Shouldn't the groom's family be invited to the Bridal Shower?

Question

My daughter (groom's cousin), my niece (groom's sister) and I are hosting a Bridal Shower for my nephew's fiancee next month. The invitations are prepared and ready to be mailed and the Bride to Be finally submitted her guest list. The list has 50 names of individuals and their families along with addresses. All the names are for the Bride to Be's family and friends. The only relatives for the groom on the list are his mother and grandmother. The Bride to Be apologized for the long list explaining that her mother kept adding names afraid someone would be upset if not invited.

Upon review of the list, I realized that many of the groom's family would also have hurt feelings if they aren't included. After talking with my mother in law, the groom's grandmother, she agreed and ticked off about 20 aunts, cousins and close friends of the family who would be upset if not invited.

Although there are 50 families listed on the Bridal Shower guest list, and 20 more I would like to include, I need to find out if all of these people are also invited to the wedding -- which I am trying to find out from the Bride to Be, but she is now dodging my calls and emails.

This simple shower is turning into a major event. Has anyone else encountered this type of problem? When I offered to host the shower, I figured most of the guests would be from the groom's family -- I am his aunt -- along with her mother, grandmother and bridal party. Usually, the Bridal Party hosts a shower with the majority of the guests being from the Bride's family. Am I right?

My mother in law and I are now concerned that no one from the groom's family is invited to the wedding. Neither she, my sister in law or I were consulted about names and addresses of the groom's aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. I think it was genuinely overlooked by the Bride and her family. Perhaps a reason why my questions are being ignored and/or avoided.

Is this common? Any suggestions? Help!

Answer 1

Well, I only invited close relatives/friends to the bridal shower....whoever you invite to the bridal shower you MUST invite to the wedding. Because that would be rude not to invite them after they give a gift! I think you should narrow it down to 20 from his and 20 from her side. If she doesnt want to do it that way, then maybe she should have two showers? one for her side and one for his?  

Answer 2

Hey there... well wedding etiquette is always tough. Being engaged myself at this time, and dealing with the pressures and demands of everyone involved (or trying to become involved) and be quite frustrating. Though I have not yet planned the guest list for my own bridal shower, I have been too many myself and the normal trend is that the bride usually invites mostly women from her side unless she is on good and friendly terms of women from the groom’s side. It is entirely her choice; after all, it IS all about her on that day – not the groom or his family. It is polite to invite, of course, but the bride has to be comfortable and happy at the end of the day – not anyone else.  I have experienced this “adding of names to the list” and I can tell you that it drives me insane! Everyone just needs to remember who is getting married. I cannot say why the bride is not responding to your attempts to contact her but the safest thing to do is respect her wishes with the invitation list. Good luck!

Answer 3

they should be invited  its not fair to only include the brides side only  i think you need to talk to the bride and get down to the bottom of it

Answer 4

Of course the groom's family attends maybe they think you have the list from the grooms side from the groom(that's a hint). I agree with another answer, after the 2 moms and grandmothers come the aunts from both sides, then maybe close cousins. The bride can have some friends but the ones she would have had as bridesmaids is she could have had that many. If it is 10 or so the they can have their own party.

Mother of the bride, Mother of the groom and bride don't get to invite their friends before aunts on either side. It's about respecting both sides. Mother of the bride or groom can hold a brunch for her friends. Sounds like they are inviting everyone from the wedding on the brides side.

The groom has to get involved, I'm sure she answers his calls and she's getting upset because brides don't usually have to worry about her own shower.

Since you are hosting this shower you get to say how many people are in your budget or fit in your space.  You can suggest that if they can't cut back that they start arranging separate showers, quickly.

The groom would know who is invited to the wedding.

I had 200 people at my wedding. For my shower, there were aunts, cousins from both sides and bride and groom friends, no mom friends.(I think, the day goes by and the bride will forget who was there)

Answer 5

I had never heard of just the brides side going to the bridal shower.Thats extremely wrong.Definitely invite from his side too.

Answer 6

well definitly the grooms fam should be invited especially if its his side of the fam that is hosting it. I would call the groom and ask him who is and is not invited to the wedding since the bride isn't getting back to you.

Answer 7

I agree with some of the other posters who said showers should be more intimate gatherings.  Not every female who is invited to the wedding needs to come to the shower.  I would think it'd be appropriate for her to invite her close friends and family (mother, grandmothers, close aunts, and cousins) and then anyone from the groom's side that the bride is close with (mother-in-law, any of the groom's sisters, aunts that the bride knows, etc.).  I agree that the bride's list is quite long, but she is not required to have to invite every female relative of the groom to her shower.

If I were you, I would ask that she trim her list down a bit.  Say that you weren't expecting to host that many people.  Sounds like the bride either can't say no to her mom or she just wants tons of gifts.  But you need to understand that it's her shower and if she does not want to include many from the groom's side, that's acceptable

Answer 8

well common it would be mostly your family an like 10 people from hers due to someone from her work or her moh would be thorowing a bridal party also to really tick her off due to she is acting this way i would do a small party at the house on paper plates an just tell her u wanted to get with her an had tons of emails an calls that she never attended to about what she wanted as a meal or what not.

Answer 9

due if there part of the family to be of course you should invite them doesn't matter what they do or what happens

Answer 10

Showers are small.  70 people- no.  And you don't throw a shower for a relative.  That's considered very tacky.  When invited to a shower, the point of which is to shower the bride with gifts, the invitee should send a gift whether or not she attends.  That's why it's unfair to invite so many people who barely know the bride and who are merely invited to the wedding.  There is no need to make the wedding invite list be identical to the shower invite list.  You invite someone to a shower because she is very close to the bride, either by blood or by friendship, and would want to bestow a gift upon her.  Out-of-state would-be relatives who have never even met the bride are thereby inappropriate guests at such an event.

Answer 11

Well, the way my family has done things is that the bride's side hosts a shower for her side of the family/friends, and the groom's side hosts a shower for his side of the family/friends.  The only guests that would be invited to both would be the mother's and female siblings.  So, in your case, I would think that this shower would include mostly the groom's relatives.  But, if this is the only shower being given, obviously you would have to include both sides.  Could it be that the bride thought YOU would add the groom's family and friends to the guest list for her?  She probably doesn't know a lot of them or have their addresses, so how would she know who to include?  Just a thought.  

Answer 12

Different cultures have different opinions on this.

Some places have each side of the family throwing the family shower. Immediate family is invited to both showers, and all relatives on that side (bride or groom) of the family. Then there will be a hen shower thrown by the bride's friends, female members of immediate family (both sides again) may or may not be invited to these.

Some cultures, however, have one family shower, and both sides attend. Personally, I like this because it means the bride has to attend fewer showers. If her side of the family is not throwing a shower then you will either need to decide to let her know that you're throwing a shower for just your side of the family (given that you asked her for a guest list you're going to have a hard time pulling this off) or else just throwing the combined shower (at which point there should have been an aunt from the other side helping you). Ask your nephew about his fiancee's family and what the cultural expectations are.

You are not responsible for throwing the shower for her side of the family, and she will know this. It's not as if her guest list was intended to be the only people invited, you are still the hostess.

Answer 13

It may be that she just expected you to invited the groom's side of the family, since you know them better and would know who would want to come. My Husband's Aunt through a shower for the women on both sides of the family, but I have heard of having two showers, one for the brides family and one for the grooms family. It would be outrageous for the bride to think that a member of the groom's family would plan a shower for her family. Try to get a hold of her and straighten things out. I am sure it's just a misunderstanding. Good luck!

Answer 14

Both the groom and bride's family and close friends should be invited to the Bridal Party.  They may use the excuse that the bride doesn't know the groom's family all that well, but it's time they get to know each other and the other side of the family.  They will be going to their wedding, so they should be included in this.  My sister invited mostly my side to her wedding shower, and my cousin had 2 separate showers for each side of the family.  That can get expensive and for my Bridal Shower, I would want both of the families together.  If my fiance had a party, I'd want him to invite my side of the family...not just his.  The Bride to be shouldnt have a problem inviting the groom's side...atleast she might get some presents.  She is probably ignoring you so she doesn't have to invite the groom's side of the family.  I have no idea why she is avoiding it, I'd INSIST that they come.  

Answer 15

Woah... thats a lot of people. I always thought the best showers were small, intimate events. Where you dont have to strain your neck to see the bride open the gifts. There were 10 or 12 people at my shower.

But Ive been to plenty of showers like what you are describing, with 50 or more people. So I dont think its uncommon. Kind of insane if you ask me, and also they are more boring in my  opinion.

If this is not what you had in mind, its not too late to contact the bride and tell her you were thinking something smaller (give her a number).

As for should the grooms family be invited to the shower... like I said, I think only really close friends and family should be invited. So if she barely knows the rest of the grooms family, I would not invite them.  

Answer 16

Where is the groom in all of this? Why not contact him to find out who from his family has been invited. I agree that a bridal shower with a 70 person guest list seems to be getting a little out of hand.

I don't see why you though that most attendees of the bridal shower would be from the groom's side of the family though. It seems quite natural to me given that it is a bridal shower and not a groomal shower that it would be predominantly friends and family of the bride. As others have mentioned, she also may have assumed that you or the groom would develop the list of invitees from his side.

Answer 17

She probably just assumed that since you're throwing the shower you already included the groom's side of the family.  I mean, honestly, if you are a part of the groom's side of the family, why then wouldn't you include them yourself?  Frankly, if my future aunt-in-law was throwing me a shower and asked me for a guest list, I would just assume they meant a guest list for my side of the family and my friends, since they presumably already have their family members' contact info.  I don't think she meant to be rude or anything- give her the benefit of the doubt and try to remember how overwhelming it is to be a young woman and a bride-to-be, and suddenly being bombarded with all these rules of etiquette that aren't usually covered in a young lady's education these days.  

If you wanted a small, simple shower, you should have given her a maximum number of guests to invite, but it sounds like you just asked for "a list"- well, she went and put lots of people on her list and now it's sort of too late to cut them from it, so I guess you're stuck with a huge shower.  Sorry!

Answer 18

Talk to the groom if you are concerned about who is invited.   I've never really been to that big a shower before.  When I got married, my in laws had a shower for their family and friends.  And then, my maid of honor had a smaller one with our friends and my mom and mil.  I guess it sounds like she assumed you were having it for her side as well.  I guess that should have been made clear from the start.  Tell your nephew your concerns and hopefully he will be able to get thru to her.  People that go to the shower should be invited to the wedding for sure.    

Answer 19

It should have the closest relatives from each side - the moms, grandmothers, sisters, aunties, godmothers if applicable - then moving on to cousins if they are close, and any bridesmaids in the area. Usually this is around 25 to 30  people.

Answer 20

Not inviting the Groom's side? That's horribly rude and inconsiderate! I know that the etiquette is always a little different depending on where you're from. I'm originally from town about 20 mins north of Milwaukee WI. And there it's customary to invite close friends of the bride, close family of the bride, close family of the groom and Godparents. When I had my shower last year, it was a great opportunity for respective sides of the family to meet. Then when the wedding came I didn't have to make a million introductions because most of our family had already met.

I also think it's quite strange how his side of the family is "good enough" to throw the shower, but not worthy of an invite? Honestly, I would have a little chat with your nephew, (you're going to have to bypass the bride on this one as she's being uncooperative) and ask what's going on. If his side isn't invited to the wedding it's better to find out now anyway so you may be able to run some interference and either get them invited, or find a away to ease the blow when they find out they aren't.

It's such a shame though, weddings are supposed to bring two families together, and it's sad that she's excluding his side.