19 sucks. It's a year of your life that you will inevitably p**s away. So here’s a weekly planner for how to successfully do just that.
Week 1. Resist using water until someone of the opposite s*x mentions it
Week 2. Teach a toddler a swear word
Week 3. Make a sandcastle in the backseat of your dads car
Week 4. See how long you can talk without coming to the end of a sentence
Week 5. Bring back peace frog t-shirts
Week 6. Hang up on every call while the other person is mid sentence and blame it on a bad connection
Week 7. Go to as many TGI Fridays as you can and tell each of them that it’s your birthday
Week 8. Dress up nice and pretend like you’re interested in buying a BMW
Week 9. See how long you can go without using the words “other†“really†and “thenâ€Â.
Week 10. Play xbox for as long as you can without bathroom breaks
Week 11. Ask a girl if she think she’s pretty and no matter what her response is say “Interesting. I’m going to blog about that.â€Â
Week 12. Vomit on a salad bar
Week 13. Bring a My Buddy doll with you wherever you go
Week 14. Pretend to be from England when you talk to yourself
Week 15. Convince as many people as you can that you were adopted.
Week 16. Speak in third person
Week 17. Try to use the word “cyclical†in every conversation
Week 18. Write a play using your friends as characters and have them all die tragically
Week 19. Grow a mustache
Week 20. When you discover that you can’t grow a mustache, buy a fake one and wear it with pride
Week 21. Go on a diet of Arizona iced tea and Cadberry Crème Eggs
Week 22. Adopt a goldfish
Week 23. Place take out orders and never pick them up
Week 24. Wear an eye patch and when people ask, say you don’t want to talk about it.
Week 25. Watch a Tom Arnold marathon
Week 26. Try to make beer in your bathtub
Week 27. Wear a kilt
Week 28. Wear a turban
Week 29. Wear that same eye patch again, but this time if people ask, pretend to cry
Week 30. Fall down in public as often as possible.
Week 31. Tell off your grandma
Week 32. Tell your parents you want a divorce from them
Week 33. Spend the whole week watching QVC
Week 34. Tickle a fat girl
Week 35. Go commando
Week 36. Steal laundry from the laundry room
Week 37. Try out for a sports team with a monologue
Week 38. Wear a sombrero
Week 39. Chew the same piece of gum for a week
Week 40. Go for as long as you can without sleeping
Week 41. Deliberately s***w up your class registration for next semester
Week 42. Convince the school nurse you have chicken pox
Week 43. Wet the bed
Week 44. Part your hair in the middle
Week 45. End all text messages and emails with xoxo
Week 46. Draw glasses on your face.
Week 47. Wear roller skates and resist taking them off.
Week 48. Spend a week eating only what you steal from vending machines.
Week 49. Don’t use deodorant or toothpaste
Week 50. Wear a wig
Week 51. See how long you can linger in an ATM vestibule before someone asks you to leave.
Week 52. Convince your friends you’re turning 19 again.
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