Six years of trying to have a baby...ready to adopt?

Question

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for about 6 years. I just went through my 2nd misscarriage a few months ago. We are so ready to have a baby. We have always wanted to adopt weather we have our own child or not. I am not sure how it all works. Does it cost money? How many ways are there to adopt? I would love any thoughts. :)

Answer 1

There are different avenues for adoption, all with their benefits and drawbacks.  It's important to look at all of them carefully, look at your own family and decide which option is right for you.

The idea is to provide a home for a child who needs one and to ensure that you are able to meet the needs of the child.  

So, talk to agencies, talk to the state about adopting from the foster care program, talk to adoptees, talk to adoptive parents, read books, get all the information you can from as many different perspectives as you can, so that you can make an informed decision.  

Foster care adoption is generally free or low cost.  Domestic infant and international adoptions do cost money.  

I agree that you and your husband need to take the time to grieve for your miscarriages and your infertility before moving onto adoption.  Adoption doesn't cure infertility; that's important to remember.

We chose to adopt internationally, providing a home for children that had been legally relinquished by their family before we ever entered the picture.  It was the wish of their family that the children be adopted by Americans, so I have never felt like I "stole" a child.  Like most international adoptive parents, we are very sensitive to cultural needs and take the time and effort to keep the children in contact with their culture of origin, for which we have received tremendous support from immigrants from my children's homeland.  

But this is my opinion.  Obviously, there are those who disagree.  

Whatever option you choose, it's important to learn as much as you can.  Good luck

Answer 2

First things first...it sounds like you've got some grieving to do.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  Take your time, do your grieving, and then come back to adoption.  Adoption can be really hard on adoptees, and it can be especially difficult knowing they are "replacing" what you couldn't "make".  I don't mean to offend.  Looking at it from the adoptee's point of view, it can be extra difficult to come into a family with the "job" of fulfilling his/her parents.

Anyway, when you feel ready to move on, if you decide that adoption is for you, here are some great books to read:

The Primal Wound

Twenty things adopted kids wish their adoptive parents knew

Helping children cope with separation and loss

There are quite a few different avenues to adoption.  If you adopt through foster care, it's free in most states.  Contrary to popular belief, not all foster children have major issues.  Most of them have some issues that an infant adoptee would not have, but not necessarily by much.  I have a friend who has no special training, and she adopted five children through the state foster care system.  They were only considered special needs because they were not infants, and were not white.

I don't personally support most other forms of adoption, because it is well known that a mother and child bond during pregnancy, and a child should not be separated from his/her mother unless absolutely necessary, and even if it is necessary, the child should be kept within the family if at all possible.  Losing a mother is traumatizing at any age, but for a baby, s/he doesn't understand why, and that pain might follow him/her throughout life.  And of course international adoption carries the same issues, but on top of losing his/her parents, the child also loses his/her heritage, language, culture, and home land.

But the only person who can decide what's best for your family is you.  I hope that you'll stick around here.  There are a lot of really knowledgeable people on here who can help you steer your way through the pitfalls, answer your questions along the way, and give you great insight into the adoptee's world.  I've learned more in a few short months on here than in the 3 1/2 years of research I did before I found Y!A.  I wish you and your husband all the best!

Answer 3

Do your research- people above have given great information.  I was adopted as an infant and had a great life with my family.  I would like to say whatever you choose- make sure the child always knows they are adopted.  I hate it when I hear about people keeping secrets.  My parents told me about it from when I was very young (like 2 yrs. old) and it just became normal to me.  There was no anger at either set of parents.  Keep it honest and real and your future adopted child will respect you for it. Good luck.

Answer 4

I've been trying to find my birth family for 34 years...I have always wanted to have my real family in my life, I am so ready to just have my real family...I am so tired of being adopted.  But I am not sure of how it all works.  Does it cost money?  How many ways are there to find my real family?  I would love any thoughts :)

Answer 5

I was adopted, and I have a very good life and family.  It does work.

I'm also a new mother, and I want to assure you that being pregnant is no way as powerful as the moment you hold the baby in your arms.  The feeling of love and commitment to take care of a human for the rest of your life is overwhelmingly beautiful.  I know if I wasn't able to conceive, I would've had no problem adopting.  We wanted a family. Pregnancy was icing on the cake.

Answer 6

Private adoption - This where you would hire an adoption attorney and they would find a expecting mother to match you with. This is one of the most expensive forums of adoption. It can cost you thousands of dollars even more if you have to cover living expensive/medical bills of your potential birth mother. I have family that went this route  and it cost them when it was all said in done about 60 thousand.   The scary part of this is that the expecting mother can always change her mind before or even after the baby is born. Since she would have a reclaim period that would typically last anywhere from a few days to a few months. Then you all would be out any of the money that you spent.

International Adoption - where you all would adopt a child/baby from a foreign country this like private adoption can cost a bundle depending on the country. Different places have different criteria so you would really want to research that. Often you might have come and spend some time in your adoptive child’s country of origin. Sometimes you might have to go and visit your Potential child, and then come back at another date to pick up your child.

Foster Care Adoption –

This is often the cheapest forum of adoption and can sometimes be free. In some cases your only cost might be your court fees. It costs the states more to have the kids in their care then to pay for their adoptions.  In some cases you would get money monthly for the child you adopt. Often in the case of special needs children . Special needs does not always mean a child with health or physical issues. It can simple mean  an older child, non-white child, learning disability  or siblings groups.

There is also the Fos to adopt program in this you all would become foster parents but would only be placed with children who have a very high chance of becoming available for adoption.

This link has far more information on the types of adoption. You and your husband should look through it and decided which kind of adoption you feel is right for your family.

http://adopting.adoption.com/

I would not advice being matched with a birthmother. This prevents you from getting hurt if she decides to change her mind. It will also prevent her from feeling guilty about changing her mind. Find a child/baby who has already been surrendered. It is possible to find young infants/young toddlers in the foster care system even more if your willing to take a sibling group.

Answer 7

how about thinking of the child instead of you?  are you at all aware the loss a child must go through in order to become "available" to you?????

Answer 8

Well I really don't know about adoption but I do know what it's like to want to have a baby!  I want a baby very bad (I'm 26 years old and married).  The thing is, is that I have been told from my Gyno that I couldn't have any, well right after I got married, I got pregnant.  I was so sudden that my husband and I wasn't really ready for a baby yet.  I mean we had just gotten married (like 12 days) before I found out that I was pregnant.  Like I said we were not ready for a baby.  I want a baby and my husband would rather wait a few years well worst thing happened (not going to say) but unfortunately I'm not pregnant.  I'm sorry to hear that your unable to conceive but let me just tell you to keep trying and it will happen.  For almost  years I thought that I wasn't able to get pregnant and it happened, so just hang in there and it will come.  I truly believe that God has a plan for all of us and he knows when it's your time!  I'm sorry to not really answer your question but I wanted to let you know about what happened to me last year.  Good luck and Kind of know what your going through.

Answer 9

There are many ways and generally it does cost money. It varies from state to state and agency to agency.  Check with your church and see if they have any church supported adoption agencies. They are non profit and are cheaper. There is an income tax adoption credit of about 12 thousand now. You can also try the foster care system, it is really no money but harder to get babies

Answer 10

My husband and I went through a similar situation as you. We didn't  have any idea about the adoption process until we contacted an agency locally that handled both domestic and international. They helped us choose the best  option for us which was international. we chose Colombia  we found out exactly a year after we started the adoption process that they had a little girl for us. The price varies it shocked us in the beginning and we were very concerned on how we would actually afford this but we found a way and we have a beautiful daughter  Our adoption cost between 20 to thirty thousand dollars. but don't look at the cost look at the end result you will have a new beautiful child to fill your hearts with love. I can explain the feeling that you get when they hand the child to you when you first get to meet them.   some other information exactly a year and a half after being h ome with our daughter we found out i was pregnant. and we wernt even trying. Now we have two beautiful girls one is 3 and the other 15 months  if there is anything I can help you with any questions  please feel free to contact me I will be happy to help if needed best of luck

Answer 11

I tried to get pregnant for seven years. Something happened in the process and I began to realize I would rather be a parent than be pregnant.  So I opened myself up to what the world had in store for me and my husband.  We met with a couple of agencies, started to feel good about one, and began the process of waiting.  

We worked with a not for profit agency and paid a percentage of our income.  That cost helps them pay for things like their offices and counseling for all the women who come to see them (those who make an adoption plan and those who need parenting help).  We were able to pay in payment plans, and got most of it back through the adoption tax credit.  I definitely recommend working with a not for profit agency who have the best interest of the pregnant women in mind.  Because the best interest of those woman might be to keep their baby - and they should have help with that.  And you don't want to mess with anyone's destiny - you are just searching for yours!  The books the other poster identified are strong perspectives of the mothers who made an adoption plan as well as people who haven't found peace and are adopted.  

Some women don't want to raise the baby they carry and some woman aren't bonding with their babies while in their tummy.  So, while that one poster has a very loving, positive view of that time of bonding, it isn't always the case.  Some women's hope for their baby is a life other than one with them.  And they deserve counseling and consoling for that as well.  Sometimes a baby's destiny is to be raised by someone other than the person who made them.  When my babies found me, my soul connected and braided through theirs.  I believe I was put on this earth to be the mother of these children.  My miracle of motherhood is no less wondrous than my friends who have given birth.  We are both so blessed to have been a part of life's amazing journey into the unknown.  I like the books; The Open Adoption Experience and Adopting; Sound Choices, Strong Families.  My kids are 8 and 4 now.  I fight for them to live in a world that treats the earth well, I fight for them to have the best education, the best health care and the healthiest food.  And I know in my heart that some mothers are fighting for their children before they are even born.  With every fertility procedure and every agency interview, they are fighting for them to find their way home.  You have a wonderful story ahead of you.

Answer 12

In my opinion, some people are meant to adopt.

There's nothing wrong it it either! If the birth parents want pictures ect., than you can accept the fact that the child can have two pairs of parents =D

Im 14, and I was adopted, but my mom (she was 17...1993...ugh XP) and she still wanted pictures to see if I was abused or ..something like that, becuase my dad (adopted) puts the word red into redneck haha XD

AND here's the good part...one year after adpting me, my parents, who tried al LONG time to have kids (or thats what they told me) had my wittle baby bwodder  (haha NOT!! ugh!! he's SO annoying!! *Punches him*) anyways, sometimes things happen unexpected...

I won't garantee (sorry, Im off today, so I can't spell...no wonder my bad grade in engliah haha XD) that you'll have your own blood-child or whatever, but taking care of someone until their grown, IS your own child ^^

I think it costs... im not sure... wow... its funny to think I was something to buy o.O oh well...

I want to adopt kids and have my own someday. I've heard you can adopt from different countries, your own area, ect.

I think vietnam girls are SO cute!! ^^ my friend's cousin adopted one from there, and I babysat her once :D

You can say, I've been around adoption my whole life ^^ hehe XD

But, some children aren't so lucky, and have to live in a bad place, like a ghetto... (and I'm half black, so Im not racist)

Hmm... well, so YUP ^^

Answer 13

If you want to adopt a healthy infant the best  place is a private adoption, through an agency or lawyer. It varies some depending on your state. This is expensive ($15,000 - $30,000+). Adopting through the foster care system is free, but generally it will be an older child who has been abused or neglected. These kids need homes too, but it isn't what every parent is looking for when they think about adoption. We educated ourselves about domestic and international adoption and ended up adopting domestically.

With domestic adoption you usually get a newborn, which is why we chose that. Also you are usually chosen by the birthmom, who may want ongoing contact (or not). Also that makes the wait unpredictable, and the birthmom can change her mind up until the baby is born and papers are signed. We were very open to contact, but it turns out our birthmom preferred no contact. We did meet her at the hospital  when  my daughter was born.

With intl adoption you are matched to an available child (not a birthmom) but the child will usually be 6-12 mo before they come to the US. You also have to travel to the child's country. The rules about eligibility vary from country to country (e.g. must be married, under  45...).