Sibling of a child placed for adoption?

Question

I don't see much about the siblings that were parented were there's a sibling placed for adoption.

I have a younger sister that was adopted (when she was 2 and I was 7) and I look for her for years. When she was 21 I found and met with her. She has since wrote me off because her mom got nutty on her when she found out.

It seems like that feelings of the left behind children aren't important. We both had a loss, just she got new good parents and I got old neglectful, careless ones. When we met I was at her mercy to share info, but then she was done. I guess i was disappointed.

What do you think about the siblings left with the bio parents and how they fit in to everything. Is it wierd that I feel such a loss and a little pissed that she won't even text me now?

Answer 1

Wow. I am sorry to hear that.  She is caught between you and her adoptive mother.  You are an adoptive parent so I guess you understand her point of view.  I know that stinks too.  Adoptees often get caught between the natural family and the adoptive family.

If you have an address, keep writing her letters and send her cards.  Its hard but give her space.  She will figure it out.  I hope she doesn't get too angry or hurt.  Be patient.  She will come to you.  Siblings always work things out.  Many hugs to you

Answer 2

this is actually normal. give her time. don't come across needy.

go on with your life and drop her a card once a month at the most right now. treat her like you would anyone you've just met. don't come on too strong. go slow. not saying that you did, just letting you know that's one of the issues i've heard about the most.

best wishes.

Answer 3

I think the judge guy above me did not bother to read the entire Q.  Clearly you were not in foster care and your mother CHOSE to place your younger sister for adoption and continued to parent you.  I am sorry to hear that your parents were neglectful.  

I sort of understand your situation.  I have a four year old daughter and just six months ago, I placed her baby sister for adoption at birth(ex husband is father of both).  And I have encounted downright animosity from people who find out about the younger child.  I had to leave a job because of the way people treated me ("If you couldn't handle one, why don't you just get rid of your other one?").  While my daughter is too young to understand why I felt I had to do what I did, I do plan to explain as best I can when she is old enough to understand.  And I am prepared for her anger if it comes to that.  About all I can suggest is drop the occasional "Hi" so she knows you care.  Her a-mom has no right giving her grief for contacting her blood family.  

And yes, the children left behind often suffer more than the natural parents.  They have no understanding of what is going on and if they are old enough to sort of understand, it is still heart wrenching for them.  My daughter sees an emotional health specialist that helps her understand that her sissy lives with another mommy and daddy.  The therapy seems to work for her.  She now proudly tells people "My sissy got great 'dopted parents that I helped pick!" (yes, I did include her with picking the new parents and meetings with them).

Answer 4

It's not weird at all.  Of course you felt a loss, you did lose out on knowing and growing up with your sister.  

It sounds like she is experiencing a lot of issues with divided loyalties and has currently resolved those in favor of her adoptive family.  That might not last.  She might decide to start up with you again.  But she might not, and that is too bad.

It's tough when one side of the reunion wants a relationship and the other side doesn't.  You can't force it, of course, but that doesn't make you feel better.

I hope she comes around at some point.  I understand her conflict (if it is the loyalty thing), but I also feel for you and your desire to have a relationship with your sister.

Good luck.

Answer 5

I'm sorry that she's treating you this way.

For me - I'd love to have any type of contact/relationship with my bio sibs (there are 3 full bio's - as my parents were married soon after my birth and adoption).

They now know about me - but my mother is not allowing them to have contact with me.

(they are all in their 30's)

My opinion - adoption screws up family dynamics.

Nothing is 'normal' - everything is somehow very mixed up.

She can't relate to you and your situation now - perhaps she even feels cranky that you were kept.

To you - maybe you're seeing that you were worse off - but she's seeing things a totally different way.

I haven't had the chance to talk to my sibs - but I've been finding out that my first mother is a real mess - extremely controlling and often over-the top. Losing two children to adoption - and not being able to grieve or even talk about the events has had a HUGE effect on her over the years. My younger sibs had a damaged mother from the effects.

(sure she could have been quite unstable to start with - but you can not tell me that losing two children like that would not have some detrimental effect on your mental health!)

Me - the adoptee - as I don't actually 'know' her personally - and didn't have to live with her - wishes deep down that I did get to live with the rest of my family - to have had the chance to have 'normal' sibling relationships. Instead - I feel like such an outsider.

Perhaps my sibs might feel the same way you do - that maybe they think I was better off being out of the family.

(do you get what I mean???)

I thank you for the question.

It's allowed me to think about things from their veiw point.

In the meantime - my advice - just keep messaging her every now and then. Knowing that you're not going to run away can really help an adoptee.

I know for me - I feel like I push and pull at all relationships. I'm so very scared I'll be rejected - but sometimes I try to push them away - so that I'll do the rejecting first. (twisted I know - but that's what being separated from my family has done to me.)

I hope things get better.

Edit - just wanted to add - that I think that because I wasn't allowed to know or even talk about my family of origin growing up - and they weren't told about me or our sister (also adopted)  - that it's screwed things up even more in our family - as it was always seen as a secret - and therefore made to feel even more abnormal compared to a family separation that is talked openly about.

Answer 6

I don't really get what you are asking for basically.

Answer 7

I can understand your feelings on this.  That being said, questions like this bother me a bit.  My firstborn was placed for adoption, and since then I am parenting two daughters with another on the way.  This question seems phrased as if those who place any of their children for adoption should never have the opportunity to parent any children again.  That bothers me.

I'm a rather good parent I think.  But I can tell you this about my oldest daughter.  She does miss her older brother she has never met.  She would love nothing more to meet him and play "go fish" with him.  It's just not in the cards right now.  So I comfort that hurt and don't dismiss it.

Anyway, you have my thoughts with you.  Adoption loss isn't easy for anyone.  (((hugs)))

Answer 8

The concerned volunteers and staff handling the often difficult task of adoptions always try to keep siblings together. Unfortunately, this is not always possible or practical.

The important thing to remember is that those children who are fortunate enough to be adopted are most often a lot better off than those that remain in foster care or group homes during their entire childhood!

Your Bio sister has made a life completely apart from yours. You did your best to attempt a reconciliation after almost 1/4 of a century. It is her decison as to whether or not to allow you to be a part of it.

What I would suggest is that you just "get over it".