life plan thanks to him, because he said that that was our issue so we sat down and worked it out.

now he's f*cked off to the pub and i have no friends to talk to coz i moved to this sh*th*le of a town to be with him and i'm so very tempted to make an ultimatum... surely after 3 years together he should know if he wants a future with me and be able to make a commitment to me. and i'm afraid that if i hang around waiting for another two years than he still won't be ready and i'll have wasted the prime of my life.

Answer 1

Wasn't wasted time if you learned anything or had fun in the last 3 years. Ultimatums suck.  You'll lose and you won't like it.

Answer 2

His words are cheap. Let him know that in order for you to trust what he says, his actions must align with his words. That's how trust works, words and then actions.  

Answer 3

It always cracks me up when this situation happens and than the response is don't give an ultimatum, move out (separate) and force him to making the decision.  It isn't wrong advise but it just strikes me funny as h**l.  

Why do you ask?  Primarily because if you didn't put out, didn't shack up you would have had your answer 2+ years ago (ie, if he really loved you, wanted you, and valued marriage he would have followed you to the ends of the earth to make it happen).  Guys aren't scared of committment, that is a B.S. excuse we have been shoveling women for years (and you let us get away with it).  It is simply that why do we honestly NEED to do with it when we have all the benefits of marriages with none of the real negatives (and a guilt free method to leave the relationship..oh we were never married, I promised you nothing).

Answer 4

ultimatum is a very dumb thing to do in this situation. i mean how will that make u feel if even if u marry him u always know he married u at a gun point? u re a woman. be smarter. for me i either has to be in total control over situation or i just retrieve. so if i were u i would pack my bags and leave. and destroy his 20 years plan by the way. and when he comes back begging u to return(if he comes back) u make him crawl like a bird on his belly. cos if he crawls u win and u will be in control over him forever. but now he is in a total control of u. if u give him an ultimatum he will tell u s***w u and u will have to live with that, cos he knows u won't leave anyway. and by the way if he never comes crawling begging u to return - he wasn't your man on the first place and it would mean he wouldn't marry u anyway

Answer 5

He needs to know what life would be like without you in it. I would move out or have him move out and do a trial separation. Ultimatums rarely work with men-(marry me or else I will leave). It simply won't work. The best way to get him to think about really committing to you is to put some space between the both of you right now. It will give him perspective on what he really wants. Three years is long enough for anyone to decide whether or not they want to take the relationship to another level.By the way, do NOT make yourself readily available. Don't be rude but don't make things easy for him either. Let him know that you need to decide as to whether or not you can continue on like this.This will shake him up a bit and really make him think. As long as you stay and allow him to be indecisive, he has no reason to make a committment.

Answer 6

after 3 years, he should know.  if he doesn't want to get married, don't give him an ultimatum.  he knows you want to marry him and he still isn't ready to go through with it and he keeps making excuses.

i know too many women who are living with men that can't commit.  12 years later, my very best friend is still living with the same man, now 45 years old without children.   she thinks she is stuck because she has nothing. she lives in his house, believe it or not pays him rent, and has nothing.  

i told her the same thing I am telling you.  if they don't want to commit, leave. you can't force something as sacred as marriage on someone.

Answer 7

Hon...there is no way to make him "ready"  Either he is or he isn't.  Alot of the issues that he is worried about are a natural part of being a couple...good grief the two of you are practically married without the paper...what else does he want.  You have been there through thick and thin and have not left.  You can both get married and still have the 20 year plan.  Being married doesn't change goals if you are on the same page as far as goals...the goals are just accomplished together.  I personally moved in with a guy and waited 10 years...honey...please don't do what I did.  He had every excuse to put me off too and it is not a life.  There is not a real future in "living together"  He gets all the benefits and what's in this for you?   Be true to yourself.  

Sit down and talk with him.  I would say: You are a wonderful man whom I love, admire and respect.  I love you and I want to be with you as your wife...I deserve that kind of respect.  I don't want to be anyone's shack up any longer because this is not who I am.  I realized that I have compromised myself in the hopes of a future together but this arrangement no longer works for me.   I want to be married to you and part of being married brings money and security.  We would be working as a team instead of as individuals which makes life much easier.   We have proven by being together this long that we are compatible and we can solve conflicts together so therefore I don't understand what more there is?  I want to be with someone who wants and desires the same things that I do and that involves marriage with a ring and a date set.  Someone who desires to set goals together and works toward those things as a couple not as two single individuals with their own agenda and one foot out the door when things don't go as expected.  Marriage means sticking it out...in the good and the bad.  Not living life with one foot in a relationship and one foot out the door.  I cannot continue a relationship that way.  It is too wishy-washy, unstable, and insecure.  What is unstable is bound to fall unless the two work toward creating a stable structure to build upon.   I want to build my life with you but I need you to want the same thing.  Then see what he says...listen to him but don't accept any more excuses.  If he continues with excuses then I would suggest saying to him that he has 30 days to make up his mind and that is final.  We cannot drag this into oblivion.  If it comes to the 30 days thing - you must be willing to walk away no matter how hard it will be.  3 years is too long to wait honey and if he doesn't know by now - when will he?  You will need to start looking for another place to live no matter what.  Stick to your guns.  He hasn't had a need to take you seriously unless and until you give him a reason to be serious.  If he gives excuses after the 30 days then you have done absolutely all that you can do and it isn't your issue it is his.  Move out and get on with your life if he cannot commit to you.  Life is too short to put your dreams on hold.  I did and I regret it.  I am in my 30's now and not sure if I will be able to have children.  Don't wait on any man...if he cannot give you what you need then move on and find someone who is willing to commit to you.  I hope this guy will see the value in you and step up and be a man but if he doesn't I hope that you find love no matter where the road may take you.

Best of Luck

Answer 8

He knows you will wait. He know's you won't go anywhere. He know's he is in controll. He either loves you and wants to get married or doesnt.... 1 or the other... Think about your future, think about what you have acomplished together in the past.... it is worth it....

Answer 9

you are wasting your time and u know it