Sibling Relationship?

Question

This question is really for those who have been adopted and who have always known they were adopted since the beginning. What is your relationship like now with your siblings (non biological)? Are you close? How did you get along growing up? Was it hard for you when a new child was introduced?

I'm curious because I have 2 kids (adopted) who I hope will maintain a close relationship when they are adults because I would like them to be there for each other at least. I know biological siblings can just as easily drift apart but I am interested in the dynamics of two people who know that they have different DNA but grew up together as siblings.

Your experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Answer 1

I had no preparation for when my younger sister was adopted. She was a throw-back by her first adoptive parents who really wanted a boy and didn't want to pay her medical expenses, so the county was making calls to the PAPs on their list to see who would take a baby with a hospital bill attached. As my adoptive mother was the first one to say 'Yes', our family got her 24 hours later - on Christmas Eve. It was incredibly confusing and upsetting.

We did not get along growing up. She was considered defiant, which meant not compliant like I was.

We rarely speak.

Answer 2

I haven't spoken with my adopted brother in over a year and a half. I speak with my bio sister almost daily. I message one bio brother online every few weeks and I see my two younger sisters (adads bio kids) once a month or so. I talk to my adads ndaughter (relinquished at birth) about twice a year and the other 7 brothers (ndad's other kids) I don't have any contact with.

My abrother and I were very close growing up but it was more out of necessity than anything else. My amom was in hospital for 5 years before she died and I became the woman of the house. My relationship with my brother was more of a parent/child one than a sibling one. We have lived together on and off as adults, helping each other through difficult times. More often than not one of us is playing a parental role to the other. Had my amom not passed away who knows what our relationship would be like.

Answer 3

I'm quite close to my adoptive parents' natural boys.  We are very different people in so many ways (obviously - because I'm not biologically related to them) but we are very much brothers and sister.

We  have widely different interests but a few things in common and mostly we get together so our kids can grow up together.

Answer 4

I am the youngest of three adopted children...no common genes among us.  Each of us was adopted as infants.  I am the youngest, so I don't know about what it feels like for a new baby to arrive.  My oldest sibling says that when I arrived, the realization that a shared bedroom was the future settled in.  My parents bought a bigger house eventually, so each of us eventually did get our own bedroom.  

My siblings and I did many things together.  We actually got  along surprisingly well.  No fights, occasional arguments...pretty normal stuff if you ask me.  But I would not describe us as close.  When my dad died, our family began to drift apart.  That was partly because we were all adults by then, but also I think because he was such a "force" of love and unity in our family.  We ALL miss him terribly.  I moved very far away and that made frequent contact either expensive or difficult.  It took many years, but I now have no contact with one sibling and the other I have some phone calls, cards on holiday/birthdays, and a visit every couple of years.  I think if our dad was still alive he would encourage us to work at a more united family dynamic.

I don't know if you want to know this, but I'll mention it.  When I was in high school and college, several of my friends (both male and female) pointedly asked me if I would ever have s*x with my siblings since we were not genetically related and...frankly...really available to each other.  Even the thought of that totally grosses me out!  So, no we never did have s*x.  Because we could discuss adoption fairly openly and theoretically amongst ourselves (out of our parents' hearing) we did discuss topics that might not be part of biological siblings' discussions.  I think this is a good example of how misunderstood the adoption experience is and how that misunderstanding can translate into incredibly offensive behavior.  Would you ever ask biological siblings if they have s*x?  

I have two children (my own).  They're two years apart in age.  They act like a little old married couple....can't live with or without each other.  They have always been very close, always choosing to be together.  They could play in different rooms, but they simply choose to be together.  Actually I like it this way.  When they do engage in childish arguments, I always tell them that they have to figure out a solution for themselves because they are going to be siblings forever, that they will still be siblings when I am gone...  I hope they stay close.  Actually seeing them now, I can't imagine how they could drift apart...but the world is round so you can't see too far down the road, eh?  Although they are still young enough that I can impose my parental authority, I figure that once they are grown, they have a right to choose to stay close/in contact or not.

Answer 5

Same as they are with birth-siblings. You grow up together, laugh and cry together, fool your parents and stick up for each other at school; it makes you siblings regardless of who birthed you.

Answer 6

I am not adopted, but my mum is and so is the father of my children. my mum was adopted into a family when she was only two weeks old, and they already had two twin boys that they had also adopted. My mum and her brothers are in their 40s now but no longer speak, but this is because my uncles are both alcoholics and have been for a very long time. my kids dad was raised in an orphanage in thailand til he was 8 years old. he then got adopted into a family in australia who already had 4 other adopted children. now they are all grown up and he only speaks to one of them but they are very close and are just like blood related brothers. i dont think that being biological or not makes any difference, its their upbringing that matters. i do everything i can to encourage a close relationship in my kids, and i think thats what counts in the end. good luck, adopting is a wonderful thing to do for a child, who otherwise might not have had a good future ahead of them.

Answer 7

I have three siblings in my adoptive family.  I only talk to them when I visit my family (usually twice a year).  My sister and I have talked a few times outside of those visits.  I love them all.  But we are not close.  (And, to be sure, as you acknowledge...  My wife has basically the same relationship to her brother, to whom she is biologically related.)

Growing up, I was the one put in charge.  I was the oldest, after all.  They really didn't like that.  (I heard, more than once, "I wish you'd never been adopted.")  But outside of that, my sister and I were kind of close.  We never really hung out together, but she did look to me for support and help.  Our brothers were younger and tended to hang out together.

I don't remember it being hard for me.  I was (and am) pretty self-sufficient.  Our mom talks as though I didn't need much parenting.  I was usually content to sit and play by myself.  So when my sister came along, and took up a lot of our mom's energy, I don't think it disturbed my world much.  (I did give her some nice haircuts, though.)

I don't know if that helps.  But that's my experience.  No strong emotional ties for me.  I still worry about them all, but I don't interact with them on a regular basis.