Sis who was given up for adoption...need help dealing with this.

Question

About 8 or 9 yrs ago my brother came to me with info that we had an older sis who was given up for adoption. My families not close and I can't really talk to my mom about a lot and had been scared to ask her about it. I searched for my sis with the limited info I had. Nothing ever came of it. I'm now 24 and my mother finally comes clean about this over the phone and tells me that my sis has contacted her and gave me her email address. Im reall happy yet Im almost freaking out about all this it's just such a shock to me and am having trouble coping. My question is for anyone who has been in similar situations and could give me some advice or a good website that might help me deal with this. Any help would be great! Thanks!

Answer 1

From experience just write her meet her make up for lost time and move on dont be mad you will be shocked how close you are without ever meeting.

Answer 2

linds, what specifically do you want to know. I have a sister that chose to place her son against the family's wishes. My sister is extremely intelligent intellectually but a little off key emotionally. Her son is with her now but it did cause stress on the clan despite us respecting and supporting her decision.    

I would suggest you do the same for your mom before moving forward.  You have every right to be upset, its natural and should be expected from anyone that has a conscience. Get the facts from your mother.  Your sister doesn't need the baggage. Ask your mom why, deal with it and then move forward. Life isn't fair sometimes but there is a lifetime to make up for it. Good luck.

Answer 3

  I don't really understand why you are freaking out about this.  Either email her or don't.  Maybe you should look into a support group.  I have an adopted sister, who is very much a part of our family.  And if she ever wanted to contact her parents I would support her in doing so.  If I was you I would atleast send her an email.

Answer 4

Email her, since she found you guys, she probably wants to know all about you. Don't expect a lot in the first email. Just take it one email at a time.

Answer 5

My fiance waited 4 years after he found out that he had a brother to call him.  The brother had called their mom, and he's a good man, forgiving, confident, and loves his adoptive family very much.  They talked for the first time ever on father's day this year.  They're 44 and 48 years old.  We've exchanged pictures several times, and are planning on a visit really soon.  Ironically, we're waiting on our adopted son's brother or sister to be born, and the 1st parents have asked us to raise it, although we're still talking, we're waiting to make sure she's ready to place, and don't want to hurry anything, because we want her to be sure (they knocked on our door to ask us).  The way the 2 of them talk on the phone, it's like they've been best friends forever.  Ironically, they played together at school when they were kids, but don't remember each other.  They both sound alike, have the same tastes in clothes, own the same year, make, type of pickup truck (both extended cabs), and both tried to adopt their stepchildren, only laws made it where they couldn't.  Both have great relationships with their step kids now.

Perhaps if you got an e-mail address that isn't your regular one, or a disposable cell phone to call.  You can always be more open, once you're sure.  You have a lot to gain, and it's neither her fault or yours.  Years ago, many women believed they couldn't raise a child on their own, and were taught to place their children.  The world is much better educated today.   Good luck, and I'd want to know.  Do something before it becomes too late.

Answer 6

Okay.  First, remember that this does not, in anyway, change how much your mother loves you.  She does not split her love in half and give it to someone else.  She does not love you less.

This isn't a bad thing.  Keep in mind that your sister is probably freaking out about ten million times more than you.  You just found out about ONE new family member that you didn't know before... she's just found out about ALL of you!! The best thing you could do is try to see things from her side and picture what it's been like for her... never knowing, always wishing, dreaming...

It's okay to be shocked!  It's a pretty shocking thing!  The most important thing for you to remember is that this is no way a reflection of you or anything you've done.

It's okay to be nervous, excited, shocked, confused, and any of the other emotions you're feeling.  Just try to relax and take plenty of time to sort through those emotions.  I'll bet your brother can help you cope as well... if he knew 8 or 9 years ago, he's probably had a lot more time to come to terms with it, and maybe he can provide you with the support you need.