Sinners last stand (poem) CRITIQUE THIS?

Question

here it is

I hear scratching on the walls;

Laughter of the dolls;

Crying in the room next door;

Footsteps on this wooden floor;

Voices whispering in my ear;

I cant keep my mind clear;

I feel tapping on my shoulder;

The room is getting colder;

The darkness consumes me;

This fight I was losing;

Scratches appear on my face;

They take me with no trace;

A white room with no escape;

Only they decide my fate;

Walls are closing in;

The line meets an end;

My life was taken;

I felts so mistaken;

I should have done right;

I looked at it with a different insight;

Now h**l has another soul;

It’s filled with sorrow and woe;

Wickedness surrounds me;

But I’m not scared;

Because wickedness is me;

Damned to evilness forever to be.

Answer 1

Alright.

Overall, fantastic wording..awesome construction.

You might want to watch the rhythm of your poem.

If you were tapping your finger on your leg, each line of the poem should follow the same pattern.

Just a suggestion. If it read with the right rhythm, it would leave a much heavier impression and make it that much more powerful.

Answer 2

its good ... :)

Answer 3

okie dokie

well its pretty great! i know it was hard with those rhymes huh (wink) and it was worth it. im just alittle confused about what the message is. im pretty sure its that sinners will face a punishment.  maybe (if im right) make it alittle clearer.

greattttt job! :) keep up the good work!

Answer 4

Just as a note, it is more conventional to use commas at the end of each line, as opposed to the semi colon. You should probably try to put periods at the end of each sentence, because as it stands, your entire poem could be regarded as ONE sentence...which is just a little bit different.

The content was wonderful, and I enjoyed the imagery, but the repetition of the word 'scratch' did not sit well with me (i.e.: 'Scratching' in Line 1, and 'Scratches' in Line 11). Perhaps a synonym would fit? Unless the double use of the word was intentional...then, pay my comment no mind. Some of the rhymes were either loose, or seemed forced, but that's pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

Thank you for posting this. <3 I enjoyed it!