Sister in law's adoption?

Question

My sister in law and her husband are planning to adopt soon, they have had a house study? done, and are going to meet with an adoption lawyer towmorrow morning. What can l say to convince her that this is a big mistake? l'm not against adoption pursae, but they haven't even considered using IVF yet, just went straight to adoption! Does anyone have some suggestions on what l can do or say?

Answer 1

Well, personally l find that a very rude statement!  l'm sorry, but why do you need to tell her it's a mistake?  The decision to start a family is between a husband and wife, nobody else.  As a foster/recent adoptive parent, l find it ridiculous that someone else would even have an opinion such as this, and certainly from my own standpoint l would discount it as sour grapes/resentment, etc.  Your opinion is your opinion, and you have every right to it, but please wait until you're asked until you offer thoughts such as these. Sorry, l know that's probably not what you wanted to hear!

Answer 2

you should be proud that they want to adopt caus there are children that need love,i mean there has to be some kind of reason you dont want them to do it.maybe she dosnt want to give birth maybe she like the idea have helping someone.I think you should be happy

Answer 3

It's not just your sister-in-law's adoption. It's THEIR adoption. They are a married couple. It's absolutely NONE of your business as to what they choose. Maybe your sister-in-law did not want to try IVF. Maybe there is something you don't know about their reproductive health. Whatever it is, it's not your business to question their decision, you are to offer them as much support as you can in this exciting time! They are going to add someone special to their family and you are going to have the privilege to know them!

Answer 4

It's their decision - don't say anything except CONGRATULATIONS!

Answer 5

That's just horrible.  How dare you decide what's right for them and what isn't.  Let me tell you, and an 'adopted' child, lf someone had told my parents l was a big mistake, they would never had spoken to them again!..So l suggest you say goodbye.

Answer 6

Do you know anyone who has been through IVF?  Do you know that it is an expensive and painful process and is often unsuccessful, building up hopes for the would-be parents just to leave them with an empty wallet to go with the empty womb?

If your sister-in-law and her husband have made this decision, it is between the two of them.  If you have a very close relationship with the couple you can voice your concerns, but be careful not to stand in judgment of their plans.  They may have reasons for their actions that you aren't aware of, and (to be blunt) may be none of your business.

Answer 7

Why would you try to talk them out of adopting a child that needs someone to love and a real home? Even if they tried IVF there is no guarantee it would even work. Then they would be out all of that money and might not be able to afford to adopt or any other option at all. Let her and her husband make the decision. It has nothing to do with you whatsoever.

Answer 8

Yea you should mind your own business thats what they want to do then thats what they want to do. I'm sure that ivf was a thought of the process and sometimes after you've tried everything to get pregnant just one more trip to the doctor is like one more trip to the dentist to get your teeth pulled. She's probably been proked and prodded shes tired and all they want is a baby so let them adopt a baby they've had the house search and everything else. You need to let them be and do what they want to do.

Answer 9

They are following their hearts.  My husband and I went from no children to the adoption process, and we thank God several times a hour for allowing us the privilege of becoming parents to our daughter. Fertility treatment is not always the answer and is NOT a guarantee you will become a parent, it does not always work.    Suggestion:  Be happy for them, rejoice in the gift of a child that God is giving them. Be proud of them for not caring that this child is not a biological "product" of their marriage. Get over your prejudices.  A child is a child, it matters not how the child is brought into the family.  They already love this child, they are ready to become parents of this child and it's not anyone's place to question the love they have for this child.  Calling the adoption a mistake is the same as calling the child a mistake. Shame on you for calling this child a mistake.

Answer 10

Why is this any of your business? How *dare* you even think of interfering!

IVF is extremely expensive, not to mention painful, emotionally draining, and traumatic. The success rate is very low, so it is depressing to go through all the procedures and then find out you're not pregnant.

Suggestions on what you should do: shut your mouth

Suggestions on what you should say: I support you. I love you. I will be here for you.

Answer 11

You should be happy for them! Why would you want to tell them they are making a mistake? By adoption they are giving a child a family, please leave them to their decision.

Answer 12

i think you should be happy for them!  they're doing a great thing, and they're bringing home your new niece or nephew.  so you probably couldn't change their mind, even if you tried, because they already talked about it, and why do you want to?  spending money to adopt a child who needs them versus spending money to try to concieve.  i'm not against IVF, but i think adoption is a great choice!

Answer 13

Both adoption and infertility treatments have ethical and moral implications that only the people directly involved can internally resolve.  Both choices have huge implications and weigh heavily on the person's mind as they wade through the options.

Whatever you have to add into her thought process has quite likely been explored and if you tell her that she is making a big mistake, it will quite likely come off poorly.

Answer 14

I know that you care about them but when it comes down to it, It's up to them what they do and if they are happy than it's best to just support them.

Answer 15

We chose to adopt without seeking any fertility treatments. We wanted to be parents and after talking to so many people who had gone through tough infertility treatmants we knew that adoption was the best choice for them. Other adoptive parents I know said they wish they would have never gone through the struggle of IVF, and started the adoption process instead.

I'm sure they've thought about all of their options, and do not need you to be unsupportive. Also, you voicing this opinion would be like saying that an adopted child is "second best". Please just be supportive, and if you ever find yourself dealing with infertility then you can seek any treatments you wish.

Answer 16

I think it is their decision to make, not yours.  You butting into their personal life issues could cause hurt feelings towards you in the long run.  They have evidently talked amongst themselves about what they wanted to do to come to the decision that they have made.  I'm sure you do not know all the circumstances that they have discussed in private.  I think it is there business and even if you think it a mistake, it is theirs to make.

Answer 17

I think you should stay out of it.  It is absolutely none of your business, in regards to how they choose to grow their family!

IVF is expensive (sometimes it can end up costing more than adoption) and there is no guarantees that it will work (where with adoption, there generally IS a baby in the end).

Adopting is NOT a big mistake, it is a wonderful way to create, or grow, your family.  And it is your SISTER IN LAW and her HUSBAND'S decision, not yours.

What you can do is offer them support, or leave them alone!

Answer 18

Big Mistake? It sounds to me that you are the "big mistake" and your attitude will have enormous consequences later on. I know whereof I speak.  My wife and I adopted a child after we had two children of our own.  Her mother was absolutely opposed to the idea and that carried through up until she died 25 years later.  She never called my son----her grandson----by his name.  She called him......"the little boy".  Her attitude and treatment of him almost undid everything we tried to do to show this child love and nurturing.  It negatively effected his self esteem.  Finally I was able to convince him that he was !) A child of God who God loved dearly; and 2) Our Child who we loved dearly.  But it was difficult.

You need to do more than just back off.   You need to search you soul from top to bottom and find out why you have such negative feelings about adopting.  And you need to resolve in your heart to give this child the love and respect you would any other child.   The child is not the problem.   The problem is you.

Answer 19

I am sure they have thought about all the options and chosen adoption over IVF for a reason or number of reasons. Maybe instead of trying to tell them you think it's a mistake, you can ask them about their decision making process and why they chose adoption first...maybe their answer will make sense? And really, why is it your business to do or say anything?

What if they only have enough money to try one or the other?  What if they aren't good candidates for IVF for some reason? What if they feel that adoption is what God has chosen for them (if they're religious)?

Answer 20

It doesn't seem necessary to me that you say anything at all. It's not really your choice, and I'm sure they've thought about it a lot before just rushing into it. There are so many children out there who would die for a good home to be in, and your sister-in-law and her husband have probably decided that's something they'd like to do.

Answer 21

why are you against there decision. maybe they are done trying to get pregnant and just want a baby. maybe they feel like it didn't happen naturally for them for a reason. they made there decision and you need to respect that. myself and my hubby always said that if it didn't happen naturally for us we would adopt. it isn't as easy as o just try ivf you have to go thought allot of studies and tests and hormone therapies etc and there is a good chance it wont even happen then or that yo will loose that baby or end up with a half dozen babies. I'm not saying that ppl who do those things are wrong everyone has to make there own decisions about this for there own reasons. they have made there's so you need to respect that.there is more than one way to make a family.

Answer 22

You have no right to tell her she is making a mistake. If they dont chose IVF then that id their decision and you should respect that. Give your sister in law some needed support. The whole process will have been difficult and stessful and the last thing she needs is you telling her she is making a mistake. Who are you to judge her and tell her what to do?

I wish them luck

Answer 23

Ask them why they want to buy a baby and pretend it is their's. Also Yahoo search "anti-adoption" and you will come up with some informative links.

I personally do not believe in adoption, except under certain circumstances. (Such as death of the birth parents, etc)

Answer 24

Adoption does not have to be a last resort. It is the most unselfish way to have a baby.

Answer 25

IVF is expensive, and not for everyone, also there is no guarentee that doing IVF will bring a child into your home, with adoption, you have a better chance of bringing home a child.

How anyone builds their family is not anyone else's business.  You don't exactly rush into adoption like an unplanned pregnancy.  You can't just one day decide "oh lets adopt" and then the next day have a child.  Its a process, which isn't for everyone.  It is a hard process, and you have no right to judge them for choosing adoption over IVF.  You are not the one who will have to live with the choices, they are.  If biology isn't important to them, why is it so important to you?  A baby is a baby.  A child is a child.

If they want to adopt, don't be so negative.  I would say let them, but seriously, you have no choice to let them or not.  Its not your choice, but theirs.

Adoption is a wonderful way to build a family.

Answer 26

I know 2 different girls that said they would give their babies away after birth and the only thing they did was take money from the people that was going to adopt the babies

Answer 27

well they may have considered IVF and decided it wasnt for them.

Me and my partner decided that if we had any trouble getting pregnant then we would rather invest time, money and emotion in adopting rather than IVF and other such procedures.

Be happy for them and support which ever way they choose to create their family.