Since adoptive kids look at their AP differently, should i adjust my will?

Question

I was going to split everything up 50 50 but after reading some of you guys post i'm thinking why should i split everything up and take half away from my biological kid when adoptive children dont even look at APs as their parents....

If i dont make a Will, my adoptive child will get half of my belongings?

Answer 1

EXCUSE me, not all adoptive children feel that way about their parents. I don't, and I don't believe my adopted children do either. Even though your adopted child may not look at you as "their parents" you are their parents, and you don't have to resort to taking them out of your will. THEY ARE YOUR CHILDREN.

Answer 2

Yes, Mommie Dearest, cut out the adoptee! Ungrateful little brat shouldn't get a THING. After all, you didn't give birth to him/her, right? S/he's not *really* a member of the family because s/he doesn't share your blood. The simple fact that you adopted him/her should be enough to last forever. You fed, clothed, and housed him/her until s/he was 18...what more could anyone possibly want?

Answer 3

Not all adoptive children feel that way!

It depends on your relationship and how your adoptive child feels, I would talk to them before changing your will.

They might be offended if they find that you left them out!

Answer 4

Children are children.  Adults are adults.  YOU are the parent here, not the child, right?  Why did you adopt at all, if you are not 100%, fully committed to BE a parent to ALL your children?  This sort of partiality, is exactly WHY adopted children often feel like the second sister.

It is absolutely imparitive, particularly if you adopted the child at a young age?  that they do not have 2nd class status.

If you should leave the world when the children are still minors, which hopefully won't happen,  most jurisdictions will treat your  adopted child equally, no matter what is written in your will, regarding that.  The child who is adopted, has legal rights to inherit equally with a biological child.

Answer 5

After reading the links Phil posted, I too question that you are for real. But I'll answer anyway.My mom and dad were my mom and dad and I couldn't have loved them more. When my dad passed he didn't have a will. My brother and I signed over our rights and gave everything to my mom, as she still had to continue living. When mom passed her will said everything to be split, share and share alike (her exact words).  Him and I went through her things and we never argued over who took what. Oh and by the way my brother is her bio son, I was adopted.

Answer 6

Would you leave out your biological child if s/he "hated" you?  Or didn't think of you as his/her "parent"?  Some kids (of all/every/any origin) hate their parents.  In a lot of cases it has NOTHING to do with how they came into the family.  Yes...if you don't make a will, an adopted child would get half (or whatever percentage) of your belongings.

There is no way I could know this for sure...but I suspect that you are not actually an adoptive parent or you would not have asked that last question.  You would already know (due to extensive -- and expensive -- preparation) that a finalized adoption means that the adopted person is viewed exactly the same as a biological child under the law -- with respect to inheritance rights, at least.

Answer 7

Uhm, I agree.  Not all adopted children feel that way.  I'm adopted and have always felt like my ap's were my parents.  Even after finding my birthmother when I was 30, I still felt like they were my parents.  You legally are the parent of the child.  So, the child would be entitled to get your assets as well as your biological children.  For things like life insurance and anything you put a beneficiary down for, it does not have to go to court.  So, whomever you put down would get the money.  I'm not sure if that can be contested in court or not.  Everything else like your house, car, bank accountsetc.  Anything that has to transfer ownership would have to go thru probate court.  They would probably take your will into consideration, but a trust is the only way to avoid probate and be sure of who gets your assets.  But, really for the life of me I cannot see why YOU don't consider your adopted child YOUR own.

Answer 8

If you cared enough to adopt the child in the first place why would you feel like you need to leave them out? Just because some adopted children have too many problems to leave behind doesn't mean they all do. My husband was adopted when he was four and knows it biological mother. He had a relationship with her while he was growing up. He still thinks of his AP's as his parents though and cares for them more then he does 'Jody"

Answer 9

Goodness, gracias...  I *get* what you're saying, but I don't really think you're serious...  are you?  

Even some biological children are unhappy with their parents and may "look at" them differently.  I wouldn't go by what people say in YA.  People say alot of mean things in here to try and prove their points.  No one really knows you or your situation (in here).  

If you don't plan on treating all of your children the same, then really you should not be an adoptive parent.

I only have one child and therefore everything will automatically go to him legally, anyway... but to confirm it, I am preparing a will and putting everything in writing to MAKE SURE he gets what I have.

Answer 10

If it makes you feel better, sure. Leave the money to your bio son

Answer 11

Not all children feel this way.  And if you are thinking about separating them out just because they are adopted, then you deserve to be thought of differently.  They are ALL your children - not just the ones you gave birth to!

Answer 12

What does money have to do with an adoptee suffering from the trauma created by your desire to take them away from their mother.

If anything look at it like compensation for filling your void and dream of having a rainbow family.

I personally don't think there is a price you could ever possibly pay for that.

Make sure you express you question/vent when you do decide to adopt so they cross you off the list of potentials.

Answer 13

Are you seriously saying that you're planning to punish your kids for seeing reality (that you're not their bioligical mom) and speaking about their feelings?  You've already taken these kids from their natural family, and seeing your attitude in this question I can imagine what else you've put them through (someone else mentioned Joan Crawford - maybe you ought to read "Mommie Dearest", because y'all could be long lost sisters), and NOW, you're talking about punishing her after your death, because YOU adopted her???????

I wonder if Christina Crawford has a help line for abused adoptees like herself.  Your kid needs it right now.  (This IS abuse - emotional abuse - and I don't doubt you put your kid through even more than the sick sh*t you've suggested here.)

Answer 14

You know, if I had a parent like you, I'd most certainly not want your leftover death junk...

I think it's remarkable that adoptees are still being punished for being adopted. As if it was my fault. At 3 days old, man, I surely had some say in the whole debacle. So here I am, an adult, and I freaking love my a-parents...but no amount of love for my parents or love from them will make me un-adopted.

I have 2 sets of parents. I can't do jack squat about that. It is the reality. I mean, you've got to admit that I look at my a-parents differently because of this...which doesn't make them any less my parents or any less loved...but different than the norm, certainly. I can't look at my mom and see her stretch marks from when she was pregnant...h**l she doesn't even look like me at all...

So I would gladly sacrifice a lifetime of more junk if my a-parents insisted on giving their goods away to a bio kid (my a-parents don't have any bios)

But think of it this way, too....I don't expect jack squat from my n-family. I mean, they're biologically related, right? So should I then be entitled to that? Should I not see my n-mom as being different than other people see their moms? I mean, I wasn't raised with her, so wouldn't it just be NATURAL that I don't see her the same way as someone who's seen her her whole life? hmmm?

Answer 15

All children grow up to have different kinds of relationships with their parents.  Some are closer than others.  But as a parent, there should be no distinction for you between your bio kid and you adopted child.  To think of changing your will is like saying this person isn't really your child.  Why in the world would you have adopted in the first place if you did not intend to make this child a full and complete member of your family?  

To answer your question, yes, legally your belongings will be split equally amoung your children regardless of blood ties.  But for you to even ask that question seems really degrading to your adoptive child.  It's not like he or she is just some house guest that won't go away and plans on mooching off of you even after death.  You are their PARENT!

Answer 16

How do you know your bio kids like you?

Course they don't have to PROVE it, or work as hard as your adopted kids.

You sound very mature and rational.  How wonderful that you decided to adopt children.

Answer 17

Surely you jest? Unless you read your achilds post, I wouldn't worry about it.

Answer 18

It isn't about stuff it is about the feelings of others and a statement about you. Check what is in you. Are you acting out of love and fair justice? What feelings and memories about you are you wanting to leave lovingly behind, as a statement of who you are, and where your priorities are? None of us know what others truly think we only assume. Which is a very foolish thing to do especially when we act out what we have assumed.

Answer 19

Are you kidding??  What you are contemplating sounds like favortism towards your bio kid to me!  Do you love your adopted chlid as much as your bio child?  (I sincerely hope the answer to that is 'Yes')  If you start changing up your percentages based on what total strangers say, you are going to perpetuate the idea that adoptive parents favor their bio kids over their adopted ones.  I think that you should be looking at your own relationship with your own adopted child instead of listening to total strangers.  The only way you will know how your adopted child feels about you is for you to communicate with them personally.  It isn't fair to project the thoughts of the people in this forum (who you have no personal relationships at all with) onto your own children, whom you presumably love all the same.  Please don't ostracize your adopted child this way.

Answer 20

What??? Is your adoptive kid your kid? If so they should be entitled to everything any of your other kids are entitled to.

A parent's love is unconditional, and should be given freely to ALL of their kids without reservation or expection of payoff. In addition, to be an adoptive parent is to forever accept that you are not your child's only parents and that your child's first parents will always be an extremely important part of their life. That is something you need to deal with, and is not something you should hold over your child's head or use as a punishment by witholding that which you give to your other children.

Answer 21

Um, just out of curiosity, why believe everything you read around here?  Everyone has their own opinions when they post and thats just what they are, opinions and experiences.  

If you are going to let THEIR opinions (and mine as well) sway how you write your will and how YOU treat YOUR children, both adopted and biological, then perhaps you need to be taking a serious look at your relationship with your children.  I can't believe someone would base how they treat their kids upon the experiences of others.  You know your children and if your adopted child (if you even have one yet) doesn't look at you any differently now, he/she sure will once you cut them out of the will.

I find your question very disturbing.  But then again, perhaps that was your intent.

Answer 22

It all boils down to is this, do you love them all equally? Why make a big stink over nothing. After all, you did choose them right?

Answer 23

I highly doubt the sincerity of this question.  I would bet you were either trying to make a point, or stir the pot.  

However, as unlikely as it is, I will pretend that you are serious for a moment.  A will should not be about how much the survivors love YOU.  It should be about how much you love THEM.  A love of a parent should be unconditional, even in death.

Answer 24

OH MY ******* GOD!!!

GROW UP!!! My child doesn't love me, wah, so I'll show that little ungrateful b*****d, wah!

YOU CHOSE to adopt that child, s/he had NO say in it, be the ******* ADULT and stop playing favorites

Answer 25

Surely you're joking.

I wouldn't change my will based on anything I read here.

Answer 26

It sounds like you view your Adoptive children differently if you are  even seriously considering this.

Answer 27

You know... this brings up the "am I really second best" issue that went around the blogosphere a little while now.

Some people have called troll on you. I'll take the benefit of the doubt and tell you what my opinion is. If you are a troll, then you can either dismiss my response or look at it as food for thought. Your call.

"My kids are NOT second choice... but if they really insist on feeling that way, then shouldn't we just consider ourselves as a 20-to-30-years worth of babysitting 'advanced placement'?"

Your kids are your kids. They just happen to have been someone else's kids too at one point. Like it or not, that's the reality.

Like I have said on my blog: It's great that adoption is occurring for kids who really do need a home and loving families. But for all those people who claim adoption isn't really second-best... the number of people who have naturally given birth and been able to keep their biological offspring *far* outweigh the people who have adopted or are planning to adopt.

Think about it this way: when people ask you what you want to do when you grow up, and you say you want to start a family, what's the typical response?

A. Great! So when do you planning on having kids? (Note: An actual 9-month pregnancy is being implied.)

B. Oh, good. So when do you plan on adopting?

Do people EVER ask about option B? Is their first instinct/thought to ask about adoption when they use the term "have kids"?

No.

So that said: adoption isn't the norm.

Which is why some adoptees on here have been saying that adoption starts from loss. It has nothing to do with hating their APs. It has nothing to do with thinking (well, sometimes, in the case of abuse/neglect, and NO I'm not saying any APs here do that!!) that their APs are ANY less of a parent than someone who would have raised them biologically. It has to do with realizing we were born to another set of parents and that we have enough love for ALL of our parens.

The problem is, some people on here just don't recognize that we CAN.

Answer 28

Please, get help for yourself!

Answer 29

I am hoping that you are not seriously considering leaving an adopted child out of your will. I pray that you are just trying to make a point.

To be honest, I am speechless about your question. My heart is hurting for your adopted child, or future adopted child. Please ask this question to your adoption social worker. She/he should know that this is what is on your mind.

I am truly distraught by your question.

Answer 30

Hey Apple, you're back...

For those that are wondering, here are some of her previous questions:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

I don't know if she's a troll, but I doubt she's a parent.

Answer 31

If you give your adoptive child less because s/he is adopted, you tell that child you loved it less!  If you don't make a will, everyone in the family will have problems.  Your will tells how YOU feel, not how your children feel.  

cw