Since everyone is so tetchy tonight...?

Question

how about some jokes to lighten the mood

Answer 1

rangers for the treble.thats a good joke wee yin

Answer 2

Rangers to win the league. That's got to make you laugh.

Answer 3

oh happy days

am pist off lost my unbeaten record 3-2

on soccer manager,finished the game wi 8 men cos 3 of em got butchered and now city are gettin beat 1-0

wheres the justice in that

AND BY THE WAY THIS IS'NT A JOKE

MIND YOU IT IS A FREE SITE

Answer 4

CELTIC 3MILL FOR LOOVENS, THATS FUNNY, WELL DONE WATTY... PERV ADELE. ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WUR A DUG

Answer 5

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel h**r thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'

(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shyite .)

The man shouts back 'I'm irish, Speak English, I don't understand you'.

The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'

This man walked into a pub in Larne with a wee scabby dog under his arm, just in time to hear the Saturday afternoon soccer results on the radio.

'Linfield three, Larne nil.' said the announcer, at which point the dog shouted: 'Oh no!' and started bawling his head off.

More than astonished, the barman leaned over the counter and said: 'Here, mate, your dog just shouted "Oh no!"'

'I know,' said the dog's owner. 'He always does that when Larne lose.'

'What does he do when they win?' asked the barman.

I don't know,' said the owner. I've only had him for three year

Answer 6

who's tetchy?  me?  whatthefuck are ye on about?  ffffffffff....

Answer 7

Joke is Minty Murray,Wally and Sally-what a load of fcukin' clowns!!

Answer 8

no tetchiness from here anyway.just lots of love for all the good members on the forum.and also lots of pity for the poor ranker fans who must be realizing finally that they are now clearly the second club in scotchland(sorry,must have caught something watching mclaren)................................... irish girl says to her mum,my hands are freezing.her mum feels them and says put them between your legs and that will warm them.next day the girl is out with her boyfriend when he complains his hands are cold.the girl tells him to put them between her legs and they will soon warm up.the boy thinks for a while before telling her his p***s was cold also.the next day the girl asks her mum if she has heard of a p***s.yes,i have,why asks the mother?well says the girl ,they make a terrible mess when they defrost dont they?

Answer 9

not tetchy just had a really c**p day,sorry.

ok here's a really pathetic joke but it always makes my daughter giggle which makes me smile.

what bees make milk?

answer to follow(even though you all know it anyway)

boobees!!!!

pathetic I know but it is the best i can come up with at short notice lol

Answer 10

thanks Frederic

The football at the Olympics had to be stopped today when it turned into Chaos. One of the Somali players was shown a red card and the supporters all rushed onto the pitch as they thought he was getting a passport.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for

years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his

bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

A policeman on a horse said to little girl on a bike, "Did Santa get you

that?"

"Yes", replied the little girl. And the policeman said, "Well tell him to

put a reflector light on it next year", and he fined her five pounds.

The little girl looked up at the policeman and said, "Nice horse you've got

there, did Santa bring you it?"

The policeman chuckled and replied, "He certainly did!"

"Well", said the little girl, "Next year tell Santa the d1ck goes under the

horse, not on top of it."  

Answer 11

Three country girls come to Glasgow for the weekend,they are sisters,Annie,Franny and f***y,Annie says we'll need tae buy shoes ur we willnae be allowed in the dancin'.So they go to a shoe shop,and the lady says to Annie,what size do you take,she says,I take a 13,so she goes away and comes back with a size 13,Annie is all set for the jiggin',Franny says I take a 15,she manages to find a 15 as well,Franny is sorted for the jiggin too,f***y says I take a 17,the assistant says i'm sorry we don't have anything that big.So Annie and Franny are both getting off with a couple of guys,f***y was left behind because she had no shoes.So they're dancing with the two guys when one of them points and says lookit the size ae your feet.Annie says if you think they're big you should see the size ae oor f***y's.

Answer 12

iv noticed scotsair has been a little off the past few days.

i dont really know any jokes im afraid

Answer 13

no tetchiness from me mrs, im in fine fettle tonight.

will try and think of a joke

Answer 14

im gonna stay sober !  

Answer 15

guy walks into a bar and says ouch!

Red Trooper-thats rich coming fae somebody that stays in the smack capital ae the UK! <the easterhouse bit

Answer 16

What do you call a Glaswegian in a suit?

The accused.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow?

Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

IF 'STAR WARS' WERE SET IN GLASGOW ....

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport a Rangers top.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Wanky-Nobby. Darth Vader Would be referred to as "Auld Helmet Heid" or in moments of stress "That Dome-Heided B*****d".

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or p*** on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a train or set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3PO would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a "greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie".

The Milennium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windows and extra flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record "I Love Scotland" sticker and a Saltire bumper sticker.

Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5 inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your a*** every two steps, and you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack.

Two easy ways would be:

- Alter it's orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of kafflicks.

- Leave it unattended in Easterhouse.

Stank, the smack capital of the UK, where might that be?? You talking about Aberdeen are you?? Well out of 200'000 people there is only 3000 Registered users..and what makes you think i stay in Aberdeen..ye mink..But show me a link to back up your claims??? if not shut the fook up..

Answer 17

am actually quite cheery!!!

but here ya go

Entered my dog at Crufts

got 13 months!

that do for now?